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THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

RIVERSIDE 


w^ 


This  volume  is  printed  on  brittle 
paper — please  be  careful  in  using  it. 
Thank  you! 


T' 


TEJrPTED  BY  A  POLITICAL  SIREN. 


/// 


yi:^,    i^mar    '/^ ' 


'^ 


MLL   NTE'S 

CHESTNUTS 


OLD   AND   NEW. 


LATE^ST    GAXHKRINQ. 


. ,  J^^^=^^  ^  "^ 


BILL  NYE'S  CAT. 


With  New  Illustrations  From  Original  Sketches,  Photo 

GRAPHS,   Memoranda,  and  Authentic  Sources, 

BY  Williams,  Offer,  and  Hopkins. 


NEW    YOKK 

JOHN   W.  LOVELL  COMPANY 

i50  VVokth  Street,  corner  Mission  Plaoi 


N^M 


PRINTED   AND    BOUND   BY 

DONOHUE  &   HENNEBERRY, 

Cii'lJACO. 


CONTENTS. 


Chestnut-Bukr  I. 
The  Shakspeare-Bacon  Puzzle  Wrestled  with  Conscientiously.. .     11 

ClIESTNUT-BuKR   II. 

How  the  Glorious  Fourth  was  Celebrated  at  Whalen's  Grove 21 

ClIESTNUT-BuilU  III. 

Bill  Nye  finds  Colorow  full  of  Odd  Traits 30 

CriKSTNUT-BuRR   IV. 

Bill  Nye  pays  a  Brief  Visit  to  a  Professional  Star  Reader 39 

Chestnut-Burr  V. 

Concerning  the  French  Masterpieces  at  the  Academy  of  Design.    47 

Chestnut-Burr  VI. 

Bill  Nye  Diagnosticates  the  Plaint  of  a  Country  Cousin 55 

Chestnut-Burr  VII. 

Bill  Nye  in  the  Role  of  an  Ute  Indian  Jenkins 64 

Chestnut-Burr  VIII. 
In  an  Unguarded  Moment  Bill  Nye  is  Captured  by  a  Political 

Siren 73 

Chestnut-Burr  IX. 

Bill  Nye  Descants  upon  Young  Ives'  Ideas  of  Finance 80 

Chestnut-Burr  X. 
A  few  Remarks  upon  our  Hostelry  System  as  it  now  Prevails. . ,     89 

Chestnut-Burr  XI. 
William  Nye  Visits  Royalty  from  the  Home  of  the  Ham  Sand- 
wich       98 

Chestnut-Burr  XII. 
The  Humorist  interviews  his  Grace  the  Duke  in  the  Improved 

Style 104 

Chestnut-Burr  XIII. 
'  The  Old  Man  Eloquent " 113 

T 


VI  CONTENTS. 

Chestnut-Burr  XIV. 
The  Amende  Honorable 116 

Chestnut-Burr  XV. 
A  Big  Corner  on  Pork 131 

Chestnut-Burr  XVI. 
Patrick  Oleson 127 

Chestnut-Burr  XVII, 

Longiug  for  Home 133 

Chestnut-Burk  XVIII. 
The  True  History  of  Damon  and  Pythias 137 

Chestnut-Burr  XIX. 
A  Story  of  Spotted  Tail 143 

Chestnut-Burr  XX. 
The  Romance  of  Ilorse-Shoeing , 146 

CnESTNUT-BURR  XXI. 

Experience  on  the  Feverish  Hornet , 150 

CriESTNUT-BURR  XXII. 

Ancient  Bric-a-Brac 1.59 

CiiestiNUt-Buur  XXIII. 
The  Two-Headed  Girl 163 

Chestnut-Burr  XXIV. 
A  Pathetic  Episode  in  Northern  Wisconsin , 166 

Chestnut-Burr  XXV. 
Bill  Nye  Essays  a  Novelette  . . . ,  170 

Chestnut-Burr  XXVI. 

The  Daughter  of  Bob-Tail-Flush 176 

Chestnut-Burr  XXVII. 

Our  Great  National  Motto 181 

Chestnut-Burr  XXVIII. 
Bill  Nye  at  a  Tournament 185 

Chestnut-Burr  XXIX. 
A  Social  Curse —  Tl  e  Man  who  Interrupts 188 

Chestnut-Burr  XXX. 
A  Discourse  on  Cats 191 

Chestnut-Burr  XXXI. 

The  Great  Oration  of  Spartacus 194 

Chestnut-Burr  XXXII. 

"Woman's  Suffrage  in  Wyoming ".....  199 

Chestnut-Burr  XXXIII. 
Concerning  the  Swallow 303 


CONTENTS.  Vll 

Chestnut-Burr  XXXIV. 

A  Novel  Way  of  Marking  Clothes.. 206 

Chestnut-Burr  XXXV. 

The  Unhappy  Humorist 209 

Chestnut-Burr  XXXVI. 

The  Soda  Lakes  of  Wyoming 212 

Chestnut-Burr  XXXVII. 

Views  of  Chicago 215 

Chestnut-Burr  XXXVIII. 

A  School  of  Journalism 221 

Chestnut-Burr  XXXIX. 

Some  Facts  of  Science = 226 

Chestnut-Burr  XL. 

Sorrows  of  a  One  Legged  Man , 231 

Chestnut-Burr  XLI. 

Revelation  in  Utah. 235 

Chestnut  Burr  XLII. 

The  Tongue-Destroying  French  Language 238 

Chestnut-Burr  XLIII. 

The  Gentle  Spring = 241 

Chestnut-Burr  XLIV. 

One  Touch  of  Nature 245 

Chestnut-Burr  XLV. 

Fun  of  Being  a  Publisher 249 

Chestnut-Burr  XL VI. 
Performance  of  the  Phoenix 252 


POETIC   CHESTNUTS. 

IS  ye  as  Critic,  and  Nye  as  Foet 258 

Poems  by  Bill  Nye. 

Apostrophe  to  an  Orphan  Mule 261 

Ode  to  Spring 262 

The  Picnic  Snoozer's  Lament 263 

Ode  to  the  Cucumber 263 

Apostrophe  to  O.  Wilde 264 

Adjustable  Campaign  Song 265 

The  Beautiful  Saow — , . , , , ,.,.,..,, 366 


A  SUSHEL  OF  SMALLER  CHESTNUTS. 


iVwkwardness  uf  Canyiug  Whiskey  About iiy 

A  Cliild's  Faith 1  -J 

A  Frontier  lucidciil ' 2^.1 

A  Good  Painting  lor  the  Capi'.ol 'ji>' 

A  Grave  Question 182 

A  Hat  Deposit  in  the  Bhick  Hills 230 

A  Lesson  from  the  Mule 252 

A  Trjing  Situation 14! 

A  Word  of  Explanation 103 

An  Unelouded  ^\'^elcome 133 

Bankrupt  Sale  of  Literary  Gems 284 

Carrying  Revolvers 275 

Carving  Schools 240 

Dignity 134 

Encouraging  Green  Jokes , ^ 29 

Etiquette  for  the  Young > 271 

Firmness , 257 

Hints  on  Letter  Writing , 285 

How  to  deal  with  the  Revolver 248 

How  to  Preserve  Teeth 149 

Ingratitude  of  the  Human  Heart , 46 

Joint  Powder 1(»2 

Laramie's  Handkerchief 211 

Loafing  Around  Home 178 

Marriage 97 

Men  are  often  Misunderstood „ 63 

jModern  Fiction  is  Unreliable , 225 

Our  Compliments 165 

Pigeon  toed  Pete 203 

fiu 


CONTENTS.  IX 

Pity  for  Sad-Eyed  Husbands , . . , 97 

Pleasures  of  Spring „ '. ,  133 

Pugilist  or  Statesman 257 

Some  Earnest  Thoughts , 179 

Sudden  Fame , 285 

Sure  Cure  for  Biliousness. 73 

Sweet  Influences  of  Changing  Seasons. . .   120 

Sweet  Saint  Valentine 373 

The  Agitated  Hen, „ 277 

The  Anti-Clinker  Base  Burner  Bee 88 

The  Boy  with  a  Future 243 

The  Chinese  Compositor Ill 

The  Costly  Watermelon 214 

The  English  Joke 286 

The  Fen)iile  Artiste 348 

The  Happy  Codfish 205 

Tiie  iMarch  of  Civilization 120 

The  Model  Sleeping-Car 237 

The  Picnic  Plant 158 

The  Plumage  of  the  Ostrich. 178 

The  Right  Sort  of  Boy 38 

'i'he  Secret  of  Health 169 

The  True  American Ill 

I'he  True  Tale  of  William  Tell 268 

TiiO  True  Poet  Loves  Seclusion 234 

riioughts 182 

iOo  Much  God  and  No  Flour 133 

Virtue  its  own  Reward 79 

\'rhy  WeWeep 270 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


Tempted  by  a  Political  Siren Frontispiece. 

Shakespeare  Nails  Ilis  Poem  on  the  Gate 13 

"  I  say  that  on  that  day  Tireny  and  Uzurpation  got  a  Setback."  23 
"  When  Colorow  la  Captured,  if  the  United  States  has  no  further 

use  for  that  Watch,  I  should  be  glad  to  have  it  returned."  33 
"  Your  wife  will  be  much  happier  during  her  second  marriage."  43 
"The  picture  is  so  true  to  life  that  I  instinctively  stammered, 

'  Excuse  me  I '  " 53 

"  lie  has  a  quiet  way  of  catching  my  cow  by  the  tail.". 59 

Soiled  Charlie  and  Peek-a  Boo  Delegates  of  the  Ute  Nation 67 

"  Please  excuse  me  for  not  speaking  to  you  as  you  passed  by.". .  85 
"  Well,  sir  ; "  said  the  urbane  Landlord,   "I  need  the  money  ! "      95 

"I  he'd  her  back  and  assured  her  that  I  did  not  drink." 99 

"  Duke,"  I  said,  "  You  cannot  disguise  itfrorame.     Youaresuf- 

foring  from  Social  Ostracism,  and  it  is  breaking  you  down."  107 

"  lie  said  he  would  give  me  four  minutes." 117 

"  I  led  the  trusting  phalanx  down  to  the  stock  yards." 123 

' '  He  sighs  for  the  boundless  prairie." 135 

Anecdote  of  Spotted  Tail 143 

A  fler  Katooter  on  Yellow  Fever 155 

A  Sad  Funeral  Procession 167 

Our  Great  National  Motto 183 

Secret  Way  of  Marking  Clothes 207 

Fourlh  of  July  at  the  North  Pole 227 

The  First  Blossom  of  the  Spring 243 

(Vnnplicated  Scenic  Effects 253 

The  Agitated  Hen 279 


CHESTNUTS  OLD  AND  NEW. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    I. 


THE   SHAKESPEARE-BACON  PUZZLE  WRESTLED   WITH 
CONSCIENTIOUSLY. 


Why  Bill  favors  the  Claims  of  Bill  ShaTiespeare  —  His 
Handwriting  skillfully  touched  upon  —  Its  Likeness 
to  Horace  Greeley's  —  Difference  hetioeen  Shakes- 
peare and  Bacon — A  kind  Lift  for  the  Yeomanry. 

Trusting  that  it  will  not  in  any  way  impair  the  sale 
of  Mr.  Donnelly's  book,  I  desire  to  offer  here  a  few 
words  in  favor  of  the  theory  that  "William  Shakespeare 
wrote  his  own  works  and  thought  his  own  thinks.  The 
time  has  fully  arrived  when  we  humorists  ought  to 
stand  by  each  other. 

I  do  not  undertake  to  stand  up  for  the  personal  char- 
acter of  Shakespeare,  but  I  say  that  he  wrote  good 
pieces,  and  I  don't  care  who  knows  it.  It  is  doubtless 
true  that  at  the  age  of  eighteen  he  married  a  woman 
eight  years  his  senior,  and  that  children  began  to  clus- 
ter about  their  hearthstone  in  a  way  that  would  have 
made  a  man  in  a  New  York  flat  commit  suicide.  Three 
little  children  within  fourteen  months,  including  twins, 
came  to  the  humble  home  of  the  great  Bard,  and  he 
began  to  go  out  and  climb  upon  the  haymow  to  do  bis 

u 


12  BILL   NYE  S   CHESTNUTS 

writing.  Sometimes  he  would  stay  away  from  home 
for  two  or  three  weeks  at  a  time,  fearing  that  when  he 
entered  the  house  some  one  would  tell  him  that  he  was 
again  a  parent. 

Yet  William  Shakespeare  knew  all  the  time  that  he 
was  a  great  man,  and  that  some  day  he  would  write 
pieces  to  sjieak.  lie  left  Stratford  at  the  age  of 
twenty-one  and  went  to  London,  where  he  attracted 
very  little  attention,  for  he  belonged  to  the  Yeomanry, 
being  a  kind  of  dramatic  Horace  Greeley,  both  in  the 
matter  of  clothes  and  penmanship.  Thus  it  would  seem 
that  while  Sir  Francis  Bacon  was  attending  a  business 
colleore  and  nettini"-  himself  familiar  with  the  whole- 
arm  movement,  so  as  to  be  able  to  write  a  free,  cryp- 
togamous  hand,  poor  AV.  Shakespeare  was  slowly  think- 
ing the  hair  off  his  head,  while  ever  and  anon  he  would 
bring  out  his  writing  materials  and  his  bright  ready 
tongue,  and  write  a  sonnet  on  an  empt^^  stomach. 

Prior  to  leaving  Stratford  he  is  said  to  have  dabbled 
in  the  poaching  business  in  a  humble  way  on  the 
estates  of  Sir  Thomas  Lucy,  since  deceased,  and  that  he 
wrote  the  following  encomium  or  odelet  in  a  free,  run- 
ning hand,  and  pinned  it  on  the  knight's  gate : 

O,  deer  Thomas  Lucy, 
Yourvenisou  's  juicy, 
Juicy  is  your  veuison; 
Hence  I  appeiul  mj  bcnison. 
The  rose  is  red;  the  violet 's  blue; 
The  keeper  is  a  chump  and  so  are  you. 
Which  is  why  I  remark  and  my  language  is  plain. 
Yours  truly, 

High  Low  Jack 

And  the  Game. 

Let  me  now  once  moi-e  refer  to  the  matter  of  the  sig- 
nature.   Much  has  been  said  of    Mr.   Shakespeare's 


BHAKSPEARE  NAILS  HIS  POEM  ON  THE  GATE. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  15 

coarse,  irregular  and  vulgar  penmanship,  which,  it  is 
claimed,  shows  the  ignorance  of  its  owner,  and  hence 
his  inability  to  write  the  immortal  phxys.  Let  us  com- 
pare the  signature  of  Shakespeare  with  that  of  Mr. 
Greeley,  and  we  notice  a  wonderful  similarity.  There 
is  the  same  weird  effort  in  both  cases  to  out-cryptogam 
Old  Cryptogamous  himself,  and  enshrine  immortal 
thought  and  heaven-born  genius  in  a  burglar-proof 
panoply  of  worm  fences,  and  a  chirography  that  reminds 
the  careful  student  of  the  general  direction  taken  in 
returning  to  Kound  Knob,  N.  C,  by  a  correspondent 
who  visited  the  home  of  a  moonshiner,  with  a  view 
toward  ascertaining  the  general  tendency  of  home- 
brewed whisky  to  fly  to  the  head. 

If  we  judge  Shakespeare  by  his  signature,  not  one  of 
us  will  be  safe.  Death  will  wipe  out  our  fame  with  a 
wet  sponge.  John  Hancock  in  one  hundred  years  from 
now  will  be  regarded  as  the  author  of  the  Declaration 
of  Independence,  and  Compendium  Gaskell  as  the 
author  of  the  New  York  Tribune. 

I  have  every  reason  to  believe  that  while  William 
Shakespeare  was  going  about  the  streets  of  London, 
poor  but  brainy,  erratic  but  smart,  baldheaded  but  filled 
with  a  nameless  yearning  to  write  a  play  with  real  water 
and  a  topical  song  in  it,  Francis  Bacon  was  practicing 
on  his  signature,  getting  used  to  the  full-arm  movement, 
spoiling  sheet  after  sheet  of  paper,  trying  to  make  a 
violet  swan  on  a  red  woven  wire  mattress  of  shaded 
loops  without  taking  his  pen  off  the  paper,  and  running 
the  rebus  column  of  a  business  college  paper. 

Poets  are  born,  not  made,  and  many  of  them  are  born 
with  odd  and  even  disagreeable  characteristics.     Some 


16  BILL   NYe's   chestnuts 

men  are  born  poets,  while  it  is  true  that  some  acquire 
poetry  while  others  have  poetry  thrust  upon  them. 
Poetry  is  like  the  faculty,  if  I  may  so  denominate  it,  of 
being  able  to  voluntarily  move  the  ears.  It  is  a  gift. 
It  cannot  be  taught  to  others. 

So  Shakespeare,  Avith  all  his  poor  penmanship,  with 
liis  proneness  to  poach,  with  his  poverty  and  his  neg- 
lect of  his  Avife  and  liis  children,  could  write  a  play 
wherein  the  leading  man  and  the  man  who  })layed  the 
bass  drum  in  the  orchestra  did  not  claim  to  have  made 
the  principal  part. 

Shakespeare  did  not  want  his  plays  published.  He 
wanted  to  keep  them  out  of  the  press  in  order  to  pre- 
vent their  use  at  spelling  schools  in  the  hands  of 
uiiskilled  artists,  and  so  there  was  a  long  period  of  time 
ihiring  whicli  the  papers  could  not  get  hold  of  them 
lor  publication. 

During  this  time  Francis  Bacon  was  in  public  life, 
lie  and  Shakespeare  liad  notliing  in  common.  Both 
were  great  men,  but  Bacon's  sphere  was  different  from 
Shakespeare's,  WhiU?  Bacon  was  in  the  Senate,  living 
high  and  courting  investigation,  Shakespeare  had  to 
stuff  three  large  pillows  into  his  pantaloons  and  play 
Falstaff  at  a  one-night  stand. 

Is  it  likely  that  Bacon,  breathing  the  perfumed  air 
of  the  capitol  and  chucking  the  treasury  girls  under 
the  chin  ever  and  anon,  hungered  for  the  false  joys  of 
the  under-paid  and  underscored  dramatist?     ScarcebM 

That  is  one  reason  why  I  prefer  to  take  the  side  of 
Shakespeare  rather  than  the  side  of  Bacon. 

Mr.  Donnelly's  book  shows  keen  research,  and  pre- 
serves the  interest  all  the  way  through,  for  the  reader 


OLD   AND   NEW.  17 

is  impressed  all  along  with  the  idea  that  there  is  a  hen 
on,  if  I  may  be  permitted  to  coin  a  phrase  ;  but  so  far 
my  sympathies  and  kind  regards  go  with  Shakespeare. 
He  was  one  of  the  Yeoman  of  Stratford,  and  his  early 
record  was  against  him  ;  but  where  do  poets  usually 
come  from  ?  Do  they  first  breathe  in  the  immortal 
sentiments  which,  in  after  years,  enable  their  names  to 
defy  the  front  teeth  of  oblivion  while  stopping  at  one 
of  our  leading  hotels?  Did  Burns  soak  his  system 
with  the  flavor  and  the  fragrance  of  the  Scotch  heather 
Avhile  riding  on  an  elevated  train  ?  Did  any  poet  ever 
succeed  in  getting  up  close  to  Nature's  great  North 
American  heart  by  studying  her  habits  at  a  twenty-five 
dollar  german  ?  I  trow  not.  Moreover,  every  one  who 
studies  the  history  of  our  great  poets  and  orators  will 
trow  likewise.  Lord  Tennyson  wrote  better  things 
before  he  tried  to  divide  his  attention  between  writing- 
poetry  and  being  a  Lord.  So  I  say  that  from  our 
yeomanry  frequently  spring  the  boys  whose  rare  old 
rural  memories  float  in  upon  and  chasten  and  refine 
their  after-lives  even  when  fame  comes,  and  fills  them 
full  of  themselves  and  swells  their  aching  heads  as  they 
swoop  gayly  across  the  country  in  a  special  car. 

I  do  not  go  so  far  as  some  of  the  friends  of  Shake- 
speare, and  say  that  while  he  was  a  lovely  character 
and  a  great  actor,  that  Bacon  was  a  ham.  I  do  not 
say  that,  for  Bacon  had  his  good  points. 

The  thing  that  has  done  more  to  injure  Shakespeare 
in  the  e3"es  of  the  historian  than  aught  else,  pei'haps, 
was  his  seeming  neglect  of  his  wife.  But  we  should 
consider  both  sides  of  tlie  question  before  we  pass 
judgment.  The  Hatha  ways  were  queer  people,  and 
3 


18  BILL   NYE'S   CHESTNUTS 

Amie  was  unusually  so.  Her  father  snubbed  her  in 
his  will  just  as  her  husband  did,  which  shows  that  Mrs. 
L'iiaUi-'Speare  was  not  highly  esteemed  even  by  her 
[jurcnts.  The  brief  notice  which  Anne  received  in 
these  two  wills  means  a  good  deal,  for  there  is  nothing 
, quite  so  thoroughly  unanswerable  as  a  probate  snub. 

ShalvCS})eare  in  his  own  will  gave  lo  his  wife  his 
seconil-best  bed,  and  that  was  all.  AVhen  w^e  remem- 
ber that  it  was  a  bed  that  sagged  in  the  middle,  and 
that  it  operated  by  means  of  a  bed-cord  which  had  to 
be  tightened  and  tuned  up  twice  a  week,  and  that  the 
auger-holes  in  the  bedstead  seemed  ever  to  mutely 
api)eal  for  more  powder  from  Persia's  great  pow^der 
magazme,  we  will  be  forced  to  admit  that  William  did 
not  |);5ssionately  love  his  wife. 

I  kiiow  that  Shakespeare  has  been  severely  criticised 
by  the  press  for  leaving  his  family  at  Stratford  while 
he  himself  lived  in  London,  onl.'  visiting  home  occa- 
sionally;  but  I  am  convinced  th^t  lie  found  they  could 
live  cheaper  in  that  way.  Help  in  the  house  was  very 
high  at  that  time  in  London,  and  the  intelligence  offices 
were  doing  a  very  large  business  without  giving  very 
much  intelligence.  Friends  of  his  told  him  that  it  was 
not  only  ini])ossible  to  get  enough  help  in  the  homes  of 
London,  but  that  there  was  hardly  enough  servants  to 
prevent  a  panic  in  the  Employment  Bureaus.  Severn/ 
offices  were  in  fact  compelled  to  shut  down  for  a  haL 
day  at  a  time,  one  using  the  limited  stock  in  the  fore- 
noon and  the  other  in  the  afternoon. 

Shakespeare  w^as  a  perfect  gentleman,  having  been 
made  so  by  the  Herald's  C'ollege,  which  invested  his 
father  with  coat  armor.     This  coat  armor  made  a  fren- 


OLD   AND   NEW.  19 

tleman  of  the  elder  Shakespeare,  and  as  William's 
mother  was  already  a  gentleman  under  the  code,  Will- 
iam became  one  also  both  on  his  father's  and  on  his 
mother's  side.  Of  course  all  this  is  mere  detail  and  is 
dull  and  uninteresting- ;  but  I  refer  to  it  to  show  that 
those  who  have  read  things  in  Shakespeare's  works 
that  they  did  not  like,  and  who,  therefore,  say  that  he 
was  no  gentleman,  do  the  great  Bard  an  injustice. 

I  think  I  like  Shakespeare's  expurgated  poems  best, 
and  I  often  wish  that  he  had  confined  himself  entirely 
to  that  kind.  If  I  had  a  son  who  seemed  to  lean 
toward  poesy  and  felt  like  twanging  his  lyre  now  and 
then,  1  would  advise  him  to  write  expurgated  poems 
exclusively. 

I  do  not  sa}^  tliat  Shakespeare  was  the  author  of  his 
own  works,  and  it  would  not  look  well  in  me  to  set  up 
my  opinion  in  opposition  to  that  of  scholars,  experts 
and  savants  who  have  had  more  advantages  than  I 
have,  for  I  would  never  take  advantage  of  any  one ; 
but  I  say  tnat  somehow  the  impression  has  crept  into 
the  papers  that  he  was  a  pretty  good  little  play -writer, 
and  I  am  glad  that  Mr.  Childs  has  had  a  testimonial 
made  and  sent  over  to  England  that  will  show  an 
appreciation,  at  least,  of  his  ability  to  keep  before  the 
people. 

It  will  be  noticed  by  the  alert  and  keen-scented  litter- 
ateur that  I  have  carefully  avoided  treading  on  the 
tail  of  Mr.  Donnelly's  cipher.  Being  rp.ther  a  poor 
mathematician  anyway,  I  will  not  introduce  the  cipher 
at  this  time,  but  I  w?ll  say  that  although  the  whole 
thing  happened  about  three  Imndred  years  ago,  and  has 
now  nearly  passed  out  of  my  mind,  to  the  best  of  my 


20  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

recollection  Shakespeare,  though  he  was  the  son  of  a 
buckwheater,  and  though  he  married  his  wife  with  a 
poetic  license,  and  though  he  left  his  family  at  Strat- 
ford rather  than  take  them  to  live  in  a  London  flat, 
wrote  the  most  of  his  pla3^s  with  the  assistance  of  an 
expurgator  who  was  out  of  the  city  most  all  of  the 
time. 

I  cannot  show  Shakespeare's  ready  wit  better  at  this 
time  than  by  telling  of  his  first  appearance  on  the  stag(t 
as  I  remember  it.  He  came  quietly  before  the  foot- 
lights with  a  roll  of  carpet  under  one  arm  and  a  tack 
hammer  under  the  other.  In  those  days  it  was  custom 
ary  to  nail  down  stage  carpets,  and  while  doing  so 
"  Shake,"  as  we  all  called  him  then,  knocked  the  nail 
off  his  left  thumb,  whereupon  he  received  an  ovation 
from  the  audience.  Some  men  would  have  been  rattled 
and  would  have  "called  up,"  as  we  say,  but  Shake- 
speare was  always  ready  to  please  his  friends  or 
respond  to  an  encore ;  so  putting  his  right  thumb  up 
against  a  large  painted  rock  in  a  mountain  scene,  he 
obliged  by  knocking  off  the  other  thumb-nail 

Shakespeare  wrote  the  poem  called  "Venus  and 
Adonis,"  during  the  absence  of  his  expurgator,  and  sent 
it  to  the  editor  of  the  Stratford  Ajypeal,  who  dead- 
headed tlie  paper  to  him  for  a  year  and  told  him  that 
he  wished  he  would  write  up  any  other  gossip  that 
might  come  to  his  kn(3\vledge  in  that  part  of  the  coun- 
try, especially  if  it  promised  to  be  spicy. 

Shakespeare  was  one  of  the  few  Enghshmen  who 
never  visited  this  country  for  two  weeks,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  writing  an  eight  pound  book  on  his  impressions 
of  America. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    II. 


HOW    THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH  WAS  CELEBRATED  AT 
WHALEN'S  GROVE  LAST  YEAR. 


An  Oration  by  a  Self -Made  Man  which  had  Bones  in 
it  —  Suggestions  of  Dee]}  Interest  to  Taxpayers  — 
Freedom  as  it  Suggests  Itself  to  a  Hickory  Township 
Man —  Our  Duties  to  a  Common  Country. 
There  were  patriotic  remarks  and  greased-pig  exer- 
cises at  Whalen's  Grove  last  year  on  the  Fourtli,  all  of 
which,  according  to  the  Sandy  Mush  Record- Statesnian^ 
passed  off  with  marked  success.  From  tlie  opening 
prayer  to  the  base-ball  contest  and  greased-pole  doings, 
everything  was  harmonious,  and  the  receipts  were  satis- 
factory. Col.  L.  Forsyth  Heeley  acted  as  marshal  of 
the  day,  w  earing  a  maroon  sash,  and  mounted  on  his 
well-know^n  horse,  Mambrino  King.  A  serious  accident 
in  the  early  morning  w^as  happily  averted  by  Col.  llee- 
ley's  coolness  and  self-possession.  A  lady  from  Low^er 
Hominy,  whose  name  could  not  be  ascertained,  while 
actively  engaged  in  listening  to  the  band,  and  holding 
her  young  child  so  that  it  could  get  a  good  view  of  the 
sun,  became  entangled  in  her  train,  wliich  had  worked 
around  in  front,  and  w^hile  recovering  herself  Col.  L. 
Forsyth  Heeley  came  down  the  street  in  advance  of 
tlie  lire  laddies.  The  horse  was  rearing  high  in  the 
air,  and  going  sideways  with  a  squeaking  sound,  which 
seemed  to  be  caused  by  the  friction  betw^een  his  second 
and  third  stomach.     His  mouth  was  wide  open,  and  his 

21 


22  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

fiery-red  gums  could  be  seen  as  far  as  the  eye  could 
reach.  Almost  every  one  thought  there  would  be  a 
holocaust ;  but  at  that  trying  instant,  as  if  by  magic, 
Col.  Heeley  decided  to  go  down  the  other  street. 

Our  fire  laddies  made  a  fine  appearance,  in  theirnew, 
hot  uniforms,  and  were  not  full  during  the  parade,  as 
was  stated  by  the  Hickory  township  Wo7id. 

Everybody  seemed  to  feel  an  interest  in  patriotism, 
wUh  the  exception  of  an  old  party  from  a  distance, 
who  opened  the  exercises  by  cutting  a  large  water- 
melon and  distributing  it  with  a  lavish  hand  among 
himself.  He  then  went  to  sleep  in  the  corner  of  a 
fence,  where  he  would  have  been  greatly  pestered  by 
flies  if  he  had  found  out  about  it  in  time. 

After  a  pleasant  and  courteous  prayer  by  Rev.  Mr. 
Meeks,  in  Avhich  he  laid  before  the  Lord  a  national 
policy  which  he  felt  certain  would  make  a  great  hit, 
our  Glee  Club  sang 

Oh,  say  can  you  see,  etc. 

Judge  Larraby  read  th.e  Declaration  of  Independence 
in  a  rich  dark  red  voice,  and  a  self-made  man  from 
Hickory  township  delivered  the  following  impromptu 
address,  the  manuscript  of  which  he  kindly  furnished 
to  the  Record-Statesman: 

"  Fellow  Citizens:  This  is  the  anniversary  of  the 
day  when  freedom  towards  all  and  malice  towards  none 
first  got  a  foothold  in  this  country.  And  we  are  now 
to  celebrate  that  day.  I  say  that  on  that  day  Tireny 
and  uzurpation  got  a  set-back  that  they  will  never 
recover  from.  We  then  paved  the  way  for  the  poor, 
oppressed  foreigner,  so  that  he  could  come  to  our 
shores  and  take  liberties  with  our  form  of  government. 


"l  BAY  THAT  ON  THAT  PAY  TIRENY  AND  UZURPATION  GOT  A 
8B1TBACK." 


OLD   AND   NEW.  25 

To  be  a  foreigner  here  in  America  to-day  is  one  of  the 
sweetest  boons.  If  I  could  be  just  what  I  would  like 
to  be,  I  would  be  an  oppressed  foreigner,  landing  on 
our  shores,  free  from  the  taxation  and  responsibility  of 
government,  with  no  social  demands  made  on  me,  with 
nothing  in  my  possession  but  a  hearty  Godspeed  from 
both  political  parties,  and  a  strong  yearning  for  free- 
dom. Oh,  why  was  I  not  born  an  alien,  that  both  par- 
ties wouldn't  dast  to  reproach ;  an  alien  that  can  come 
here  and  find  a  government  already  established,  with 
no  flies  on  to  it ;  a  government  of  the  people,  by  the 
people  and  for  the  people?  (Fire-crackers  and  applause.) 

"  On  the  day  that  Button  Gwinnett  put  his  name  to 
the  statement  that  all  men  was  created  more  or  less 
equal,  the  spot  on  which  we  now  stand  was  a  howling 
wilderness.  Where  yonder  lemonade-stand  now  stands 
and  realizes  a  clean  profit  of  forty-seven  dollars  and 
thirty-five  cents  on  an  investment  of  six  dollars  and 
fifty  cents,  the  rank  thistle  nodded  in  the  wynd,  and  the 
wild  fox  dag  his  hole  unscared.  If  you  do  not  believe 
this  I  refer  you  to  the  principal  of  our  public  school, 
who  is  to-day  assisting  in  the  band,  and  who  is  now  in 
the  act  of  up-ending  his  alto  horn  to  pour  out  about  a 
teacupful  of  liquid  melody  that  he  had  left  over  from 
the  last  tune. 

"And  why  is  this?  Why  are  we  to-day  a  free  people, 
Avith  a  surplus  in  the  treasury  that  nobody  can  get  at  ? 
(Loud  applause  and  squeal  from  a  grass-fed  horse  tied 
to  a  tree  who  is  being  kicked  by  a  red  two-year -old, 
owned  by  the  Pathmaster  of  Koad  District  IsTo.  3.) 

"  Why  are  our  resources  so  great  that  they  almost 
equal  our  liabilities  ?    Why  is  everything  done  to  make 


5iH  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

it  pieasant  for  the  rich  man  and  every  inducement  held 
out  for  the  poor  man  to  accumulate  more  and  more 
povert}^?  Why  is  it  that  so  much  is  said  about  the 
tariff  by  men  who  do  not  support  their  families?  Why 
is  it  that  when  we  vote  for  a  president  of  the  United 
States,  w^e  have  to  take  our  choice  between  a  statesman- 
like candidate  with  great  ability  and  proclivities  for 
grand  larceny  —  why  is  it  that  we  are  given  our  choice 
between  this  kind  of  a  man  and  what  Virgil  refers  to 
in  his  '  Childe  Harold '  as  a  chump  ?  (Cheers  and  cries 
of  '  That 's  so  '  from  a  man  who  is  riveted  to  the  spot 
by  means  of  a  new"  pitch -plank  on  which  he  is  sitting 
and  which  will  not  permit  him  to  move  out  of  the  sun.) 

''  One  hundred  years  ago  the  tastes  of  our  people 
were  simple.  Now^  it  takes  so  much  simplicity  to  keep 
Congress  going  that  the  people  don't  get  a  chance  at 
it.  A  century  ago  common,  home-made  rum  was  the 
only  relaxation  known  to  a  plain  but  abstemious  people. 
Now  it  takes  a  man  with  a  mighty  good  memory  to 
recall  the  names  of  some  of  the  things  he  has  drunk 
when  his  wife  askshimabout  it  on  the  following  morning. 
I  claim  to  have  a  good  memory  of  names  and  things  gen- 
erally, but  if  you  want  to  get  me  mixed  up  and  have 
fun  w^ith  me,  you  can  do  it  that  way. 

"  But,  fellow-citizens,  how  can  we  best  preserve  the 
blessing  of  freedom  and  fork  it  over  unimpaired  to  our 
children?  How  can  w^e  enchance  the  blood-bought 
right,  wdiich  is  inherent  in  everv  human  being,  of  the 
people,  for  the  people  and  by  the  people,  where  tyrant 
foot  hath  never  trod  nor  bigot  forged  a  chain,  for  to 
look  back  from  our  country's  glorious  natal  day  or  for- 
ward to  a  glorious,  a  happy  and  a  prosperous  future  with 


OLD    AND    NEW.  27 

regard  to  purity  of  the  ballot  and  free  speech.  I  say 
for  one  we  cannot  do  otherwise.   (Prolonged  applause.) 

"  I  would  rather  have  my  right  hand  cleave  to  the 
roof  of  my  mouth  than  to  utter  a  sentiment  that  I 
would  regret;  but  I  say  that  as  a  people,  as  a  nation  or 
as  an  inalienable  right  which  no  man  can  gainsay  or 
successfully  controvert,  not  for  political  purposes,  and 
yet  I  am  often  led  to  inquire  whither  are  we  drifting, 
not  only  as  a  people  and  as  a  nation,  but  as  a  country 
and  as  a  joint  school  district,  No.  6,  where  we  now  stand, 
and  when  we  are  paying  a  school  teacher  this  summer 
twenty-two  dollars  a  month  to  teach  the  children, little 
prattling  children,  during  the  hot  summer  weather,  how 
many  feet  of  intestines  there  are  in  the  human  body 
and  what  is  best  to  do  for  it  ?  Last  winter  we  paid 
thirty-four  dollars  per  month  to  a  man  who  opened  the 
school  with  prayer  and  then  made  a  picture  of  the 
digestive  organs  on  the  blackboard.  And  still  we  won- 
der that  politics  is  corrupt. 

"  I  tell  you  that  the  seeds  of  vice  and  wickedness  is 
often  sowed  at  school  in  the  minds  of  the  young  by 
teachers  who  are  paid  a  large  salary  to  do  far  different. 
What  do  you  think  of  a  man  who  would  open  a 
school  with  prayer  and  then  converse  freely  about  the 
alimentary  canal?  Such  a  man  would  lead  a  life  of 
the  deepest  infamy  if  he  had  the  least  encouragement. 

"  So  I  say,  fellow-citizens,  that  we  must  guard  against 
the  mfluences  of  the  public  schools  as  a  nation,  for  the 
people,  of  the  people,  and  by  the  people.  Education  is 
oftrn  a  blessing  in  disguise,  but  we  should  not  pry  into 
th'v/igs  that  the  finite  mind  has  no  business  with.  How 
rr  •vh  was  Galileo  ahead  in  the  long  run  for  going  out 


28  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

of  his  sphere?  He  Avas  boycotted  from  morning  till 
night  and  died  poor.  Look  at  Demosthenes.  Look  at 
Diogenes.  They  pried  into  ticience,  and  both  of  them 
was  poor  providers  and  have  since  died.  Of  course 
llieir  names  are  frequently  used  in  debating  schools, 
and  some  claim  that  this"is  big  pay  for  what  they  Avent 
through;  but  I  say  give  me  a  high-stepping  horse,  the 
brjo'lit  smile  of  dear  ones  Avho  are  not  related  to  me  in 
any  way,  the  approval  of  the  admiring  throng,  a  large 
woolly  dog  that  Avill  do  as  I  tell  him,  a  modest  little 
homo  and  unlimited  credit  at  the  store,  and  I  do  not 
c.'i.re  how  much  B.  will  have  to  use  off  from  the  diame- 
ter of  a  given  grindstone,  for  which  he  paid  an  undi- 
vided one-fifteenth. 

''I  know  that  this  is  regarded  as  a  queer  doctrine  by 
what  is  called  our  more  Advanced  Thinkers,  but  I  say 
let  every  man  Avho  pants  for  fame  select  his  own  style 
of  pant  and  go  ahead.  I  bid  Lim  a  most  hearty  god- 
speed and  hope  he  will  do  w^ell. 

"  But  Avhat  makes  me  mad  is  for  a  man  to  come  to 
me  and  dictate  Avhat  I  shall  pant  for.  This  is  called 
intolerance  by  people  who  can  afford  to  use  words  of 
that  size.  Intolerance  is  a  thing  that  makes  me  tired. 
AYhether  it's  religious,  political  or  social  intolerance,  I 
dislike  it  very  much.  People  thnt  think  I  will  enjoy 
voting  for  a  yaller  dog  that  had  been  picked  out  for 
nse,  or  tliat  I  will  be  tickled  to  death  to  indorse  the 
religious  dogmas  of  an  effete  raonicky  with  my  eyes 
shot,  don't  know  me.  I  say,  let  every  man  rely  solely 
on  his  own  thinker,  and  damned  be  he  who  first  cries 
hold,  enough  !  I  am  not  a  profane  man,  but  I  quote 
from  a  poem  in  using  the  above  quotation. 


ODD  AND  NEW.  29 

"But  again.  In  closing,  let  me  say  that  we  owe  it 
to  our  common  country  to  be  peaceable  citizens  and 
pay  our  taxes  without  murmuring.  The  time  to  get  in 
our  fine  work  is  on  the  valuation,  and  it  is  too  late  to 
kick  after  that.  Let  us  cultivate  a  spirit  of  lofty 
patriotism,  but  believe  nothing  just  to  oblige  others.  I 
used  to  be  a  great  believer  in  anything  that  was  sub 
mitted  for  ni}^  a])proval.  That  was  what  kept  me  back. 
Now,  if  a  man  like  Jay  Gould  says  he  is  not  feeling  so 
well  as  he  did,  I  make  him  show  me  his  tongue. 

"  We  are  here  to-day  to  celebrate  the  birthday  of 
American  freedom,  as  I  understand  it,  and  I  am  here 
to  say  that  whatever  may  be  said  against  our  refine- 
ment and  our  pork,  our  style  of  freedom  is  sought  for 
everywhere.  It  is  a  freedom  that  will  stand  any  climate 
and  I  hear  it  very  highly  spoken  of  wherever  I  go. 

"  I  am  here  to  state  that,  as  boy  and  man,  I  have 
been  a  constant  user  of  American  freedom  for  over 
fifty  years,  and  I  can  trul}'^  say  that  I  leel  no  desire  to 
turn  back  ;  also  tliat  there  will  be  a  grand,  free-for-all 
scuffle  for  a  greased  pig  on  the  vacant  lot  south  of  the 
church  at  seven  o'clock,  after  wliich  fireworks  will  be 
served  to  those  who  desire  to  remain." 

And  thus  did  the  Fourth  of  July  pass  with  all  its 
glories  in  Whalen's  Grove  in  the  year  of  our  indepen- 
dence the  110th. 


ENCOURAGING  GREEN  JOKES. 
I  want  to  encourage  green  jokes,  that  have  never 
trotted  in  harness  before,  and,  besides,  I  must  insist  on 
using  my  scanty  fund  of  laugh  on  jokes  of  the  nine- 
teenth century.  I  have  got  to  draw  the  line  some- 
where. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    III. 


BILL  NYE  FINDS  COLOROW  FULL  OF  ODD  TRAITS. 


A    Copper-complexioned    Gentleman  of  Few    Words  — 
A  Generous  Offer  of  "  Two  Sleejps  "  that  was  Promfptly 
Accepted — A    Speech,    from    Color ow    that  Proved 
Fatal  to  His  Hapless  Stenographer. 
The  recent    ruction    on   the  part    of  William  H. 
Colorow,  Duke  of  Rawhide  Buttes  and  heir  presump- 
tive to  the  throne  of  Yellow  Jacket  Park,  brings  the 
Indian  once  more  to  our  notice  and  teaches  us  that 
eternal  vigilance  is  the  price  of  government  land  on 
the  frontier, 

Sig.  Colorow  is  of  Indian  parentage  and  his  lineage, 
such  as  it  is,  is  very  long.  His  ancestors  run  back  as  far 
as  the  earliest  dawn  of  the  Christian  era.  They  claimed 
the  land  extending  in  a  southerly  direction  from  the 
North  Pole,  and  seemed  to  ignore  the  fact  that  it  had 
been  sold  for  taxes.  The  Indian  has  always  been  in 
favor  of  representation  without  taxation,  and  Colorow 
has  believed  in  a  community  of  grub,  allowing  the 
white  man  to  retain  a  controlling  interest  in  common, 
wet-br6wed  toil.  He  has  always  been  willing  to  divide 
his  bread  with  the  pale-face.  He  has  offered,  time  and 
again,  to  give  the  white  man  the  bread  that  was 
sweetened  with  honest  sweat,  while  he  took  his  plain. 
He  says  that  to  prefer  bread  that  tastes  of  perspiration 

shows  a  depraved  taste. 

30 


OLD   AND    NEW  31 

Coiorow  has  for  years  been  a  terror  to  the  people 
of  northwestern  Colorado,  eastern  Utah  and  southern 
Wyoming.  Every  spring  it  used  to  be  his  custom  to 
stroll  into  North  Park  and  prospect  for  prospectors. 
Once  he  came  to  call  on  me.  He  had  been  there  longer 
than  I  had  and  so,  of  course,  it  was  nothing  more  than 
etiquette  that  he  should  call  on  me. 

He  seemed  to  enjoy  his  call  very  much.  I  could  not 
think  of  anything  to  say,  though  generally  I  am  of  a 
bright  and  happy  disposition.  After  I  had  asked  him 
how  his  mother  was,  I  could  not  think  of  anything 
else  to  interest  him.  Finally  I  thought  of  Capt.  John 
Smith  and  how  he  amused  a  hostile  band  by  showing 
them  liis  compass  and  new  suspenders.  I  had  no  com- 
pass, but  I  had  a  new  watch  which  I  carried  in  a  buck- 
skin watch-pocket,  and  I  thought  I  would  show  him 
the  sweep-second  and  fiy-back  and  let  him  see  the  wheels 
go  round. 

When  Coiorow  is  captured,  if  the  United  States  of 
America  iias  no  use  for  that  watch,  I  would  be  glad  to 
have  it  returned  to  me  at  No.  32^  Park  Row,  New 
York. 

Coiorow  is  a  man  of  few  words.  I  will  never  for- 
get what  he  said  to  me  when  he  went  away.  He  held 
up  two  fingers  and  said  in  a  voice  that  did  not  seem  to 
waver : 

"Meboe  so,  two  sleeps  more,  you  get  out." 

I  sometimes  think  that  when  a  man  says  very  little 
we  are  more  apt  to  take  an  interest  in  what  he  says. 
It  was  so  in  his  case.  I  got  to  thinking  over  his 
remark  after  he  had  gone  and  I  decided  to  accept  of  his 
generous  offer. 


32  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

JIc  had  given  me  two  sleeps  ;  but  I  do  not  require 
niucii  sleep  anyway,  and  when  I  got  to  thinking  about 
Colorow  and  his  restless  manner  while  he  was  my 
gV.est  I  could  not  sleep  so  well  as  I  had  formerly,  and  so 
I  liiive  been  doing  the  most  of  my  sleeping  since  that  in 
a  more  thiclcl}'  settled  country.  I  remember  I  was  so 
restless  that  last  niglit  that  I  walked  feverishly  about. 
I  walked  feverishly  about  twenty-five  miles,  I  judge, 
in  a  noi'tliei'ly  direction. 

I  left  a  small  but  growmg  mine  there  at  that  time 
in  charge  of  the  Utes,  and  I  hope  they  used  it  judi- 
ciously. 

The  Ute  nation  is  divided  mto  two  sections  —  viz., 
the  Southern  [Jtes,  who  have  been  pretty  generally 
friendly,  and  the  I>[orthern  or  White  River  Utes,  who 
break  out  into  tits  of  emotional  insanity  whenever  their 
ponies  got  their  bellies  full  of  grass. 

My  policy  —  one  which,  I  regret  to  say,  has  nevei' 
been  adopted  by  the  government  —  is  to  hire  a  suffi- 
cient number  of  armed  herders  to  take  the  entire  grand 
remnant  sale  of  Indian  tribes  out  on  the  plains  and 
v/atcli  them  all  summer,  rounding  them  up  and  count- 
ing them  every  morning  and  evening  to  see  that  they 
are  all  there.  Through  the  day  the}^  might  be  kept 
busy  pulling  up  the  "  pizen-weed"  which  grows  all  over 
the  grazing  gr(junds  of  the  West,  and  thus  they  would 
get  plenty  of  fresh  air  and  at  the  same  time  do  good 
in  a  modest  way.  But  this  scheme  for  "Utelizing" 
the  Utes  is  a  hundred  years  ahead  of  the  age,  and  so  I 
do  not  expect  that  it  will  meet  with  the  indorsement 
of  a  sluggish  administration. 

There  are,  however,  two  sides  to  the  Indian  question, 


OLD   AND    NEW.  35 

viz.,  a  right  and  a  wrong  side.  That  is  why  the  Indian 
question  wears  so  well. 

One  of  the  great  wrongs  incident  to  the  matter  is 
the  great  delay  in  officially  reaching  the  War  Depart- 
ment in  such  a  way  as  to  attract  the  eye  of  the  speaker. 
By  the  time  a  courier  can  get  in  to  a  telegraph  station 
and  wire  the  governor  of  a  state,  who  notifies  tlie 
Adjutant-General  to  write  a  dictated  letter  with  his 
trenchent  typewriter,  apprising  the  commander  of  the 
department,  who  is  at  Coney  Island  or  Carlsbad,  with 
no  typewriter  nearer  than  fifteen  miles,  who  wires  the 
governor  to  make  active  inquiries  about  the  matter, 
and  by  the  time  the  governor  has  sent  a  committee, 
who  go  to  within  fifty  miles  of  the  scene  of  hostihties, 
and  return  at  the  end  of  six  weeks  to  report  that  they 
do  not  know  whether  there  has  been  an  outbreak  or 
not,  and  then  when  a  ranchman  is  really  killed,  and 
reputable  eye-witnesses,  who  were  personally  ac- 
quainted with  deceased,  and  will  swear  that  they  have 
no  interest  in  the  result  of  the  outbreak,  come  in  and 
make  a  written  and  grammatical  request  for  troops, 
and  the  War  Department  gets  thoroughly  rested,  the 
Indians  have  gone  home,  washed  the  gore  off  their 
hands,  and  resumed  their  quiet  humdrum  life.  Like 
trying  to  treat  a  man  in  Liverpool  for  softening  of  the 
brain  by  applying  the  mind  cure  per  cable  from  New 
York,  the  remedy  is  too  remote  from  the  disease. 

Indians  are  quick  and  impulsive  in  the  matter  of 
homicide.  They  are  slow  to  grapple  with  anything  of 
a  humorous  nature,  and  all  the  humorous  lecturers  who 
have  been  on  the  Ute  lecture  course  have  lost  money, 
but  in  the  holocaust  line,  or  general  arson,  torture  and 


36  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

massacre  business,  they  act  with  astonishing  rapidity. 
As  a  race,  they  regard  this  entire  land  as  their  own, 
just  as  the  mosquitoes  claim  New  Jersey,  simply  because 
they  were  there  first. 

The  Indians  see  that  the  property  is  improving,  and 
so  they  feel  more  and  more  wealthy  and  arrogant. 
They  claim  that  they  will  never  give  up  their  rights 
unless  they  get  hard  up,  and  even  then  it  will  not 
count.  They  always  have  a  mental  reservation  in 
these  matters,  which  they  prefer  to  the  reservation  pro- 
vided by  the  government. 

Indians  naturally  dislike  to  see  these  lands  in  the 
possession  of  wealthy  men  whose  sous  earn  a  precarious 
livelihood  by  playing  lawn  tennis. 

Colorow  once  made  a  short  speech  to  his  troops, 
which  was  taken  down  at  the  time  by  a  gentleman  who 
was  present  and  who  was  collecting  material  for  a  new 
third  reader  for  our  common  schools. 

Colorow  claimed  that  it  was  incorrect,  and  the  notes 
were  found  afterward  on  the  stenographer's  body.  It 
is  about  as  ticklish  business  to  report  an  Indian  speech 
as  it  is  to  poultice  a  boil  on  the  person  of  the  Ameer 
of  Cabul. 

In  closing  Colorow  said :  "  Warriors,  our  sun  is  set. 
We  are  most  of  us  out  on  third  base,  and  we  have  no 
influence  with  the  umpire. 

"  Once  I  could  stand  on  the  high  ground  and  one 
shout  would  fill  the  forest  with  warriors.  Now  the 
wailing  wind  catches  up  my  cry  and  bears  it  away  like 
the  echo  of  our  former  greatness,  and  I  hear  a  low 
voice  murmur,  '  Eats.' 

"  Whisky  and  refinement  have  filled  our  land  with 


OLD   AND    NEW.  37 

sorrow.  The  white  man  crossed  the  dark  waters  in  his 
hirge  canoe  and  filled  the  forest  with  churches  and 
railroad  accidents. 

"  The  Indian  loves  not  to  make  money  and  own 
aldermen  for  wliich  he  has  no  use.  He  loves  his  wives 
and  his  cliildren  and  intrusts  tliem  with  the  responsi- 
bility of  doing  all  his  work.  The  white  man  comes  to 
us  with  honeyed  words  and  says  if  we  will  divide  our 
lands  'vith  him  he  will  give  us  a  present ;  and  when  we 
give  him  a  county  and  a  half  he  gives  us  a  red  collar- 
button  and  a  blue  book,  in  which  he  has  written  in  his 
stran'ge  and  silent  language, '  When  this  you  see,  remem- 
ber me.'  Our  warriors  are  weak  and  have  the  hearts 
of  Avomen.  They  care  not  for  the  war-path  or  the 
chase.  Most  of  them  want  to  go  on  the  stage.  Once 
m}''  warriors  went  Vv^ith  me  at  a  moment's  warning  to 
clean  out  the  foe.  They  slept  in  the  swamps  with  the 
rattlesnakes  at  night  and  fouglit  like  wolves  in  the 
daytime.  Now  my  warriors  wdl  not  go  on  the  war- 
path without  a  valise,  and  some  of  them  want  to  carry 
their  dinner. 

"  Some  day,  like  the  fall  of  a  miglity  oak  in  the  for- 
est, Colorow  will  fall  to  the  earth  and  he  will  rise  no 
more.  You  will  be  scattered  to  the  four  winds  of 
heaven,  and  you  will  go  no  more  to  battle.  Some  of 
you  will  stai've  to  death,  while  others  will  go  to  New 
York  and  wear  a  long  linen  duster,  with  the  price  of 
cut-rate  tickets  down  the  back.  Some  of  you  will  die 
Avith  snakes  in  your  moccasins,  and  others  will  go  to 
Jerusalem  to  help  rob  the  Dead  wood  coach. 

"  Warriors,  I  thank  you  for  your  kind  attention  and 
appreciation.    The  regular  outbreak  will  begin  to-mor- 


38  BILL  NYE  S   CHESTNUTS 

row  evening  at  early  candle-light.     The  massacre  will 
open  with  a  song  and  dance." 

Colorow  dresses  plainly  in  a  coat  of  paint  and  a 
gun. 

AWKWARDNESS  OF  CARRYING  WHISKY  ABOUT. 

Whisky  is  more  bulky  and  annoying  to  carry  about, 
in  the  coat-tail  pocket  than  a  plug  of  tobacco;  but 
there  have  been  cases  where  it  was  successfully  done. 
I  was  shown  yesterday  a  little  corner  that  would  hold 
six  or  eight  bushels.  It  was  in  the  wash-room  of  a 
hotel,  and  was  about  half  full.  So  were  the  men  who 
came  there,  for  before  night  the  entire  place  was  filled 
with  empty  whisky  bottles  of  every  size,  shape  and 
smell. 


THE  RIGHT  SORT  OF  BOY. 

I  am  always  sorry  to  see  a  youth  get  irritated  and 
pack  up  his  clothes  in  the  heat  of  debate,  and  leave  the 
home  nest.  His  future  is  a  little  doubtful,  and  it  is 
hard  to  prognosticate  whether  he  will  fracture  lime- 
stone for  the  streets  of  a  great  city,  or  become  Presi- 
dent of  the  United  States;  but  there  is  a  beautiful  and 
luminous  life  ahead  of  him  in  comparison  with  that  of 
the  boy  who  obstinately  refuses  to  leave  the  home 
nest.  The  boy  who  cannot  summon  the  moral  courage 
some  day  to  uncoil  the  tendrils  of  his  heart  from  the 
clustering  idols  of  the  household,  to  grapple  with  out 
rageous  fortune,  ought  to  be  taken  by  the  ear  and  led 
away  out  into  the  great  untried  realm  of  space. 


CHESTNUT-BUKK.    IT. 


BILL  NYE  PAYS  A  BRIEF  VISIT  TO  A  PROFESSIONAL 
STAR  READER. 


How  His  Past  Was  Raked  Uj)  and  His  Future  Pre- 
dicted— Interesting  Informatiori  for  One  Hollar — He 
is  Wa7'ned  to  Beware  of  Certain  Bad  Men^A  Deli- 
cate Point  of  Etiquette — Are  Astrologists  Deterior- 
ating f 

"  Ring  the  bell  and  the  door  will  open/'  is  the  re- 
mark made  by  a  small  label  over  a  bell  handle  in  Third 
avenue,  near  Eighteenth  street,  where  Mme.  La  Foy 
reads  the  past,  present  and  future  at  so  much  per  read. 
Love,  marriage,  divorce,  business,  speculation  and  sick- 
ness are  there  handled  with  the  utmost  impunity  by 
"  Mme.  La  Foy,  the  famous  scientific  astrologist,"  who 
has  monkeyed  with  the  planets  for  twenty  years,  and 
if  she  wanted  any  information  has  "  read  it  in  the  stars." 
I  rang  the  bell  the  other  day  to  see  if  the  door  would 
open.  It  did  so  after  considerable  dela}^  and  a  pimply 
boy  in  knee  pants  showed  me  upstairs  into  the  waiting 
room.  After  a  while  I  was  removed  to  the  consultation 
room,  where  Mme.  La  Foy,  seated  behind  a  small  oil- 
cloth-covered table,  rakes  up  old  personalities  and 
pries  into  the  future  at  cut  rates. 

Skirmishing  about  among  the  planets  for  twenty 
years  involves  a  great  deal  of  fatigue  and  exposure, 
to  say  nothing  of  the  night  Avork,  and  so  Mme.  La  Foy 

89 


40  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

has  the  air  of  one  who  has  put  in  a  very  busy  life.  She 
is  as  familiar  with  planets,  though,  as  you  or  I 
might  be  with  our  own  family,  and  calls  them  by  their 
first  names.  She  would  know  Jupiter,  Venus,  Saturn, 
Adonis  or  any  of  the  other  fixed  stars  the  darkest  night 
that  ever  blew. 

"  Mrae.  La  Foy  De  Graw,"  said  I,  bowing  with  the 
easy  grace  of  a  gentleman  of  the  old  school,  "  would 
you  mind  peering  into  the  future  for  me  about  a  half 
dollar's  worth,  not  necessarily  for  publication,  et  cet- 
era." 

"  Certainly  not.     What  would  you  like  to  know  ?" 

"Why,  I  want  to  know  all  I  can  for  the  money," 
I  said,  in  a  bantering  tone.  "Of  course  I  do  not 
wish  to  know  what  I  already  know.  It  is  what  I  do 
not  know  now  that  I  desire  to  know.  Tell  me  Avhat  I  do 
not  know.  Madam.     I  will  detain  you  but  a  moment." 

She  gave  me  back  my  large,  round  half  dollar  and 
told  me  that  she  was  already  weary.  She  asked  me  to 
excuse  her.  She  was  willing  to  unveil  the  future  to  me 
in  her  jioor,  weak  way,  but  she  could  not  guarantee  to 
let  a  large  flood  of  light  into  the  darkened  basement  of 
a  benighted  mind  for  half  a  dollar. 

"You  can  tell  me  what  year  and  on  what  day  of 
what  month  you  were  born,"  said  Mme.  La  Foy,  "  and 
I  will  outline  your  life  to  you.  I  generally  require  a 
lock  of  the  hair,  but  in  your  case  we  will  dispense  with 
it." 

I  told  her  when  I  was  born  and  the  circumstances,  as 
well  as  I  could  recall  them. 

"This  brings  you  under  Yenus,  Mercury  and  Mars. 
These  three  planets  were  in  conjunction  at  the  time  of 


OLD    AND   NEW.  41 

your  birth.  You  were  born  when  the  sign  was  wrong, 
and  you  have  had  more  or  less  trouble  ever  since. 
Had  you  been  born  when  the  sign  was  in  the  head  or 
the  heart,  instead  of  the  feet,  you  would  not  have 
spread  out  over  the  ground  so  much. 

"  Your  health  is  very  good,  as  is  the  health  of  those 
generally  who  are  born  under  the  same  auspices  that 
you  were.  People  who  are  born  under  the  reign  of  the 
crab  are  apt  to  be  cancerous.  You,  however,  have 
great  lung  power  and  wonderful  gastric  possibilities. 
Yet,  at  times,  you  would  be  very  easily  upset.  A  strong 
cyclone  that  would  unroof  a  courthouse  or  tip  over  a 
through  train  would  also  upset  you,  in  spite  of  your 
broad  firm  feet,  if  the  wind  got  behind  one  of  your 
laars. 

"You  will  be  married  early  and  you  will  be  very 
happy,  though  your  wife  will  not  enjoy  herself  very 
much.  Your  wife  will  be  much  happier  during  her 
second  marriage. 

"  You  will  prosper  better  in  business  matters  without 
forming  any  partnerships.  Do  not  go  into  partnership 
with  a  small,  dark  man,  who  has  neuralgia  and  a  fine 
yacht.  He  has  abundant  means,  but  he  will  go  through 
you  like  an  electric  shock. 

"  Tuesdays  and  Saturdays  will  be  your  most  fortu- 
nate days  on  which  to  borrow  money  of  men  with 
light  hair.  Mondays  and  Thursdays  will  be  your  best 
days  for  approaching  dark  men. 

"  Look  out  for  a  low  -sot  man  accompanied  by  an 
office  cat,  both  of  whom  are  engaged  in  the  newspaper 
business.  He  is  crafty  and  bald-headed  on  his  father's 
side.     He  prints  the  only  paper  that  contains  the  full 


4:3  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

text  of  bis  speeches  at  testimonials  and  dinners  given 
to  other  people.  Do  not  loan  him  money  on  any  ac- 
count. 

"  You  would  succeed  well  as  a  musician  or  an  invent- 
or, but  you  would  not  do  well  as  a  poet.  You  have  all 
tlie  keen  sensibility  and  strong  passion  of  a  poet,  but 
you  haven't  the  hair.     Do  not  try  poesy. 

"  In  the  future  I  see  you  very  prosperous  You  are 
on  the  lecture  platform  speaking.  Large  crowds  of 
people  are  jostling  each  other  at  the  box-office  and  try- 
ing to  get  their  money  back. 

"  Then  I  see  you  riding  behind  a  flexible  horse  that 
must  have  cost  a  large  sum  of  money.  You  are  smok- 
ing a  cigar  that  has  never  been  in  use  before.  Then 
Venus  bisects  the  orbit  of  Mars,  and  I  see  you  going 
home  with  your  head  tied  up  in  the  lap-robe,  you  and 
your  spirited  horse  in  the  same  ambulance." 

"  But  do  you  see  anything  for  me  in  the  future,  Mme. 
l,a  Foy  V I  asked,  taking  my  feet  off  the  table,  the  better 
to  watch  her  features  ;  "  anything  that  would  seem  to  in- 
dicate political  preferment,  a  reward  for  past  services 
to  ray  country,  as  it  were  ?" 

"  No,  not  clearly.  But  wait  a  moment.  Your  horo- 
scope begins  to  get  a  little  more  intelligent.  I  see  you 
at  the  door  of  the  Senate  Chamber.  You  are  counting 
over  your  money  and  looking  sadly  at  a  schedule  of 
prices.  Then  you  turn  sorrowfully  away,  and  decide  to 
buy  a  seat  in  the  House  instead.  Many  years  after  I 
see  you  in  the  Senate.  You  are  there  day  after  day 
attending  to  your  duties.  You  are  there  early,  before 
any  one  else,  and  I  see  you  pacing  back  and  forth,  up 
and  down  the  aisles,  sweeping  out  the  Senate  Chamber 


OLD   AND   NEW.  45 

and  dusting  off  the  seats  and  rejuvenating  the  cuspi- 
dors." 

"  Does  this  horoscope  which  you  are  using  this  sea- 
son give  you  any  idea  as  to  whether  money  matters 
Avill  be  scarce  with  me  next  weelv  or  otherwise,  and  if 
so,  what  I  liad  better  do  about  it?" 

"  Towards  the  last  of  the  week  you  will  experience 
considerable  monetary  prostration  ;  but  just  as  5^ou  have 
become  despondent,  at  the  very  tail  end  of  the  week, 
the  horizon  will  clear  up  and  a  slight,  dark  gentleman, 
with  wide  trousers,  who  is  a  total  stranger  to  you,  will 
loan  you  quite  a  sum  of  money,  with  the  understand- 
ing that  it  is  to  be  repaid  on  Monday." 

"  Then  you  would  not  advise  me  to  go  to  Coney  Isl- 
and until  the  week  after  next*" 

"Certainly  not." 

"Would  it  be  etiquette  in  dancing  a  quadrille  to 
swing  a  young  person  of  the  opposite  sex  twice  round 
at  a  select  party  when  you  are  but  slightly  acquainted, 
but  feel  quite  confident  that  her  partner  i3  unarmed?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Does  your  horoscope  tell  a  person  what  to  do  witlx 
raspberry  jelly  that  will  not  jell  ?" 

"  No,  not  at  the  present  prices." 

"  So  you  predict  an  early  marriage,  with  threatening 
weather  and  strong  prevailing  easterly  winds  along  the 
Gulf  States?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  And  is  there  no  way  that  this  early  marriage  may 
be  evaded  ?" 

"  No,  not  unless  you  put  it  off  till  later  m  life." 

"Thank  you,"  I  said,  rising  and    looking  out  the 


46  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

window  over  a  broad  sweep  of  undulating  alley  and 
wind-swept  roofing ;  "  and  now,  how  mucU  are  you  out 
on  this  ?" 

"  Sir !" 

«  What's  the  aamage  ?" 

"  Oh,  one  dollar." 

"  But  don't  3'ou  advertise  to  read  the  past,  present 
and  future  for  fifty  cents  ?" 

"  Well,  that  is  where  a  person  has  had  other  infor- 
mation ■  before  in  his  life  and  has  some  knowledge  to 
begin  with  ;  but  where  I  fill  up  a  vacant  mind  entirely, 
and  store  it  with  facts  of  all  kinds,  and  stock  it  up  so 
tliat  it  can  do  business  for  itself,  I  charge  a  dollar.  I 
cannot  thorouglily  refit  and  refurnish  a  mental  tenement 
from  the  ground  up  for  fifty  cents." 

I  do  not  think  we  have  as  good  "  Astrologists  "  now 
as  we  used  to  have.  Astrologists  cannot  crawl  under 
the  tent  and  pry  into  the  future  as  they  could  three  or 
four  thousand  years  ago. 


INGRATITUDE  OF  THE  HUMAN  HEART. 
Wlien  I  was  a  child  I  was  diiferent  from  other  boys 
m  many  respects.  I  was  always  looking  about  to  see 
wliat  good  I  could-do.  I  am  that  way  yet.  If  my  little 
brother  wanted  to  go  in  swimming  contrary  to  orders, 
I  was  not  strong  enough  to  prevent  him,  but  I  would 
go  in  with  him  and  save  him  from  a  watery  grave.  I 
went  in  the  water  thousands  of  times  that  way,  and  as 
a  result  he  is  alive  to-day.  But  he  is  ungrateful.  He 
hardly  ever  mentions  it  now,  but  he  remembers  the 
Gordian  knots  that  I  tied  in  his  shirts.  He  speaks  of 
them  frequently. 


CHESTNCJT-BUKR.    V. 


CONCERNING  THE  FRENCH  MASTERPIECES  AT  THE 
ACADEMY  OF  DESIGN. 


A  Connoisseur  with   Original  Ideas    Who   Grasjys  at 
Once  the  Spirit  of  the  Canvas  and  discovers  Various 
Latent  Beauties  Unltnown  Even  to  the  Artist  Him. 
self —  Diana  Surprised,  arid  Attired  in    an  Atmos- 
phere that  Defies  Fashion'' s  Edict. 
Taking  The  World  artist  with  me  in  order  to  know 
fully  what  I  was  talking  about,  I  visited  the  Academy 
of  Design  a  day  or  two  ago  for  the  purpose  of  witness- 
ing some  of  the  pictures  from  Paris  which  are  now  on 
exhibition  there.   Many  of  these  pictures  are  large  and 
beautiful,  while  others  are  small  and  ornery.     At  the 
head  of  the  stairs  is  a  smallish  picture,  with  a  good, 
heavy  frame  and  greenish  foreground.     It  is  not  on  the 
catalogue,  so  I  will  try  to  describe  it  briefly.     About 
half  way  between  the  foreground  and  middle  distance 
there  is  a  cream-colored  perspective,  while  above  this 
there  is  a  rag-carpet  sky,  with  lumps  on  it. 

"And  is  there  no  way  of  removing  these  large  lumps 
of  paint,  so  as  to  give  the  picture  an  even  appearance  ?" 
I  asked  Mr.  McDougall. 

"  Oh,  no ;  they  don't  want  to  do  that,"  he  said; "  that 
is  the  impasto  method  of  putting  on  the  colors,  which 
brings  out  the  salient  features  of  the  painting." 
So  this  imposture  method,  it  seems,  is  really  gaining 

47 


48  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

ground,  and  this  picture,  with  the  soldier-overcoat  sky 
and  green  chenille  grass  and  gargetty  distance,  would 
no  doubt  be  worth  in  Paris  thirteen  or  fourteen  dollars. 

No.  84  is  a  picture  by  Charles  Durand,  entitled  "A 
Country  Woman  in  Champagne."  I  was  bitterly  dis- 
appointed in  this  picture,  for  though  the  woman  seems 
to  be  in  good  spirits  the  artist  has  utterly  failed  to 
grapple  ruUy  with  his  subject,  and  without  the  cata- 
logue in  his  hand  I  would  defy  the  most  brilliant  cois- 
noisseur  to  say  definitely  whether  or  not  she  is  undet 
the  influence  of  liquor. 

We  next  walk  arounci  to  No.  168,  a  picture  hy 
Camille  Fissaro. 

M.  Pissaro  has  ten  pictures  in  the  Academ}'-,  but  thit 
one  is  the  best.  It  is  made  by  the  squirt  system  of 
painting,  graining  and  kalsomining,  which  is  now  be- 
coming so  a  la  mode  and  rouge  et  noir.  The  artist  telh 
me  that  the  colors  are  carefully  arranged  in  a  tin  pail 
and  applied  to  the  canvas  by  means  of  a  squirt  gun  ot 
Rembrandt  stomach  pump.  This  gives  the  painting  a 
beautiful  yet  dappled  appearance,  which  could  not  be 
obtained  with  a  brush. 

This  picture  is  worth  three  dollars  of  any  man's  money 
for  the  frame  is  worth  two  dollars,  and  there  is  at  least  a 
dollar's  worth  of  paint  on  the  picture  that  is  just  as  good 
as  ever.  The  artist  has  handled  the  feet  in  a  masterly 
manner,  bringing  them  out  lo  that  they  hang  over  the 
frame  like  a  thing  of  life.  If  I  could  paint  feet  as  M.  Pis- 
saro does  I  would  not  spend  my  life  striping  buggies  in  a 
close  room  among  coarse  men  with  putty  on  their  panta- 
loons, but  I  would  burst  forth  from  my  humble  sur- 
roundings, and   I  would  attract  the  attention  of  th« 


OLD   AJ^ID   NEW.  49 

whole  great  world  of  art  with  my  massive  and  heroic 
feet.  Then  from  this  I  would  gradually  get  so  that  I 
could  make  pictures  that  would  resemble  people.  There 
is  no  reason  why  M.  Pissaro  should  not  do  well  in  that 
way,  for  he  has  painted  No.  171,  "A  woman  at  a  Well," 
in  which  the  most  unkempt  and  uncultivated  peasant 
can  at  once  distinguish  which  is  the  woman  and  which 
is  the  well.  He  is  also  the  author  of  "  Spring,"  a  squirt 
study  with  a  blue  rash,  v/hich  has  broken  out  where  the 
sky  ought  to  be. 

No.  136  is  the  "  Execution  of  Maximilian,"  by  Edouard 
Manet,  a  foreign  artist.  The  scene  is  laid  at  the  base 
of  an  old  Mexican  slaughter-house.  In  the  foreground 
may  be  seen  the  rear  of  the  Mexican  army  with  its 
wealth  of  tournure  and  cute  little  gored  panties.  All 
Mexican  troops  have  their  trousers  gored  at  the  hips. 
Sometimes  they  also  have  them  gored  at  the  bull-fights 
which  take  place  there.  In  the  contiguous  distance 
Maximilian  maybe  seen,  wearing  the  hat  which  has 
evidently  infuriated  the  Mexican  populace.  The  artist 
says  that  Maximilian  objects  to  being  shot,  but  I  pre- 
tend not  to  hear  him,  and  he  repeats  the  remark,  so  I 
have  to  say  "  Very  good,  very  good,"  and  then  we  pass 
on  to  No.  GO,  which  is  entitled  "  Dreams,"  by  Previs  de 
Chavannes. 

In  this  picture  a  weary  man,  who  has  worn  himself 
out  sleeping  in  haystacks  and  trying  to  solve  the  labor 
problem,  so  that  the  great  curse  of  industry  may  be 
wiped  out  and  the  wealthy  man  made  to  pay  the  taxes 
while  the  poor  man  assists  in  sharing  the  burden  of 
dividends,  is  lying  on  the  ground  with  a  pleasant  smile 
on  his  face.  He  is  asleep,  with  his  mouth  slightly  ajar, 
4 


50  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

showing  how  his  teeth  are  fastened  in  their  places.  He 
is  smiling  in  his  slumber,  and  there  is  hay  in  his  whisk- 
ers. Three  decalcomanie  angels  are  seen  fastened  to 
the  sky  in  the  form  of  a  tableau.  One  is  scattering 
cookies  in  his  pathway,  while  the  second  has  a  laurel 
wreath  which  is  offered  at  a  great  reduction,  as  the 
owner  is  about  to  leave  the  city  for  the  summer.  These 
are  the  new  style  of  wingless  angels  recently  intro- 
duced into  art  and  now  becoming  very  popular. 

M.  Chavannes  is  also  the  mechanic  who  constructed 
a  picture  numbered  Gl  and  called  the  "  Poor  Fisherman." 
The  history  of  this  little  picture  is  full  of  pathos.  The 
scene  is  laid  in  JSTewark  Bay,  N.  J.  A  poor  fisherman 
and  his  children  go  out  to  spend  the  day,  taking  their 
lunch  with  them. 

"  O  papa,  let  us  take  two  or  three  cucumbers  with 
our  lunch,"  sa3'^s  one  of  the  children,  in  glee. 

"  Very  well,  my  child,"  exclaims  the  father,  with  iil- 
concealed  delight.  "  Go  down  to  the  market  and  get 
one  for  each  of  us." 

The  artist  has  chosen  to  make  his  study  of  the  fisher- 
man a  short  time  after  lunch.  The  father  is  engaged 
in  regretting  something  which  it  is  now  too  late  to  re- 
call. Cholera  infantum  has  overtaken  the  younger 
child  and  the  other  is  gathering  lobelia  for  her  father. 
The  picture  is  wonderful  in  its  conception  ana  execu- 
tion. One  can  see  that  he  is  a  poor  fisherman,  for  he 
has  not  caught  any  fish,  and  the  great  agony  he  feels 
is  depicted  in  his  face  and  the  altitude  of  his  hair.  The 
picture  might  have  been  called  a  battle  piece  or  a 
French  interior,  with  equal  propriety. 

Manet  has  several  bright  and  cheery  bits  of  color, 


OLD  AND   NEW.  51 

among  them  N"©.  147,  "Spring  at  Giverny,"  which 
might  be  called  Fourth  of  July  in  a  Roman  candle 
factory  without  misleading  the  thoughtful  art-student. 

No.  15(3,  "  Meadows  at  Giverny,"  by  the  same  man, 
is  a  study  in  connecting  the  foreground  and  back- 
ground of  an  oil  painting  by  means  of  purple  hay  and 
dark-blue  bunches  of  boneset  in  such  a  way  as  to 
deceive  the  eye, 

I  have  alwaj'^s  bitterly  regretted  that  wliile  I  was 
abroad  I  did  not  go  to  Giverny  and  see  the  purple  hay 
and  navy-blue  tansy  and  water-cress  which  grow  there 
in  such  great  abundance.  How  often  we  go  hurrying 
through  a  country,  seeing  the  old  and  well-worn 
features  shown  us  by  the  professional  guides  and 
tourists,  forgetting  or  overlooking  more  important 
matters,  like  a  scene  in  France,  No.  142,  entitled 
"  Women  Bathing. "  I  presume  I  was  within  three- 
quarters  of  a  mile  of  this  view  and  yet  came  home 
without  knowing  anything  about  it. 

No.  123,  "Diana  Surprised,"  is  no  doubt  the  best 
picture  in  the  whole  collection.  The  tall  and  beautiful 
figure  of  Diana  in  the  middle  distance  in  the  act  of 
being  surprised,  is  well  calculated  to  appeal  to  any  one 
with  a  tender  heart  or  a  few  extra  clothes.  Diana  has 
just  been  in  swimming  with  her  entire  corps  de  hal- 
let,  and  on  coming  out  of  the  water  is  surprised  to 
find  that  someone  has  stolen  her  clothes.  The  artist 
has  very  happily  caught  the  attitude  and  expression  at 
the  moment  when  she  is  about  to  offer  a  reward 
for  them.  The  picture  is  so  true  to  life  that  I  instinct- 
ively stammered  "Excuse  me,"  and  got  behind  the 
artist  who  was  with  me.     The  figures  are  life  size  and 


52  BILL  nye's  chestnuts. 

the  attitudes  are  easy  and  graceful  in  the  extreme. 
One  very  beautiful  young  woman  in  the  middle  fore- 
ground, about  seven  and  one-half  inches  north  of  the 
frame  of  tlie  picture,  with  her  back  to  the  spectator, 
crouches  at  Diana's  feet.  Slie  has  done  her  beautiful 
and  abundant  hair  up  in  a  graceful  coil  at  the  back  of 
her  head,  but  has  gone  no  further  with  her  toilet 
when  the  surprise  takes  place.  The  idea  is  lofty  and  the 
treatment  beneficial.  I  do  not  know  that  I  am  using 
these  terms  as  I  should,  but  I  am  doing  the  best  I  can. 

We  often  hear  our  friends  regret  that  their  portraits, 
dressed  in  clothing  that  has  long  since  become  obsolete, 
are  still  in  existence,  and  though  the  features  are  cor- 
rectly reproduced,  the  costume  is  now  so  ridiculous  as 
to  impair  the  de  ti'op  of  the  picture  and  mar  its  aplomh. 

Jules  Lefebvre  has  overcome  this  great  obstacle  in  a 
marvelous  manner,  and  gives  us  Diana  and  her  entire 
staff  surrounded  by  an  atmosphere  that  time  cannot 
cloud  with  contumely  or  obscure  Avith  ridicule.  Had 
the  artist  seen  fit  to  paint  Diana  wearing  a  Garibaldi 
waist  and  very  full  skirt  with  large  lioops,  and  her 
hair  wrapped  aroimd  two  or  three  large  "rats,"  he 
might  have  been  true  to  the  customs  and  costumes  of 
a  certain  period  in  the  history  of  art,  but  it  would  not 
have  stood  the  test  of  time.  As  it  is  he  has  wisely 
chosen  to  throw  about  her  a  certain  air  of  hauteur 
which  will  look  just  as  well  in  a  hundred  years  as  it 
does  now. 

The  picture  has  a  massive  frame  and  would  brighten 
up  one  end  of  a  dining-room  very  much.  I  was  deeplj!" 
mortified  and  disappointed  to  learn  that  it  was  not  for 
sale.    Acteon  is  the  party  who  surprised  Diana. 


CHESTNUT-BUEK.     VI. 


BILL   NYE  DIAGNOSTICATES     THE    PLAINT    OF    A 
COUNTRY  COUSIN. 


IVice  Points   of  Seasonable   Etiquette — City  Relatives 
Whose  Friendshij)  Gr'ows   Warni  with  the  Summer, 
but  Who  Regard  a  Chalk  Meerschaum  Pijjeat  Christ- 
mas as  an  Offset  for  a  Season's  Board. 
I  hold  that  I  violate  no  particular  amount  of  confi- 

rf  ence  when  I  lay  the  following  private  letter  before  the 

i  eated  public : 

Shirley-on-the-Fiscataquis  River,      ) 
State  of  Maine,  June  20,  1887.  f 
Mr.  William  Nije,  World  Offce,  New  York. 

Sir  :  I  have  been  a  reader  of  The  World  for  some 
time  and  have  frequently  noticed  the  alacrity  with 
Ti'^hich  you  have  come  forward  and  explained  things 
through  its  columns.  You  must  be  indeed  a  kind- 
hearted  man,  or  you  would  not  try  to  throw  light  on 
things  just  to  oblige  other  people,  when  you  do  not, 
as  a  matter  of  fact,  know  what  you  are  talking  about. 
Few  men  would  so  far  forget  their  own  comfort  as  to 
do  this  in  order  to  please  others.  Most  men  are  selfish 
and  hang  back  when  asked  a  difficult  question,  prefer- 
ring to  wait  till  they  know  how  to  answer  it ;  but  you, 
sir,  you  seem  to  be  so  free  always  to  come  forward  and 
explain  things,  and  yet  are  so  buoyant  and  hopeful 
that  you  will  escape  the  authorities,  that  I  have  ven- 
\  ured  to  write  you  in  regard  to  a  matter  that  I  feel 

55 


56  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

somewhat  of  an  interest  in.  It  is  now  getting  along 
into  the  shank  of  the  summer  and  people  from  the 
great  cities  of  our  land  are  beginning  to  care  less 
and  less  for  the  allurements  of  sewer  gas,  and  to  sigh 
for  a  home  in  the  country  and  to  hanker  for  the  "  spare 
room"  in  a  quiet  neighborhood  at  $2  a  week  with  board. 

1  have  seen  a  great  many  rules  of  etiquette  for  the 
guidance  of  country  people  who  go  to  the  city,  but  I 
have  never  run  up  against  a  large,  blue-book  telling 
city  people  how  to  conduct  themselv^es  as  to  avoid  ad- 
verse criticism  while  in  the  country.  Every  little  while 
some  person  writes  a  piece  regarding  the  queer  pranks  of 
a  countryman  in  town  and  acts  it  out  on  the  stage  and 
makes  a  whole  pile  of  money  on  it,  but  we  do  not  seem 
to  get  the  other  side  of  this  matter  at  all.  What  I  de- 
sire is  that  you  wiJ  give  us  a  few  hints  in  regard  to  the 
conduct  of  city  people  who  visit  in  the  rural  districts 
during  the  heated  term.  I  am  not  a  professional  summer- 
resort  tender  or  anything  of  that  kind,  but  lam  a  plain 
man,  that  works  and  slaves  in  the  lumber  woods  all 
winter  and  then  blows  it  in,  if  you  will  allow  the 
term,  on  some  New  York  friends  of  my  wife's  who 
come  down,  as  they  state,  for  the  purpose  of  relaxa- 
tion, but  really  to  spread  themselves  out  over  our  new 
white  coverlids  with  their  clothes  on,  and  murmur  in 
a  dreamy  voice :  "  Oh,  how  restful !" 

They  also  kick  because  we  have  no  elevated  trains 
that  will  take  them  down  to  the  depot,  whereas  I  am 
not  able  and  cannot  get  enough  ahead  or  forehanded 
sufficiently  to  do  so,  as  heaven  is  my  judge. 

They  bring  Vvith  them  a  small  son,  who  is  a  pale, 
emaciated  little  cuss,  with  a  quiet  way  of  catching  my 


OLD   AND   NEW.  67 

I  Jiree-y ear-old  heifer  by  the  tail  and  scaring  the  life  out 
of  her  that  is  far  beyond  his  years.  His  mother  thinks 
he  will  not  live,  mayhap,  to  grow  up,  and  I  hope  she 
may  not  be  disappointed.  Still  he  has  a  good  appetite, 
and  one  day  last  summer,  besides  his  meals,  he  ate  : 

One  pocketful  green  apples  (pippins), 

One  pocketful  green  apples  (Ben  Davis), 

Three  large  stems  rhubarb, 

One  hatful  green  gooseberries, 

Two  ginger  cookies,  without  holes. 

Three  ginger  cookies,  with  holes, 

One  adult  cucumber,  with  salt  on  same. 

One  glass  new  milk, 

Two  uncooked  hen  eggs,  on  half-shell. 

I  laid  off  all  that  day  from  haying  in  order  to  follow 
the  little  rascal  around  with  a  lead  pencil  and  a  piece 
of  paper  and  see  how  much  he  would  eat.  That  even- 
ing I  thought  what  a  beautiful  night  he  had  selected 
for  his  death.  The  moon  was  slipping  in  and  out  through 
the  frothy,  fleece-lined  clouds,  and  I  could  imagine  the 
angels  just  behind  the  battlements  putting  the  celestial 
bric-a-brac  high  enough  up  so  that  Henry  couldn't  get 
liold  of  it  when  he  came.  I  had  a  slow  horse  con- 
(jealed  behind  the  barn,  with  which  I  intended  going 
for  the  doctor.  It  was  a  horse  with  which  I  had  failed 
to  get  the  doctor  in  time  on  a  similar  occasion,  and  I 
felt  that  he  could  be  relied  on  noAV. 

Night  settled  down  on  the  riproaring  Piscataquis  and 
deepened  the  shadows  at  the  base  of  Kussell  Mountain. 
The  spruce  gum  tree  of  the  Moosehead  Lake  region 
laid  aside  its  work  for   the    day    and   the  common 


58  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

warty  toad  of  the  Pine  Tree  State  began  to  overesti- 
mate himself  and  inflate  his  person  with  the  bugs  of 
the  evening,  now  and  then  hghting  up  his  interior 
with  a  lightning  bug.  It  was  a  glorious  evening  that 
little  Henry  had  selected  and  set  aside  for  his  death. 
But  he  was  really  the  only  one  in  our  house  who  slept 
well  that  night,  and  seemed  to  wake  up  thoroughly  re- 
freshed. He  is  still  alive  as  I  write  and  is  coming 
down  here  in  July  emptier  than  ever. 

Oh,  sir,  can  you  help  me?  Will  you  print  this  poor 
petition  of  mine,  with  the  tear-stains  on  it,  and  your 
reply  to  it  in  The  World  and  send  me  a  copy  of  the 
paper  that  I  can  show  to  Henry's  father,  who  is  a 
cousin  of  my  wife's  but  otherwise  has  nothing  to  which 
he  can  point  with  pride?    Yours  sincerely, 

Eben  L.  Tewey. 

P.  S. — I  have  presumed  some  on  your  good  nature, 
because  1  have  been  told  that  you  was  born  here.  I  am 
sorry  to  say  that  Shirley  has  never  overcome  this  en- 
tirely. It  has  hurt  her  with  other  toAvns  in  the  State, 
but  you  can  see  yourself  that  there  was  no  way  we 
could  provide  against  it.  My  wife  sends  love,  and 
hopes  you  will  print  this  letter  without  giving  my  name, 
or  if  so,  with  a  flctitious  name,  as  they  call  it,  and  per- 
haps it  will  fall  into  the  hands  of  those  people  who 
come  down  here  every  summer  with  nothing  in  them 
but  sincere  friendship  and  go  home  full  of  victuals.  I 
wish  3"ou  Avould  put  into  it  some  way  a  piece  that  says 
1  do  not  regard  a  Christmas  present  of  a  chalk  meer- 
shum  pi})e,  with  a  red  celluloid  stem,  as  an  offset 
against  a  summer's  board  of  a  family  that-  has  more 
malaria  than  good  manners.     Slap  that  in,  in  your 


I?SS 


OLD   AND   NEW.  61 

genial  way,  so  as  not  to  give  offense,  and  whenever  you 
visit  your  old  birthplace,  and  want  to  just  let  go  all 
holts  and  have  a  good  time,  come  right  to  our  house. 
I  have  lathed  and  plastered  the  cook-room  and  fitted  it 
up  as  a  kind  of  Inebriates'  Home,  and  I  would  feel 
tickled  to  death  to  have  you  come  and  see  w^hat  you 
think  of  it.  E.  L.  T. 

P.  S.  Again.  If  you  print  this  letter,  Slocum  would 
be  a  good  fictitious  name  to  sign  to  it^  and  I  would 
want  an  extra  copy  of  the  paper  also.  T. 

KEPLY. 

Sir  :  Will  you  allow  me  to  say  that  I  think  it  is  such 
letters  as  the  above  that  create  ill-feeling  between  the 
people  of  the  country  and  the  people  of  the  city,  and 
cause  the  relations  to  be  strained,  especially  those  rela- 
tions that  live  in  the  countr}^  Although  you  are  not 
altogether  in  the  wrong,  Eben,  and  although  country 
people,  who  live  near  to  nature's  heart,  have  certain 
inalienable  rights  which  should  be  respected,  yet  there 
is  no  work  on  etiquette  which  covers  the  case  you 
allude  to. 

It  would  be  very  difficult  for  me  to  write  out  a  code 
of  ethics  for  the  government  of  your  relative  while  in 
the  country,  and  from  the  description  you  give  of  him 
I  judge  that  we  could  not  enforce  it  anyway  without 
calling  out  the  State  troops. 

I  take  him  to  belong  to  that  class  of  ISTew  York  busi- 
ness men  who  are  so  active  doing  nothing  every  day, 
that  in  order  to  impress  people  with  their  importance, 
they  are  in  the  habit  of  pushing  a  woman  or  two  off 
the  Brooklyn  bridge  in  their  wild  struggle  to  get  over 
into  the  City  Hall  park  and  sit  down.     I  presume  that 


62  BILL    NYE^S    CHESTNUTS 

he  is  that  kind  of  a  man  here,  and  so  we  think  you 
ought  to  get  along  \,'ith  him  through  July  and  August 
if  we  take  him  for  the  rest  of  the  year. 

He  is  the  kind  that  would  knock  down  an  old  woman 
in  the  morning,  in  his  efforts  to  get  the  first  possible 
elevated  train,  and  then  do  nothing  else  all  day 
but  try  to  recover  from  the  shock.  I  wouldn't  be 
surprised  if  he  ultimately  wrote  a  book  on  etiquette, 
wdiich  will  inform  a  countryman  how  to  conduct  him- 
self while  he  is  in  town.     Maybe  he  is  writing  it  now. 

I  can  imagine,  Eben,  what  sad  havoc  the  son  of  such 
a  man  would  create  in  your  quiet  Piscataquis  home. 
In  my  mind's  eye  I  can  see  him  trying  to  carry  out  his 
father's  lofty  notions  of  refinement  and  courtesy.  I 
can  see  his  bright  smile  as  he  lands  at  your  door  and 
beo'ins  to  insert  himself  into  vour  home  life,  to  breathe 
resinous  air  of  the  piney  woods,  and  to  pour  kerosene 
into  the  sugar  bowl,  to  chase  the  gaudy  decalcomanie 
butterfly,  and  put  angle  worms  in  the  churn. 

In  this  man's  book  on  etiquette  he  will,  doubtless, 
say  that  should  you  have  occasion  while  at  table  to  use 
a  toothpick,  you  should  hold  a  napkin  before  your  mouth 
while  doing  so,  in  order  to  avoid  giving  off'ense  to  those 
who  are  at  table.  It  is  not  necessary  for  you  to 
crawl  under  the  table  to  pick  your  teeth,  or  to  go  out 
behind  the  barn,  for  by  throwing  a  large  napkin  over 
your  head  you  can  pick  your  teeth  with  impunity, 
though  vou  should  not  use  a  fork,  as  it  does  not  look 
well  and  it  might  put  out  your  eye, 

Kothing  is  more  disgusting  to  a  refined  mind  than  to 
see  a  man  at  table  holding  one  of  his  eyes  on  a  fork 
and  scrutinizing  it  with  the  other. 


OLD    AND    NEW.  63 

In  calling  on  a  lacly  who  is  away  from  home  leave 
your  card.  If  the  visit  is  intended  for  two  or  three  la- 
dies at  the  house,  leave  two  or  three  cards,  but  do  not 
turn  down  the  corner  of  the  card  as  that  custom  is  now 
exploded  except  in  three  card  monte  circles  and  even 
then  it  is  regarded  with  suspicion. 

All  these  things,  however,  are  for  the  guidance  of 
people  who  come  to  town,  and  those  who  go  into  the 
country  are  left  practically  without  any  suitable  book 
to  guide  them. 

I  do  not  know  of  any  better  way  for  you  to  do, 
Eben,  than  to  write  a  polite  note  to  your  relatives  ask- 
ing them  if  they  contemplate  pa3nng  you  a  visit  this 
summer,  and  if  so  at  what  time,  and  whether  they  will 
bring  Henry  or  not.  Use  plain  white  unruled  note  pa- 
per and  write  only  on  one  side,  unless  you  are  a  Mug- 
wump in  which  case  you  might  write  on  both  sides. 

Then  if  tliey  write  that  they  do  so  contemplate  pay- 
ing 3'ou  a  visit  without  paying  anything  else,  I  do  not 
know  of  anything  for  you  to  do  but  to  go  away  some- 
where for  the  summer,  leaving  your  house  fully  insured 
and  in  the  hands  of  a  reliable  incendiary. 

Write  again,  Eben,  and  feel  perfectly  free  to  come 
and  lean  on  me  in  all  matters  of  etiquette.  Do  not 
come  to  town  without  hunting  me  up.  You  will  find 
me  at  the  Post-Office  forenoons  and  in  the  pest-house 
during  the  afternoon.     Yours,  with  kind  regards. 


MEN  ARE  OFTEN  MISUNDERSTOOD. 
They  may  be  rough  on  the  exterior  but  they  can  love 
Oh,  so  earnestly,  so   warmly,  so   truly,  so  deeply,  so 
intensely,  so  yearningly,  so  fondly,  and  so  universally ! 


CHESTNTT-BUER.    VII. 


BILL  NYE  IN  THE  ROLE  OF  AN  UTE  INDIAN  JENKINS. 


Personal  Gossip  Designed  to  Interest  the  Indian  Society 
People  —  ReniarTiahle  Toilets  Seen   on  the   Reserva- 
tion —  A  Novel  Aboriginal  Dinner  Menu  —  Points 
for  Society  Reporter's  —  Eager  to  Make  Their  Mark. 
The  following  Ute  society  gossip  is  full  of  interest 
to  those  who  have  personal  acquaintances  and  friendg. 
among  that  set.     I  have  only  just  received  them,  and. 
hasten  to  give  them  as  early  as  possible,  knowing  tha'f 
the  readers  of  The  World  will  all  feel  an  interest  in 
what  is  going  on  in  and  about  the  reservation : 

The  season  at  White  River  will  be  unusually  gay 
this  winter,  and  soon  there  will  be  one  continuous  round 
of  hilarity,  indigestion,  mirth,  colic  and  social  hatred , 
Red  Horse,  the  smoke-tanned  horse-fiddle  maestro, 
will  play  and  call  off  again  this  winter  for  germans, 
grub  dances  and  jack-rabbit  gorges  as  usual. 

The  Ouray  War  Club  will  give  a  series  of  hops  in 
November  under  its  own  auspices,  and  in  December  it 
will  hold  two  Germans.  In  going  through  these  Ger- 
mans no  favors  will  be  shown  by  the  club. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Mexican-IIairless-Dog-upon-whom- 
there-are-no-Flies  have  been  spending  the  summer  at 
their  delightful  hostile  home  near  White  River.  They 
have  just  returned  for  the  winter,  beautifully  bronzed 
by  the  elements,  and  report  one  of  the  most  exhilarat- 
ing outbreaks  they  ever  were  to. 

64 


OLD   AND   NEW.  65 

Lop-Ear-Son-of-the-Cy clone  received  a  cablegram  last 
week,  on  his  return  from  the  war-path,  offering  him  a 
princely  salary  to  come  to  London,  and  assist  in  rob- 
bing the  Dead  wood  coach.  He  says  the  legitimate 
drama  is  certainly  making  wonderful  strides.  He  has 
heard  the  American  Opera  Company  in  "  Nero,"  and 
says  that  nc  one  who  has  lived  on  the  reservation  all 
his  life  can  have  any  idea  of  the  strides  that  are  being 
made  on  the  stage.  He  has  not  decided  whether  to 
accept  the  offer  or  not,  but  says  that  if  the  stage  they 
are  going  to  rob  is  the  operatic  stage  he  will  not  assist 
at  any  price.  He  says  he  knows  what  it  is  to  suffer  for 
clothes  himself. 

The  members  of  the  Chipeta  Canoeing  Club  have 
just  returned  from  a  summer  jaunt,  and  are  in  good 
spirits.  They  report  that  a  good  time  Avas  had  and 
health  greatly  improved.  The  club  will  give  a  sociable 
and  gastric  recital  at  its  grounds  next  week.  The  pro- 
ceeds will  go  toward  beautifying  the  grounds  of  the 
club  and  promoting  a  general  good  feeling.  Each 
member  is  permitted  to  bring  one  cash  friend. 

Tall-Man-Who-Toys  with-the-Thunderbolts  will  start 
to-morrow  for  the  home  of  the  Great  White  Father,  at 
Washington.  He  goes  to  make  a  treaty  or  two  and  be 
awed  by  the  surplus  in  the  treasury.  He  will  make  as 
many  treaties  as  possible,  after  which  he  will  invite  the 
Great  White  Father  to  visit  our  young  and  growing 
reservation,  enjoy  our  crude  hospitality  and  cultivate 
the  Ute  vote. 

A  select  scalp-dance  and  rum  sociable  will  take  place 
at  the  foot  of  the  gulch,  at  the  middle  of  the  present 
moon,  after  which  there  will  be  a  presentation  speech 

5 


QQ  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

and  resolutions  of  respect  tendered  to  the  Board  of 
Outbreaks  and  the  Sub-Committee  on  Hostility. 

The  following  will  be  the  7nemi : 

jReservation  soup,  strengthened  with  rain-water ; 
condemned  sardines,  codfish  balls,  fish  plates,  railroad 
frogs'  legs,  sage  hen  a  la  Colorow,  jerked  jack-rabbits, 
roasting  ears  a  la  massacre,  hot-house  clams,  rrvttle- 
snakes'  tongues  a  la  fire-water,  prickly  pears,  fruit  of 
the  loom,  dried  apples  and  whisky.  Dancing  will  be 
kept  up  till  a  late  hour. 

The  approachmg  nuptials  of  Fly-by-Night,  a  partial 
widower  of  Snippeta,  daughter  of  Wipe-Up-the-Ground- 
with-His-Enemies,  will  be  the  occasion  of  quite  a.  tout 
ensenible  and  blow-out.  lie  will  marry  the  surviving 
members  of  the  family  of  Wampo-the-Wailer-that- 
Wakes-Up-in-the-Night.  He  will  on  this  occasion  lead 
to  the  altar  Mrs.  Wampo-the- Waller,  etc.,  her  two  daugh- 
ters and  the  hired  girl.  The  wedding  will  take  place 
at  the  residence  of  the  bride.  Invitations  are  already 
out  and  parties  who  have  not  yet  received  any,  but  who 
would  like  to  be  present  and  swap  a  tin  napkin  ring  for 
a  square  meal,  will  be  invited  if  they  will  leave  their 
address  with  the  groom. 

Crash-of-the-Tempest,  a  prominent  man  of  the  tribe, 
laid  a  large  tumor  on  our  table  last  week,  weighing  four 
pounds,  from  which  he  was  removed  on  "Wednesday. 
So  far,  this  is  the  largest  tumor  that  has  been  brought 
in  this  summer  to  apply  on  subscription.  Call  again, 
Crash. 

Soiled  Charley  and  Peek-a-Boo,  delegates  of  the  Ute 
nation  sent  to  the  Great  White  Father  at  Washington, 
returned  yesterday  from  Red   Top,  the  great  tepee  of 


OLD   AND   NEW.  69 

the  Pale  Chief.  They  made  a  great  many  treaties  and 
both  are  utterly  exhausted.  Peek-a-Boo  is  confined  to 
his  wigwivm  by  the  hallucination  that  the  air  is  full  of 
bright  red  bumble  bees  with  blue  tails.  He  says  that 
he  does  not  mind  the  hostility  of  the  white  man,  but  it 
is  his  hospitality  that  makes  him  tired. 

A  full-dress  reception  and  consomme  was  tendered  to 
the  friends  of  labor  at  the  home  of  Past  Worth}^  Chief 
Fiy-up-the-Creek,  of  White  River,  l>y  his  own  neighbors 
and  Uncompaghre  admirers  on  Tuesday  evening.  At 
an  early  hour  guests  began  to  arrive  and  crawl  under 
the  tent  into  the  reception-room. 

A  fine  band,  consisting  of  a  man  who  had  deserted 
from  the  regular  military  band,  played  Boulanger's 
March  on  the  bass  drum  with  deep  feeling. 

The  widow  of  Wampo-the-Wailer  and  affianced  of 
old  Fly-by-jVight,  Avoreadark  coiffure,  held  in  place  by 
the  wish-bone  of  a  sage  hen,  and  looked  first  rate. 

Miss  Wampo,  the  elder,  wore  a  neglige  costume,  con- 
sisting of  a  red  California  blanket,  caught  back  with 
real  burdock  burrs  and  held  in  place  by  means  of  a 
hame  strap. 

The  younger  Miss  Wampo  wore  a  Smyrna  rug,  with 
bunch  grass  at  the  throat. 

Mrs.  D.  W.  Peek-a-Boo  wore  a  cavalry  saddle  blanket, 
with  Turkish  overalls  and  bone  ornaments. 

Miss  Peek-a-Boo  wore  a  ^iY?L\\-co\oYe(\  jardiniere,  cut 
Y-shape,  looped  back  with  a  russet  shawl  strap 
and  trimmed  with  rick-rack  around  the  arm-holes. 
Her  e3'es  danced  with  merriment,  and  she  danced  with 
most  anybody  in  the  wigwam. 

Little  Casino,  the  daughter  of  Fly-Up-the-Creek,  of 


10  BILL   NYe's   chestnuts 

tha  CJncompaghres,  wore  the  gable  end  of  an  "A"  tent, 
trimmed  with  red  flannel  rosettes.  It  had  veneered 
panels,  and  the  new  and  extremely  swell  sleeves,  blown 
up  above  the  elbow  and  tight  the  rest  of  the  way,  in 
which,  as  she  said  in  her  naive  way,  they  resembled  her 
father,  who  was  tight  half  of  the  time  and  blown  up 
the  rest  of  the  time.  Little  Casino  was  the  life  of  the 
party,  and  it  would  be  hard  to  opine  of  anything  more 
charming  than  her  bright  and  cheery  way  of  telling  a 
funny  story,  which  convulsed  her  audience,  while  she 
quietly  completed  a  fractional  flush  and  took  home  the 
long-delayed  jack  pot  to  her  needy  father.  She  is  an 
intellectual  exotic  of  which  the  Uncompaghres  may 
well  be  proud,  and  is  also  one  of  those  rare  productions 
of  nature  never  at  a  loss  for  something  to  write  in  an 
autograph  album.  In  the  album  of  a  young  warrior  of 
the  Third  Ute  Infantry  she  has  written  :  "  In  friend- 
ship's great  fruitage,  please  regard  me  as  your  huckle- 
berry, Little  Casino." 

Our  genial  townsman,  William  H.  Colorow,  is  home 
again  after  a  prolonged  hunting  and  camping  trip, 
during  which  he  was  attacked  and  cordially  shot  at  by 
a  group  of  gentlemen  who  came  to  serve  a  writ  of 
replevin  on  him.  Col.  Colorow  does  not  know  exactly 
what  the  writ  of  replevin  is  for,  unless  it  be  for  the 
purpose  of  accumulating  mileage  for  the  sheriff. 
Few  were  killed  during  the  engagement,  except  a 
small  pappoose  belonging  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Roll-on- 
Silver-Moon,  who  returned  last  evening  with  the  remains 
of  their  child.  A  late  copy  of  a  N"ew  York  paper 
alludes  to  this  as  "a  furious  engagement,  after  which 
the  Indians  carried  off  their  dead  according  to  their 


OLD   AND   NEW.  Tl 

custom."  Mr,  and  Mrs.  RoU-on-Silver-Moon  were 
warned  against  taking  the  baby  with  them  on  an 
extended  camping  trip,  but  they  seemed  to  think  that 
it  would  be  perfectly  safe,  as  the  child  was  only  seven 
weeks  old,  and  could  not  have  incurred  the  hostility  of 
the  War  Department.  This  was  not  improbable  at  all, 
for,  according  to  the  records,  it  takes  from  nine  to 
eleven  weeks  to  officially  irritate  the  War  Department. 
The  little  one  now  lies  at  the  wigwam  of  its  afflicted 
parents,  on  Cavyo  street,  and  certainly  does  not  look 
as  though  it  could  have  stood  out  so  long  against  the 
sheriff  and  his  posse. 

Mrs.  Roll-on-Silver-Moon  has  a  painful  bullet  wound 
in  the  shoulder,  but  feels  so  grieved  about  the  loss  of 
little  Cholera  Infantum  that  she  does  not  make  much 
fuss  over  her  injury.  The  funeral  of  the  little  one  will 
take  place  this  evening,  h-im\  its  late  residence,  and 
friends  of  the  parents  are  cordially  invited  to  come  and 
participate.     Wailing  will  begin  promptly  at  sundown. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  ,P.  P.O.  Shinny-on-Your-Own-Ground 
are  just  back  from  a  summer  jaunt  in  the  Little  Big 
Horn  Mountains,  whither  they  went  in  search  of  health. 
They  returned  laden  with  golden  rod  and  a  large  catch 
of  landlocked  grasshoppers.  As  soon  as  they  get 
thoroughly"  rested  they  will  announce  a  select  locust, 
grasshopper  and  cricket  feed  at  their  home,  during 
which  a  celebrated  band  from  the  Staten  Island  ferry 
will  oblige  with  a  new  selection,  known  as  "  The  Cricket 
on  the  Hearth." 

Major  Santee,  who  is  now  at  home  repairing  thereof 
of  his  gothic  tepee,  which  was  so  damaged  by  the 
recent  storms  that  it  allowed  hail,  rain  and  horned 


72  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

cattle  to  penetrate  his  apartments  at  all  times  of  the  day 
or  night,  says  that  in  tiie  late  great  Ute  war  everybody 
wanted  to  fight  except  the  Indians  and  the  "War  Depart- 
ment. He  believes  that  no  Indian  outbreak  can  be  re- 
garded as  a  success  without  the  hearty  co-operation  anil 
godspeed  of  the  government,  and  a  quorum  of  Indians 
who  are  willing  to  break  out  into  open  hostility.  Major 
Santee  lost  a  niece  during  the  recent  encounter.  She 
was  not  hostile  to  any  one,  but  was  respected  by  all, 
and  will  now  cast  a  gloom.  She  had  no  hard  feelings 
toward  the  sheriff  or  any  one  of  his  posse,  and  had 
never  met  them  before.  She  was  very  plain  in  appear- 
ance, and  this  was  her  first  engagement.  The  sheriff 
now  claims  that  he  thought  she  was  reaching  for  her 
gun,  whereas  it  appears  that  she  was  making  a  wild 
gi'ab  for  her  Indian  trail. 

Major  Santee  says  that  he  hopes  it  will  be  many  a 
long  day  before  the  sheriff  organizes  another  Ute  out- 
break and  compels  the  Utes  to  come  and  bring  their 
families.  He  saj's  that  human  life  here  is  now  so  cheap 
e.s|)ecially  the  red  style  of  human  life,  that  sometimes 
he  is  almost  tempted  to  steal  two  hundred  thousand 
dollars  and  go  to  New  York,  where  he  will  be  safe. 


SURE  CURE  FOR  BILIOUSNESS, 

Wlienever  I  get  bilious  and  need  exercise,  I  go  over 
to  the  south  end  of  town  and  vicariously  hoe  radishes 
for  an  hour  or  two  till  the  pores  are  open,  and  I  feel 
that  delightful  languor  and  the  chastened  sense  of 
hunger  and  honesty  which  comes  to  the  man  wbo  is 
not  afraid  to  loii 


CHESTNUT-BUKR.  VIII. 


IN  AN  UNGUARDED  MOMENT  BILL  NYE  IS  CAPTURED 
BY  A  POLITICAL  SIREN. 


Decoyed  hy  Honeyed  Words  He  Essays  to  Purify  Pol- 
itics— The  Inevitiible  Delegation  from  Irving  Hall  — 
An  Unreserved  Statement  of  Campaign,  lixpenses  — 
Some  Items  of  a  Momentous  Canvass  Disclosed. 
I  have  only  just  returned  from  the  new-made  grave 
of  a  little  boomlet  of  my  own.     Yesterday  I  dug  a  lit- 
tle hole  in  the  back  yard  and  buried  in  it   ray  little 
boom,  where  the  pie-plant  will  cast  its  cooling  shadows 
()ver  it  and  the  pinch-bug  can  come  and  carol  above  it 
at  eventide. 

A  few  weeks  ago  a  plain  man  came  to  me  and  asked 
me  my  name.  Refreshing  my  memory  by  looking  at 
the  mark  on  my  linen,  I  told  him  promptly  who  I  was. 
He  said  he  had  resided  in  New  York  for  a  long  time 
and  felt  the  hour  had  now  arrived  for  politics  in  this 
city  to  be  purified.  Would  I  assist  him  in  this  great 
work?  If  so,  would  1  appoint  a  trysting  place  where 
we  could  meet  and  tryst  ?  I  suggested  the  hoi}'  hush 
and  quiet  of  lower  Broadway  or  the  New  York  end  of 
the  East  River  bridge  at  6  o'clock  ;  but  he  said  no,  we 
might  be  discovered.  So  we  agreed  to  meet  at  my 
house.  There  he  told  me  that  his  idea  was  to  run  me 
for  the  State  Senate  this  fall,  not  because  he  had  any 
political  SLxe  to  grind,  but  because  he  wanted  to  see  old 


74  BILL   NYe's   chestnuts 

methods  wiped  out  and  the  will  of  the  people  find  true 
and  unfettered  expression. 

"  And,  sir/'  I  asked,  "  what  party  do  you  represent? " 

"  I  represent  those  who  wish  for  purity,  those  who 
sigh  for  the  results  of  unbought  suffrages,  those  who 
despise  old  methods  and  yearn  to  hear  the  unsmothered 
voice  of  the  people." 

"  Then  you  are  Mr.  Yox  Populi  himself,  perhaps  ?"  ^ 

"N'o,  my  name  is  Kargill,  and  I  am  in  dead  earnest. 
I  represent  the  party  of  purity  in  New  York." 

"And  why  did  you  not  bring  the  party  with  you? 
Then  you  and  I  and  my  wife  and  this  party  you  speak 
of  could  have  had  a  game  of  whist  together,"  said  I 
v/ith  an  air  of  inimitable  drollery. 

But  he  seemed  to  be  shocked  by  my  trifling  manner, 
and  again  asked  me  to  be  his  standard-bearer.  Finally 
I  said  reluctantly  that  I  would  do  so,  for  I  have  always 
said  that  I  would  never  shrink  from  my  duty  in  case  I 
should  become  the  victim  of  political  preferment. 

In  Wyoming  I  had  several  times  accepted  the  port- 
folio of  justice  of  the  peace,  and  so  I  knew  what  it  was 
to  be  called  forth  by  the  wild  and  clamorous  appeals 
of  my  constituents  and  asked  to  stand  up  for  principle, 
to  buckle  on  the  armor  of  true  patriotism  and  with 
drawn  sword  and  overdrawn  salary  to  battle  for  the 
right. 

In  running  for  office  in  Wyoming  our  greatest  expense 
and  annoyance  arose  from  the  immense  distances  we 
had  to  travel  in  order  to  go  over  one  county.  Many 
a  day  I  have  traveled  during  an  exciting  canvass  from 
daylight  till  dark  without  meeting  a  voter.  But 
here  was  a  Senatorial  district  not  larger  than  a  joint 


OLD   AND   NEW.  75 

school  district,  and  I  thought  that  the  expense  of  making 
a  canvass  would  be  comparatively  small. 

That  was  where  I  made  a  mistake.  On  the  day 
after  Mr.  Lucifer  Kargill  had  entered  my  home  and 
with  honeyed  words  made  me  believe  that  New  York 
had  been,  figuratively  speaking,  sitting  back  on  her 
haunches  for  fifty  years  waiting  for  me  to  come  along 
and  be  a  standard-bearer,  a  man  came  to  my  house  who 
said  he  had  heard  that  I  was  looking  toward  the  Sen- 
ate, and  that  he  had  come  to  see  me  as  the  representa- 
tive of  Irving  Hall.  I  said  that  I  did  not  care  a  conti- 
nental for  Irving  Hall,  so  far  as  my  own  campaign  was 
concerned,  as  I  intended  to  do  all  my  speaking  in  the 
school- houses. 

He  said  that  I  did  not  understand  him.  What  he 
wanted  to  know  was,  what  percentage  of  my  gross 
earnings  at  Albany  would  go  into  the  Irving  Hall 
sinking  fund,  provided  that  organization  indorsed  me  ? 
I  said  that  I  was  gomg  into  this  campaign  to  purify 
politics,  and  that  I  would  do  what  was  right  toward 
Irving  Hall,  in  prder  to  be  placed  in  a  position  where 
I  could  get  in  my  work  as  a  purifier. 

We  then  had  a  long  talk  upon  what  he  called  the 
needs  of  the  hour.  He  said  that  I  would  make  a  good 
candidate,  as  I  had  no  past.  I  was  unknown  and  safe. 
Besides,  he  could  see  that  I  had  the  elements  of  success, 
for  I  had  never  expressed  any  opinion  about  anything, 
and  had  never  antagonized  any  of  the  different  wings 
of  the  party  by  saying  anything  that  people  had  paid 
any  attention  to.  He  said  also  that  he  learned  I  had 
belonged  to  all  the  different  parties,  and  so  would  be 
familiar  with  the  methods  of  each.    He  then  asked  me 


76  MLL  XTE^   CHESTSTTS 

to  sagn  a  pltxlge,  and  aftex  I  had  done  $o  he  shook 
hands  vith  me  and  went  axray. 

The  next  day  1  xras  waited  upon  by  ihe  treasurers  of 
eleven  chowder  clubs,  the  financial  secretary  of  the 
Shunty  SharpshooteTS  and  Croat  HiU  Volunteers.  A 
man  also  came  to  obtain  means  for  burying  a  dead 
friend.  I  afrervrard  saw  him  doing  so  to  some  e:rt«nt. 
He  was  burying  his  friend  beneath  the  solemn  shadow 
oi  a  be^TT  mahc^any-colored  mustache,  of  which  he 
was  the  s  \" ":r. 

I  was  by  delegations  from  Tammany, 

the  County  I>emocracy  and  the  JeffeTSonian  Simplicity 
Club,     r  >       ed  to  hare  dropped  his  own 

busii^oss  -  apon  me. 

I  became  pledged  to  every  one  on  condition  that  I 
shor-Id  b-;    V        :      It  makes  '        '     '  ler  now  to  thitiV 

whiii  I  r.1.-    -..  .  signed.    I  ^ :y  odd  doUaisfor 

the  priTiiege  oi  voting  for  a  beautiful  child,  aad  tfciKS 
lost  all  influence  with  every  othex  parent  in  the  con- 
t^$.  I  votod  for  the  meet  "poi^ular  vouni:  ladv  and 
heard  afterward  that  she  regarded  me  only  as  a  friend. 
I  had  a  bic^raphy  and  poirtrait  oi  myself  print«i  in  an 
otecuT^  paper  that  claimed  a  large  circuiatian,  and  the 

f '•^- :  the  forms  went  into  the  press  a  loose  screw 

r-  :  the  machinery,  caught  on  the  forehead  of 

my  portrait  and  peeied  back  the  scalp  so  that  it  dropped 
over  one  eye  like  a  prayer  mg  hanging  out  of  ti>e  win- 
doir  OI  a  C-onstantinopIe  minaret  durinir  house-cleaning 
time. 

I  had  paid  a  boy  three  dollars  to  scatte'  thf  - 

jAL^m^  the  fieighbars.  but  I  soes  lam  as  lie      :i  :t 


OLD  ASTD  SEW.  ,  , 

tbe  office  and  made  it  five  doDars  if  he  would  pot  intern 
in  tbe  bosom  of  the  moaning  tide. 

I  give  below  a  roiifiih  draft  of  expenses,  not  nwlnrifng 
some  of  the  items  referred  to  above : 

gTATFIJKST  SOW  IS  THE  HAJTDS  OP  XT  AttittSHS. 

Loaned  to  red-noaed  goidaHaa  wko  diaeoveted  Bie  aad  pladed 
vitb  me  to  ran  for  Um  oiBee  ao  tibat  die  peD^  eoold  kxve 
a  pore  ailBiiHWIiaiion , ^86  00 

^aid  rait  of  mam  who  daimed  to  hacwe  infloeiiee,  bat  wiraae 
Tife  is  in  tJie  haMt  <rf  Mdnng  liim  mider  flie  Im^ge  aad 
wtMng  bim  orer  the  head  widi  a  eaipelrftretdier 20  00 

Adraaeed  to  Eatiy  Galoot  Cfaib  fordemonrtiatiiiH  pmpoeea^ 
riz.,  for  panAaae  of  oOO  ttxches;  whiA  demoaHlniioB 
was  a  faihire,  owing  to  raability  at  the  aix  «»*— fcf»<i  of 
dab  to  can7a00tordies  whfledxirak. 290  00 

Paid  to  Recording  Seoetazy  of  Indqiendeiit  Orda  of  Baag- 
gtaiters,  for  porpoee  of  baying  new  tin  pa»^>ly  for  pe- 
lade porpoees 33  00 

Paid  mj  proportion  of  espoiaes  of  contemplated  doswatxa- 
tion.  StipolatedbymeUiatdi^nioBgrshoaldbeaaeuin 
defraying  expoiae  of  toochJE^it  proceaeioa  to  mave^dowa 
Broadway,  bat  it  was  leaDy  osed  to  fit  oata  proeeanoB 
that  awiTriifd  down  flie  broad  road  to  a  ready  made  drank- 
ard'adooou 27  00 

Paid  dnmk-and-di90sdetiy  fine  and  costs  of  man  who  first  came 
to  me  wfth  his  siren's  song  and  begged  me  to  pleaae  nm 
and  purify  ptditjcs 9  39 

Paid  secretary  of  BeaidkasBc^  Fkditical  VOta  Corps  Nol  9. 

tobi^newstzaina-fcHrpoiifyingpcrfilics 2  8S 

Paid  for  broonde  fonriflbed  to  man  who  first  thnnghtof  me  as 

a  candidate 2D 

Paid  man  who  agreed  to  throw  a  stoeopticoa  portrait  oi. 
myself  against  the  side  of  the  Grand  Coitral  depot  all 
night,  togedio'  with  die  aanoaneemait  that  I  was  the 
people's  dioice,  but  which  said  man,  I  afterward  learned, 
gaC  $50  for  patting  above  the  portraft  an  iDnminated 
legraid.  as  follows:  TAmm  aM» mamld  hmmlookaiietter if 
htkaduted  SUndci  Handnke  PiOif. .  36  00 


78  BILL    NYe's    chestnuts 

Paid  hack  hire  for  conveying  to  Home  of  the  Friendless  two 
children  of  a  man  who  writes  scathing  magazine  articles 
on  "  How  to  Make  Home  Happy,"and  who  also  has  a  strong 
political  pull,  but  which  pull,  strong  as  it  is,  stands  back 
and  trembles  and  turns  pale  in  the  presence  of  this  man's 
rich  Bourbon  breath 5  00 

Paid  for  votes  while  running  at  a  big  church  fair  for  embroid- 
ered suspenders  voted  to  "  the  most  popular  hairless  man 
in  New  York,"  $832. 

Credit  by  suspenders,  40  cents;  balance 831  60 

Paid  for  extra  papers  (papers  contained  column  article,  with 
flea  bitten  portrait,  and  statement  that  at  the  age  of  eigh- 
teen months  I  crawled  out  of  the  cradle  and  began  to  sup- 
port my  parents  by  taming  lions  for  a  circus) 123  00 

Paid  for  overcoat  for  our  pastor,  hoping  he  would  frequently 
allude  to  it,  but  who  took  the  coat  and  paid  a  long  con- 
templated visit  to  his  boyhood  home  in  Ohio 32  00 

Paid  for  eight-line  reading  notice  in  the  columns  of  the  £levated 

Bailwdij  ami  Advertistr 72  00 

Miscellaneous  expenses,  including  railroad  fare  of  my  wife, 
who  has  gone  home  to  her  parents  to  remain  ULtil  I  get 
politics  purified 178  00 

Paid  for  cigars  to  use  during  political  campaign 75  00 

Paid  for  strong  political  pulls  to  use  in  working  said  cigars. . .     3  50 

Paid  to  influential  ward  worker,  who  needed  a  little  money  al 

the  house,  as  his  wife  had  just  presented  him  with  twins.  20  00 

One  week  later,  thoughtlessly  paid  same  man  under  what  pur- 
ported to  be  similar  circumstances 10  00 

Yesterday  I  tried  to  find  the  red-nosed  man  who  first 
asked  me  to  go  into  the  standard-bearer  business,  in 
order  to  withdraw  my  name,  but  I  could  not  find  him 
in  the  directory.  I  tiierefore  take  this  means  of  saying, 
as  I  said  to  my  assignee  last  evening,  that  if  a  public 
office  be  a  public  bust,  I  might  just  as  well  bust  now 
and  have  it  over. 

To-morrow  I  will  sell  out  my  residence,  a  cane  voted 
to  me  as  the  most  popular  man  in  the  State ;  also  an 


OLD   AND   NEW.  Y9 

assortment  of  political  pulls,  a  little  loose  in  the  handles, 
but  otherwise  all  right.  I  will  close  out  at  the  same 
time  five  hundred  torches,  three  hundred  tin  helmets, 
nine  transparencies  and  one  double-leaded  editorial, 
entitled  "  Dinna  Ye  Hear  the  Slogan  ? " 


VIRTUE  ITS  OWN  REWARD. 

A  noble,  generous-hearted  man  in  Cheyenne  lost 
$250,  and  an  honest  chambermaid  found  it  in  his  room. 
The  warm  heart  of  the  man  swelled  with  gratitude, 
and  seemed  to  reach  out  after  all  mankind,  that  he 
might  in  some  way  assist  them  with  the  $250  which 
was  lost,  and  was  found  again.  So  he  fell  on  the  neck 
of  the  chambermaid,  and  while  his  tears  took  the  starch 
out  of  her  linen  collar,  he  put  his  hand  in  his  pocket  and 
found  her  a  counterfeit  twenty-five  cent  scrip.  "  Take 
this,"  he  said,  between  his  sobs,  "virtue  is  its  own 
reward.  Do  not  use  it  unwisely,  put  it  into  Laramie 
County  bonds,  where  thieves  cannot  corrupt^  nor  moths 
break  through  and  gnaw  the  corners  off." 


A  GOOD  PAINTING  FOR  THE  CAPITOL. 

I  have  seen  a  very  spirited  painting  somewhere ;  I 
think  it  was  at  the  Louvre,  or  the  Vatican,  or  Fort 
Collins,  by  either  Michael  Angelo,  or  Raphael,  or  Eli 
Perkins,  which  represented  Joseph  presenting  a  por- 
tion of  his  ulster  overcoat  to  Potiphar's  wife,  and 
lighting  out  for  the  Cairo  and  Palestine  11  o'clock 
train,  with  a  great  deal  of  earnestness.  This  would 
be  a  good  painting  to  hang  on  the  walls  of  the  CapitoL 


CHESTNUT-BUKR.    IX. 


BILL  NYE  DESCANTS   UPON  YOUNG  IVES'S  IDEAS  IN 
FINANCE. 


Mr.  Ives's  Earnest  Desire  Not  to  Tell  a  Lie  or  Anything 
Else  —  Blighted  Powers  of  Recalling  the  Past  Pu*. 
Him  Alongside  the  Gentle  Gould  Himself —  Touch- 
ing Letter  Received  from  a  Patron  of  His  Road. 
The  present  age  may  be  regarded  as  the  age  of  inves- 
tigation.     This  morbid   curiosity  on  the  part  of  the 
American  people  to  know    how  large    fortunes  are 
acquired  is  a  healthy  sign,  and  the  desire  of  the  press, 
as  well  as.  the  people,  to  investigate  the  parlor  magic 
and  funny  business  by  which  a  man  can  buy  two  mil- 
lions of  dollars'  Avorth  of  stock  in  the  Aurora  Borealis 
without  paying  for  it,  stick  a  quill  in  it  and  inflate  the 
stock  to  twenty  millions,  then  borrow  thirty-five  mil- 
lions on  the  new  stock  by  booming  it,  make  an  assign- 
ment, bust  and  slide  a  fifty-pound  ledger  up  his  sleeve, 
is  most  gratifying. 

For  the  benefit  aUv.  entertainment  of  those  who  still 
believe  that  the  Sunday  paper  is  not  an  engine  of 
destruction,  and  for  the  consideration  of  those  who 
may  have  been  kept  away  from  church  on  this  summer 
Sabbath  morning  by  sickness  or  insomnia,  let  us  turn 
for  a  moment  to  the  thoughtful  scrutiny  of  Mr.  Henry 
S.  Ives,  the  young  Napoleon  of  Wall  street. 

In  the  first  place,  Mr.  Ives  has  done  nothing  new. 
Starting  out,  no  doubt,  with  Mr.  Gould  as  his  model, 

80 


OLD   AND   NEW.  81 

he  has  kept  up  the  imitation  even  to  the  loss  of  mem- 
ory and  blighted  powers  of  recalling  the  past  during 
an  investigation.  (I  use  Mr.  Gould's  name  simpl}^  as 
an  illustration  —  for  I  have  no  special  antipathy  toward 
Mr.  Gould.)  Personally  we  are  friendly.  He  made 
his  money  by  means  of  his  comatose  memory  and  flabby 
integrity,  while  I  made  mine  by  means  of  earnest,  hon- 
est toil,  and  a  lurid  imagination. 

But  in  the  case  of  Mr.  Ives,  the  gentle,  polite  failure 
to  remember,  the  earnest  desire  not  to  tell  a  lie  or  any- 
thing else,  the  courteous  and  unobtrusive  effort  to 
avoid  being  too  positive  about  anything  that  would 
assist  anybody  in  ascertaining  anything  —  all,  all 
remind  the  close  student  of  Mr.  Jay  Gould.  The  con- 
versation during  the  investigation  for  one  day  ran 
something  like  this : 

"  Mr.  Ives,  did  you  in  making  your  assignment  turn 
over  all  the  books  connected  with  your  business  ?" 

"  Do  you  mean  my  library  ? " 

"  Ko ;  the  books  of  account,  the  day  book,  cash  book, 
ledger,  etc.,  etc." 

"  Oh ! " 

"  I  ask  if  you  turned  over  all  such  books  on  the  date 
of  your  assignment  ? " 

"  I  could  hardly  tell  that.  At  least,  I  would  only 
swear  on  information  and  belief." 

"  Well,  to  the  best  of  your  knowledge  and  belief,  did 
you  turn  over  those  books  at  that  time  ? " 

"  I  think  I  did,  but  I  am  not  positive  as  to  the 
date?" 

"  What  makes  you  think  you  did  ? " 
6 


82  BILL  nye\''  chestnuts 

"  Because  I  did  frequently  turn  the  books  over,  vn 

order  to  see  how  they  looked  on  the  other  side. " 

*  *  *  *  -K-  * 

"  Mr.  Ives,  we  find  that  several  of  the  more  impor^ 
tant  books  connected  with  your  office  and  the  firm  of 
Henry  S.  Ives  &  Co,  are  missing.  Do  you  know  where 
they  are  ? " 

"  E"o,  I  do  not." 

"  Were  they  in  your  office  prior  to  your  assign- 
ment ? " 

"  Yes,  they  were  there,  according-  to  the  best  of  my 
knowledge  and  belief,  up  to  the  time  that  they  were 
not  there." 

"  Have  you  any  idea,  Mr.  Ives,  where  those  books 
are  now  ? " 

"  ^o  sir ;  only  in  a  general  way? " 

"  How  do  you  mean  in  a  general  way? " 

"  "Well,  I  mean  that  I  know  only  in  what  might  be 
called  a  general  way.  " 

"  Well,  Mr.  Ives,  will  you  state  then,  in  a  general 
way,  where  those  books  are  now  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir ;  they  are  elsewhere." 

"What  makes  you  say  they  are  elsewhere,  Mr. 
Ives?" 

"  Because  they  are  not  there." 

*  *  *  *  *  * 

"  Well,  now,  will  you  tell  us  whether  you  removed 
those  books  from  the  office  of  H.  S.  Ives  &  Co.  or 
not?" 

"Do  you  ask  me  to  answer  that  question  person- 
ally ? " 

"  Yes." 


OLD    AND   NEW.  83 

"  Do  you  wish  a  verbal  answer  or  would  you  rather 
have  it  in  writing  ? " 

"  Answer  orally." 

"  Well,  then,  I  did  not,  to  my  knowledge." 

"  Would  you  have  been  apt  to  know  of  it  if  you  had 
taken  them  away  yourself?  " 

"  Well,  only  in  a  general  way." 

"  Would  you  have  known-  about  it  if  any  one  else 
had  taken  them  away  ? " 

"  I  think  I  would  but  I  might  not.  There  was  a  great 
deal  of  passing  along  our  street,  and  they  may  have 
been  taken  while  I  was  looking  out  of  the  window, 
waiting  till  the  crowds  rolled  by." 

And  so  Mr.  Ives  continued  to  shed  information  upon 
the  inquiring  mind  in  a  courteous  and  opaque  manner 
that  must  have  endeared  him  to  all. 

Mr.  Ives  has  in  no  transaction  shown  himself  so 
thorougly  shrewd  as  he  did  when  he  swapped  a  doubtful 
reputation  for  a  large  sum  of  money.  The  only  wonder 
is  that  there  were  so  many  men  who  wanted  to  invest  in 
that  kind  of  goods.  He  did  a  shrewd  thing,  but  he  will 
not  be  able  to  profit  by  it. 

Success,  however,  should  only  be  measured  by  the 
content  it  brings  with  it.  While  Henry  S.  Ives  was 
lighting  his  mighty  financial  battles  and  winning  for 
himself  the  title  of  the  Young  Napoleon  of  Wall  street, 
dwelling  in  a  little  palace  lined  with  ivory  and  gold, 
but  cursed  by  the  consuming  desire  to  be  rich,  and 
forgetful,  like  Mr.  Gould,  how  full  of  calm  and  sooth- 
ing content  is  the  following  simple  letter,  written 
by  a  man  who  undertook  last  year  to  inaugurate  a 
Shakesperian  revival  in  southern  Ohio : 


84  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

Cincinnati,  O.,  Aug.  3,  1886. 
Mr.  Henry  S.  Ives,  New  York,  N.  Y. 

Dear  Sir  :  I  have  just  arrived  in  this  city  after  a 
long  and  debilitating  but  rather  enjoyable  trip  over 
your  line,  and  I  noAv  take  pen  in  hand  to  thank  you 
for  the  use  of  your  roadbed  from  Indianapolis  to  this 
place.  It  is  a  good  road,  and  I  was  surprised  to  find 
it  well  ballasted  and  furnished  with  cool  retreats  and 
shady  culverts  every  few  miles  wherein  a  man  could 
rest. 

It  is  a  good  route  for  the  poor  but  pampered  tra- 
gedian to  take,  and  water-melons  grow  close  to  the  fence. 
I  have  traveled  over  many  other  roads  since  the  new 
and  pernicious  law,  but  nowhere  have  I  found  water- 
melons more  succulent  or  less  coy  and  secretive  than 
on  your  justly  celebrated  line.  I  also  notice  with 
pleasure  that  green  corn  is  still  susceptible,  and  wild 
paw  paws  are  growing  in  the  summer  sun. 

I  thought  I  saw  you  go  by  in  your  special  car  just 
north  of  the  first  trestle  outside  of  town,  but  you  went 
by  so  fast  that  I  could  not  tell  definitely  till  too  late. 
Please  excuse  me  for  not  speaking  to  you  as  you 
passed  by.  Success  on  the  stage  has  not  taught  me  to 
forget  or  ignore  my  friends  whenever  I  am  thrown  in 
contact  with  them. 

People  write  me  that  New  York  State  is  rapidly 
settling  up,  and  that  property  is  advancing  rapidly  in 
every  direction.  Is  this  so  ?  Advancing  rapidly  in 
every  direction  is,  I  suppose,  one  of  the  most  difiicult 
feats  known  to  calisthenics.  I  have  tried  it  myself, 
years  ago,  but  now  I  do  not  practice  it,  having  quit 
drinking  altogether. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  87 

T  hope  you  will  let  me  know  any  time  that  I  can  be 
of  use  to  you,  either  in  mowing  weeds  or  gathering 
nuts  that  have  ripened  and  fallen  off  your  track.  I 
enjoy,  especially  in  the  autumn  when  the  hectic  of  the 
dying  year  has  flooded  the  forests  with  its  multiplied 
glories,  and  the  cricket  sings  his  sleepy  song  to  the 
tired  heart,  and  the  locust  lifts  its  lawn-mower  voice  in 
the  boughs  of  the  poplar,  to  go  nutting  along  a  prolific 
railroad  track. 

I  would  be  glad,  also,  if  you  have  not  secured  any- 
one else,  to  assist  you  in  herding  your  stock  on  Wall 
street.  Eailroad  stock  frequently  runs  down  and  gets 
the  hollow  horn  for  lack  of  care  during  the  winter 
months. 

Always  feel  free  to  call  on  me  at  any  time  that  I 
can  be  of  service  to  you.     Yours  truly, 

A B . 

The  moral  to  be  drawn  from  the  career  of  Napoleon 
Bonaparte  Ives  is  that  they  who  make  haste  to  be  rich 
may  not  be  innocent.  As  Gen.  McClellan  once  said, 
there  can  be  no  better  incentive  to  integrity  than  the 
generous  approval  accorded  to  honesty  by  those  who 
are  honest.  All  other  kinds  of  approval  are  not  worth 
struggling  for.  Money  will  buy  a  certain  kind  of 
applause,  but  it  is  the  kind  that  turns  to  scorn  when 
justice  begins  to  get  in  her  fine  work. 

And  life  itself  is  brief.  Storied  urn  and  animated 
bust  may  succeed  well  in  society,  but  they  cannot  soothe 
the  dull,  cold  ear  of  death.  Freckled  granite  and  pre- 
varicating marble  may  perpetuate  the  fraud  of  a  life- 
time, but  they  do  not  always  indicate  success. 

For  mj^self  I  would  rather  have  more  sincere  and 


BILL    NYE  S   CHESTNUTS 


honest  friends  through  life,   and  afterwards  content 
myself  with  a  plainer  tomb. 

Not  many  miles  from  the  costly  mausoleum  of  a 
great  millionaire  a  sign-board  by  the  roadside  reads: 


Jlt^"This  way  to  Foley's  Grove! 
Enjoy  life  while  you  live,  for 
You'll  be  a  long  time  dead. 


While  I  do  not  fully  indorse  this  sentiment,  there  is 
food  in  it  for  earnest  thought. 


THE  ANTI-CLINKER  BASE-BURNER  BEE. 

I  have  noticed  bees  very  closely  indeed,  during  my 
life.  In  fact  I  have  several  times  been  thrown  into  im- 
mediate juxtaposition  with  them,  and  have  had  a  great 
many  opportunities  to  observe  their  ways,  and  I  am 
free  to  say  that  I  have  not  been  so  forcibly  struck  with 
the  difference  in  their  size  as  the  noticeable  difference 
in  their  temperature.  I  remember  at  one  time  sitting 
by  a  hive  watching  the  habits  of  the  bees,  and  think- 
ing how  industrious  they  were,  and  what  a  wide  differ- 
ence there  is  between  the  toilsome  life  of  the  little  in- 
sect, and  the  enervating,  aimless,  idle  and  luxurious 
life  of  the  newspaper  man,  when  an  impulsive  little  bee 
lit  in  my  hair.  He  seemed  to  be  feverish.  Wherever  he 
settled  down  he  seemed  to  leave  a  hot  place.  I  learned 
afterward  that  it  was  a  new  kind  of  bee  called  the 
anti-clinker  base-burner  bee. 


CHESTNUT-BUKR    X. 


A  FEW  REMARKS  ON  OUR  HOSTELRY  SYSTEM  AS  IT 
NOW  PREVAILS. 


Why  a  man  in  a  Soft  Hat  is  not  always   Welcome  — 
The  Hotel  Clerh  and  his  Frigidity  Apparatus  —  The 
Hotel  Hog  and  his  Habits  —  How  he  moAj  he  Headed 
Off —  Drolleries  of  Shrewd  Bonifaces. 
America  has  made  many  gigantic  strides,  aside  from 
those  made  at  the  battle  of  Bull  Run,  and  her  people 
spend  much  of  their  time  pointing  with  pride  to  her 
remarkable  progress;  but  we  are  prone  to  dwell  too 
much  upon  our  advantages  as  a  summer  resort,  and 
our  adroit  methods  of  declining  the  Presidency  before 
we  are  asked,  while  we  forget  some  of  our  more  im- 
portant improvements,  like  the  Elevated  Railway  and 
the  American  Hotel. 

Let  us,  for  a  moment,  look  at  the  great  changes 
that  have  been  wrought  in  hotels  during  the  past 
century.  How  marked  has  been  the  improvement  and 
how  wonderful  the  advancement.  Everything  has 
been  changed.     Even  the  towels  have  been  changed. 

Electric  bells,  consisting  of  a  long  and  alert  wire 
with  an  overcoat  button  at  one  end  and  a  reticent  boy 
at  the  other,  have  taken  the  place  of  the  human  voice 
and  a  low-browed  red-elm  club.  Where  once  we  were 
compelled  to  fall  down  a  dark,  narrow  staircase,  now 
Ave  can  go  down  the  elevator  or  wander  down  the 
wrong  stairway  and  f^^^'^  r.n.'cj^ixrQc  ui  the  laundry. 

8i? 


90  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

Where  once  we  were  mortified  by  being  compelled 
to  rise  at  table,  reach  nine  feet  and  stab  a  porous 
pancake  vitli  our  fork,  meantime  wiping  the  milk 
gravy  out  of  a  large  yellow  bowl  with  our  coat-tails, 
now  Ave  can  hire  a  tall,  lithe  gentleman  in  a  full  dress 
suit  to  pass  us  the  pancakes. 

Even  the  bar-rooms  of  American  hotels  are  changed. 
Once  the  bartender  waited  till  his  customer  ran  all  liis 
remarks  into  one  long,  hoarse  word,  witli  a  hiccough 
on  the  end,  and  then  he  took  him  b\^  the  collar  and 
threw  him  out  into  the  cold  and  chaotic  night.  Now 
the  bartender  gradually  rises  on  the  price  of  drinks  till 
his  customer  is  frozen  out,  and  while  he  is  gone  to  the 
reading-room  to  borrow  some  more  money  tlie  chemist 
moves  the  bar  somewhere  else,  and  when  the  guest 
returns  he  finds  a  barber-shop  where  he  thought  hf* 
left  a  bar-room. 

One  hundred  years,  on  their  swift  pinions,  have, 
borne  away  the  big  and  earnest  dinner  bell,  and  the 
sway-backed  hair  trunk  that  surprised  a  man  so  when 
he  sat  down  upon  it  to  consider  what  clothes  he  would 
put  on  first. 

All  these  evidences  of  our  crude,  embryotic  exist- 
ence are  gone,  and  in  their  places  we  have  electric 
bells,  and  Saratoga  trunks  wherein  we  may  conceal  our 
hotel  room  and  still  have  space  left  for  our  clothes. 

It  is  very  rare  now  that  we  see  a  United  States 
senator  snaking  a  two-year  old  ]\[ambrino  hair  ti'unk 
up  three  flights  of  stairs  to  his  room  in  order  to  secure 
the  labor  vote.  Men,  as  well  as  hotels  and  hotel  soap, 
have  changed.  Where  once  a  cake  of  soap  would  only 
last  a  few  weeks,  science  has  come  in  and  perfected  a 


OLD   AND   NEW.  91 

style  of  pink  soap,  flavored  with  vanilla,  that  will  last 
for  years,  and  a  new  slippery-elm  towel  that  is  abso- 
lutely impervious  to  moisture.  Hand  in  hand,  this 
soap  and  towel  go  gaily  down  the  corridors  of  time, 
welcoming  the  coming  and  speeding  the  parting  guest, 
jumping  deftly  out  of  the  hands  of  the  aristocracy  into 
the  hands  of  a  receiver,  but  always  calm,  smooth  and 
latherless. 

Nature  did  not  fit  me  to  be  the  successful  guest  at  a 
hotel.  I  can  see  why  it  is  so.  I  do  not  know  how  to 
impress  a  hotel.  I  think  all  the  way  up  from  the 
depot,  as  I  change  hands  with  my  hot-handled  and 
heavy  bag,  )iow  I  will  stride  up  to  the  counter  and  ask 
for  the  room  that  is  generally  given  to  Mr,  Blaine ;  but 
when  I  get  there  I  fall  up  against  a  cold  wave,  step 
back  into  a  large  india-rubber  cuspidor,  and  my  over- 
taxed valise  bursts  open.  While  the  porter  and  I 
gather  up  my  collars  and  gently  press  them  in  with  our 
feet,  the  clerk  decides  that  he  hasn't  got  such  a  room 
as  I  would  want. 

I  then  go  to  another  hotel  and  succeed  in  getting  a 
room,  Avhich  commands  a  view  of  a  large  red  fire-escape, 
a  long  sweep  of  undulating  eaves-trough  and  a  light- 
ning rod  —  usually  No.  Tf,  near  the  laundry  chimney 
and  adjoining  the  baggage  elevator. 

After  I  have  remained  at  the  hotel  several  days  and 
paid  my  bill  wdienever  I  have  been  asked  to  do  so,  and 
shown  that  I  did  not  eat  much  and  that  I  was  willing 
to  carry  up  my  own  coal,  the  proprietor  relents  and 
puts  me  in  a  room  that  is  below  timber  line,  and  though 
it  is  a  better  room,  I  feel  all  the  time  as  though  I  had 
driven  out  the  night-watchman,  for  the   bed   is  still 


92  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

warm,  and  knowing  that  he  must  be  sleepmg  out  m 
tlie  cold  hall  all  night  as  he  patiently  watches  the  hotel, 
i  cannot  sleep  until  three  or  four  o'clock  in  the  morn- 
ing, and  then  I  have  to  get  up  while  the  chambermaid 
makes  my  bed  for  the  day. 

I  try  hard  when  I  enter  a  hotel  to  assume  an  air  of 
arrogance  and  defiance,  but  I  am  all  the  time  afraid 
that  there  is  some  one  present  who  is  acquainted  with 
me. 

Another  thing  that  works  against  me  is  my  apparel. 
In  a  strange  hotel  a  man  will  do  better,  if  he  has  fifty 
dollars  only,  and  desires  to  remain  two  w^eeks,  to  go  and 
buy  a  fifty  dollar  suit  of  clothes  with  his  money,  taking 
Ins  chances  with  the  clerk,  than  to  dress  like  a  plain 
American  citizen,  and  expect  to  be  loved,  on  the 
grounds  that  he  will  pay  his  board. 

But  there  is  now  a  prospect  for  reform  in  this  line,  a 
scheme  by  which  a  man's  name  and  record  as  a  guest 
will  be  his  credentials.  When  this  plan  becomes  thor- 
oughly understood  and  adopted,  a  modest  man  with 
money,  who  prefers  to  wear  a  soft  hat,  will  not  have  to 
sleep  in  the  Union  depot,  solely  on  the  ground  that  the 
night  clerk  is  op[)Osed  to  a  soft  hat 

This  scheme,  to  be  brief,  consists  of  a  system  of 
regular  reports  from  tables  and  rooms,  which  reports 
are  epitomized  at  the  office  and  interchangeable  with 
other  hotels,  on  the  principle  of  the  R.  G.  Dun  Com- 
mercial Agency,  The  guest  is  required  to  sign  his 
order  at  the  table  or  give  the  number  of  his  room, 
whether  the  hotel  is  run  on  the  European  plan  or  not, 
and  these  orders  in  the  aggregate,  coming  from  head 


OLD    AND   NEW.  93 

waiters,  porters,  chambermaids  and  bell-boys,  make  up 
a  man's  standing  on  a  scale  of  from  A  to  Z. 

For  instance,  we  will  say  a  five-dollar-per-day  house 
can  afford  to  feed  a  man  for  a  dollar  a  meal.  The 
guest  orders  two  dollars'  worth,  sticks  his  mustache 
into  just  enough  of  it  to  spoil  it  for  stew  or  giblet  pur- 
poses, and  then  goes  to  his  room.  Here  he  puts  up  the 
lire-escape  rope  for  a  clothes-line,  does  a  week's  wash- 
ing, and  hanging  it  out  upon  the  improvised  clothes- 
line, he  lights  a  strong  pipe,  puts  his  feet  on  the  pillovv'- 
gharas,  and  reads  "  As  in  a  Looking  Glass  "  while  his 
wash  is  drying.  When  that  man  goes  aw^ay  he  leaves 
a  record  at  the  hotel  Avhich  confronts  him  at  every 
hotel  wherever  he  goes.  As  soon  as  he  writes  his  name, 
the  clerk,  who  has  read  it  wrong  side  up  just  a  little 
before  he  got  it'dowm,  tells  him  that  he  is  very  sorry, 
but  that  the  house  is  full,  and  people  are  sleeping  on 
cots  in  the  hall,  and  the  proprietor  himself  has  to  sleep 
on  the  sideboard.  The  large  white  Suffolk  hog,  who 
has  been  in  the  habit  of  inaugurating-  a  rain  of  terror 
and  gravy  in  the  dining-room  and  stealing  the  soap 
from  tlic  wash-room,  just  simply  because  he  could  out 
trump  the  clerk  on  diamonds,  will  thus  have  to  go  to 
the  ]>ound,  wliere  he  belongs,  and  quiet,  every  day 
people,  wlio  rely  on  tlieir  integrity  more  than  they  do 
on  their  squeal,  will  get  a  chance. 

A  great  many  droll  characters  and  bright,  shrewd 
men  are  met  with  among  hotel  proprietors  wherever 
vou  g-o.  "The  Fat  Contributor"  was  lecturin":  once  in 
the  State  of  Kentuck}',  and  had  occasion  to  take  din- 
ner at  a  six-bit  hotel.  After  the  meal  Mr.  Grisv;old 
stepped  up  to  the  counter,  took  out  a  bale  of  bank 


94:  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

notes,  which  he  had  received  for  his  lecture  the  evening 
before,  and  asked  what  might  be  the  damage. 

"  Three  dollars,"  said  the  blue  grass  gentleman,  who 
had  buttoned  his  collar  with  a  tenpenny  nail,  while  he 
looked  at  "  Gris  "  with  a  pained  expression. 

"  Yes,  but  a  man  ought  to  be  able  to  board  here  a 
week  for  three  dollars.  The  whole  house  didn't  cost 
more  than  forty  or  forty-five  dollars.  What's  your  idea 
in  charging  me  three  dollars  for  a  wad  of  hominy  and 
a  piece  of  parched  pork  ?  " 

"Well,  sir,"  said  the  urbane  landlord,  as  he  put  out 
the  fire  at  a-  distance  of  twenty  feet  by  emptying  his 
salivary  surplus  on  it,  "  I  need  the  money  ? "" 

The  frankness  and  open,  candid  manner  of  the  man 
won  Mr.  Gris  wold,  and  he  asked  him  if  he  thought 
three  dollars  would  be  enough.  The  landlord  said  he 
could  get  along  Avith  that.  Then  Griswold  opened  his 
valise  and  took  out  a  large  brunette-  bottle  of  liniment 
marked  "  for  external  use."  He  passed  it  over  to  the 
landlord,  and  told  him  that  he  would  find  this  stuff 
worked  as  well  on  the  inside  as  it  did  on  the  outside. 
In  a  few  moments  the  liniment  of  the  "  Fat  Contrib- 
utor "  and  the  lineaments  of  the  landlord  had  merged 
into  each  other,  and  a  friendly  feeling  sprang  up  be- 
tween the  two  men  which  time  has  never  effaced.  I 
have  often  thought  of  this,  and  wondered  why  it  is  that 
hotel  men  are  not  more  open  and  cordial  with  their 
guests.  Many  a  time  I  have  paid  a  large  bill  grudg- 
ingly when  I  would  have  done  it  cheerfully  if  the  land- 
lord had  told  me  he  was  in  need. 

I  had  intended  to  speak  at  some  length  on  the  new 
rope  law,  by  which  every  man  is  made  his  own  vigi- 


OLD   AND    NEW.  97 

lance  committee ;  but  I  feel  that  I  am  already  encroach- 
ing on  the  advertising  space,  and  so  will  have  to  omit 
it.  In  conclusion,  I  will  say  that  the  American  hotels 
are  far  preferable  to  those  we  have  in  Paris  in  many 
".'ays,  and  not  only  outstrip  those  of  England  and  the 
Continent,  even  as  a  corps  de  hallet  outstrips  a  tobog- 
gan club,  but  they  seem  to  excel  and  everlastingly 
knock  the  ancient  hotels  of  Carthage,  Rome  and  Tie 
Siding  silly. 

PITY  FOR  SAD-EYED  HUSBANDS. 
If  women  would  spend  their  evening's  at  home  with 
tlieir  husbands,  they  would  see  a  marked  change  in  the 
brightness  of  their  homes.  Too  many  sad-eyed  men 
are  wearing  away  their  lives  at  home  alone.  Would 
that  I  had  a  pen  of  fire  to  write  in  letters  of  living 
light  the  ignominy  and  contumely  and — some  more 
things  like  that,  the  names  of  which  have  escaped  my 
memory — that  are  to-day  being  visited  upon  my  sex. 

MARRIAGE. 
Marriage  is,  to  a  man,  at  once  the  happiest  and  sad- 
dest event  of  his  life.  He  quits  all  the  companions 
and  associations  of  his  youth,  and  becomes  the  chief 
attraction  of  a  new  home.  Every  former  tie  is  loos- 
ened, the  spring  of  every  hope  and  action  is  to  be 
changed,  and  yet  he  flees  with  joy  to  the  untrodden  paths 
before  him.  Then  woe  to  the  woman  who  can  blight 
such  joyful  anticipations,  and  wreck  the  bright  hopes 
of  the  trusting,  faithful,  fragrant,  masculine  blossom, 
and  bang  his  head  against  the  sink,  and  throw  him 
under  the  cooking  range,  and  kick  him  into  a  three- 
cornered  mass,  and  then  sit  down  on  him. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    XI. 


WILLIAM  NYE  VISITS  ROYALTY  FROM  THE  HOME  OP 
THE  HAM  SANDWICH. 


Queen  Kapiolani  Recedes  the  Distinguished  Litterateur 
in  State — A  Robust,  Healthful  Queen — Sandwich 
Business  and  Court  Matters — The  Swallow-tail  Coat 
iti  the  Sandwich  Islands. 

The  sun  was  just  slipping  out  the  back  door  of  the 
West  and  hunting  for  the  timber  of  New  Jersey  as 
Queen  Kapiolani,  at  her  rooms  in  the  Victoria  Hotel, 
received  a  plain,  rectangular  card,  printed  in  two  kinds 
of  ink  at  the  owner's  steam  job  office,  containing  the 
following  brief  but  logical  statement : 

:  Wilhelm  Von  Nyj,  ', 

'.  Litterateur  and  Danseuse.  I 

On  the  back  of  the  card  the  Yon  Nyj  arms  had  been 
emblazoned  with  a  rubber  stamp.  Down-stairs,  near 
the  dais  of  the  night  clerk,  stood  a  gayly  caparisoned 
yet  cultivated  cuss,  pouring  over  a  late  volume  of  the 
city  directory.     He  was  the  author  of  these  lines. 

Scarcely  an  hour  had  elapsed  when  a  tinted  octavo 
page  who  waits  on  the  Queen,  slid  down  the  stair-rail 
and  told  me  that  her  Eoyal  Highness  would  receive 
me  in  state  as  soon  as  she  could  change  her  dress. 

Later  on  I  was  ushered  into  the  presence  of  Queen 
Kapiolani,  who  was  at  the  time  accompanied  by  her 
suite  and  another  gentleman  whose  name  I  did  not 
learn. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  101 

She  is  a  distinguished-looking  woman  of  middle  age, 
but  in  apparent  good  health,  and  with  a  constitution 
which  1  think  would  easily  eudure  the  fatigue  of 
reigning  over  a  much  larger  country  than  her  own. 

As  I  entered  the  room  and  made  a  low,  groveling 
obeisance,  an  act  that  is  wholly  foreign  to  my  nature, 
the  Queen  made  a  rapid  movement  towards  the  bell, 
but  I  held  her  back  and  assured  her  that  I  did  not 
drink. 

We  then  chatted  gayly  for  some  time  in  relation  to 
the  Sandwich  business  and  court  matters,  including 
the  Sharp  trial. 

For  a  long  time  the  Queen  seemed  constrained,  and 
evidently  could  not  think  of  anything  to  say  ;  but  she 
soon  saw  that  I  was  not  haughty  or  reserved,  and  when 
at  last  she  reluctantly  showed  me  out  and  locked  the 
door,  I  felt  amply  repaid  for  the  annoyance  that  one 
naturally  feels  on  visiting  a  perfect  stranger. 

From  what  she  said  regarding  her  dynasty  I  gather 
that  it  consists  of  a  covey  of  half-grown  islands  in  the 
Pacific,  inhabited  by  people  who  were  once  benighted 
and  carnivorous,  but  happy.  Now  they  are  well- 
informed  and  bilious,  while  they  revel  in  suspenders  and 
mm,  with  all  the  blessings  of  late  hours,  civilization  and 

suicide. 

The  better  classes  of  the  Sandwich  Islands  have  the 
same  customs  which  prevail  here,  and  the  swallow-tail 
coat  is  quite  prevalent  there.  The  low-neck  and  short- 
sleeve  costume  is  even  carried  to  a  greater  excess,  per- 
haps, and  all  opera  tickets  read : 

•  Admit  the  Bearer  and  Barer. 


102  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

In  answer  to  a  question  of  my  own,  the  Queen  said 
that  crops  in  tlie  Sandwich  Islands  were  looking-  well, 
and  that  garden  truck  was  far  in  advance  of  what  she 
saw  here. 

She  said  that  they  had  pie-plant  in  her  garden  big 
enough  to  eat  before  she  came  away,  and  new  potatoes 
were  as  big  as  walnuts.  Still,  she  is  enjoying  herself 
here  first-rate,  and  says  she  sees  many  pleasing  features 
about  New  York  which  will  ever  decorate  the  tablets 
of  her  memory. 

I  thanked  her  for  this  neat  little  compliment,  and 
told  her  I  should  always  regard  her  in  the  same  manner. 

I  then  wrote  a  little  impromptu  stanza  in  her  auto- 
graph album,  wrung  Her  Majesty's  hand,  and  retired 
with  another  suppliant  and  crouching  bow,  which  indi- 
cated a  contrite  spirit,  l)at  was  calculated  to  deceive. 

I  took  the  liberty  of  extending  to  Iler  Majesty  the 
freedom  of  the  city,  and  asked  her  to  visit  our  press- 
rooms and  see  us  squat  our  burning  thoughts  into  a 
quarter  of  a  million  copies  of  the  paper,  and  all  for 
two  cents. 

I  also  asked  her  to  come  up  any  time  and  read  our 
Hawaii  exchanges,  for  I  know  how  lonely  anybody  can 
be  in  a  great  city  sometimes,  and  how  one  yeai'us  for  a 
glimpse  of  his  countrv  ])aper. 

The  Queen  is  well  paid  while  she  reigns;  and  even 
Avhile  awav  as  she  is  now,  with  her  scepter  standing 
idly  in  tlie  umbrella  rack  at  home,  and  a  large  pink 
mosquito  net  thrown  over  the  throne,  her  pa}"^  is  still 
fjoino-  on  night  and  da  v. 

The  above  is  subtantially  all  that  I  said  during  the 
interview,  though  the  Queen  said  something  as  I  came 


OLD    AND   NEW.  103 

out  of  the  room,  escorted  by  the  janitor,  which  I  did 
not  quite  catch. 

I  did  say,  however,  just  before  leaving  the  room, 
that  I  regretted  sincerely  the  unfortunate  time  of  the 
year  at  wliich  Her  Majesty  li ad  decided  to  visit  us,  it 
being  rather  between  hay  and  grass,  as  it  were,  for  as 
tliere  was  no  r  in  the  montli  it  was  a  httlc  too  late  for 
missionaries  and  a  little  too  early  for  watermelons. 

It  was- only  an  instant  later  that  I  joined  the  janitor 
at  the  foot  of  the  stairs. 

This  evening  the  Queen  will  visit  the  Casino  and  see 
Mr.  Wilson  try  for  the  thi'ee  hundred  and  eighty-sec- 
ond time  to  restrain  the  liowing  leg  of  his  green  plush 
pantaloons. 


A  WORD  OF  EXPLANATION. 

For  the  benefit  of  my  readers,  many  of  whom  are 
not  what  might  be  called  practical  newspaper  men  and 
women,  I  will  say  that  if  your  time  is  very  precious, 
and  life  is  too  short  for  you  to  fool  away  your  evenings 
reading  local  advertisements,  and  you  are  at  times  in 
grave  doubt  as  to  what  is  advertisement  and  what  is 
news,  just  cast  your  eye  to  the  bottom  of  the  article, 
and  if  there  is  a  foot-note  which  says  "  ty4-fritu-3dp& 
wly,  hcolnrm-br  jn7-35tfwly&df-codtf,"  or  something 
of  tliat  stripe,  you  may  safely  say  that  no  matter  how 
much  confidence  you  may  have  had  in  the  editor  up  to 
that  date,  the  article  with  a  foot-note  of  that  kind  is 
published  from  a  purely  mercenary  motive,  and  the 
editor  may  or  may  not  indorse  the  sentiments  therein 
enunciated. 


CHESTNUT-BUEK.    XII. 


THE  HUMORIST   INTERVIEWS   HIS   GRACE  THE  DUKE 
IN  THE  IMPROVED  STYLE. 


Marlborough^ s  Seeming  Lack  of  Appreciation  of  a  JoJce 
— Likewise  His  Lack  of  Loquacity — A  Co-rdial  Lnvi- 
tation  to  the  Duke  to  Visit  the  Metropolis  —  Nye^s 
Naive  and  Graceful  Conservation  on  Society  Gossip. 

Newport,  Sept.  8. 
I  have  just  terminated  a  pleasant  call  upon  the  Duke 
of  Marbro  at  his  lodgings.  I  write  his  name  Marbro 
because  that  is  the  way  we  pronounce  it  here  at  New- 
port. In  the  language  of  my  ostensibly  colored  friend, 
Mr.  Rankin,  the  amateur  pronouncer  would  call  it 
Marl-bor-ough,  with  three  grunts,  while  in  fact  Mar- 
bro, the  correct  pronunciation  of  the  name,  is  executed 
with  but  one  grunt. 

I  found  the  Duke  seated  on  a  low  ottoman,  clad  in  a 
loosely  fitting  costume  of  pajamas.  It  was  so  loose 
and  neglige  that  it  was  on  the  tip  of  my  tongue  to  ask 
him  if  his  mother  made  it  for  him  out  of  his  father's 
old  pajamas;  but  I  suddenly  remembered  that  I  w^as  in 
Newport,  and  not  in  Tombstone,  Arizona,  and  I  re- 
strained myself. 

The  Duke  is  suffering  from  a  slight  cold,  which  he 
contracted  for  during  the  early  part  of  the  w^eek.  It 
resulted  from  his  ignorance  of  our  changeable  and 
freckle-minded  climate.  On  Tuesday  he  took  a  long 
stroll,  and  while  several  miles  from  his  lodgings  and 

104 


OLD   AND   NEW.  105 

wearing  his  light  summer  cane,  he  was  overtaken  by  a 
severe  and  sudden  change  in  the  temperature.  The 
Marbros  are  not  a  strong  race,  and  I  am  told  that  one 
of  the  Duke's  second  cousins  died  of  pneumonia  from 
exposing  himself  to  the  severity  of  a  Christmas-day 
frolic  clad  in  an  autumn  cane. 

The  Duke  rose  languidly  as  I  entered,  and,  taking  a 
reef  in  his  pajamas  clothes,  looked  at  me  in  an  inquir- 
ing way  which  betokened  that,  though  of  lineage  high, 
he  was  not  entirely  at  his  ease  in  my  presence. 

"Duke,"  said  I,  standing  my  umbrella  up  in  the 
corner  to  show  my  childlike  confidence  in  him,  "  how's 
your  conduct  ? " 

In  five  minutes  afterwards  I  would  have  given  worlds 
if  I  could  have  recalled  my  rash  words.  I  did  not 
mean  anj'thing  more  than  to  utter  a  piece  of  pleas- 
antry, for  I  am  pissionately  fond  of  pleasantry  even  in 
society ;  but  Marbro  seemed  to  take  it  to  heart  and  to 
feel  distressed.  He  made  a  low,  guttural  sound,  but 
his  reply  seemed  to  die  away  in  the  mansard  roof  of 
his  mouth.  He  stammered  out  something  which 
sounded  like  the  wail  of  a  damned  soul.  At  least  it  struck 
me  to  be  like  that,  although  my  lot  has  not  been  cast 
among  that  class  of  souls  since  I  got  out  of  politics,  and 
I  may  have  forgotten  their  style  of  wail. 

To  hide  his  embarrassment,  Marbro  "rosined"  his 
eye  and  put  a  large  glass  paper  weight  in  it.  He  then 
regarded  me  with  some  amazement  through  this  piece 
of  brick-a-brac,  while  I  poured  out  a  grown  person's 
dose  of  Rectified  Ruin  which  stood  on  the  escritoire 
and  drank  it  with  a  keen  relish,  which  showed  that  I 


106  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

trusted  him  implicitly.     Everything  I  did  was  done  to 

make  Marbro  forget  himself  and  feel  at  his  ease. 

I  told  him  I  had  known  the  Marbros  in  Maine  ever 
since  I  was  a  boy;  that  we  didn't  feel  above  them  then, 
and  it  would  be  a  poor  time  to  begin  now  at  my  time 
of  life  to  look  down  on  people  just  because  I  now  wrote 
pieces  for  the  })aj)er,  many  of  which  were  afterwards 
])rinted.  We  always  thought  that  the  Marbros,  or 
Marlborouglis,  of  Maine,  got  their  name  from  burrow- 
ing in  tlie  marl  along  the  Piscataquis,  I  said. 

Thus  I  chatted  on  with  him  for  an  hour  or  two 
without  seeming  to  chirk  him  up  at  all.  "  Duke,"  said 
I  at  last,  "  I  know  Avhat  the  matter  must  be  with  you 
— }'oa  are  socially  ostracized.  I  knew  it  as  soon  as  I 
came  into  the  room.  You  cannot  disguise  it  from  me. 
You  are  suffering  from  social  ostracism,  and  it  is  break- 
ing you  down.  The  social  demands  made  by  America 
upon  an  imported  social  wreck  do  not  give  said  wreck 
time  to  eat  his  meals  and  obtain  a  necessary  amount 
of  rest.  I  suppose  there  is  nowhere  in  the  world  a 
climate  that  is  so  trying  on  a  person  suffering  from 
social  ostracism  as  that  of  my  native  land.  In  other 
climes  they  give  a  social  outcast  rest,  but  here  he  gets 
absolutely  no  rest  whatever." 

I  then  drifted  into  society  chat  in  a  graceful  and 
naive  way,  which,  with  others,  has  never  failed  to  melt 
the  stoniest  heart.  I  told  him  that  I  had  understood, 
since  I  came  to  Newport,  that  the  demands  of  society 
here  were  so  unrelenting  that  they  had  kept  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Mayonnaise  dressing  all  the  time. 

A  long  pause  ensued  here,  during  which  I  could  hear 
Marbro's  reason  tottering  en  its  throne.     After  waiting 


OLD   AND   NEW.  109 

three-quarters  of  an  hour,  by  my  watch,  and  faihng  to 
see  that  my  remark  had  shed  even  a  ray  of  sunshine, 
where  erstwhile  all  was  gloom  and  chaos,  I  gave  him 
my  address  and  told  him  that  if,  in  the  future,  he  ever 
derived  any  beneficial  effects  from  the  above  joke,  I 
would  be  glad  to  have  him  communicate  with  me. 
And  even  if  I  were  to  die  before  he  could  truly  sa}^  that 
he  had  been  benefited  by  this  joke  and  grapple  with  its 
keen,  incisive  nub,  my  grandchildren  would  be  tickled 
almost  to  death  to  know  that  he  had  taken  it  to  pieces 
and  put  it  together  again  and  found  out  how  it  was 
built  and  laugh  at  its  ingenious  mechanism. 

I  conversed  with  the  Duke  some  time  about  the 
way  his  visit  to  Newport  had  depressed  the  price  of 
real  estate,  and  offered  him  the  freedom  of  New  York, 
hoping  that  he  could  depress  the  price  of  real  estate 
there  so  that  I  could  buy  some. 

"  But,"  said  I,  assuming  an  air  of  perfect  repose,  as  I 
flung  myself  on  a  low  couch  in  such  a  way  as  to  give  a 
faint  view  of  my  new  red  socks,  "  3'ou  will  find  it 
different  in  New  York.  Social  ostracism  there  will  not 
materially  affect  the  price  of  real  estate  in  the  neigh- 
borhood of  the  postoffice.  In  fact,  Marbro,"  said  I, 
regarding  him  earnestly  for  a  moment  through  the 
bottom  of  a  cut-glass  tumbler,  "  there  is  not  enough 
English  social  ostracism  in  New  York  to  supply  the 
demand.  Come  to  our  young  and  thriving  town,  a 
town  that  is  rich  in  resources  and  liabilities ;  a  town 
that  threatens  to  rival  Omaha  as  a  railroad  center  ;  a 
town  where  a  B,  and  O.  deal  has  been  a  common 
occurrence  every  day  for  over  a  year  ;  a  town  where 
you  can  ride  on  the  elevated  trains  and  get  yourself 


110  BILL   NYE's   chestnuts 

pinched  in  the  iron  gate  by  the  guard  or  go  down  to  Wall 
street  and  get  pinched  by  the  directors ;  a  town  where 
a  man  like  Henry  S.  Ives  can  buy  about  seven  million 
dollars'  worth  of  stulf  that  he  can't  pay  for,  while  a 
poor  man  who  goes  into  a  general  store  to  buy  a  pair 
of  ear  luuffs  is  followed  up  by  a  private  detective  for 
fear  he  may  run  his  linger  into  the  molasses  barrel  and 
then  lick  it  syruptitiously.  "  Come  on,  Duke,"  said  I, 
growing  more  talkative  as  the  fumes  of  his  fifty-two 
dollar  liquor  rose  to  my  surprised  and  delighted  brains ; 
"  come  on  to  New  York  and  mix  up  with  us,  and  get 
on  to  our  ways. 

"  See  Fulton  market  by  midnight,  bite  off  a  piece  of 
atmos])here  from  Castle  Garden,  and  come  with  me  to 
see  Guiteau's  head  in  the  museum.  Guiteau  was  the 
last  of  a  long  line  of  assassins.  He  prophesied  that 
everyone  connected  witli  his  trial  would  come  to  a  bad 
end.  Quite  a  number  of  those  connected  with  this 
celebrated  trial  are  already  dead,  and  more  especially 
Mr.  Guiteau  himself,  whose  skeleton  is  in  the  Smith- 
sonian Institution,  his  viscera  in  the  Potomac,  and  his 
head  in  a  jar  of  alcohol.  If  you  will  come  to  New 
York,  Marbro,  you  will  have  a  good  time,  and  the  rose 
geraniums  will  come  back  to  your  pallid  and  durable 
oheek. 

"  If  you  will  give  us  a  whirl,  Duke,"  said  I,  selecting 
an  umbrella  from  the  decorated  crock  in  the  hall  and 
coming  back  to  where  he  still  sat,  "  you  will  be  pleased 
and  gratified  with  us;  and  if  you  can  spare  time  to 
come  over  and  see  me  personally  I  would  try  to  be  as 
cordial  and  chatty  as  you  have  been  with  me.  No  man 
ever  entertained  me  as  you  have,  or  sat  and  examined 


OLD   AND   NEW,  111 

me  through  the  bottom  of  an  old  microscope  for  two 
hours,  to  be  forgotten  again  by  me.  Marbro,  if  you 
will  come  to  New  York,  we  will  go  and  visit  anybody's 
tomb  that  you  may  designate." 

I  then  let  myself  out  of  the  house  with  an  adjustable 
pass-key  and  hastened  away.  Shortly  after  I  got  back  to 
my  own  lodgings,  sometimes  called  a  7-|  room,  a  lackey 
from  the  Duke,  wearing  a  livery-colored  liver}^  handed 
me  a  note  from  Marbro,  in  which  he  said  he  hoped  that 
in  case  I  used  this  interview  for  publication  I  would  be 
careful  to  give  his  exact  language. 

In  my  poor,  weak  way,  I  think  I  have  done  so. 

TFE  CHINESE  COMPOSITOR. 

The  Chinese  compositor  cannot  sit  at  his  case  as  our 
printers  do,  but  must  walk  from  one  case  to  another 
constantly,  as  the  characters  needed  cover  such  a  large 
number,  that  they  cannot  be  put  into  anj'thinglike  the 
space  used  in  the  English  newspaper  ofhce.  In  setting 
up  an  ordinary  piece  of  manuscript,  the  Chinese  printer 
Avill  waltz  up  and  down  the  room  for  a  few  moments, 
and  then  go  doAvn  stairs  for  a  line  of  lower  case.  Then 
he  takes  the  elevator  and  goes  up  into  the  third  story 
after  some  caps,  and  then  goes  out  into  the  woodshed 
for  a  handful  of  astonishers.  The  successful  Chinese 
compositor  doesn't  need  to  be  so  very  intelhgent,  but 
he  must  be  a  good  pedestrian. 


THE  TRUE  AMERICAN. 


The  true  American  would  rather  work  himself  into 
luxury  or  the  lunatic  asylum  than  to  hang  like  a  great 
wart  upon  the  face  of  nature. 


CHESTNUT-BURK.    XIII 


"  THE  OLD  MAN  ELOQUENT. 


Sitting  Bull  hefore  the  Council  of  the  Sioux  Nation  — 
An  Impressive  Speech — Civilization  and  the  Pale- 
face Doing  their  Deadly  Work  —  The  Moccasins  of  a 
Mighty  Nation. 

The  following  speech  of  Sitting  Bull  has  been 
specially  translated  and  reported  by  our  Indian  edi- 
tor, who  is  also  wholesale  and  retail  dealer  in  deceased 
languages,  and  general  agent  for  home-made  Sioux  rhet- 
oric and  smoke-tanned  Indian  eloquence.  New  laid 
Indian  laments  with  bead  trimmings.  Compiler  of 
novel  and  desirable  styles  of  Avar  dances.  Indian  elo- 
quence furnished  to  debating  clubs  and  publishers  of 
school  readers  : 

"  Warriors  and  war-scarred  veterans  of  the  frontier  ; 
Once  more  the  warpath  is  overgrown  with  bunch  grass, 
and  the  tomahawk  slumbers  in  the  wigwam  of  the  red 
man.  Grim-visaged  war  has  given  place  to  the  piping 
times  of  peace.  The  cold  and  cruel  winter  is  upon  us. 
It  has  been  upon  us  for  some  time. 

"  The  wail  of  departed  spirits  is  on  the  night  wind, 
and  the  wail  of  the  man  with  the  chilblain  answers 
back  from  the  warrior's  wigwam. 

"Children  of  the  forest,  we  are  few.  Where  once 
the  shrill  war-whoop  of  the  chieftain  collected  our 
tribe  like  the  leaves  of  the  forest,  I  might  now  yell  till 
the  cows  come  home  without  bringing  out  a  quorum. 

113 


OLD   AND   NEW.  113 

"  "We  are  fading  away  before  the  march  of  the  pale- 
face, and  sinking  into  oblivion  like  the  snowflake  on 
the  bosom  af  the  Stinking  Water. 

"  Warriors,  I  am  the  last  of  a  mighty  race.  We 
were  a  race  of  chieftams.  Alas  !  we  will  soon  be  gone. 
The  Bull  family  will  soon  pass  from  the  face  of  the 
earth.  Ole  is  gone,  and  John  is  failing,  and  I  don't  feel 
very  well  myself.  We  are  the  victims  q2  the  paleface, 
and  our  lands  are  taken  away. 

"A  few  more  suns,  and  the  civihzation,  and  valley 
tan,  and  hand  made  sour  mash,  and  horse  liniment  of 
the  paleface  will  have  done  their  deadly  work. 

"  Our  squaws  and  pappooses  are  scattered  to  the  four 
winds  of  heaven ;  and  we  are  left  desolate. 

"Where  is  The  Daughter-of-the-Tem  pest?  Where 
is  The-Wall-Eyed-Maiden-With-the-Peeled-Nose  ? 

"Where  is  Victoria  Regina  Dei  Gracia  Sitting  Bull? 
Where  is  Knock-Kneed  Chemiloon?  Where  are  Sway- 
Back  Sue  and  Meek-Eyed  Government  Socks  ? 

"They  have  sunk  beneath  the  fire-waters  of  the  gog- 
gle-eyed Caucasian.  They  have  succumbed  to  the  de- 
lirum  triangles,  and  when  I  call  them  they  come  not. 
They  do  not  hear  my  voice.  Their  moans  are  heard 
upon  the  still  night  air,  and  they  cry  for  revenge.  Look 
at  the  sad  remnant  of  the  family  of  Sitting  Bull,  your 
chief.  One  sore-eyed  squaw  is  left  alone.  Her  face  is 
furrowed  o'er  with  the  famine  of  many  winters,  and 
her  nose  is  only  the  ruin  of  its  former  greatness.  Her 
moccasins  are  worn  out,  and  the  soldier  pants  she  wears 
are  too  long  for  her.  She  is  drunk  also.  She  is  not  as 
drunk  as  she  can  get,  but  she  is  hopeful  and  persever- 
ing. She  has  also  learned  to  lie  like  the  white  man.  She 
8 


114:  BILL   NYE's    CHESTNUTS 

is  now  an  easy,  extemporaneous  liar.  When  we  gather 
around  the  camp  fire  and  enact  our  untutored  lies  in 
the  gloaming,  Lucrctla  Borgia  Skowhegan  Sitting  Bull, 
with  the  inspiration  of  six  fingers  of  agency  coffin  var- 
nish, proceeds  to  toll  the  prize  prevarication,  and  then 
the  house  adjourns,  and  nothing  can  be  heard  but  the 
muffled  tread  of  the  agency  corn  beef,  going  out  to  get 
some  fresh  air.  Lucretia  Boro^ia  is  also  becoming 
slovenly.  It  is  evening,  and  yet  she  has  not  donned 
her  evening  dress.  Her  back  hair  is  unkempt,  and  her 
front  hair  is  unbung.  Pretty  soon  I  will  take  a  toma- 
hawk and  bang  it  for  her.  She  seems  despondent  and 
hopeless.  As  she  leans  against  the  trunk  of  a  mighty 
oak  and  scratches  her  back,  3'^ou  can  see  that  her 
thoughts  are  far  away.  Her  other  suspender  is  gone, 
but  she  don't  care  a  cold,  smooth  clam.  She  is  think- 
ing of  her  childhood  da3"s  b}^  the  banks  of  Minnehaha. 

"  Warriors,  we  stand  in  the  moccasins  of  a  mighty 
nation.  We  represent  the  starving  remnant  of  the 
once  powerful  Sioux.  Our  pirogue  stands  idly  on  the 
shore.  I  don't  know  what  a  pirogue  is,  but  it  stands 
idly  on  the  shore. 

"  When  the  spring  flowers  bloom  again,  and  the  grass 
is  green  upon  the  plains,  we  will  once  more  go  upon  the 
warpath.  We  will  avenge  the  wrongs  of  our  nation.  I 
have  not  fully  glutted  mv  vengeance.  I  have  seven  or 
eight  more  gluts  on  hand,  and  we  will  shout  our  war- 
cr}'-  once  more,  and  mutilate  some  more  Anglo-Saxons. 
We  will  silence  the  avenging  cries  of  our  people.  We 
will  spatter  the  green  grass  and  gray  grease  wood  with 
the  gore  of  the  paleface,  and  feed  the  white-livered 
emigrant   to  the  coyote.     We  will  spread  death  and 


OLD   AND   NEW.  115 

desolation  everywhere^  and  fill  the  air  with  gum  over- 
shoes and  remains.  Let  us  yield  up  our  lives  dearly 
while  we  mash  the  paleface  beyond  recognition,  and 
shoot  his  hired  man  so  full  of  holes  that  he  will  look 
like  a  suspension  bridge. 

"  "Warriors,  there  is  our  hunting  ground.  The  buf- 
falo, the  antelope,  the  sage  hen  and  the  jackass  rabbit 
are  ours.  Ours  to  enjoy,  ours  to  perpetuate,  ours  to 
transmit.  The  Great  Spirit  created  these  animals  for 
the  red  man,  and  not  for  the  bilious  tourists,  between 
whose  legs  the  chestnut  sunlight  penetrates  clear  up  to 
his  collar  bone. 

******* 

"  Then  we  will  ride  down  on  the  regular  army,  when 
he  is  thinking  of  something  else,  and  we  will  scare  him 
into  convulsions,  and  our  medicine  men  will  attend  to 
the  convulsions  while  Ave  sample  the  supplies. 

"  Then  we  will  take  some  cold  sliced  Indian  agent 
and  some  bay  rum,  and  go  on  a  picnic. 

"Warriors,  farewell.  Be  virtuous  and  you  will  be 
happy ;  but  you  will  be  lonesome,  sometimes.  Think 
of  what  I  have  said  to  you  about  the  council  fire,  and 
govern  yourselves  accordingly,  "We  will  not  nmrmur 
at  the  celluloid  cracker  and  cast  iron  codfish  ball,  but 
in  the  spring  we  will  have  veal  cutlets  for  breakfast, 
and  peace  commissioner  on  toast  for  dinner.  The 
squaw  of  Sitting  Bull  shall  have  a  new  plug  hat,  and  if 
the  weather  is  severe,  she  shall  have  two  of  them. 

"  "Warriors,  farewell.  I  am  done.  I  have  spoken,  I 
have  nothing  more  to  say.  Sic  semper  domino.  Plum- 
bago erysipelas,  in  hock  eureka,  sciataca,  usufruct,  lim- 
burger,  gobraugh." 


CHESTNUT-BUKR.  XIY. 


THE  AMENDE  HONORABLE. 


Lingering  Traditions — The  Molder  of  Ptiblic  Opin- 
ion—  No  Mirth  in  making  the  Amende  Honor  able  — 
Four  Minutes  to  Decide. 

It  is  rather  interesting  to  watch  the  manner  b}^ 
which  old  customs  have  been  shghtly  changed  and 
handed  down  from  age  to  age.  Pecuharities  of  old 
traditions  still  linger  among  us,  and  are  forked  over  to 
posterity  like  a  wappy-jawed  teapot  or  a  lorg-time 
mortgage.  No  one  can  explain  it,  but  the  fact  still 
remains  patent  that  some  of  the  oddities  of  our  ances- 
tors continue  to  appear,  from  time  to  time,  clothed  in 
the  changing  costumes  of  the  prevailing  fashion. 

Along  with  these  choice  antiquities,  and  carrying 
the  nut-brown  flavor  of  the  dead  and  relentless  years, 
comes  the  amende  honorable.  From  the  original 
amende  in  which  the  offender  appeared  in  public 
clothed  only  in  a  cotton-flannel  shirt,  and  with  a  rope 
about  his  neck  as  an  evidence  of  a  formal  recantation, 
down  to  this  day  when  (sometimes)  the  pale  editor,  in 
a  stickful  of  type,  admits  that  "his  informant  w^as  in 
error,"  the  amende  honorable  has  marched  along  with 
the  easy  tread  of  time.  The  blue-eyed  molder  of  pub- 
lic opinion,  with  one  suspender  hanging  down  at  his 
side,  and  writing  on  a  sheet  of  news-copy  paper,  has  a 
more  extensive  costume,  perhaps,  than  the  old-time 
offender  who  bowed  in  the  dust  in  the  midst  of  the 

116 


OLD   AND   NEW.  119 

great  populace,  and  with  a  halter  under  his  ear  admit- 
ted his  offense,  but  he  does  not  feel  any  more  cheerful 
over  it. 

I  have  been  called  upon  several  times  to  make  the 
amende  honorable,  and  I  admit  that  it  is  not  an  occa 
sion  of  mirth  and  merriment.  People  who  come  into 
the  editorial  office  to  invest  in  a  retraction  are  gener- 
ally very  healthy,  and  have  a  stiff,  reserved  manner 
that  no  cheerfulness  of  hospitality  can  soften. 

I  remember  of  an  accident  of  this  kind  which  oc- 
curred last  summer  in  my  office,  while  I  was  writing 
something  scathing.  A  large  man  with  an  air  of  pro- 
found perspiration  about  him,  and  plaid  flannel  shirt, 
stepped  into  the  middle  of  the  room,  and  breathed  in 
the  air  that  I  was  not  using.  He  said  he  would  give 
me  four  minutes  in  which  to  retract,  and  pulled  out  a 
watch  by  which  to  ascertam  the  exact  time.  I  asked 
him  if  he  would  not  allow  me  a  moment  or  two  to  go 
over  to  the  telegraph  office  and  to  wire  my  parents  of 
my  awful  death.  He  said  I  could  walk  out  of  that 
door  when  I  walked  over  his  dead  body.  Then  I  waited 
a  long  time,  until  he  told  me  my  time  was  up,  and 
asked  what  I  was  waiting  for.  I  told  him  1  was  wait- 
ing for  him  to  die,  so  that  I  could  walk  over  his  dead 
body.  How  could  I  walk  over  a  corpse  until  life  was 
extinct? 

He  stood  and  looked  at  me  first  in  astonishment, 
afterward  in  pity.  Finally  tears  welled  up  in  his  eyes, 
and  plowed  their  way  down  his  brown  and  grimy  face. 
Then  he  said  that  I  need  not  fear  him.  "You  are 
safe,"  said  he.  "  A  youth  who  is  so  patient  and  so 
cheerful  as  you  are  —  who  would  wait  for  a  healthy 


120  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

man  to  die  so  that  you  could  meander  over  his  pulse- 
less remnants,  ought  not  to  die  a  violent  death.  A 
soft-eyed  seraph  like  you,  who  is  no  more  conver- 
sant with  the  ways  of  this  world  than  that,  ought  to 
be  put  in  a  glass  vial  of  alcohol  and  preserved.  I 
came  up  here  to  kill  you  and  throw"  you  in  the  rain- 
water barrel,  but  now  that  I  know  what  a  patient  dis- 
position you  have,  I  shudder  to  think  of  the  crime  I 
was  about  to  commit." 


SWEET  INFLUENCES  OF  CHANGING  SEASONS. 

It  is  strange  that  the  human  heart  is  so  easily  in- 
fluenced by  the  change  of  seasons ;  and  although  spring 
succeeds  winter,  and  summer  follows  upon  the  heels  of 
spring,  just  as  it  did  centuries  ago,  yet  the  transition 
from  one  to  the  other  is  ever  new  and  pleasing,  and  the 
bosom  is  gladdened  with  the  cheering  assurance  of 
spring,  or  the  promise  of  the  coming  summer  time,  with 
its  wealth  of  golden  days,  its  cucumbers  and  vinegar, 
its  green  corn,  its  string  beans,  its  base-ball,  its  mam- 
motli  circus,  its  fragrant  flowers,  and  its  soda  water 
flavored  with  syrup  from  a  long-necked,  wicker-cov- 
ered bottle,  just  as  it  was  in  the  days  of  Pharoah,  and 
Hannibal,  and  Andrew  Jackson. 


THE  MARCH  OF  CIVILIZATION. 

"  Spokane  Ike,"  the  Indian  who  killed  a  doctor  last 
summer  for  failing  to  cure  liis  child,  has  been  lianged. 
This  sliows  the  onward  march  of  civilization,  and 
vouchsafes  to  us  the  time  when  a  doctor's  life  will  be 
in  less  danger  than  that  of  his  patient. 


CHESTNUT-BUKE.    XV. 


A  BIG  CORNER  ON  PORK. 


Independent  Order  of  Forty  Liars  —  Brother  Jedediah 
Ilolcomb  —  The  Ifufied  Tread  of  Many  Feet  — 
Leader  of  the  Trusty  Phalanx  —  The  most  noble 
Prevaricator. 

At  a  regular  round-up  of  the  Rocky  Mountain  divis- 
ion of  the  Independent  Order  of  Forty  Liars,  on  Satur- 
day evening,  the  most  noble  prevaricator  having 
directed  the  breath-tester  to  examine  all  present  to  see 
that  they  were  m  possession  of  the  annual  password, 
explanations  and  signals,  and  to  report  to  the  most 
noble  promoter  of  twenty-seven  karat  falsehoods 
whether  all  were  so  qualified  to  remain,  and  the  report 
having  been  satisfactory,  the  most  noble  prevaricator 
announced  that  after  the  report  of  the  custodian  of 
campaign  lies  for  the  past  year  and  the  annual  state- 
ments of  the  division  bartender  and  most  noble  beer- 
yanker  had  been  handed  in  and  passed  upon,  the  next 
business  to  come  before  the  division  would  be  the  nomi- 
nations and  the  election  of  most  noble  prevaricator  to 
serve  during  the  year  1887. 

"  Under  the  rules  of  our  order,"  said  the  M.  N".  P., 
"  ten  minutes  will  be  given  each  aspirant  for  the  office 
named  in  which  to  address  the  meeting.  It  is  under- 
stood that  the  time  shall  be  devoted  to  short  anecdotes, 
personal  reminiscences,  etc.,  and  the  brethren  will  be 
given  ample  scope  to  enlarge  upon  any  details  which 

121 


122  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

the  subject  may  suggest.  Our  usual  custom  is  to  devote 
at  least  one  hour  to  this  highly  entertaining  exercise, 
and  I  call  to  mind  now  some  of  the  most  enjoyable 
moments  of  my  life  spent  in  listening  to  others  or  in 
constructing  for  the  amusement  of  others  a  few  of  the 
most  entertaining  and  instructive  falsehoods  that  the 
history  of  our  most  noble  order  has  known. 

"  We  have  several  prominent  visiting  members  here 
from  other  parts  of  the  country,  among  whom  I  am 
gratified  to  name  Brother  Eli  Perkins,  Brother  O'Keefe, 
of  Pike's  Peak,  and  Brothers  Morey  and  Barnum,  from 
the  East,  who  will  address  the  meeting,  perhaps,  for  a 
few  moments  after  other  business  has  been  disposed 
of." 

After  singing  the  opening  ode,  accompanied  by  the 
lyre,  the  usual  order  of  business  having  been  attended 
to,  the  addresses  of  aspirants  for  the  oflBce  of  M.  N.  P. 
of  the  Eocky  Mountain  division  were  called  for. 

The  last  speaker  was  Brother  Jedediah  Holcomb, 
who  thus  addressed  the  assemblage : 

"Most  noble  prevaricator  of  the  Kocky  Mountain 
division  of  Forty  Liars,  and  brethren  of  the  order: 
Many  years  ago,  when  I  was  a  mere  stripling,  as  it 
were,  and  just  upon  the  verge  of  manhood,  so  to  speak, 
I  was  sitting  on  the  green  grass  south  of  Chicago,  near 
where  Drexel  boulevard  comes  into  South  Park,  think- 
ing of  my  hard  luck  and  wishing  that  my  future  might 
be  more  prosperous  than  my  past. 

"  That  locality  was  then  a  howling  wilderness  com- 
pared with  what  it  is  now,  and  where  to-day  the  beau- 
tiful drives  and  walks  are  so  inviting  there  was  nothing 


'I  LED  THE  TRUSTY  PHAI-ANX  DOWN  TO  THE  STOCK  YARDS. 


OLD    AND    NEW.  125 

tLicn  but  prairie  and  swamp,  with  here  and  there  a 
scrub  oak  tree. 

"Chicago  was  a  stirring  western  city  then,  but  she 
was  young  and  smalL  She  had  not  then  accumuhxtod 
the  fabulous  wealth  of  new  and  peculiar  metropolitan 
odors  which  she  now  enjoys,  and  in  pLice  of  the  rich, 
fructifying  fragi'ance  of  the  stock  yards,  thei"e  was 
nothing  but  the  wild  honeysuckle  and  the  dead  horse. 

"Out  where  some  of  the  most  beautiful  residences 
now  stand  there  was  nothing  then  but  the  dank  thistle 
nodding  in  the  wind,  or  the  timid  picnic  bumble  bee, 
hanging  on  the  autumn  bough  and  yearning  to  be 
gathered  in  by  the  small  bo3\ 

"  As  I  sat  there  long  ago,  ana,  shrouded  in  the  Sep- 
tember haze,  was  dreaming  of  a  fortunate  future  for 
myself,  I  heard  the  muffled  tread  of  innumerable  feet 
drawing  nearer  and  nearer.  The  sound  was  like  the 
footfall  of  a  regiment  of  infantry  approaching,  and  I 
arose  to  see  what  it  was. 

"I  had  not  long  to  wait,  for  soon  ther3  hove  in  sight 
a  very  singular  spectacle.  First  came  a  lai'ge  Illinois 
hog  at  the  head  of  a  long  column  of  Illinois  hogs,  all 
marching  in  Indian  fashion,  and  grunting  with  that 
placid,  gentle  grunt  which  the  hog  carries  with  him. 
On  closer  examination  into  this  singular  phenomenon, 
I  saw  that  all  the  hogs,  except  the  leader,  were  blind, 
each  animal  having  his  predecessor's  tail  in  his  mouth 
throughout  the  long  line,  consisting  of  13,521  unfoitu- 
nate,  sightless  hogs,  cheerfully  following  their  leader 
toward  water. 

"  I  was  never  so  struck  with  the  vfonderful  instinct 
of  the  brute  creation  in  my  life,  and  my  eyes  filled  with 


126  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

tears  when  I  saw  the  child-like  faith  and  confidence  of 
each  blind  animal  following  with  imDlicit  trust  the 
more  fortunate  guide. 

"  Soon,  however,  a  great  dazzling  three-cornered 
idea  worked  its  way  into  my  intellect.  Dashing  away 
my  idle  tears,  I  drew  my  revolver  and  shot  off  the  lead- 
er's tail,  leaving::  the  lonj?  line  of  disconcerted  and  aim- 
less  hogs  in  the  middle  of  a  broad  prairie,  with  no 
guide  but  the  dephlogisticated  tail  of  a  hog  who  was 
then  three  quarters  of  a  mile  away. 

"Then  I  stole  up,  and  taking  the  gory  tail  in  my 
hand,  I  led  the  trusting  phalanx  down  to  the  stock 
yards  and  sold  the  outfit  at  eight  cents,  live  weight. 

"  This  w^as  the  start  of  my  dazzling  career  as  a  capi- 
talist, a  career  to  wdiich  I  now  point  wntli  pride.  Thus 
from  a  poor  boy  with  one  suspender  and  a  sore  toe,  I 
have  risen  to  be  one  of  our  leading  business  men, 
known  and  respected  by  all,  and  by  industry  and  econ- 
omy, and  borrowing  my  chewing  tobacco,  I  have  come 
to  be  one  of  our  solid  men.'' 

When  Brother  Ilolcomb  ceased  to  speak,  there  was 
a  painful  silence  of  perhaps  five  moments,  and  then 
Brother  Woodtick  Williams  moved  that  the  rules  be 
suspended,  and  Brother  Holcomb  declared  the  unani- 
mous choice  of  the  order  for  the  most  noble  prevari- 
cator, to  serve  sine  die. 

Passed. 

Then  the  quartette  sang  the  closing  ode,  and  each 
member,  after  hanging  up  his  regalia  in  the  ante  room, 
walked  thoughtfully  home  in  the  crisp  winter  starlight. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.  XVI. 


PATRICK  OLESON. 


The  Banks  of  the  Pulgarlic  River — Patrick  Fireman  on 
259 — The  Goal  Was  Reached — The  Story  only  Par- 
tially True. 

Many  years  ago,  on  the  banks  of  the  Pulgarlic  river, 
lived  a  poor  boy  named  Patrick  Oleson.  When  Pat- 
rick was  only  a  year  old,  his  father  and  mother  got 
into  a  little  diificulty,  in  which  the  mother  was  killed. 
The  father,  as  soon  as  he  regained  his  composure,  saw 
that  he  had  gone  too  far,  and  when  the  sheriff  came 
and  marched  him  off  to  jail,  he  frankly  confessed  that 
he  had  been  perhaps  too  hasty. 

Still,  public  opinion  seemed  turned  against  him  ;  and 
in  the  following  spring  Patrick's  father  was  unani- 
mously chosen  by  a  convention  of  six  property-holders 
of  the  county  to  jump  from  a  new  pine  platform  into 
the  sweet  subsequently. 

The  affair  was  a  success,  and  Patrick  was  left  an 
orphan  at  the  tender  age  of  one  and  one-half  years  to 
wrestle  for  himself.  His  first  impulse  was  to  write 
humorous  letters  to  the  press,  and  thus  become  afflu- 
ent; but  the  papers  that  were  solvent  returned  his 
letters,  and  the  papers  that  accepted  them  busted  the 
subsequent  autumn.  So  Patrick  decided  that  as  soon 
as  he  could  complete  a  college  course  that  would  fit 
him  for  the  position,  he  would  either  enter  the  ministry 
or  become  a  railroad  man. 

127 


128  BILL   NYE  S   CHESTNUTS 

While  at  college  he  read  the  story  of  an  engineer 
who  had  saved  the  life  of  a  little  child  by  grabbing  it 
from  the  cow-catcher  while  the  train  was  going  at  light- 
ning speed,  and,  as  a  result,  was  promoted  to  general 
passenger  agent  of  the  road. 

So  Patrick  decided  to  be  a  railroad  man  and  save 
some  children  from  being  squashed  by  the  train,  so 
that  he  could  be  promoted  and  get  a  big  salary.  He 
therefore  studied  to  fit  himself  for  the  position  to  which 
he  aspired,  and  after  five  years'  hard  study  he  gradu- 
ated with  high  honors  and  a  torpid  liver. 

He  then  sought  out  a  good  paying  road  that  he 
thought  he  would  eventuall}^  like  to  be  president  of, 
and  aj)plied  for  a  position  on  it. 

By  waiting  till  the  following  spring  he  got  a  job 
braking  extra,  averaging  $13  per  month,  till  one  day 
he  screwed  up  a  brake  too  tight  and  wore  out  a  wheel 
on  the  caboose.  After  that  he  was  called  into  the 
office  of  the  superintendent,  as  Patrick  supposed,  to 
take  the  superintendent's  place,  perhaps ;  but  the  su- 
perintendent swore  at  him,  and  called  him  Flatwheel 
Oleson,  and  told  him  he  had  better  hoe  corn  and 
smash  potato-bugs  for  a  livelihood. 

Patrick  felt  hurt  and  grieved,  and,  more  in  sorrow 
than  in  anger,  he  got  the  oriental  grand  bounce,  and 
had  to  rustle  for  another  job.  This  time  he  tried  to 
secure  the  position  of  master  mechanic  ;  but  when  the 
road  to  which  he  applied  found  out  that  he  didn't 
know  the  difference  between  the  cow-catcher  and  the 
automatic  air  brake,  Patrick  was  appointed  as  assist- 
ant polisher  and  wiper  extraordinary  at  the  round- 
house. 


OLD    AND   NEW.  129 

All  this  time  he  never  drnnk  a  dro]-)  or  littered  a  pro- 
fane word,  Ko  matter  liow  mncli  he  was  imposed 
upon,  he  never  got  mad  or  qiiai'reled  with  the  other 
men.  He  sometimes  felt  sorely  tried,  l)iit  he  saw  that 
other  railroad  men  did  not  swear,  so  he  did  not. 

After  nine  years  of  mental  strain  in  the  round-house, 
he  was  put  on  the  road  as  a  fireman  on  259 ;  he  was 
now,  after  sixteen  years'  hard  study  and  perseverance, 
on  the  road  to  promotion. 

Just  as  soon  as  he  could  find  a  child  on  the  track, 
some  day,  and  snatch  the  innocent  little  thing  from 
the  jaws  of  death,  he  felt  that  he  would  be  solid. 
Sometimes  he  would  allow  his  mind  to  dwell  on  this 
subject  so  long  that  his  fire  would  go  out  and  the  engin- 
eer would  report  him,  and  the  old  man  would  lay  him 
off  to  give  him  a  chance  to  think  it  over. 

Three  years  Patrick  fired  on  259,  and  there  wasn't  a 
child  that  got  within  1,300  feet  of  the  track  when  his 
engine  came  by.  They  seemed  to  know  that  Patrick 
was  perishing  to  save  a  child  from  being  flattened  out 
by  the  train. 

He  began  to  get  discouraged.  He  said  he  would  try 
it  another  year,  and  if  he  failed  he  would  have  to  give 
up  railroading  and  go  to  Congress. 

One  day  he  had  just  fired  up  the  259  in  good  shape 
and  looked  out  of  the  window  ahead,  when  he  saw  a 
little  child  toddling  along  toward  them  and  only  a  few 
yards  away,  while  the  engine  shrieked  like  a  demon, 
and  the  little  chubby  baby  came  on  toward  the  rush- 
ing monster,  whose  hot  breath,  with  short,  sharp 
hisses,  rushed  through  the  June  morning. 

Patrick  felt  that  the  joy  or  sorrow  of  a  whole  life- 
9 


3  30  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

time  was  in  store  for  him.  It  was  not  only  life  oi 
death  to  the  joyous  parents,  but  it  was  the  culmination 
of  the  hopes  and  fears,  the  agony,  the  self-denial  and 
disappointments  of  his  whole  life,  and  the  opening  up 
of  a  new  future  to  him,  or  it  was  another  lost  oppor- 
tunity and  the  continuation  of  along,  dreary,  unevent- 
ful journey  to  the  grave. 

He  was  out  on  the  pilot  in  an  instant.  He  did  not 
breathe.  The  rushing  engine  trembled  beneath  liini, 
and  like  a  flash  the  still  laughing  child  was  in  his  strong 
arms. 

He  had  triumphed.  The  goal  was  reached.  The 
great  sti'uggle  was  over,  and  in  a  few  days  he  would 
be  president  of  the  road.  He  got  home,  and  a  man 
came  toward  him  with  a  document  of  some  kind.  His 
breath  came  short  and  hard.  It  was  probably  his  cre- 
dentials as  president  of  the  road.  He  took  it  and 
read  it  over  in  a  sort  of  dream.  It  was  only  a  notice 
that  his  board  bill  had  been  garnisheed,  and  the  super- 
intendent told  him  that  he  must  pay  it  or  the  com- 
pany would  have  to  squeeze  along  without  his  seivices. 

In  the  morning  the  papers  had  a  short  account  of 
Patrick's  bravery,  but  it  was  spoken  of  simply  as  "an 
almost  fatal  accident,"  and  Patrick's  name  a})peared 
as  Ole  Fitzpatrick.  He  began  to  feel  that  he  wasn't 
getting  a  fair  shake.  His  promotion  to  the  presidency 
of  the  road  seemed  to  lag.  There  was  a  hitch  in  the 
senate  probably  about  his  confirmation  or  something 
of  that  kind.  The  acting  president  of  the  corpora- 
tion selfishly  retained  his  position,  and  looked  so 
healthy,  and  seemed  so  pleased  with  himself  that  Pat- 
rick lost  all  patience. 


OLD   AND    NE\  131 

One  day  a  man  with  a  wart  on  his  nose  met  Patrick 
on  the  street  and  asked  him  if  he  was  the  gallant  fire- 
man of  259  who  saved  a  little  child  a  week  or  two 
ago. 

Patrick  said  he  was. 

The  man  grasped  his  hand  and  said  : 

"  That  was  my  child.  It  was  almost  the  only  child 
I  had.  I  only  had  nine  others,  and  would  have  been 
almost  childless  if  little  James  Abraham  Garfield  had 
been  busted.  Yon  have  done  a  brave,  noble  act,  and 
the  Lord  will  reward  you.  I  am  a  poor  man,  as  you 
would  readily  guess  by  my  clothing  and  the  fact  that 
we  have  ten  children.  I  cannot  reward  you  with 
wealth  or  position,  but  I  don't  want  to  seem  ungrate- 
ful or  close  or  contiguous.  Come  with  me  my  bene- 
factor, and  I  will  shake  you  for  the  drinks." 

Then  Patrick  Oleson  went  away  where  he  could  be 
alone  with  his  surging  thoughts.  He  is  now  running 
a  hurdy-gurdy  in  the  San  Juan  country. 

This  story  is  only  partially  true.  The  main  fact, 
however,  viz. ;  that  a  child  wasn't  run  over  by  a  train, 
is  true.  It  is  different  from  most  stories  about  saving 
children  ;  but  the  spring  style  of  story  is  a  little  dif- 
ferent from  that  of  former  seasons,  anyway. 

In  the  spring  style  of  prevarication,  the  engineer 
will  either  fail  to  grab  the  child  in  time  and  there  will 
be  nothing  left  on  the  track  but  a  gingham  apron  and 
a  grease  spot,  or,  if  he  succeeds  in  saving  the  child,  he 
will  not  get  the  position  of  sergeant-at-arms  and  a 
gold-headed  cane,  as  was  formerly  the  style. 


132  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

PLEASURES  OF  SPRING. 
Spring  is  the  most  joyful  season  of  the  year.  The 
little  brooklets  are  released  from  their  icy  fetters,  and 
go  laughing  and  rippling  along  their  winding  way. 
Tlie  birds  begin  to  sing  in  the  budding  branches,  and 
the  soft  south  wind  calls  forth  the  green  grass.  The 
husbandman  then  goes  forth  to  dig  the  horseradish  for 
his  frugal  meal.  He  also  jabs  8iis  finger  into  the  rose- 
bud mouth  of  the  wild-eyed  calf,  and  proceeds  to  wean 
him  from  the  gentle  cow.  The  cow-boy  goes  forth 
humming  a  jocund  lay.  So  does  the  hen.  Boys  should 
not  go  near  the  hen  while  she  is  occupied  with  her 
tuneful  lay.  She  might  seize  tliem  by  the  off  ear,  and 
bear  them  away  to  her  den,  and  feed  them  to  her 
young.  The  hen  rises  early  in  the  morning  so  as  to 
catch  the  swift-footed  angleworm  as  he  flits  from 
flower  to  flower.     The  angleworm  cannot  bite. 

AN  UNCLOUDED  WELCOME. 

N.  P.  "Willis  once  said  :  "  The  sweetest  thing  in  life 
is  the  unclouded  welcome  of  a  wife."  This  is  true, 
indeed,  but  when  her  welcome  is  clouded  with  an  at- 
mosphere of  angry  words  and  coal  scuttles,  there  is 
something  about  it  that  makes  a  man  want  to  go  out 
in  the  woodshed  and  sleep  on  the  ice-chest. 

TOO  MUCH  GOD  AND  NO  FLOUR. 
Old  Chief  Pocotello,  now  at  the  Fort  Hall  agency, 
in  answer  to  an  inquiry  relative  to  the  true  Christian 
character  of  a  former  Indian  agent  at  that  place,  gave 
in  very  terse  language  the  most  accurate  description  of 
a  hypocrite  that  was  ever  given  to  the  public.  "  Ugh  I 
Too  much  God  and  no  flour." 


CHESTNUT-BTJKE.    XYH. 


LONGING  FOR  HOME. 


Tom  FagaiTLS  Wild  Horse  —  His  Peculiar  Taste  in 
Lunches  —  Not  an  Arabian  Steed,  htit  of  Wyoming 
Descent  —  He  Yearns  for  his  old  Home. 

Tom  Fagan,  of  this  city,  has  a  wild  horse  that  don't 
seem  to  take  to  the  rush  and  hurry  and  turmoil  of  a 
metropolis.  He  has  been  so  accustomed  to  the  glad, 
free  air  of  the  plains  and  mountains  that  the  hampered 
and  false  life  of  a  throbbing  city,  with  its  myriad  indus- 
tries, makes  him  nervous  and  unhappy.  He  sighs  for 
the  boundless  prairie  and  the  pure  breath  of  the  life- 
giving  mountain  atmosphere.  So  taciturn  is  he  in 
fact,  and  so  cursed  by  homesickness  and  weariness  of 
an  artificial  and  unnatural  liorse  society  here  in  Lai'a- 
mie,  that  he  refuses  to  eat  anything  and  is  graduall}"^ 
pining  away.  Sometimes  he  takes  a  light  lunch  out  of 
Mr.  Fagan's  arm,  but  for  days  and  days  he  utterly 
loathes  food.  He  also  loathes  those  who  try  to  go  into 
the  stable  and  fondle  him.  He  isn't  apparently  very 
much  on  the  fondle.  He  don't  yearn  for  human  society, 
but  seems  to  want  to  be  by  himself  and  think  it  over. 

The  wild  horse  in  stories  soon  learns  to  love  his 
master  and  stay  by  him  and  carry  him  through  flood 
or  fire,  and  generally  knows  more  than  the  Cyclopedia 
Brittanica',  but  this  horse  is  not  the  historical  horse 
that  they  put  into  wild  Arabian  falsehoods.  He  is  just 
a  plain,  unassuming  wild  horse  of  Wvoming  descent, 

133 


13f'  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

whose  pedigree  is  slightly  clouded,  and  who  is  sensitive 
on  the  question-  of  his  ancestry.  All  he  wants  is  just 
to  be  let  alone,  and  most  everybody  has  decided  that 
he  is  right.  They  came  to  that  conclusion  after  they 
had  soaked  their  persons  in  arnica  and  glued  them- 
selves together  with  poultices. 

Perhaps,  after  a  while,  he  will  conclude  to  eat  hay 
and  grow  up  with  the  country,  but  now  he  sighs  for 
his  native  bunch-grass  and  the  buffalo  wallow  wherein 
he  has  heretofore  made  his  lair.  We  don't  wonder 
much,  though,  that  a  horse  who  has  lived  in  the  country 
should  be  a  little  rattled  here  when  he  finds  the  electric 
light,  and  bicycles,  and  lawn  mowers,  and  Uncle  Tom's 
Cabin  troupes,  and  baled  hay  at  $20  per  ton.  It  makes 
him  as  wild  and. skittish  as  it  does  an  eighteen-year-old 
girl  the  first  time  she  comes  into  town,  and  for  the  first 
time  is  met  by  the  blare  of  trumpets,  and  the  oriental 
wealth  of  the  circus  with  its  deformed  camels  and  uni- 
formed tramps  driving  its  miles  of  cages  with  no  ani- 
mals in  them.  The  great  natural  world  and  the  giddy 
maelstrom  of  seething,  perspiring  humanity,  peculiar 
to  the  city  world,  are  two  separate  and  distinct  ex- 
istences. 


DIGNITY. 
Dignity  does  not  draw.  It  answers  in  place  of  intel- 
lectual tone  for  twenty  minutes,  but  after  awhile  it 
fails  to  get  there.  Dignity  works  all  right  in  a  wooden 
Indian  or  a  drum  major,  but  the  man  who  desires  to 
draw  a  salary  through  life  and  to  be  sure  of  a  visible 
means  of  support,  will  do  well  to  make  some  other 
provision  than  a  haughty  look  and  the  air  of  patron- 
acre. 


CHESTNUT-BUKR.    XYIII. 


THE  TRUE  HISTORY  OP  DAMON  AND  PYTHIAS. 


Dionysi'us  the  Elder  — Paris  Green  in  the  Pie  — Damon 
and  Pythias  —  Pythias  dbont  to  Be  Sacrificed —  The 
Solitary  Horseman  Puts  m  an  Appearance. 

CHAPTER   I. 

The  romantic  story  of  Damon  and  Pythias,  which 
has  been  celebrated  in  verse  and  song-  for  over  two 
tliousand  years,  is  supposed  to  have  originated  during 
the  reign  of  Dionysius  I,  or  Dionysius  the  Elder  as  he 
was  also  called,  who  resigned  about  350  years  b.  c. 
He  must  have  been  called  "  The  Elder,"  more  for  a  joke 
than  anything  else,  as  he  was  by  inclination  a  Uni- 
tarian, although  he  was  never  a  member  of  any  church 
whatever,  and  was,  in  fact,  the  wickedest  man  in  all 
Syracuse. 

Dionysius  arose  to  the  throne  from  the  ranks,  and 
used  to  call  himself  a  self  made  man.  He  was  tyran- 
nical, severe  and  selfish,  as  all  self-made  men  are.  Self- 
made  men  are  very  prone  to  usurp  the  prerogative  of 
the  Almighty  and  overwork  themselves.  They  are  not 
satisfied  with  the  position  of  division  superintendent  of 
creation,  but  they  want  to  be  most  worthy  high  grand 
muck-amuck  of  the  entire  ranch,  or  their  lives  are 
gloomy  fizzles. 

Dionysius  was  indeed  so  odious  and  so  overbearing 
toward  his  subjects  that  he  lived  in  constant  fear  of 
assassination  at  their  hands.    This  fear  robbed  him  of 

137 


138  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

his  rest  and  rendered  life  a  dreary  waste  to  the  tyran- 
nical king.  He  lived  in  constant  dread  that  each 
previous  moment  would  be  followed  by  the  succeeding 
one.  He  would  eat  a  hearty  supper  and  retire  to  rest, 
but  the  night  would  be  cursed  with  horrid  dreams  of 
the  Scythians  and  White  Kiver  Utes  peeling  olf  liis 
epidermis  and  throwing  him  into  a  boiling  cauldron 
with  red  pepper  and  other  counter-irritants,  while  they 
danced  the  Highland  fling  around  this  royal  barbecue. 

Even  his  own  wife  and  children  were  forbidden  to 
enter  his  presence  for  fear  that  they  would  put  "  barn 
arsenic"  in  the  blanc-mange  or  "Cosgrove  arsenic"  in 
the  pancakes,  or  Paris  green  in  the  pie. 

During  his  reign  he  had  constructed  an  immense 
subterranean  cavernous  arrangement,  called  the  Ear  of 
Dionysius,  because  it  resembled  in  shape  and  general 
telephonic  power,  the  human  ear.  It  was  the  largest 
ear  on  record.  One  day  a  workman  expressed  the  de- 
sire to  erect  a  similar  ear  of  tin  or  galvanized  iron  on 
old  Di.  himself.  Some  one  "  blowed  on  him,"  and  the 
next  morning  his  head  was  thumping  about  in  the 
waste  paper  basket  at  the  General  Office.  When  one 
of  the  king's  subjects,  who  thought  he  was  solid  with 
the  administration,  would  sa}':  "  Beyond  the  possibility 
of  a  doubt,  3^ourMost  Serene  Highness  is  the  kind  and 
'(oving  guardian  of  his  people,  and  the  idol  of  his  sub- 
jects," His  Royal  Tallness  would  say,  "What  ye  givin' 
us?  Do  3^ou  wish  to  ])lay  the  Most  Sublime  Overseer 
of  the  Universe  and  General  Ticket  Agent  Plenipoten- 
tiary for  a  Chinaman  ?  Ha ! !  !  You  cannot  fill  up  the 
King  of  Syracuse  with  taffy."  Then  he  ^vould  order 
the  chief  executioner  to  run  the  man  through  the  royal 


OLD    AND    NEW.  139 

sausage  grinder,  ana  tlirow  him  into  the  Mediterranean. 
In  this  way  the  sausage-grinder  was  kept  running  night 
and  day,  and  the  chief  engineer  who  ran  the  machine 
made  double  time  every  month. 

CHAPTER    II. 

I  will  now  bring  in  Damon  and  Pythias. 

Damon  and  P^^thias  were  named  after  a  popular 
secret  organization  because  they  were  so  solid  on  each 
other.  They  thought  more  of  one  another  than  any- 
body. TJiey  borrowed  chewing  tobacco,  and  were 
always  sociable  and  pleasant.  They  slept  together, 
and  unitedly  '* stood  olf ""  the  landlady  from  month  to 
month  in  the  most  cheerful  and  harmonious  manner. 
If  Pythijis  snored  in  the  night  like  the  blast  of  a  fog 
horn,  Damon  did  not  get  mad  and  kick  him  in  the 
stomach  as  some  would.  He  gently  but  firmly  took 
liim  by  the  nose  and  lifted  him  up  and  down  to  the 
merry  rythm  of  "The  Babies  in  Our  Block." 

They  loved  one  another  in  season  and  out  of  season. 
Their  affection  was  like  the  soft  bloom  on  the  nose  of 
a  W3^oming  legislator.  It  never  grew  pale  or  wilted. 
It  was  always  there.  If  Damon  were  at  the  bat, 
Pythias  was  on  deck.  If  Damon  went  to  a  church  fair 
and  invited  starvation,  Pythias  would  go,  too,  and  vote 
on  the  handsomest  baby  till  the  First  National  Bank 
of  Syracuse  would  refuse  to  honor  his  checks. 

But  one  day  Damon  got  too  much  budge  and  told 
the  venerable  and  colossal  old  royal  bummer  of  Syra- 
cuse what  he  thought  of  him.  Then  Dionysius  told 
the  chief  engineer  of  the  sausage  grinder  to  turn  on 
steam  and  jprepare  for  business.      But  Damon  thought 


140  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

of  Pythias,  and  how  Pythias  hadn't  so  much  to  live  for 
as  he  had.  and  he  made  a  compromise  by  offering  to 
put  Pythias  in  soak  while  the  only  genuine  Damon 
Avent  to  see  his  girl,  who  lived  at  Albany.  Three  days 
were  given  him  to  get  around  and  redeem  Pythias,  and 
if  he  failed  his  friend  would  go  to  protest. 

CHAPTER   III. 

We  will  now  suppose  three  days  to  have  elapsed 
since  the  preceding  chapter.  A  large  party  of  enthu- 
siastic citizens  of  Syracuse  are  gathered  around  the 
grand  stand,  and  Pythias  is  on  the  platform  cheerfully 
taking  off  his  coat.  Near  by  stands  a  man  with  a 
broad-axe.  The  Syracuse  silver  cornet  band  has  just 
played  "  It's  funny  when  you  feel  that  way,"  and  the 
chaplain  has  made  a  long  prayer,  Pythias  sliding  a 
trade  dollar  into  his  hand  and  whispering  to  him  to 
give  him  his  money's  worth.  The  Declaration  of  Inde- 
pendence has  been  read,  and  the  man  on  the  left  is 
running  his  thumb  playfully  over  the  edge  of  his  meat 
axe.  Pythias  takes  off  his  collar  and  tie,  swearing  softly 
to  himself  at  his  miserable  luck. 

CHAPTER   IV. 

It  is  now  the  proper  time  to  throw  in  the  solitary 
horseman.  The  horizontal  bars  of  golden  Ijght  from 
the  setting  sun  gleam  and  glitter  from  the  dome  of  the 
court-house  and  bathe  the  green  plains  of  Syracuse 
with  mellow  splendor.  The  billowy  piles  of  fleecy 
bronze  in  the  eastern  sky  look  soft  and  yielding,  like  a 
Sarah  Bernhardt.  The  lowing  herd  winds  slowly  o'er 
the  lea,  and  all  nature  seems  oppressed  with  the  solemn 


OLD   AND   NEW.  141 

hush  and  stillness  of  the   surrounding  and   engulfing 
horror. 

The  solitary  horseman  is  seen  coming  along  the 
Albany  and  Syracuse  toll  road.  He  jabs  the  Mexican 
spurs  into  the  foamy  flank  of  his  noble  cayuse  plug, 
and  the  lash  of  the  quirt  as  it  moves  through  the  air  is 
singing  a  merry  song.  Damon  has  been,  delayed  by 
road  agents  and  wash-outs,  and  he  is  a  little  behind 
time.  Besides,  he  fooled  a  little  too  long  and  dallied 
in  Albany  with  his  fair  gazelle.  But  he  is  making  up 
time  now  and  he  sails  into  the  jail  yard  just  in  time  to 
take  his  part.  He  and  Pythias  fall  into  each  other's 
arms,  borrow  a  chew  of  fine  cut  from  each  other  and 
weep  to  slow  music.  Dionysius  comes  before  the  cur- 
tain, bows  and  says  the  exercises  will  be  postponed. 
He  orders  the  band  to  play  something  soothing,  gives 
Damon  the  appointment  of  superintendent  of  public 
instruction,  and  Pythias  the  Sj^racuse  post-office,  and 
everything  is  lovely.  Orchestra  plays  something 
touchful.  Curtain  comes  down.  Keno.  In  hoc  usufruct 
nux  vomica  est. 


A  TRYING  SITUATION. 

"  There  are  a  great  many  things  in  life  which  go  to 
atone  for  the  disappointments  and  sorrows  which  one 
meets,", but  when  a  young  man's  rival  takes  the  fair 
Matilda  to  see  the  base-ball  game,  and  sits  under  an 
umbrella  beside  her,  and  is  at  the  height  of  enjoy- 
ment, and  gets  the  benefit  of  a  "  hot  ball"  in  the  pit  of 
his  stomach,  there  is  a  nameless  joy  settles  down  in  the 
heart  of  the  lonesome  young  man,  such  as  the  world 
can  neither  give  nor  take  away. 


CHESTNUT-BURR  XIX. 


A  STORY  OF  SPOTTED  TAIL. 


Trifling   Incidents   Make   Men     Great.  —  Chief    Big 

2[outh.  —  A  Quarrel  hetween  Big  Mouth  and  Spotted 

Tail.  —  IVie  Tragic  End. 

The  popularity  of  the  above-named  chieftain  dates 
from  a  very  trifling  little  incident,  as  did  that  of  many 
other  men  Avho  are  now  great. 

Spotted  Tail  had  never  won  much  distinction  up  to 
that  time,  except  as  the  owner  of  an  appetite,  in  the 
presence  of  which  his  tribe  stood  in  dumb  and  terrible 
awe. 

During  the  early  days  of  what  is  now  the  great 
throbbing  and  ambitious  West,  the  tribe  camped  near 
Fort  Sedgwick,  and  Big  Mouth,  a  chief  of  some  import- 
a^nce,  used  to  go  over  to  the  post  regularly  for  the  pur- 
pose of  filling  his  brindie  hide  full  of  Fort  Sedgwick 
Bloom  of  Youth. 

As  a  consequence  of  Big  Mouth's  fatal  yearning  for 
liquid  damnation,  he  generally  got  impudent,  and 
openly  announced  on  the  parade  ground  that  he  could 
lick  the  entire  regular  army.  This  used  to  offend  some 
of  the  blood-scarred  heroes  who  had  just  arrived  from 
"West  Point,  and  in  the  heat  of  the  debate  they  would 
Vfarm  the  venerable  warrior  about  two  feet  below  the 
back  of  his  neck  with  the  flat  of  their  sabers. 

This  was  a  gross  insult  to  Big  Mouth,  and  he  went 
back  to  the  camp,  where  he  found  Spotted  Tail  eating 

143 


OLD   AND   KEW.  115 

a  mule  that  had  died  of  inflammatory  rheumatism.  Big 
Mouth  tearfully  told  the  wild  epicure  of  the  way  he 
had  been  treated,  and  asked  for  a  council  of  war. 
Spot  picked  his  teeth  with  a  tent  pin,  and  then  told 
the  defeated  relic  of  a  mighty  race  that  if  he  would 
quit  strong  drink,  he  would  be  subjected  to  fewer 
insults. 

Big  Mouth  then  got  irritated,  and  told  S,  Tail  that 
his  remarks  showed  that  he  was  standing  in  with  the 
aggressor,  and  was  no  friend  to  his  people. 

Spotted  Tail  said  that  Mr.  B.  Mouth  was  a  liar, 
by  yon  high  heaven,  and  before  there  was  time  to 
think  it  over,  he  took  a  butcher  knife,  about  four  feet 
long,  from  its  scabbard  and  cut  Mr.  Big  Mouth  plumb 
in  two  just  between  the  umbilicus  and  the  watch 
pocket. 

As  the  reader  who  is  familiar  with  anatomy  has 
already  surmised,  Big  Mouth  died  from  -the  effects  of 
this  wound,  and  Spotted  Tail  was  at  once  looked  upon 
as  tlie  Moses  of  his  tribe.  He  readily  rose  to  |)romi- 
nence,  and  by  his  strict  attention  to  the  duties  of  his 
office,  made  for  himself  a  name  as  a  v^arrior  and  a  pie 
biter,  at  which  the  world  turned  pale. 

This  should  teach  us  the  importance  of  taking  the 
tide  at  its  flood,  which  leads  on  to  fortune,  and  to  lay 
low  wlien  there  is  a  hen  on,  as  Benjamin  Franklin  has 
so  truly  said. 


CHESTNUT  BUKK.    XX. 


THE  ROMANCE  OF  HORSE-SHOEING. 


Eecreation  taith  a  Bronco  —  Careful  Preparations  - 

The  Bronco  Hump's  Himself   Like    a  Camel  —  The 

Bronco  in  a  SImg  —  The  Bronco  Full  of  Sjririt. 

Recently  I  have  taken  a  little  recreation  when  I  felt 
despondent,  by  witnessing  the  difficult  and  dangerous 
feat  of  shoeing  a  bronco. 

Whenever  I  get  low-spirited  and  feel  that  a  critical 
public  don't  appreciate  my  wonderful  genius  as  a 
spring  poet,  I  go  around  to  Brown  &  Poole's  black- 
smith shop  on  A  street,  and  watch  them  shoe  a  vicious 
bronco.  I  always  go  back  to  the  office  cheered  and 
soothed,  and  better  prepared  to  tight  the  battle  of  life. 

They  have  a  new  rig  now  for  this  purpose.  It  con- 
sists of  two  broad  sinches,  which  together  cover  the 
thorax  and  abdomen  of  the  bronco,  to  the  ends  of 
which — the  sinches,  I  mean — are  attached  ropes,  four 
in  number,  which  each  pass  over  a  pulley  above  the 
animal,  and  then  are  wrapped  about  a  windlass.  The 
bronco  is  led  to  the  proper  position,  like  a  young  man 
who  is  going  to  have  a  photograph  taken,  the  sinches 
slipped  under  his  body  and  attached  to  the  ropes. 

Then  the  man  at  the  wheel  makes  two  or  three  turns 
in  rapid  succession. 

The  bronco  is  seen  to  hump  himself,  like  the  boss 
camel  of  the  grand  aggregation  of  living  wonders.  He 
grunts  a  good  deal  and  switches  his  tail,  while  the 

146 


OLD   AND   NEW.  147 

ropes  continue  to  work  in  the  pulleys,  and  the  man  at 
the  capstan  spits  on  his  hands  and  rolls  up  on  the 
wheel.  After  a  while  the  bronco  hangs  from  the  ceil- 
ing like  a  discouraged  dish  rag,  and  after  trying  for 
two  or  three  hundred  times  unsuccessfully  to  kick  a 
hole  in  the  starry  firmament,  he  yields,  and  hangs  at 
half  mast  while  the  blacksmith  shoes  him„ 

Yesterday  I  felt  as  though  I  must  see  something 
cheerful,  and  so  I  went  over  to  watch  a  bronco  getting 
his  shoes  on  for  the  round-up.  I  was  fortunate.  They 
led  up  a  quiet,  gentlemanly  appearing  plug  with  all 
the  weary,  despondent  air  of  a  disappointed  bronco 
who  has  had  aspirations  for  being  a  circus  horse,  and 
has  "got  left."  When  they  put  the  smches  around 
him  he  sighed  as  though  his  heart  would  break,  and 
his  great,  soulful  eyes  were  wet  with  tears.  One  man 
said  it  was  a  shame  to  put  a  gentle  pony  into  a  sling 
like  that  in  order  to  shoe  him,  and  the  general  feeling 
seemed  to  be  that  a  great  wrong  was  being  perpe- 
trated. 

Gradually  the  ropes  tightened  on  him  and  his  abdo- 
men began  to  disappear.  He  rose  till  he  looked  like 
a  dead  dog  that  had  been  fished  out  of  the  river  with 
a  grappling  iron.  Then  he  gave  a  grunt  that  shook 
the  walls  of  the  firmament,  and  he  reached  out  about 
five  yards  till  his  hind  feet  felt  of  a  greaser's  eye,  and 
with  an  athletic  movement  he  jumped  through  the 
sling  and  lit  on  the  blacksmith's  forge  with  his  head 
about  three  feet  up  the  chimney.  He  proceeded  then 
to  do  some  extra  ground  and  lofty  tumbling  and  kick- 
ing. A  large  anvil  was  held  up  for  him  to  kick  till  he 
tired  himself  out,  and  then  the  blacksmith  put  a  fire 
10 


148  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

and  burglar-proof  safe  over  his  head  and  shod  him. 

The  bronco  is  full  of  spirit,  and,  although  docile 
under  ordinary  circumstances,  he  will  at  times  get 
enthusiastic,  and  do  things  which  he  afterward,  in  his 
sober  moments,  bitterly  regrets. 

Some  broncos  have  formed  the  habit  of  bucking. 
They  do  not  all  buck.  Only  those  that  are  alive  do  so. 
When  they  are  dead  they  are-more  subdued  and  gen- 
tle. 

A  bronco  often  becomes  so  attached  to  his  master 
that  he  will  lay  down  his  life  if  necessary.  His  mas- 
ter's life,  I  mean. 

When  a  bronco  comes  up  to  me  and  lays  his  head 
over  my  shoulder,  and  asks  me  to  scratch  his  chilblain 
for  him,  I  always  excuse  myself  on  the  ground  that  I 
have  a  family  dependent  on  me,  and  furthermore,  that 
I  am  a  United  States  Commissioner,  and  to  a  certain 
extent  the  government  hinges  on  me. 

Think  what  a  ghastly  hole  there  would  be  in  the 
official  staff  of  the  republic  if  I  were  launched  into 
eternity  now,  when  good  men  are  so  scarce. 

Some  days  I  worry  a  good  deal  over  this  question. 
Suppose  that  some  unprincipled  political  enerny  who 
wanted  to  be  United  States  Commissioner  or  I^otary 
Public  in  my  place  should  assassinate  me  ! ! ! 

Lots  of  people  never  see  this.  They  see  hoAV  smooth- 
ly the  machinery  of  government  moves  along,  and  they 
do  not  dream  of  possible  harm.  They  do  not  know 
how  quick  she  might  slip  a  cog,  or  the  eccentric  get 
jammed  through  the  indicator,  if,  some  evening  when 
I  am  at  the  opera  house,  or  the  minstrel  show,  the  as- 


OLD   AND   NEW.  149 

sassin  should  steal  up  on  me,  and  shoot  a  large,  irregu- 
lar aperture  into  my  cerebellum. 

This  may  not  happen,  of  course ;  but  I  suggest  it,  so 
that  the  public  will,  as  it  were,  throw  its  protecting 
arms  about  me,  and  not  neglect  me  while  I  am  alive. 

A  CHILD  S  FAITH. 

During  a  big  thunder  shower  a  while  ago  little  Willie, 
who  slept  up  stairs  alone,  got  scared  and  called  his 
mother,  who  came  up  and^  asked  him  what  he  was 
frightened  about.  Willie  frankly  admitted  that  the 
thunder  was  a  little  too  much  for  a  little  boy  who 
slept  alone. 

"  Well,  if  you  are  afraid,"  said  his  mother,  pushing 
back  the  curls  from  his  forehead,  "  you  should  pray  for 
courage." 

"  All  right,  ma,"  said  Willie,  an  idea  coming  into  his 
head ;  "  suppose  you  stay  up  here  and  pray  while  I  go 
down  stairs  and  sleep  with  paw." 


HOW  TO  PRESERVE  TEETH. 

"  I  find,"  said  an  old  man  to  a  Boomerang  reporter, 
yesterdaj'^,  "  that  there  is  absolutely  no  limit  to  the 
durability  of  the  teeth,  if  they  are  properly  taken  care 
of.  I  never  drink  hot  drinks,  always  brush  my  teeth 
morning  and  evening,  avoid  all  acids  whatever,  and 
although  I  am  sixty-five  years  old,  my  teeth  are  as 
good  as  ever  they  were."  "  And  that  is  all  you  do  to 
preserve  your  teeth,  is  it?"  "Yes,  sir;  that's  all  — 
barring,  perhaps,  the  fact  that  I  put  them  in  a  glass  of 
soft  water  nights." 


CHESTNUT  BURR.  XXI. 


EXPERIENCE  ON  THE  FEVERISH  HORNET. 


Every  Profession  Has  Its  Style —  Not  much  D'lijerence 

in  Folks —  Thnherline  and  Katooter —  Katooter  Was 

a    Very  Smart  Man. 

"  Yes,  that's  so,"  said  Wood  tick  Williams  though  t- 
fully,  as  he  looked  out  across  the  divide  and  beyond 
the  foothills,  toward  the  top  of  the  range  where  the 
eternal  snow  was  glittering  in  the  summer  eun. 

"■  You  are  eminently  correct.  The  gentleman  from 
Buckskin  has  stated  the  exact  opinion  of  the  subscriber, 
sure  as  death  and  semi-annual  assessments. 

"  Every  profession  has  il  s  style  of  lead  and  its  pecu- 
liar dip  toward  the  horizon.  From  the  towering  con- 
gressman, down  to  the  neglected  advance  agent  of  the 
everlasting  gospel,  every  profession,  I  allow,  has  its 
peculiar  lingo.  Every  pork-and-beans  pilgrim  from 
the  States  that's  been  in  my  camp  for  twenty-seven 
years  has  said  that  the  miner  slings  more  unnec- 
essary professional  racket  than  anybody  else  ;  but  that 
ain't  so.  Take  folks  as  they  assay,  from  blossom  rock 
to  lower  level,  there  ain't  much  difference. 

"  Nine  years  ago,  I  and  Timberline  Monroe  and 
Katooter  Lemons,  from  Zion,  struck  the  Feverish  Hor- 
net up  on  Slippery  Ellum.  First  we  knew  the  pros- 
pecting season  had  closed  up  on  us.  and,  as  the  lay-out 
for  surface  had  pinched  out,  we  decided  to  sink  on  the 

Hornet,  just  for  luck. 

150 


OLD   AND    NEW.  151 

"So  Timberline,  Katooter  and  me  went  over  to 
Huckleberry  Oleson's  store  at  at  the  lower  camp  and 
soaked  om'  physiognomy  for  chuck,  and  valley -tan,  and 
a  blastin'  outfit  for  the  job. 

"  Down  live  foot  she  showed  150  colors  to  a  hunk  of 
rock  no  bigger'n  a  plug  of  tobacker,  with  wall  ruclvs 
well  defined  both  sides  and  foot  wall  slick  as  a  confi- 
dence game  in  'Frisco. 

"  The  quartz,  with  a  light  coat  of  gouge,  looked  as  if 
she'd  been  jammed  through  the  formation  like  a  Sab- 
bath-school scholar's  elbow  through  a  custard  pie,  and 
it  had  crushed  the  prehistoric  stuffin'  and  pre-adamite 
sawdust  out  of  the  geological  crust  in  good  shape. 

"  '  Katooter,'  says  I,  '  if  she  shows  up  this  way  all 
the  way  down,  I  be  teetotall}^  dod buttered  if  I  don't 
think  we've  cornered  the  sugar  at  last.  We'll  run  her 
down  to  ten  foot  and  see  how  she  looks  to  the  naked 
eye.' 

"  Ten  foot  down  she'd  widen  to  three  foot  between 
walls,  with  solid  gray  quartz  as  pretty  as  a  bank  book. 
Then  we  made  a  mill  run  of  five  pounds  in  a  half-gallon 
mortar  and  cleared  up  a  dollar's  worth  of  dust  on  the 
blade  of  a  long-handled  shovel. 

"  The  prospectus  of  the  Feverish  Hornet  was  very 
cheering  indeed. 

"  I  sat  down  on  a  candle-box  and  sang  something. 
I  always  twitter  a  few  notes  when  I  feel  tickled  about 
anything 

"Katooter  listened  to  my  singing  a  little  while,  and 
then  he  went  down  the  gulch  murmuring  somethmg 
about  my  music  and  intimating  that  prosperity  always 
had  its  little  drawbacks  after  all. 


152  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

"  He  slid  down  to  the  Frescoed  Hell  and  jammed  his 
old  freckled  hide  so  full  of  horse  liniment  of  the  vint- 
age of  '49  that  he  got  entirely  off  the  lead,  and  drifted 
so  far  into  poverty  rock  that  he  didn't  know  Tiniberline 
nor  me  from  a  stomach  pi'inp. 

"That's  generally  the  way  with  men  that  turn  up 
their  noses  at  vocal  music. 

"  Well,  he  got  no  better  so  rajiidly  that  next  day  he 
was  occu^pving  a  front  seat  at  the  biggest  delirium  tri- 
angle matinee  you  ever  heard  of,  and  was  the  sole  pro- 
prietor of  the  biggest  aggregation  of  seal-brown  tar- 
antulas and  variegated  caterpillars  and  imported  centi- 
pedes that  ever  exhibited  in  Columbia's  fair  domain. 

"  Every  little  while  he'd  nail  some  diabolical  insect 
crawling  up  his  sleeve  or  gently  walking  through  his 
hair,  and  then  he'd  yell  like  a  maniac  and  pray  and 
swear  like  a  hired  man. 

"The  atmosphere  seemed  to  be  level-full  of  bumble- 
bees as  big  as  a  cook-stove,  and  every  time  they'd 
cuddle  up  to  him  oi*  sink  on  him  with  their  sultry  little 
gimlets,  Katooter  would  jump  up  and  whoop  like  a 
Piute  medicine  man  trying  to  assuage  a  wide  waste  of 
turbulent  cucum1)er. 

"  At  these  times  Katooter  would  lay  aside  his  ward- 
robe, and,  throwing  me  into  the  fire-place  and  Timber- 
line  nnder  the  bed,  he  would  wander  forth  into  the 
starlight,  with  the  thermometer  down  to  37  degrees, 
and  wrap])ed  in  nothing  but  his  surging  thoughts. 

"  By  the  time  Timberline  and  me  would  get  up  and 
swab  the  cobwebs  and  cinders  out  of  our  eyes,  Katooter 
would  be  half  way  up  the  gulch  and  lighting  out  like  a 
freckled  Greek  slave  hunt  ins:  for  a  clothino-  store. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  153 

"  First  along  we  used  to  run  after  him  and  trj  to  tire 
him  out  and  corral  him,  but  he  was  most  too  skipful, 
and  apparently  so  all-fired  anxious  to  put  all  the  inter- 
vening distance  he  could  between  himself  and  the  fuzzy 
tarantulas  and  fall  style  of  centipede,  that  he  made 
some  pretty  tall  time,  considering  the  poor  trail  and  the 
light  mountain  air. 

"  Then  another  thing  ;  when  we  got  to  him  he  was  so 
pesky  mean  to  hang  on  to. 

"  You've  probably  tried  before  now,  when  you  was 
small,  to  catch  the  boy  who  tied  your  shirt  to  the  top 
limb  of  a  dead  tree,  and  you  have  thrown  all  your 
energy  into  the  effort,  but  you  decided  after  a  while  to 
wait  till  he  got  his  clothes  on  before  you  punished  him. 

"  That's  the  way  it  was  with  Katooter.  He  was  the 
smartest  man  I  ever  tried  to  gather  into  the  fold.  We'd 
think  we  had  him,  and  all  at  once  he'd  glide  between 
our  legs  like  a  yaller  dog  and  laugh  a  wild  kind  of 
laugh  that  would  run  the  thermometer  down  13  degrees, 
and  away  he'd  glimmer  up  the  trail  like  a  red-headed 
right  of  way. 

"  So  I  got  mad  at  last,  and  used  to  chace  him  with  a 
lariat  and  Yellow  Fever. 

"  Yellow  Fever  was  a  sorrel  mule  that  belonged  to 
the  firm.  We  called  him  Yellow  Fever  because  he  was 
so  fatal. 

"  Well,  when  Yellow  Fever  and  me  got  after  Ka- 
tooter with  the  lariat,  we  most  always  gathered  him 
in. — [Bless  my  soul,  how  I'm  stringing  this  yarn  out.] 

Well,  to  make  a  long  story  short,  Katooter  rallied 
after  a  while,  and  during  the  spell  his  chilblains  was 
convalescing,  and  some  more  new  skin  growing  on  his 


154  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

system  where  he  had  barked  it  off  running  through  the 
sage-brush,  and  falling  into  old  deserted  prospect  holes. 
I  had  an  offer  of  $50,000  for  my  third  in  the  Feverish 
Hornet,  and  sold. 

"  Then  I  went  down  to  Truckee  and  bought  a  little 
house  of  an  old  railroad  man  down  there,  and  grub- 
staked myself  for  the  winter,  and  allowed  I'd  lay  off 
till  the  snow  left  the  range  in  the  spring. 

"  One  night,  about  half  after  12,  I  judge,  I  heard 
somebody  step  along  to  the  window  of  my  boudoir. 
Hearing  it  at  that  time  of  night,  I  reckoned  that  some- 
thing crooked  was  going  on,  so  I  slid  out  of  bed  and 
got  my  Great  Blood  Searcher  and  Liver  Purifier,  with 
the  new  style  of  center  fire  and  cartridge  ejector,  and 
slid  up  to  the  window,  calculating  to  shove  a  tonic  into 
whoever  it  might  be  that  was  picnicking  around  my 
claim. 

"  I  looked  out  so  as  to  get  a  good  idea  of  where  I 
wanted  to  sink  on  him,  and  then  I  thought  before  I 
mangled  him  I'd  ask  him  if  he  had  any  choice  about 
which  part  of  his  vitals  he  w^anted  to  preserve,  so  I 
sang  out  to  him  : 

"  Look  out  below  there,  pard,  for  I'm  going  to  call 
the  meeting  to  order  in  a  minute !  Just  throw  up  your 
hands,  if  you  please,  and  make  the  grand  hailing  sign 
of  distress,  or  I'll  have  to  mutilate  you !  Just  show 
me  about  where  you'd  have  the  fatal  wound,  and  be 
spry  about  it,  too,  because  I've  got  my  brief  costume 
on,  and  the  evening  air  is  chill !" 

"  He  didn't  understand  me,  apparently,  for  a  gurgling 
laugh  welled  up  from  below,  and  the  party  sings  back : 

"'Hullo,  Fatty,  is  that  you?    Just  lookin'  to  see 


AFTER  KATOOTEB  ON  YKLLOW  FKVEB. 


OLD    AND    NEW.  157 

if  you'd  fired  up  yet.  You  know  I  was  to  come  round 
and  flag  you  if  second  seven  was  out  Well,  I've  been 
down  to  the  old  man's  to  see  what's  on  the  board. 
Three  is  two  hours  late  and  four  is  on  time.  There's 
two  sevens  out  and  two  sections  of  nine.  Skinney'll 
take  out  first  seven  and  Shorty'll  pull  her  with 
102.  It's  you  and  me  for  second  seven,  with  Limber 
Jim  on  front  end  and  Frenchy  to  hold  down  the 
caboose.  First  fire  is  wrong  side  up  in  a  washout  this 
side  of  Ogallalla,  and  old  Whatsliisiiame  that  runs  258 
got  his  crown  sheet  caved  in  and  telescoped  his  head- 
light into  the  middle  of  the  New  Jerusalem.  You 
know  the  little  Swede  that  used  to  run  extra  for  Old 
Ilotbox  on  the  emigrant  awhile  ?  Well,  he  was  firing 
on  258  and  he's  under  three  flats  and  a  coal-oil  tank, 
with  a  brake  beam  across  his  coupler,  and  his  system 
more  or  less  relaxed.  He's  gone  to  the  sweet  subse- 
quently, too.  Rest  of  the  boj^s  are  more  or  less  demor- 
alized, and  side-tracked  for  repairs.  Now  you  don't 
want  to  monkey  around  much,  for  if  you  don't  loom  up 
like  six  bits  and  go  out  on  the  tick,  the  old  man'll  give 
you  a  time  check  and  the  oriental  grand  bounce.  You 
hear  the  mellow  trill  of  my  bazoo?' 

"  Then  I  slowl}^  uncorked  the  Great  Blood  Purifier, 
and  moving  to  the  footlights  where  the  silvery  moon- 
beams could  touch  up  my  dazzling  outlines,  I  said  : 
'Partner,  I  am  pleased  and  gratified  to  have  met  you. 
I  don't  know  the  first  ding  busted  thing  you  have  said 
to  me,  but  that  is  my  misfortune.  I  am  a  plain  miner, 
and  my  home  is  in  the  digestive  apparatus  of  the  earth, 
but  for  professional  melody  of  the  chin,  you  certainly 
take  the  cake.    You  also  take  the  cake  basket  and  what 


158  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

cold  pie  there  is  in  on  the  dump.  My  name  is  Wood- 
tick  Williams.  I  discovered  the  Feverish  Hornet  up 
on  Slippery  Elm.  I  am  proud,  you  know.  Keep  right 
on  getting  more  and  more  familiar  with  your  profes- 
sion, and  by  and  by,  when  nobody  can  understand  you, 
you  will  be  promoted  and  respected,  and  3'ou  will  at 
last  be  a  sleeping-car  conductor,  and  revel  in  the  big- 
gest mental  calm,  and  wide  shoreless  sea  of  intellectual 
stagnation  that  the  world  ever  saw.     You  will 


"  But  he  was  gone. 

"  Then  I  took  a  pillow  sham  and  wiped  some  pulver- 
ized crackers  off  the  soles  of  my  feet,  and  went  to  bed, 
enveloped  in  a  large  gob  of  gloom." 


THE  PICNIC  PLANT. 

The  picnic  plant  will  soon  lift  its  little  head  to  the 
sunshine,  and  the  picnic  manager  will  go  out  and  sur- 
vey the  country,  to  find  where  the  most  God-forsaken 
places  are,  and  then  he  will  get  up  an  excursion  to 
some  of  these  picturesque  mud-holes  and  sand-piles; 
and  the  man  who  swore  last  year  that  he  would  never 
go  to  another  picnic,  will  pack  up  some  mustard,  and 
bay  rum,  and  pickles,  and  glycerine,  and  a  lap-robe, 
and  some  camphor,  and  a  spy-glass,  and  some  court- 
plaster;  and  he  will  heave  a  sigh  and  go  out  to  the 
glens  and  rural  retreats,  and  fill  his  skin  full  of  Tolu, 
Rock  and  Rye,  and  hatred  toward  all  mankind  and 
womankind ;  and  he  will  skin  his  hands,  and  try  to  rub 
the  downy  fluff  and  bloom  from  a  cactus  by  sitting 
down  on  it. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.  XXII. 


ANCIENT  BRIC-A-BRAC 


A  Mound  in  Medicine  Bow  Range  —  /  Started  to  Dig 

Into  the  Vast  Sarcophagus  —  A  Glad  Shoutfrom  the 

Scene  of  Ojperations  —  A   Large    Queen  Anne    Tear 

Jug. 

During  my  rambles  thrc  agh  the  Medicine  Bow  range 
of  the  Rocky  mountains  recently,  I  was  shown  by  an 
old  frontiersman  a  mound  which,  although  worn  dowi\ 
somewhat  and  torn  to  pieces  by  the  buffalo,  the  ante- 
lope and  the  coyote,  still  bore  the  appearance  of  hav- 
ing been  at  one  time  very  large  and  high. 

This,  I  was  told,  had,  no  doubt,  been  the  burial  place 
of  some  ancient  tribe  or  race  of  men,  the  cemetery, 
perhaps,  of  a  nation  now  unknown. 

Here  in  the  heart  of  a  new  world,  Avhere  men  who 
had  known  the  region  for  fifteen  or  twenty  years,  are 
now  called  "  old  timers,"  where  "  new  discoveries  "  had 
been  made  within  my  own  recollection,  we  found  the 
sepulcher  of  a  nation  that  was  old  when  the  Pilgrims 
landed  on  the  shores  of  Columbia. 

I  am  something  of  an  antiquarian,  with  all  my  numer- 
ous charms,  and  I  resolved  to  excavate  at  this  spot  and 
learn  the  hidden  secrets  of  those  people  who  lived  when 
our  earth  was  young. 

I  started  to  dig  into  the  vast  sarcopliagus.  The 
ground  was  very  hard.  The  more  I  worked  the  more 
J  felt  that  I   was   desecrating  the   burial  place  of  ^ 

159 


160  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

mighty  race  of  men,  now  powerless  to  defend  them- 
selves against  the  vandal  hands  that  sought  to  mar 
their  eternal  slumber. 

I  resolved  to  continue  my  researches  according  to  the 
vicarious  plan.  I  secured  the  services  of  a  hardened, 
soulless  hireling,  who  did  not  wot  of  the  solemn  sur- 
roundings and  who  could  dig  faster  than  I  could.  He 
proceeded  with  the  excavation  business,  while  I  sought 
a  shady  dell  where  I  could  weep  alone. 

It  was  a  solemn  thought,  indeed.  I  murmured  softly 
to  myself  — 

The  knights  are  dust. 
Their  swords  are  rust ; 
Their  souls  are  with 
The  saints,  we  trust. 

Just  then  a  wood-tick  ran  up  one  of  my  alabaster 
limbs  about  nine  feet,  made  a  location  and  began  to  do 
some  work  on  it  under  the  United  States  mining  laws. 

I  removed  him  by  force  and  submitted  him  to  the 
dry  crushing  process  between  a  piece  of  micaceous  slate 
and  a  fragment  of  deoderized,  copper-stained  man- 
ganese. 

But  we  were  speaking  of  the  Aztecs,  not  the  wood- 
ticks. 

Nothing  on  earth  is  old  save  by  comparison.  The 
air  we  breathe,  and  which  we  are  pleased  to  call  fresh 
air,  is  only  so  comparatively.  It  is  the  same  old  air. 
As  a  recent  air  it  is  not  so  fresh  as  "  Silver  Threads 
Among  the  Gold." 

It  has  been  in  one  form  and  another  through  the  ever- 
shifting  ages  all  along  the  steady  march  of  tireless  time, 
but  it  is  the  same  old  union  of  various  gaseous  elements 


OLD   AND   NEW.  1^1 

floating  through  space,  only  remodeled  for  the  spring 
trade. 

All  we  see  or  hear  or  feel,  is  old.  Truth  itself  is  old. 
Old  and  falling  into  disuse,  too.  Outside  of  what  I 
am  using  in  my  business,  perhaps  not  over  two  or  three 
bales  are  now  on  the  market. 

Here  in  the  primeval  solitude,  undisturbed  by  the 
foot  of  man,  I  had  found  the  crumbling  remnants  of 
those  who  once  walked  the  earth  in  their  might  and 
vaunted  their  strength  among  the  powers  of  their 
world. 

No  doubt  they  had  experienced  the  first  wild  thrill 
of  all-powerful  love,  and  thought  that  it  was  a  new 
thing.  They  had  known,  with  mingled  pain  and  pleas- 
ure, when  they  struggled  feebly  against  the  omnipo- 
tent sway  of  consuming  passion,  that  they  were 
mashed,  and  they  flattered  themselves  that  they  were 
the  first  in  all  the  illimitable  range  of  relentless  years 
who  had  been  fortunate  enough  to  get  hold  of  the 
genuine  thing.     All  others  had  been  base  imitations. 

Here,  perhaps,  on  this  very  spot,  the  Aztec  youth 
with  a  bright-eyed  maiden  on  his  arm  had  pledged  life- 
long fidelity  to  her  shrine,  and  in  the  midnight  silence 
had  stolen  awa}'^  from  her  with  a  pang  of  vigorous  re- 
gret, followed  by  the  sobs  of  his  soul's  idol  and  the 
demoralizing,  leaden  rain  of  buckshot,  with  the  com- 
pliments and  best  wishes  of  the  old  man. 

"While  I  was  meditating  upon  these*  things,  a  glad 
shout  from  the  scene  of  operations  attracted  my  at- 
tention. I  rose  and  went  to  the  scene  of  excavation 
and  found,  to  my  unspeakable  astonishment  and 
pleasure,  that  the  man  had  unearthed  a  large  Queen 


162  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

Anne  tear  jug,  with  Etruscan  work  upon  the  exterior. 
It  was  simply  one  of  the  okl-fashioned  single-barreled 
tear  jugs,  made  for  a  one  eyed  man  to  cry  into.  The 
vessel  was  about  eighteen  inches  in  height  by  five  or 
six  mches  in  diameter. 

The  graceful,  yet  perhaps  severe  pottery  of  the 
Aztecs,  convinces  me  tliat  they  were  fully  abreast  of 
the  present  century  in  their  knowledge  of  the  arts  and 
sciences. 

Space  will  not  admi .  of  an  extended  description  of 
this  ancient  tear  cooler,  but  I  am  still  continuing  the 
antiquarian  researches,  —  vicariously,  of  course  —  and 
will  give  this  subject  more  attention  during  the  sum- 
mer. 


JOINT  POWDER. 

It  don't  do  to  fool  with  jomt  powder.  It's  powerful 
stuff.  I  had  a  $10,000  mine  over  in  the  Queen  of 
Shelby  district  in  '54:  called  the  Goshallhemlock  claim. 
I  was' offered  $10,000  for  it,  with  $5,000  in  sagebrush 
placer  stock  besides,  if  she  opened  up  as  well  ten  foot 
further  down. 

We  put  in  a  blast  of  joint  powder,  and  when  we 
went  to  make  an  examination,  we  couldn't  find  the 
Goshallhemlock  with  an  assessor  and  a  search  warrant. 
The  hole  was  there,  but  there  wasn't  quartz  enough  to 
throw  at  a  yaller  dog. 

My  idea  is  to  sell  a  mine  just  before  you  put  in  the 
joint  powder,  and  tlien  if  tiie  buyer  wants  to  blow  the 
property  ir.to  the  middle  of  next  Christmas  let  him 
do  it. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    XXIII. 


THE  TWO-HEADED  GIRL. 


The  Power  of  a  Two-headed  Girl  to  Cheer  the  Sad — 
She  Is  not  Beautiful,  hut  her  Color  Is  Distinct  —  As 
a  Show  She  Draws  Better  than  a  Seientific  Lecture. 
The  cultivated  two-headed  girl  has  visited  the  West. 
It  is  very  rare  that  a  town  the  size  of  Laramie  experi- 
ences the  rare  treat  of  witnessing  anything  so  enjoy- 
able.    In  addition  to  the  mental  feast  which  such  a 
tiling  affords,  one  goes  away  feeling  better  —  feeling 
that  life  has  more  in  it  to  live  for,  and  is  not  after  all 
such  a  vale  of  tears  as  he  had  at  times  believed  it. 

Through  the  trials  and  disappointments  of  this 
e>^/thly  pilgrimage,  the  soul  is  at  times  cast  down  and 
discouraged.  Man  struggles  against  ill-fortune  and 
unlooked-for  woes,  year  after  year,  until  he  becomes 
misanthropical  and  soured,  but  when  a  two-headed  girl 
comes  along  and  he  sees  her  it  cheers  him  up.  Slie 
speaks  to  his  better  nature  in  two  different  languages 
at  one  and  the  same  time,  and  at  one  price. 

When  I  went  to  the  show  I  felt  gloomy  and  appre- 
hensive. The  eighteenth  ballot  had  been  taken  and 
the  l)ulletins  seemed  to  have  a  tiresome  sameness.  The 
future  of  the  republic  was  not  encouraging.  I  felt  as 
tiiough,  if  I  could  get  first  cost  for  the  blasted  thing,  I 
would  sell  it 

I  had  also  been  breaking  in  a  pair  of  new  boots  that 
day,  and    spectators  had  been  betting  wildly  on  the 
11  163 


164  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

boots,  while  I  had  no  backers  at  three  o'clock  in  the 
afternoon,  and  had  nearly  decided  to  withdraw  on  the 
last  ballot.  I  went  to  the  entertainment  feeling  as 
though  I  should  criticise  it  severely. 

The  two-headed  girl  is  not  beautiful.  Neither  one  of 
her,  in  fact,  is  handsome.  There  is  quite  a  similarity 
between  the  two,  probably  because  they  have  been  in 
each  other's  society  a  great  deal  and  have  adopted  the 
same  ways. 

She  is  an  Ethiopian  by  descent  and  natural  choice 
being  about  the  same  complexion  as  Frank  Miller's  oil 
blacking,  price  ten  cents. 

She  was  at  one  time  a  poor  slave,  but  by  her  winning 
ways  and  genuine  integrity  and  genius,  she  has  won 
her  way  to  the  hearts  of  the  American  people.  She 
has  thoroughly  demonstrated  the  fact  that  two  heads 
are  better  than  one. 

A  good  sized  audience  welcomed  this  popular  favor- 
ites. When  she  came  forward  to  the  foot-lights  and 
made  her  two-ply  bow  she  was  greeted  by  round  after 
round  of  applause  from  the  elite  of  the  city. 

I  felt  pleased  and  gratified.  The  fact  that  a  recent 
course  of  scientific  lectures  here  was  attended  by  from 
fifteen  to  thirty  people,  and  the  present  brilliant  success 
of  the  two-headed  girl  proved  to  me,  beyond  a  doubt, 
that  we  live  in  an  age  of  thought  and  philosophical 
progress. 

Science  may  be  all  right  in  its  place,  but  does  it  make 
the  world  better  ?  Does  it  make  a  permanent  improve- 
ment on  the  minds  and  thoughts  of  the  listener  ?  Do 
we  go  away  from  such  a  lecture  feeling  that  we  have 
made  a  grand  stride  toward  a  glad  emancipation  from 


OLD    AND    NEW.  165 

the  mental  thraldom  of  ignorance  and  superstition? 
Do  people  want  to  be  assailed,  year  after  3'ear,  with  a 
nebular  theory,  and  the  Professor  Huxley  theory  of 
natural  selections  and  tilings  of  that  nature  ? 

No !  1,000  time  no  ! 

They  need  to  be  led  on  quietly  by  an  appeal  to  their 
better  natures.  They  need  to  witness  a  first-class 
bureau  of  monstrosities,  such  as  men  with  heads  as  big 
as  a  band  wagon,  women  with  two  heads,  Cardiff  giants, 
men  with  limbs  bristlmg  out  all  over  them  like  the 
velvet}^  bloom  on  a  prickly  pear. 

When  I  get  a  little  leisure,  and  can  attend  to  it, 
I  am  going  to  organize  a  grand  constellation  of  living 
wonders  of  this  kind,  and  make  thirteen  or  fourteen 
hundred  farewell  tours  with  it,  not  so  much  to  make 
money,  but  to  meet  a  long-felt  want  of  the  American 
people  for  something  which  will  give  a  higher  mental 
tone  to  the  tastes  of  those  who  never  lag  in  their  tireless 
march  toward  perfection. 

OUR  COMPLIMENTS. 
We  have  nothing  more  to  say  of  the  editor  of  the 
Sweetwater  Gazette.  Aside  from  the  fact  that  he  is 
a  squint-eyed,  consumptive  liar,  with  a  breath  like  a 
buzzard  and  a  record  like  a  convict,  we  don't  know 
anything  against  him.  He  means  well  enough,  and  if 
he  can  evade  the  penitentiary  and  the  vigilance  com- 
mittee for  a  few  more  years,  there  is  a  chance  for  him 
to  end  his  life  in  a  natural  way.  \i  he  don't  tell  the 
truth  a  little  more  plentifully,  however,  the  Green 
River  people  will  rise  as  one  man  and  churn  him  up  till 
there  won't  be  anything  left  of  him  but  a  pair  of  sus- 
penders and  a  wart. 


CHESTNUT-BURE.    XXTV. 


A  PATHETIC  EPISODE  IN  NORTHERN  WISCONSIN. 


A  Trip  to  Nortliem  AVisconsin  —  How  Foreign  Lumber 
Is  Manufactured  —  Iroii  Dogs  —  A  Sad  Accident  — 
The  Funeral  Procession  —  A  Solemn  Moral. 
I  have  just  returned  from  a  trip  up  the  North  Wis 
consin  railway,  where  I  went  to  catch  a  string  of  cod- 
fish, and  anythino^  else  that  might  be  contagious.     The 
trip  was  a  pleasant  one,  and  productive  of  great  good 
in  many  ways.     I  am  hardening  myself  to  railway 
traveling,  like  Tiraberline  Jones'  man,  so  that  I  can 
stand  the  return  journey  to  Laramie  in  July. 

Northern  Wisconsin  is  the  place  where  the  "  foreign 
lumber"  comes  from  which  we  use  in  Laramie  in  the 
erection  of  our  palatial  residences.  I  visited  the  mill 
last  week  that  furnished  the  lumber  used  in  the  Oasis 
hotel  at  Greeley.  They  yank  a  big  wet  log  into  that 
mill  and  turn  it  into  cash  as  quick  as  a  railroad  man 
can  draw  his  salary  out  of  the  pay  car.  The  log  is 
held  on  a  carriage  by  means  of  iron  dogs  while  it  is 
being  worked  into  lumber.  These  iron  dogs  are  not 
like  those  we  see  on  the  front  steps  of  a  brown-stone 
house  occasionally.     They  are  another  breed  of  dogs. 

The  managing  editor  of  the  mill  lays  out  the  log  in 
his  mind,  and  works  it  into  dimension  stuff,  shingle 
bolts,  slabs,  edgings,  two  by  fours,  two  by  eights,  two 
by  sixes,  etc.,  so  as  to  use  the  goods  to  the  best  advan- 
tage, just  as  a  woman  takes  a  dress  pattern  and  cuts  it 

166 


*.  SAr>  rtlNERAL  PROCESSION. 
191 


:^^A^ 


OLD    AND   NEW.  169 

SO  she  won't  have  to  piece  the  front  breadths,  and  will 
still  have  enough  left  to  make  a  polonaise  for  the  last- 
summer  gown. 

I  stood  there  for  a  lono^  time  watching:  the  various 
saws  and  listening  to  their  monotonous  growl,  and 
wishing  that  I  had  been  born  a  successful  timber  thief 
instead  of  a  poor  boy  Avithout  a  rag  to  my  back. 

At  one  of  these  mills,  not  long  ago,  a  man  backed  up 
to  get  away  from  the  carriage,  and  thoughtlessly 
backed  against  a  large  saw  that  was  revolving  at  the 
rate  of  about  200  times  a  minute.  The  saw  took  a 
large  chew  of  tobacco  from  the  plug  he  had  in  his 
pistol  pocket,  and  then  began  on  him. 

But  there's  no  use  going  into  details.  Such  things 
are  not  cheerful.  The\'  gathered  him  up  out  of  the 
sawdust  and  pat  him  in  a  nail  keg  and  carried  him 
awa}^  but  he  did  n<jt  speak  again.  Life  was  quite 
extinct.  Whether  it  was  the  nervous  shock  that  killed 
him,  or  the  concussion  of  the  cold  saw  against  his  liver 
that  killed  him,  no  one  ever  knew. 

The  mill  shut  down  a  couple  of  hours  so  that  the 
head  sawyer  could  file  his  saw,  and  then  work  was 
resumed  once  more. 

We  should  learn  from  this  never  to  lean  on  the  buzz 
saw  when  it  moveth  itself  aright. 


THE  SECRET  OF  HEALTH. 

Health  journals  are  now  asserting,  that  to  maintain 
a  sound  constitution  you  should  lie  only  on  the  right 
side.  The  health  journals  may  mean  well  enough ;  but 
what  are  you  going  to  do  if  you  are  editing  a  Demo 
cratic  paper  ? 


CHESTNUT-BUKR.    XXV. 


BILL  NYE  ESSAYS  A  NOVELETTE. 


Harry  Bevans  —  Fanny  Buttonhook  —  True  Love 
Takes  its  Usual  Course  —  A  Letter  to  Fanny — A 
Sweety  Short,  Summer  — A  Llajppy  Marriage  — Little 
Birdie. 

I  never  wrote  a  novel,  because  I  always  thought  it 
required  more  of  a  mashed  raspberry  imagination  than 
I  could  muster,  but  I  was  the  business  manager,  once, 
for  a  year  and  a  half,  of  a  little  two-bit  novelette  that 
has  never  been  published. 

I  now  propose  to  publish  it,  because  I  cannot  keep 
it  to  myself  any  longer. 

Allow  me,  therefore,  to  reminisce. 

Harry  Bevans  was  an  old  schoolmate  of  mine  in  the 
days  of  ('*^^^)3,  and  although  Bevans  was  not  his  sure- 
enough  name,  it  will  answer  for  the  purposes  herein 
set  forth.  At  the  time  of  which  I  now  speak  he  was 
more  bashful  than  a  book  agent,  and  was  trying  to 
promote  a  cream-colored  mustache  and  buff  "  Done- 
gals  "  on  the  side. 

Suffice  it  to  say  that  he  was  madly  in  love  with 
Fanny  Buttonhook,  and  too  bashful  to  say  so  by  tele- 
phone. 

Her  name  wasn't  Buttonhook,  but  I  will  admit  it  for 
the  sake  of  argument.  Harry  lived  over  at  KpJamazoo, 
we  will  sa}'-,  and  Fanny  at  Oshkosh.  These  were  not 
the  exact  names  of  tlie  towns,  but  I  desire  to  bewilder 

170 


OLD   AND   NEW.  171 

the  public,  in  order  to  avoid  any  harrassing  disclosures  in 
the  future.  It  is  always  well  enough,  I  find,  to  deal 
gently  with  those  who  are  alive  and  moderately  mus- 
cular. 

.  Young  Bevans  was  not  specially  afraid  of  old  man 
Buttonhook,  or  his  wife.  He  didn't  dread  the  enraged 
parent  worth  a  cent.  He  wasn't  afraid  of  anybody 
under  the  cerulean  dome,  in  fact,  except  Miss  Button- 
hook, but  when  she  sailed  down  the  main  street,  Harry 
lowered  his  colors  and  dodged  into  the  first  place  he 
found  open,  whether  it  was  a  millinery  store  or  a  livery 
stable. 

Once,  in  an  unguarded  moment,  he  passed  so  near  her 
that  the  gentle  south  wind  caught  up  the  cherry  ribbon 
that  Miss  Buttonhook  wore  at  her  throat,  and  slapped 
Mr.  Bevans  across  the  cheek  with  it  before  he  knew 
what  ailed  him.  There  was  a  little  vision  of  straw 
hat,  brown  hair,  and  pink-and-white  cuticle,  as  it  were, 
a  delicate  odor  of  violets,  the  "  swish  "  of  a  summer  silk, 
and  my  friend,  Mr.  Bevans,  put  his  hand  to  his  head, 
like  a  man  who  has  a  sun-stroke,  and  fell  into  a  drug 
store  and  a  state  of  wild  mash,  ruin  and  hopeless  chaos. 

His  bashfulness  was  not  seated  nor  chronic.  It  was 
the  varioloid,  and  didn't  hurt  him  only  when  Miss 
Buttonhook  was  present,  or  in  sight.  He  was  polite 
and  chatty  with  other  girls,  and  even  dared  to  be  blithe 
and  gay  sometimes,  too,  but  when  Frances  loomed  up 
in  the  distance,  he  would  climb  a  rail  fence  nine  feet 
high  to  evade  her. 

He  told  me  once  that  he  wished  I  would  erect  the 
frame- work  of  a  letter  to  Fanny,  in  which  he  desired  to 
ask  that  he  might  open  up  a  correspondence  with  her. 


172  BILL  xte's  che?txuts 

He  would  copv  n::  1 1:::^.;!  ::,  he  ?:.M  ^.n  1  ke  vra?  sure  that 
I.  being  a  d.;.::.:r.'r^:Ta  '^'^'iij  .  v,^..;;d  be  perfectly 
calnL 

I  iiTote  a  letter  for  him,  of  which  I  was  moderately 
proad.  It  wotild  melt  the  poinr  on  a  lightning  rod.  it 
seemed  to  me,  for  it  was  ;  >:  -  :  i  :  ^  :  :ic  .rss  and 
poetic  soothe  as  it  ec  ;i  •  -  i  T  .  :.  AVro-:ei's 
Dictionary  and  my  scr..v  j  _^  .:.  1  :_  ^.  c  o  vn  nist 
rate.  StiU  it  was  manly  and  squaye-iot^l.  It  was 
another  man's  confession,  and  I  made  it  bulge  out  with 
frankne^  and  candor. 

As  lack  would  have  it.  I  went  over  to  Oshkosh  about 
the  time  Harry's  prize  epistle  reached  that  metropolis, 
and  having  been  a  confidant  of  iMiss  B."s  from  early 
childhood,  I  had  the  pleasure  of  reading  Bev's  letter, 
and  advising  the  young  la3y  about  the  correspondence. 

Finally  a  bright  thought  struck  her.  She  went  over 
to  an  easy  chair,  and  sat  down  on  her  foot,  coolly  pro- 
posing that  I  should  outline  a  letter  replying  to  Harry's, 
in  a  reserved  and  rather  frigid  manner,  yet  bidding  him 
dare  to  hope  that  if  his  orthography  and  punctuation 
continued  correct,  he  might  write  occasionally,  though 
it  must  be  considered  entirely  mtb  rosaand  abnormally 
entre  nous  on  account  of  '*  Pa." 

By  the  way,  "Pa'*  was  a  druggisl:,  and  one  of  the 
salts  of  the  earth  —  Epsom  salts  of  course. 

I  agreed  to  write  the  letter,  swore  never  to  reveal  the 
secret  workings  of  the  order,  the  grips,  expla,nations. 
passwords  and  signals,  and  then  wrote  her  a  nice. 
demure,  startled-fawn  letter,  as  brief  as  the  cellar  to  a 
party  dre^  and  as  solemn  as  the  Declaration  of  Inde- 
pendence. 


OLD    AND    NEW.  173 

Then  I  said  good-by,  and  returned  to  my  own  home, 
which  was  neither  in  Kalamazoo  nor  Oshkosh.  There 
I  received  a  flat  letter  from  William  Henry  Bevans, 
inclosing  one  from  Fanny,  and  asking  for  suggestions 
as  to  a  reply.  Her  letter  Avas  in  Miss  Buttonhook's 
best  vein.     I  remember  having  written  it  myself. 

Well,  to  cut  a  long  story  short,  every  other  week  I 
wrote  a  letter  for  Fanny,  and  on  intervening  weeks  I 
wrote  one  for  the  lover  at  Kalamazoo.  By  keeping 
copies  of  all  letters  written,  I  had  a  record  showing 
where  I  was,  and  avoided  saying  the  same  pleasant 
things  twice. 

Thus  the  short,  sweet  summer  scooted  past.  The 
weeks  were  filled  with  gladness,  and  their  memory  even 
now  comes  back  to  me,  like  a  wood-violet-scented  vis- 
ion. A  wood-violet-scented  vision  comes  high,  but  it 
is  necessary  in  this  place. 

Toward  winter  the  correspondence  grew  a  little  tcdi 
ous,  owing  to  the  fact  that  I  had  a  large  and  tropical 
boil  on  the  back  of  my  neck,  which  refused  to  declare 
its  intentions  or  come  to  a  focus,  for  three  weeks.  In 
looking  over  the  letters  of  both  lovers  yesterday,  I 
could  tell  by  the  tone  of  each  just  where  this  boil 
began  to  grow  up,  as  it  were,  between  two  fond  hearts. 

This  feeling  grew  till  the  middle  of  December,  Avhen 
there  Avas  a  red-hot  quarrel.  It  was  exciting  and 
spirited,  and  after  I  had  alternately  flattered  myself 
flrst  from  Kalamazoo  and  then  from  Oshkosh,  it  was  a 
genuine  luxury  to  have  a  row  Avith  myself  through  the 
medium  of  the  United  States  mails. 

Then  I  made  up  and  got  reconciled.  I  thought  it 
would  be  best  to  secure  harmony  before  the  holidays, 


174  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

so  that  Harry  could  go  over  to  Oshkosh  and  spend 
Christmas.  I  therefore  wrote  a  letter  for  Harry  in 
which  he  said  he  had,  no  doubt,  been  hasty,  and  he  was 
sorry.  It  should  not  occur  again.  The  days  had  been 
like  weary  ages  since  their  quarrel,  he  said  —  vica- 
riously, of  course  —  and  the  light  had  been  shut  out  of 
his  erstwhile  joyous  life.  Death  would  be  a  luxury 
unless  she  forgave  him,  and  Hades  would  be  one  long, 
sweet  picnic  and  lawn  festival  unless  she  blessed  him 
with  her  smile. 

You  can  judge  how  an  old  newspaper  reporter,  with 
a  scarlet  imagination,  would  naturally  dash  the  color 
into  another  man's  picture  of  humil'ty  and  woe. 

She  replied  —  b}'^  proxy  —  that  he  was  not  to  blame. 
It  was  her  waspish  temper  and  cruel  thoughtlessness. 
She  wished  he  would  come  over  and  take  dinner  with 
them  on  Christmas  day  and  she  would  tell  him  how 
sorry  she  was.  When  the  man  admits  that  he's  a  brute' 
and  the  woman  says  she's  sorry,  it  behooves  the  eagle 
eye  of  the  casual  spectator  to  look  up  into  the  blue  sky 
for  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  till  the  reconciliation  has  had 
a  chance  and  the  brute  has  been  given  time  to  wipe  a 
damp  sob  from  his  coat-collar. 

I  was  invited  to  the  Christmas  dinner.  As  a  success- 
ful reversible  amanuensis  I  thought  I  deserved  it.  I 
was  proud  and  happy.  I  had  passed  through  a  lover's 
quarrel  and  sailed  in  with  white-winged  peace  on  time, 
and  now  I  reckoned  that  the  second  joint,  with  an 
irregular  fragment  of  cranberry  jelly,  and  some  of  the 
dressing,  and  a  little  of  the  white  meat  please,  was 
nothing  more  than  right. 

Mr.  Bevans  forgot  to  be  bashful  twice  during  the 


OLD   AND   NEW.  175 

day,  and  even  smiled  once  also.  He  began  to  get 
acquainted  with  Fanny  after  dinner,  and  praised  her 
beautiful  letters.  She  blushed  clear  up  under  her 
"wave,"  and  returned  the  compliment. 

That  was  natural.  When  he  praised  her  letters  I 
did  not  wonder,  and  when  she  praised  his  I  admitted 
that  she  was  eminently  correct.  I  never  witnessed 
better  taste  en  the  part  of  two  young  and  trusting 
hearts. 

After  Christmas  I  thought  they  would  both  feel  like 
buying  a  manual  and  doing  their  own  writing,  but 
they  did  not  dare  to  do  so  evidently.  They  seemed  to 
be  afraid  the  change  would  be  detected,  so  I  piloted 
them  into  the  middle  of  the  succeeding  fall,  and 
then  introduced  the  crisis  into  both  their  lives. 

It  was  a  success. 

I  felt  about  as  well  as  though  I  were  to  be  cut  down 
m^^self  and  married  off  in  the  very  prime  of  life. 
Fanny  wore  the  usual  clothing  adopted  by  young  ladies 
who  are  about  to  be  sacrificed  to  a  great  horrid  man. 
I  cannot  give  the  exact  description  of  her  trousseau,  but 
she  looked  like  a  hazel-eyed  angel,  with  a  freckle  on 
the  bridge  of  her  nose.  The  groom  looked  a  little 
scared,  and  moved  his  gloved  hands  as  though  they 
weighed  twenty-one  pounds  apiece. 

However,  it's  all  over  now.  I  was  up  there  recently 
to  see  them.  They  are  quite  happy.  Not  too  happy, 
but  just  happy  enough.  They  call  their  oldest  son 
Birdie.  I  wanted  them  to  call  him  William,  but  they 
Avere  headstrong  and  named  him  Birdie.  That  wounded 
my  pride,  and  so  I  called  him  Earlie  Birdie. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    XXVI. 


THE  DAUGHTER  OF  BUB  TAIL  FLUSH. 

Tike  Dusky  Bride  of  Old  Fly  Vj>-tJie- Creek  is  a  Lover 
of  the  Beautfid-—Tli6  Indian  Maiden  in  Her  Wild 
iSimjylicity — How  She  Appears  to  the  Man  of  Senti- 
ment— iV(9  liutJdess  Hand  Shall  Tear  the  Cloak  from 
the  True  Indian  Maiden. 

One  of  the  attractions  of  life  at  the  Cheyenne 
Indian  agency,  is  the  reserved  seat  ticket  to  the  regu- 
lar slaughter-house  matinee.  The  agency  butchers  kill 
at  the  rate  of  ten  bullocks  per  hour  while  at  work,  and 
so  great  was  the  rush  to  the  slaughter-pens  for  the  in- 
ternal economy  of  the  slaughtered  animals,  that  Major 
Love  found  it  necessary  to  erect  a  box  office  and  gate, 
where  none  but  those  holding  tickets  could  enter  and 
provide  themselves  with  these  delicacies. 

This  is  not  a  sensation,  it  is  the  plain  truth,  and  we 
desire  to  call  the  attention  of  those  who  love  and  ad- 
mire the  Indian  at  a  distance  of  2,000  miles,  and  to  the 
aesthetic  love  for  the  beautiful  which  prompts  the 
crooked-fanged  and  dusky  bride  of  old  Fl3'^-up-the- 
Creek  to  rob  the  soap-grease  man  and  the  glue  factory, 
that  she  may  make  a  Cheyenne  holiday.  As  a  matter 
of  fact,  common  decency  will  not  permit  us  to  enter 
into  a  discussion  of  this  matter.  Firstly,  it  would  not 
be  fit  for  the  high  order  of  readers  who  peruse  these 
pages,  and  secondly,  the  Indian  maiden  at  the  present 
moment  stands  on  a  lofty  crag  of  the  Rocky  moun- 

176 


OLD   AND   NEW.  177 

tams,  beautiful  in  her  wild  simplicity,  wearing  the 
fringed  garments  of  her  tribe.  To  the  sentimentalist 
she  appears  outlined  against  the  glorious  sky  of  the 
new  West,  wearing  a  coronet  of  eagle's  feathers,  and  a 
health-corset  trimmed  with  fantastic  bead-work  and 
wonderful  and  impossible  designs  in  savage  art. 

Shall  we  then  rush  in  and  with  ruthless  hand  shatter 
this  beautiful  picture?  Shall  we  portray  her  as  she 
appears  on  her  return  from  the  great  slaughter-house 
benefit  and  moral  aggregation  of  digestive  mementos  ? 
Shall  we  draw  a  picture  of  her  clothed  in  a  horse- 
blanket,  with  a  necklace  of  the  false  teeth  of  the  pale- 
face, and  her  coarse,  unkempt  hair  hanging  over  her 
smoky  features  and  clinging  to  her  warty,  bony  neck  ? 
No,  no.  Far  be  it  from  us  to  destroy  the  lovel}''  vision 
of  copper-colored  grace  and  smoke-tanned  beauty, 
which  the  freckled  student  of  the  effete  East  has  erected 
in  the  rose-hued  chambers  of  fancy.  Let  her  dwell 
ihere  as  the  plump-limbed  princess  of  a  brave  people. 
Let  her  adorn  the  hat-rack  of  his  imagination  —  proud, 
beautiful,  grand,  gloomy  and  peculiar  —  while  as  a 
matter  of  fact,  she  is  at  that  moment  leaving  the  vesti- 
bule of  the  slaughter-house,  conveying  in  the  soiled 
laprobe  —  which  is  her  sole  adornment  —  the  man- 
gled lungs  of  a  Texas  steer. 

No  man  shall  ever  say  that  we  have  busted  the  beau- 
ful  Cigar  Sign  Yision  that  he  has  erected  in  his  mem- 
ory. Let  the  graceful  Indian  queen  that  has  lived  on 
in  his  heart  ever  since  he  studied  history  and  saw  the 
graphic  picture  of  the  landing  of  Columbus,  in  which 
Columbus  is  just  unsheathing  his  bread  knife,  and  the 
stage  Indians  are  fleeing  to  the  tall  brush ;  let  her,  we 


178  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

say,  still  live  on  The  ruthless  hand  that  writes  noth- 
ing but  everlasting  truth,  and  the  stub  pencil  that 
yanks  the  cloak  of  the  false  and  artificial  from  cold 
and  perhaps  unpalatable  fact,  will  spare  this  little  im- 
aginary Indian  maiden  with  a  back-comb  and  gold 
garters.  Let  her  withstand  the  onward  march  of  cen- 
turies, while  the  true  Indian  maiden  eats  the  fricasseed 
locust  of  the  plains,  and  wears  the  cavalry  pants  of 
progress.  We  may  be  rough  and  thoughtless  many 
times,  but  we  cannot  come  forward  and  ruthlessly 
shatter  the  red  goddess  at  whose  shrine  the  far-away 
student  of  Blackhawk,  and  other  fourth-reader  war- 
riors, worship. 

As  we  said,  we  decline  to  pull  the  cloak  from  the 
true  Indian  maiden  of  to-day  and  show  her  as  she  is. 
That  cloak  may  be  all  she  has  on,  and  no  gentleman 
will  be  rude  even  to  the  daughter  of  Old  Bob-Tail- 
Flush,  the  Cheyenne  brave. 


LOAFING  AROUND  HOME. 

While  other  young  men  put  on  their  seal-brown 
overalls  and  wrench  the  laurel  wreath  and  other  vege- 
tables from  cruel  fate,  the  youth  who  dangles  near  the 
old  nest,  and  eats  the  hard-earned  groceries  of  his 
father,  shivers  on  the  brink  of  life's  great  current  and 
sheds  the  scalding  tear. 


THE  PLUMAGE  OF  THE  OSTRICH. 

The  ostrich  is  chiefl\^  valuable  for  the  plumage  which 
he  wears,  and  which,  when  introduced  mto  the  world 
of  commerce,  makes  the  husband  almost  wish  that  he 
were  dead. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  179 

SOME  EARNEST  THOUGHTS. 

Young  man,  what  are  you  living  for?  Have  you  an 
object  dear  to  you  as  life,  and  without  the  attainment 
of  which  you  feel  that  your  life  will  have  been  a  wide, 
shoreless  waste  of  shadow,  peopled  by  the  specters  of 
dead  ambitions?  Is  it  your  consuming  ambition  to 
paddle  quietly  but  firmly  up  the  stream  of  time  with 
manly  strokes,  against  the  current  of  public  opinion, 
or  to  linger  along  the  seductive  banks,  going  in  swim- 
ming, or,  careless  of  the  future,  gathering  shells  and 
tadpoles  along  the  shore? 

Have  you  a  distinct  idea  of  a  certain  position  in  life 
which  you  wMsh  to  attain  ?  Have  you  decided  whether 
you  will  be  a  great  man,  and  die  in  the  poor-house,  and 
have  a  nice  comfortable  monument  after  you  are  dead, 
for  your  destitute  family  to  look  at,  or  will  you  con- 
tent yourself  to  plug  along  through  life  as  a  bank  pres- 
ident ? 

These,  young  men,  are  questions  of  moment.  They 
are  questions  of  two  moments.  They  come  home  to 
our  hearts  to-day  with  terrible  earnestness. 

You  can  take  your  choice  in  the  great  battle  of  life, 
whether  you  will  bristle  up  and  win  a  deathless  name, 
and  owe  almost  everybody,  or  be  satisfied  with  scads 
and  mediocrity. 

Why  do  you  linger  and  fritter  away  the  heyday  of 
life,  when  you  might  skirmish  around  and  win  some 
laurels  ?  Many  of  those  who  now  stand  at  the  head 
of  the  nation  as  statesmen  and  logicians,  were  once 
unknown,  unhonored  and  unsung.  Now  they  saw  the 
air  in  the  halls  of  Congress,  and  their  names  are  plas- 
tered on  the  temple  of  fame. 


180  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

They  were  not  born  great.  Some  of  them  only 
weighed  six  pounds  to  start  with.  But  they  have 
rustled.  They  have  peeled  their  coats  and  made  Rome 
howl. 

You  can  do  the  same.  You  can  win  some  laurels, 
too,  if  you  will  brace  ud  and  secure  them  when  they 
are  ripe. 

Daniel  Webster  and  President  Garfield  and  Dr. 
Tanner  and  George  Eliot  were  all,  at  one  time,  poor 
boys.  They  had  to  start  at  the  foot  of  the  ladder  and 
toil  upward. 

They  struggled  agamst  poverty  and  public  opinion 
bravely,  till  they  won  a  name  in  the  annals  of  his- 
tory, and  secured  to  their  loved  ones  palatial  homes 
with  lightning  rods  and  mortgages  on  them. 

So  may  you,  if  you  will  make  the  effort.  All  these 
things  are  within  your  reach.  Live  temperately  on  $9 
per  month.  That's  the  way  we  got  our  start.  Burn 
the  midnight  oil  if  necessary.  Get  some  true,  noble- 
minded  young  lady  of  your  acquaintance  to  assist  you. 
Tell  her  of  your  troubles  and  she  will  tell  you  what  to 
do.     She  will  gladly  advise  you. 

Then  you  can  marry  her,  and  she  will  advise  you 
some  more.  After  that  she  will  lay  aside  her  work 
any  time  to  advise  you.  You  needn't  be  out  of  advice 
at  all  unless  you  want  to.  She,  too,  will  tell  you  when 
you  have  made  a  mistake.  She  will  come  to  you 
frankly  and  acknowledge  that  you  have  make  a  jack- 
ass of  yourself. 


CHESTNUT-BURB.    XXYII. 


OUR  GREAT  NATIONAL  MOTTO. 


Billy  Root  Has  an  Enquiring  Mind  —  Mr.  Root  De- 
lighted with  His  Son's  Ambition  —  A  New  Transla- 
tion of  Our  National  Motto. 

When  Billy  Root  was  a  little  boy  he  was  of  a  philo- 
sophical and  investigating  turn  of  mind,  and  wanted  to 
know  almost  everything.  He  also  desired  to  know  it 
immediately.  He  could  not  wait  for  time  to  develop 
his  intellect,  but  he  crowded  things  and  wore  out  the 
patience  of  his  father,  a  learned  savant,  who  was  presi- 
dent of  a  livery  stable  in  Chicago. 

One  day  Billy  ran  across  the  grand  hailing  sign, 
which  is  generally  represented  as  a  tape- worm  m  the 
beak  of  the  American  eagle,  on  which  is  inscribed  "  E 
Pluribus  Unrnm."  Billy,  of  course,  asked  his  father 
what  "  E  Pluribus  Unum"  meant.  He  wanted  to 
gather  in  all  the  knowledge  he  could,  so  that  when  he 
came  out  West  he  could  associate  with  some  of  our  best 
men. 

"  I  admire  your  strong  appetite  for  knowledge,  Billy," 
said  Mr,  Root;  "  you  have  a  morbid  craving  for  cold 
hunks  of  ancient  history  and  cyclopedia  that  does  my 
soul  good;  I  am  glad,  too,  that  you  come  to  your  father 
to  get  accurate  data  for  your  collection.  That  is  right. 
Your  father  will  always  lay  aside  his  work  at  any  time 
and  gorge  your  young  mind  with  knowledge  that  will 
be  as  useful  to  you  as  a  farrow  cow.     'E  Pluribus 

181 


182  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

Unum*  is  an  old  Greek  inscription  that  has  been  handed 
down  from  generation  to  generation,  preserved  in  brine, 
and  signifies  that  '  the  tail  goes  with  the  hide.' " 


A  GRAVE  QUESTION. 

"What  becomes  of  our  bodies?"  asks  a  soft-eyed 
scientist,  and  we  answer  in  stentorian  tones,  that  they 
get  inside  of  a  red  flannel  undershirt  as  the  maple 
turns  to  crimson  and  the  sassafras  to  gold.  Ask  us 
something;  difficult,  ethereal  beins:. 


THOUGHTS. 

It  seems  that  quince  seeds  are  now  largely  used  by 
the  girls  in  convincing  their  bangs  to  stay  bung.  That 
is,  the  quince  seed  is  manufactured  into  a  mucilage  that 
holds  a  little  flat  curl  in  place  a  week.  In  consequence 
of  this,  quince  seeds  have  increased  in  price  and  de- 
creased in  quantity  till  the  girls  pay  seven  prices  for 
them  or  go  without. 

If  they  would  adopt  our  style  of  bang,  much  trouble 
and  expense  would  be  avoided.  We  bang  our  hair 
with  a  damp  towel,  and  it  don't  bother  us  again  for  two 
weeks.  Being  the  proprietor,  in  the  first  place,  of  a 
style  of  hair  of  the  delicate  color  peculiar  to  a  streak 
of  moonlight,  it  didn't  at  any  time  make  much  differ- 
ence whether  we  did  it  up  in  tin  foil  every  night  or 
not,  and  now  that  cares  like  a  wild  deluge  have  come 
upon  us  thick  and  fast,  we  have  enlarged  our  intellect- 
ual skating  rink  and  we  find,  with  unalloyed  pleasure, 
that  the  time  we  once  devoted  to  parting  our  pale,  con- 
sumptive tresses  can  be  entirely  devoted  to  excessive 
mental  effort,  and  pleasant  memories  of  a  well  spent  life. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.  XXYIII. 


BILL  NYE  AT  A  TOURNAMENT. 


A  Tournament  with  Gloves  —  Dumh-hells  —  Horizontal 
Bars  —  Analysis  of  the  Boxing-glove — A  Clerical 
Error — My  Young  Brother'' s  Beauty  Preserved. 

I  have  just  returned  from  a  little  two-handed  tour- 
nament with  the  gloves.  I  have  filled  my  nose  with 
cotton  waste  so  that  I  shall  not  soak  this  sketch  in  gore 
as  I  write. 

I  needed  a  little  healthful  exercise  and  was  looking 
for  something  that  would  be  full  of  vigorous  enthusi- 
asm, and  at  the  same  time  promote  the  healthful  flow 
of  blood  to  the  muscles.  This  was  rather  diflScult.  I 
tried  most  everything,  but  failed.  Being  a  sociable 
being  (joke)  I  wanted  other  people  to  help  me  exercise 
or  go  along  with  me  when  I  exercised.  Some  men  can 
go  away  to  a  desert  isle  and  have  fun  with  dumb-bells 
and  a  horizontal  bar,  but  to  me  it  would  seem  dull  and 
commonplace  after  a  while,  and  I  would  yearn  for 
more  humanity. 

Two  of  us  finally  concluded  to  play  billiards;  but  we 
were  only  amateurs  and  the  owner  intimated  that  he 
would  want  the  table  for  Fourth  of  July,  so  we  broke 
off"  in  the  middle  of  the  first  game  and  I  paid  for  it. 

Then  a  younger  brother  said  he  had  a  set  of  boxing- 
gloves  in  his  room,  and  although  I  Avas  the  taller  and 
had  longer  arms,  he  would  hold  up  as  long  as  he  could, 

185 


186  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

and  I  might  hammer  him  until  I  gained  strength  and 
finally  got  well. 

I  accepted  this  offer  because  I  had  often  regretted 
that  I  had  not  made  myself  familiar  with  tliis  art,  and 
also  because  I  knew  it  would  create  a  thrill  of  interest 
and  fire  me  with  ambition,  and  that's  what  a  hollow- 
eyed  invalid  needs  to  put  him  on  the  road  to  recovery. 

The  boxing-glove  is  a  large  fat  mitten,  with  an 
abnormal  thumb  and  a  string  at  the  wrist  by  which 
you  tie  it  on,  so  that  when  you  feed  it  to  your  adver- 
sary he  cannot  swallow  it  and  choke  himself.  I  had 
never  seen  any  boxing-gloves  before,  but  my  brother 
said  they  were  soft  and  wouldn't  hurt  anybody.  So 
we  took  off  some  of  our  raiment  and  put  them  on. 
Then  we  shook  hands.  I  can  remember  distinctly  yet 
that  we  shook  hands.  That  was  to  show  that  we  were 
friendly  and  would  not  slay  each  other. 

My  brother  is  a  great  deal  younger  than  I  am  and 
so  I  warned  him  not  to  get  excited  and  come  for  me 
with  anything  that  would  look  like  wikl  and  ungovern- 
able fury,  because  I  might,  in  the  heat  of  debate,  pile 
his  jaw  upon  his  forehead  and  fill  his  ear  full  of  sore 
thumb.  He  said  that  was  all  right  and  he  would  try 
to  be  cool  and  collected. 

Then  we  put  our  right  toes  together  and  I  told  him 
to  be  on  his  guard.  At  that  moment  I  dealt  him  a 
terrific  blow  aimed  at  his  nose,  but  through  a  clerical 
error  of  mine  it  went  over  his  shoulder  and  spent  itself 
in  the  wall  of  the  room,  shattering  a  small  holly- wood 
bracket,  for  which  I  paid  him  $3.75  afterward.  I  did 
not  wish  to  buy  the  bracket  because  I  had  two  at 
home,  but  he  was  arbitrary  about  it  and  I  bought  it. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  187 

We  then  took  another  athletic  posture,  and  in  two 
seconds  the  air  was  full  of  poulticed  thumb  and  buck- 
skin mitten.  I  soon  detected  a  chance  to  put  one  in 
where  my  brother  could  smell  of  it,  but  I  never  knew 
just  where  it  struck,  for  at  that  moment  I  ran  up 
against  something  with  the  pit  of  my  stomach  that 
made  me  throw  up  the  sponge,  along  with  some  other 
groceries,  the  names  of  which  I  cannot  now  recall. 

My  brother  then  proposed  that  we  take  off  the 
gloves,  but  I  thought  I  had  not  sufficiently  punished 
him,  and  that  another  round  would  complete  the  con- 
quest, which  was  then  almost  within  my  grasp.  I  took 
a  bismuth  powder  and  squared  myself,  but  in  warding 
off  a  left-hander,  I  forgot  about  my  adversary's  right, 
and  ran  my  nose  into  the  middle  of  his  boxing-glove. 
Fearing  that  I  had  injured  him,  I  retreated  rapidly  on 
my  elbows  and  shoulder-blades  to  the  corner  of  the 
room,  thus  giving  him  ample  time  to  recover.  B}'  this 
means  my  3^ounger  brother's  features  were  saved,  and 
are  to  day  as  symmetrical  as  my  own. 

I  can  still  cough  up  pieces  of  boxing-gloves,  and 
when  I  close  my  eyes  I  can  see  calcium  lights  and  blue 
phosphorescent  gleams  across  the  horizon ;  but  I  am 
thoroughly  convinced  that  there  is  no  physical  exercise 
which  yields  the  same  amount  of  health  and  elastic 
vigor  to  the  puncher  that  the  manly  art  does.  To  the 
punchee,  also,  it  affords  a  large  wad  of  glad  surprises 
and  nose  bleed,  which  cannot  be  hurtful  to  those  who 
hanker  for  the  pleasing  nervous  shock,  the  spinal  jar, 
and  the  pyrotechnic  concussion. 

That  is  why  I  shall  continue  the  exercises  after  I  have 
practiced  with  a  mule  or  a  cow-catcher  two  or  three 
weeks,  and  feel  a  little  more  confidence  in  myself. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    XXIX. 


A  SOCIAL  CURSE  — THE  MAN  WHO  INTERRUPTS. 


The  Spirit  of  the  "  Red  Vigilanter'^  —  The  Common 
Plug  Who  Thinks  Aloud — The  Man  and  his  Wife 
Who  Finish  Your  Story — Common  Decency  Ought 
to  Hide  Conversation. 

I  do  not,  as  a  rule,  thirst  for  the  blood  of  my  fello\V' 
man.  I  am  willing  that  the  law  should  in  all  ordinary 
cases  take  its  course,  but  when  we  begin  to  discuss  the 
man  who  breaks  into  a  conversation  and  ruins  it  with 
his  own  irrelevant  ideas,  regardless  of  the  feelings  of 
humanity,  I  am  not  a- law  and  order  man.  The  spirit 
of  the  "Red  Vigilanter"  is  roused  in  my  breast  and  I 
hunger  for  the  blood  of  that  man. 

Interrupters  are  of  two  classes :  First  the  common 
plug  who  thinks  aloud,  and  whose  conversation  wan- 
ders with  his  so-called  mind.  He  breaks  into  the  sad- 
dest and  sweetest  of  sentiment,  and  the  choicest  and 
most  tearful  of  pathos,  with  the  remorseless  ignorance 
ythat  marks  a  stump-tail  cow  in  a  dahlia  bed.  He  is 
the  bull  in  my  china  shop,  the  wormwood  in  my  wine, 
and  the  kerosene  in  my  maple  syrup.  I  am  shy  in 
conversation,  and  my  unfettered  flights  of  poesy  and 
sentiment  are  rare,  but  this  man  is  always  near  to  mar 
it  all  with  a  remark,  or  a  marginal  note,  or  a  story,  or 
a  bit  of  politics,  ready  to  bust  my  beautiful  dream  and 
make  me  wish  that  his  name  might  be  carved  on  a 
marble  slab  in  some  quiet  cemetery,  far  away. 

188 


OLD   AND   NEW.  189 

Dear  reader,  did  you  ever  meet  this  man  —  or  his 
wife  ?  Did  you  ever  strike  some  beautiful  thought 
and  begin  to  reel  if  off  to  your  friends,  only  to  be  shut 
off  in  the  middle  of  a  sentence  by  this  choice  and  ban- 
ner idiot  of  conversation  ?  If  so,  come  and  sit  by  me, 
and  you  may  pour  your  woes  into  my  ear,  and  I  in 
turn  will  pour  a  few  gallons  into  your  listening  ear. 

I  do  not  care  to  talk  more  than  my  share  of  the 
time,  but  I  would  be  glad  to  arrive  at  a  conclusion 
just  to  see  how  it  would  seem.  I  would  be  so  pleased 
and  so  joyous  to  follow  up  an  anecdote  till  I  had 
reached  the  "  nub,"  as  it  were,  to  chase  argument  home 
to  conviction,  and  to  clinch  assertion  with  authority 
and  evidence. 

The  second  class  of  interrupters  is  even  worse.  It 
consists  of  the  man  —  and,  I  am  pained  to  state,  his 
wife  also  —  who  see  the  general  drift  of  your  remarks 
and  finish  out  your  story,  your  gem  of  thought  or  your 
argument.  It  is  very  seldom  that  they  do  this  as  you 
would  do  it  yourself,  but  they  are  kind  and  thoughtful 
and  their  services  are  always  at  hand.  No  matter  how 
busy  they  may  be,  they  will  leave  their  own  work  and 
fly  to  your  aid.  With  the  light  of  sympathy  in  their 
eyes,  they  rush  into  the  conversation,  and,  partaking  of 
your  own  zeal,  they  take  the  words  from  your  mouth, 
and  cheerfully  suck  the  juice  out  of  3^our  joke,  handing 
back  the  rind  and  hoping  for  reward.  That  is  where 
they  get  left,  so  far  as  I  am  concerned.  I  am  almost 
always  ready  to  repay  rudeness  with  rudeness,  and 
cold  preserved  gall  with  such  acrid  sarcasm  as  I  may 
be  able  to  secure  at  the  moment.  No  one  will  ever 
know  how  I  yearn  for  the  blood  of  the  interrupter.  At 


190  BILL  NYE*S  0HESTNUT8 

night  I  camp  on  his  trail,  and  all  the  day  I  tnirst  for 
his  warm  life's  current.  In  my  dreams  I  am  cutting 
his  scalp  loose  with  a  case-knife,  while  my  fingers  are 
twined  in  his  clustering  hair.  I  walk  over  him  and 
promenade  across  his  abdomen  as  I  slumber.  I  hear 
his  ribs  crack,  and  I  see  his  tongue  hang  over  his 
shoulder  as  he  smiles  death's  mirthful  smile. 

I  do  not  interrupt  a  man  no  more  than  I  would  tell 
him  he  lied.  I  give  him  a  chance  to  win  applause  or 
decomposed  eggs  from  the  audience,  according  to  what 
he  has  to  say,  and  according  to  the  profundity  of  his 
profund.  All  I  want  is  a  similar  chance  and  room 
according  to  my  strength.  Common  decency  ought  to 
govern  conversation  without  its  being  necessary  to  hire 
an  umpire  armed  with  a  four-foot  club,  to  announce 
who  is  at  the  bat  and  who  is  on  deck. 

It  is  only  once  in  a  week  or  two  that  the  angel 
troubles  the  waters  and  stirs  up  the  depths  of  my  con- 
versational powers,  and  then  the  chances  are  that  some 
leprous  old  nasty  toad  who  has  been  hanging  on  the 
brink  of  decent  society  for  two  weeks,  slides  in  with  a 
low  kerplunk,  and  my  fair  blossom  of  thought  that  has 
been  trying  for  weeks  to  bloom,  withers  and  goes  to 
seed,  while  the  man  with  the  chilled  steel  and  copper- 
rivetsd  brow,  and  a  wad  of  self-esteem  on  his  intellect- 
ual balcony  as  big  as  an  inkstand,  walks  slowly  away 
to  think  of  some  other  dazzling  gem,  and  thus  be  ready 
to  bust  my  beautiful  phantom,  and  tear  out  my  high 
priced  bulbs  of  fancy  the  next  time  I  open  my  mouth. 


CHESTNUT-BURK.    XXX. 


A  DISCOURSE  ON  CATS. 


Anybody  Ought  to  Be  Unhajypy  Enough  Without  a  Cat- 
A  Tram  J)  Cat — He  Only  Wanted  to  he  Loved  a  Little^ 
He  Was  Too  Much  Given  to  Investigation — Mademoi 
selle  Bridget  O'Dooley  —  The  Plaintive  Voice  Ceases. 
I  am  not  fond  of  cats,  as  a  general  rule.     1  never 
yearned  to  have  one  around  the  house.     My  idea  al- 
ways was,  that  I  could  have  trouble  enough  in  a  legiti- 
mate way  without  adding  a  cat  to  my  woes.     "With  a 
belligerent  cook  and  a  communistic  laundress,  it  seems 
to   me   most   anybody  ought  to   be   unhappy  enough 
without  a  cat. 

I  never  owned  one  until  a  tramp  cat  came  to  our 
house  one  day  during  the  present  autumn,  and  tearfully 
asked  to  be  loved.  He  didn't  have  anything  in  his 
make-up  that  was  calculated  to  win  anybody's  love, 
but  he  seemed  contented  with  a  little  affection, — one 
ear  was  gone,  and  his  tail  \^'as  bald  for  six  inches  at 
the  end,  and  he  was  otherwise  well  calculated  to  wnn 
confidence  and  sympathy.  Though  we  could  not  be 
madly  m  love  Avith  him,  we  decided  to  be  friends,  and 
give  him  a  chance  to  win  the  general  respect. 

Everything  would  have  turned  out  all  right  if  the 
bobtail  waif  had  not  been  a  little  given  to  investiga- 
tion. He  wanted  to  know  more  about  the  great  world 
in  which  he  lived,  so  he  began  by  inspecting  my  house. 
He  got  into  the  store-room  closet,  and  found  a  place 

191 


192  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

where  the  carpenter  had  not  completed  his  job.  This 
is  a  feature  of  the  Laramie  artisan's  style.  He  leaves 
little  places  in  unobserved  corners  generally,  so  that 
he  can  come  back  some  day  and  finish  it  at  an  addi- 
tional cost  of  fifty  dollars.  This  cat  observed  that  he 
could  enter  at  this  point  and  go  all  over  the  imposing 
structure  between  the  flooring  and  the  ceiling.  He 
proceeded  to  do  so. 

*  *  *  *  -Sfr  *  * 

We  will  now  suppose  that  a  period  of  two  days  has 
passed.  The  wide  halls  and  spacious  facades  of  the 
IS'ye  mansion  are  still.  The  lights  in  the  banquet-hall 
are  extinguished,  and  the  ice-cream  freezer  is  hushed 
to  rest  in  the  wood-shed.  A  soft  and  tearful  yowl, 
deepened  into  a  regular  ring-tail-peeler,  splits  the  solemn 
night  in  twain.  Nobody  seemed  to  know  where  it 
came  from.  I  rose  softly  and  went  to  where  the  sound 
had  seemed  to  well  up  from.     It  was  not  there. 

I  stood  on  a  piece  of  cracker  in  the  dining-room  a 
moment,  waiting  for  it  to  come  again.  This  time  it 
came  from  the  boudoir  of  our  French  artist  in  soup- 
bone  symphonies  and  pie  —  Mademoiselle  Bridget 
O'Dooley.  I  went  there  and  opened  the  door  softly, 
so  as  to  let  the  cat  out  without  disturbing  the  giant 
mind  that  had  worn  itself  out  during  the  day  in  the 
kitchen,  bestowing  a  dry  shampoo  to  the  china. 

Then  I  changed  my  mind  and  came  out.  Several 
articles  of  'oertu^  beside  Bridget,  followed  me  with 
some  degree  of  vigor. 

The  next  time  the  tramp  cat  yowled  he  seemed  to  be 
in  the  recesses  of  the  bath-room.  I  went  down  stairs 
and  investigated.     In  doing  so  I  drove  my  superior  toe 


OLD   AND    NEW.  193 

into  my  foot,  out  of  sight,  with  a  door  that  I  en- 
countered. My  wife  joined  me  in  the  search.  She 
could  not  do  much,  but  she  aided  me  a  tliousartd  times 
by  her  counsel.  If  it  had  not  been  for  her  mature 
advice  I  might  have  lost  much  of  the  invigorating 
exercise  of  that  memorable  night. 

Toward  morning  we  discovered  that  the  cat  was  be- 
tween the  floor  of  the  children's  play-room  and  the 
ceiling  of  the  dining-room.  We  tried  till  daylight  to 
persuade  the  cat  to  come  out  and  get  acquainted,  but 
he  would  not. 

At  last  we  decided  that  the  quickest  way  to  get  the 
poor  little  thing  out  was  to  let  him  die  in  there,  and 
then  we  could  tear  up  that  portion  of  the  house  and 
get  him  out.  While  he  lived  we  couldn't  keep  him  still 
long  enough  to  tear  a  hole  in  the  house  and  get  at  him. 

It  was  a  little  unpleasant  for  a  day  or  two  waiting 
for  death  to  come  to  his  relief,  for  he  seemed  to  die 
hard,  but  at  last  the  unearthly  midnight  yowl  was  still. 
The  plaintive  little  voice  ceased  to  vibrate  on  the  still 
and  pulseless  air.  Later,  we  found,  however,  that  he 
was  not  dead.  In  a  lucid  interval  he  had  discovered 
the  hole  in  the  store-room  where  he  entered,  and,  as  we 
found  afterward  a  gallon  of  coal-oil  spilled  in  a  barrel 
of  cut-loaf  sugar,  we  concluded  that  he  had  escaped  by 
that  route. 

That  was  th6  only  time  that  I  ever  kept  a  cat,  and  I 
indn't  do  it  then  because  I  was  suffering  for  something 
to  fondle.  I've  got  a  good  deal  of  surplus  affection,  I 
know,  but  I  don't  have  to  spread  it  out  over  a  stump- 
tail  orphan  cat. 
13 


CHESTNUT-BUKR.    XXXI. 


THE  GREAT  ORATION  OF  SPARTACUS. 


Adapted  from  the   Original  —  Triumjyh  in  Capua  — 

The  Oration,  Begun  —  Spartacus  Tells  the  Story  of 

His  Life  —  Scenes  in  the  Arena. 

It  had  been  a  day  of  triumph  in  Capua.  Lentulus 
returning  with  victorious  eagles,  had  aroused  the  pop- 
ulace with  the  sports  of  the  amphitheater,  to  an  extent 
hitherto  unknown  even  in  that  luxurious  city.  A  large 
number  of  people  from  the  rural  districts  had  been  in 
town  to  watch  the  conflict  in  the  arena,  and  to  listen 
with  awe  and  veneration  to  the  infirm  and  decrepit 
ring  jokes 

The  shouts  of  revelry  had  died  away.  The  last 
loiterer  had  retired  from  the  free-lunch  counter,  and 
the  lights  in  the  palace  of  the  victor  were  extinguished. 
The  moon  piercing  the  tissue  of  fleecy  clouds,  tipped 
the  dark  waters  of  the  Tiber  with  a  wav}^  tremulous 
light.  The  dark-browed  Roman  soldier  moved  on  his 
homeward  way,  the  sidewalk  occasionally  flying  up 
and  hitting  him  in  the  back. 

No  sound  was  heard  save  the  low  sob  of  some  retir- 
ing wave,  as  it  told  its  story  to  the  smooth  pebbles  of 
the  beach,  or  the  unrelenting  boot-jack  struck  the  high 
board  fence  in  the  back  yard,  just  missing  the  Roman 
Tom  cat  in  its  mad  flight,  and  then  all  was  still  as  the 
breast  when  the  spirit  has  departed.  Anon  the  Roman 
snore  would  steal  in  upon  the  deathly  silence,  and  then 

194 


OLD   AND  NEW  195 

die  away  like  the  sough  of  a  summer  breeze.  In  the 
green-room  of  the  amphitheater  a  httle  band  of  gladi- 
ators were  assembled.  The  foam  of  conflict  yet  lin- 
gered on  their  lips,  the  scowl  of  battle  yet  hung  upon 
their  brows,  and  the  large  knobs  on  their  classic  pro- 
files indicated  that  it  had  been  a  busy  day  with  them. 

There  was  an  embarassing  silence  of  about  five  min- 
utes, when  Spartacus,  borrowing  a  chew  of  tobacco 
from  Aurelius,  stepped  forth  and  thus  addressed  them  : 

"'  Mr.  Chairman,  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  :  Ye  call  me 
chief,  and  ye  do  well  to  call  him  chief  who  for  twelve 
long  years  has  met  in  the  arena  every  shape  of  man  or 
beast  that  the  broad  empire  of  Rome  could  furnish, 
and  yet  has  never  lowered  his  arm.  I  do  not  say  this 
to  brag,  however,  but  simply  to  show  that  I  am  the 
star  thumper  of  the  entire  outfit. 

"  If  there  be  one  among  you  who  can  say  that  ever  in 
public  fight  or  private  brawl  my  actions  did  belie  my 
words,  let  him  stand  forth  and  say  it,  and  I  will  spread 
him  around  over  the  arena  till  the  coroner  will  have  to 
gather  him  up  with  blotting  paper.  If  there  be  three 
in  all  your  company  dare  face  me  on  the  bloody  sands, 
let  them  come,  and  I  will  construct  upon  their  physiog- 
omy  such  cupolas,  and  royal  cornices,  and  Corinthian 
Capitols,  and  entablatures,  that  their  own  mothers  would 
pass  them  by  in  the  broad  light  of  high  noon,  unrecog- 
nized. 

"  And  yet  I  was  not  always  thus  —  a  hired  butcher  — 
the  savage  chief  of  still  more  savage  men. 

"  My  ancestors  came  from  old  Sparta,  the  count}?  seat 
of  Marcus  Aurelius  county,  and  settled  among  the  vine- 
clad  hills  and  cotton  groves  of  Syrsilla.    My  early  life 


196  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

ran  quiet  as  the  clear  brook  by  which  I  sported.  Aside 
from  the  gentle  patter  of  the  maternal  slipper  on  my 
overalls,  everything  moved  along  with  me  like  the  silent 
oleaginous  flow  of  the  ordinary  goose  grease.  My 
boyhood  was  one  long,  happy  summer  day.  We  stole 
the  Roman  muskmelon,  and  put  split  sticks  on  the  tail 
of  the  Roman  dog,  and  life  was  one  continuous  halle- 
lujah. 

"  When  at  noon  I  led  the  sheep  beneath  the  shade 
and  played  the  Sweet  Bye-and-Bye  on  my  shepherd's 
flute,  there  was  another  Spartan  youth,  the  son  of  a 
neighbor,  to  join  me  in  the  pastime.  We  led  our  flocks 
to  the  same  pasture,  and  together  picked  the  large  red 
ants  out  of  our  indestructible  sandwiches. 

"  One  evening,  after  the  sheep  had  been  driven  into 
the  corral  and  we  were  all  seated  beneath  the  persim- 
mon tree  that  shaded  our  humble  cottage,  my  grand- 
sire,  an  old  man,  was  telling  of  Marathon,  and  Leuctra, 
and  George  Francis  Train,  and  Dr.  Mary  Walker  and 
other  great  men,  and  how  a  little  band  of  Spartans, 
under  Sitting  Bull,  had  withstood  the  entire  regular 
army.  I  did  not  then  know  what  war  was,  but  my 
cheek  burned,  I  knew  not  why,  and  I  thought  what  a 
glorious  thing  it  would  be  to  leave  the  reservation  and 
go  on  the  warpath.  But  my  mother  kissed  my  throb- 
bing temples  and  bade  me  go  soak  my  head  and 
think  no  more  of  those  old  tales  and  savage  wars.  That 
very  night  the  Romans  landed  on  our  coasts.  They 
pillaged  the  whole  country,  burned  the  agency  build- 
ings, demolished  the  ranch,  rode  off  the  stock,  tore  down 
the  smoke-house,  and  rode  their  war  horses  over  th^ 
cucumber  vines. 


OLD    AND   NEW.  197 

"  To-day  I  killed  a  man  in  the  arena,  and  when  I  broke 
his  helmet-clasps  and  looked  upon  him,  behold  !  he  was 
my  friend.  The  same  sweet  smile  Avas  on  his  face  that 
I  had  known  when  in  adventurous  boyhood  we  bathed 
in  the  glassy  lake  by  our  Spartan  home  and  he  had  tied 
my  shirt  into  1,752  dangerous  and  difficult  knots. 

"  He  knew  me,  smiled  some  more,  said  '  Ta,  ta,'  and 
ascended  the  golden  stair.  I  begged  of  the  Praetor 
that  I  might  be  allowed  to  bear  away  the  body  and 
have  it  packed  in  ice  and  shipped  to  his  friends  near 
Syrsilla,  but  he  couldn't  see  it. 

"  A.y,  upon  my  bended  knees,  amidst  the  dust  and 
blood  of  the  arena,  I  begged  this  poor  boon,  and  the 
Praetor  answered :  '  Let  the  carrion  rot.  There  are 
no  noble  men  but  Romans  and  Ohio  men.  Let  the 
show  go  on.  Bring  in  the  bobtail  lion  from  Abyssinia.' 
And  the  assembled  maids  and  matrons  and  the  rabble 
shouted  in  derision  and  told  me  to  '  brace  up '  and  '  have 
some  style  about  ray  clothes '  and  '  to  give  it  to  us  easy,' 
with  other  Roman  flngs  which  I  do  not  now  call  to 
mind. 

''  zind  so  must  you,  fellow  gladiators,  and  so  must  I, 
die  like  dogs. 

"  To-morrow  we  are  billed  to  appear  at  the  Coliseum 
at  Rome,  and  reserved  seats  are  being  sold  at  the  corner 
of  Third  and  Corse  streets  for  our  moral  and  instruct- 
ive performance  while  I  am  speaking  to  you. 

"  Ye  stand  here  like  giants  as  ye  are,  but  to-morrow 
some  Roman  Adonis  with  a  sealskin  cap  will  pat  your 
red  brawn  and  bet  his  sesterces  upon  your  blood. 

"  O  Rome !  Rome  !  Thou  hast  been  indeed  a  tender 
nurse  to  me.    Thou  hast  given  to  that  gentle,  timid 


198  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

shepherd  lad  who  never  knew  a  harsher  tone  than  a 
flute  note,  muscles  of  iron,  and  a  heart  like  the  ada- 
mantine lemon  pie  of  the  railroad  lunch-room.  Thou 
hast  taught  him  to  drive  his  sword  through  plated  mail 
and  links  of  rugged  brass,  and  warm  it  in  the  palpi- 
tating gizzard  of  his  foe,  and  to  gaze  into  the  glaring 
eyeballs  of  the  fierce  Numidian  lion  even  as  the  smooth- 
cheeked  Roman  Senator  looks  into  the  laughing  eyes  of 
the  girls  in  the  treasury  department. 

"  And  he  shall  pay  thee  back  till  thy  rushing  Tiber 
is  red  as  frothing  wine ;  and  in  its  deepest  ooze  thy  life- 
blood  lies  curdled.  You  doubtless  hear  the  gentle 
murmur  of  my  bazoo. 

"Hark!  Hear  ye  yon  lion  roaring  in  his  den?  'Tis 
three  days  since  he  tasted  flesh,  but  to-morrow  he  will 
have  gladiator  on  toast,  and  don't  j^ou  forget  it ;  and 
he  will  fling  your  vertebrae  about  his  cage  like  the  star 
pitcher  of  a  champion  nine. 

"  If  ye  are  brutes,  then  stand  here  like  fat  oxen  waiting 
for  the  butcher's  knife.  If  ye  are  men,  arise  and  fol- 
low me.  Strike  down  the  warden  and  the  turnkey, 
overpower  the  police,  and  cut  for  the  tall  timber.  We 
will  break  through  the  city  gate,  capture  the  war-horse 
of  the  drunken  Roman,  flee  away  to  the  lava  beds,  and 
there  do  bloody  work,  as  did  our  sires  at  old  Tlier- 
mopylae,  scalp  the  western-bound  emigrant,  and  make 
the  hen-roosts  around  Capua  look  sick. 

"  O,  comrades  !  warriors  !  gladiators ! ! 

"  If  we  be  men,  let  us  die  like  men,  beneath  the  blue 
sky,  and  by  the  still  waters,  and  be  buried  according  to 
Gunter,  instead  of  having  our  shin  bones  polislied  off 
by  Nuraidian  lions,  amid  the  groans  and  hisses  of  a 
snide  Roman  populace." 


CHESTNUT-BUEK.     XXXII. 


WOMAN'S  SUFFRAGE   IN  WYOMING. 


tiome  Pertinent  Questions  Asked — Answers  Attempted 
—  Vcd liable  TestiTnonials. 

The  managing  editor  of  a  Boston  paper  is  getting 
material  togetlier  relative  to  the  practical  workings  of 
Woman's  suffrage,  and  as  Wyoming  is  at  present  work- 
ing a  scheme  of  that  kind,  he  wants  an  answer  to  the 
following  questions  : 

1.  —  Has  it  been  of  real  benefit  to  the  territory? 

2.  —  If  so,  what  has  it  accomplished  ? 

3.  —  ow  does  it  affect  education,  morals,  courts, 
etc,  ? 

4.  —  What  proportion  of  the  women  vote  ? 

ANSWEKS. 

1.  —  Yes,  it  has  indeed  been  of  real  benefit  to  the 
territory  in  many  ways.  Until  woman's  suffrage 
came  among  us,  life  was  a  drag  —  a  monotonous  same- 
ness, and  simultaneous  continuousness.  Now  it  is  not 
that  way.  Woman  comes  forward  with  her  ballot, 
and  puts  new  life  into  the  flagging  energies  of  the 
great  political  circles.  She  purifies  the  political  at- 
mosphere, and  comes  to  the  polls  with  her  suffrage 
done  up  in  a  little  wad,  and  rammed  down  into  her 
glove,  and  redeems  the  country. 

2.  —  It  has  accomplished  more  than  the  great  outside 

199 


200  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

world  wots  of.  Philosophers  and  statesmen  may  think 
that  they  wot ;  but  they  don't.     Not  a  wot. 

To  others  outside  of  Wyoming,  woman's  suffrage  is 
a  mellow  dream  ;  but  here  it  is  a  continuous,  mellow, 
yielding  reality.  We  know  what  we  are  talking  about. 
We  are  acquainted  with  a  lady  who  came  here  with 
the  light  of  immortality  shining  in  her  eye,  and  the 
music  of  the  spheres  was  singing  in  her  ears.  She  was 
apparently  on  her  last  limbs,  if  w^e  may  be  allowed 
that  expression.  But  woman's  suffrage  came  to  her 
with  healing  on  its  wings,  and  the  rose  of  health  again 
bloomed  on  her  cheek,  and  her  appetite  came  back  like 
the  famine  in  Ireland.  Now  she  wrestles  w4th  the 
cast-iron  majolica  ware  of  the  kitchen  during  the  day, 
and  in  the  evening  \7orks  a  cross-eyed  elephant  on  a 
burlap  tid}'^,  and  talks  about  the  remonetization  of  the 
currency. 

Without  attempting  to  answ^er  the  last  two  questions 
in  a  short  article  like  this,  we  wall  simply  give  a  few 
certificates  and  testimonials  of  those  who  have  tried  it: 
Pkaieie-Dog  Panche,  Jan.  3,  1888. 

'■''Dear  Sir:  I  take  great  pleasure  in  bearing  testi- 
mony to  the  efficacy  of  w^oman's  suffrage.  It  is  indeed 
a  boon  to  thousands.  I  was  troubled  in  the  East  beyond 
measure  wath  an  ingrow^ing  nail  on  the  most  extensive 
toe.  It  caused  me  great  pain  and  annoyance.  I  was 
compelled  to  do  my  work  w^earing  an  old  gum  over- 
shoe of  my  husband's.  Since  using  woman's  suffrage 
only  a  few  months,  my  toe  is  entirely  well,  and  I  now 
wear  my  husband's  fine  boots  with  perfect  ease.    As  a 


OLD   AND   NEW  201 

remedy  for  ingrowing  nails  I  can  safely  recommend 
the  woman's  suffrage.        Sassafras  Oleson." 


Miner's  Delight,  Jan.  23,  1888. 
"  Deer  Sur :  Two  year  ago  mi  waife  fell  down  into 
a  nold  sellar  and  droav  her  varyloid  through  the  Sarah 
bell  urn.  I  thot  she  was  a  Gonner.  I  woz  then  livin' 
in  the  sou  west  potion  of  Injeanny.  I  moved  to  where 
i  now  am  leaving  sevral  onsettled  accounts  where  i 
lived.  But  i  wood  do  almost  anything  to  recover  mi 
waifs  helth.  She  tried  Woman's  Suffrins  and  can  now 
lick  nie  with  1  hand  tied  behind  hur.  i  o  everything  to 
the  f^-ee  yuse  of  the  femail  ballot.     So  good  bi 

at  Present        Union  Forever  McGilliqin." 


Rawhide,  Feb.  2,  1888. 

''  Dea)'  Sir:  I  came  to  Wyoming  one  year  ago  to- 
day At  that  time  I  only  weighed  153  pounds  and 
felt  all  the  time  as  though  I  might  die.  I  was  a  walk- 
ing skeleton.  Coyotes  followed  me  when  I  went  away 
from  the  house. 

"  My  husband  told  me  to  try  Woman's  Suffrage.  I  did 
so.  I  have  now  run  up  to  my  old  weight  of  213  pounds, 
and  I  feel  that  with  the  proper  care  and  rest,  and  rich 
wholesome  diet,  I  may  be  spared  to  my  husband  and 
family  till  next  spring. 

"  I  am  now  joyful  and  happy.  I  go  about  my  work 
all  day  singing  Old  Zip  Coon  and  other  plaintive  mel- 
odies. After  using  Woman's  Suffrage  two  days  I  sat 
up  in  a  rocking  chair  and  ate  one  and  three-fourths 


202  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

mince  pies.     Then  I  worried  down  a  sugar-cured  ham 
and  have  been  gaining  ever  since. 

"  Ah !  it  is  a  pleasant  thing  to  come  back  to  life  and 
its  joys  again.  Yours  truly, 

Ethel  Lillian  Keksikes." 


PIGEON-TOED  PETE. 

But  stay !  Let  us  catch  a  rapid  outline  of  the  solitary 
horseman,  for  he  is  the  affianced  lover  and  soft-eyed 
gazelle  of  Luella  Frovvzletop,  the  queen  of  the  Skimmilk 
ranch.  He  is  evidently  a  man  of  say  twenty  sum- 
mers, with  a  sinister  expression  to  the  large,  ambitious, 
imported,  Italian  mouth.  A  broad-brimmed  white  hat 
with  a  scarlet  flannel  band  protects  his  gothic  features 
from  the  burning  sun,  and  a  pale-brown  ducking  suit 
envelops  his  little  form.  A  horsehair  lariat  hangs  at 
his  saddle  bow,  and  the  faint  suspicion  of  a  downy 
mustache  on  his  chiselled  upper  lip  is  just  beginning  to 
ooze  out  into  the  air,  as  if  ashamed  of  itself.  It  is  one 
of  those  sickly  mustaches,  a  kind  of  cross  between 
blonde  and  brindle,  which  mean  well  enough,  but 
never  amount  to  anything.  His  eyes  are  fierce  and 
restless,  with  short,  expressive,  white  eyelashes,  and 
his  nose  is  short  but  wide  out,  gradually  melting  away 
into  his  bronzed  and  stalwart  cheeks,  like  a  dish  of  ice- 
cream before  a  Sabbath  school  picnic.  Such  is  the 
rough  sketch  of  Pigeon-toed  Pete,  the  swain  who  had 
stolen  away  the  heart  of  Luella  Frowzletop,  the  queen 
of  the  Skimmilk  ranch. 


CHESTNUT-BURE.    XXXIII. 


CONCERNING  THE  SWALLOW. 


Discoveries  in    Ornithology  —  The    Soft  South    Wind 
Blows  —  The  Swallows  Draw  Near  — "  When  S^par- 
rows  Build  " —  What  the  Sioalloivs  Briny. 
Lately  I  have  made  some  valuable  discoveries   rela- 
tive to  ornithology,  and  I  will  give  some  of  them  to  the 
public,  for  I  love  to  shed  information  right  and  left  like 
a  normal  school. 

When  the  soft  south  wind  began  to  kiss  our  cheeks, 
and  the  horse-radisli  and  North  Park  prospector  began 
to  start,  the  swift-winged  swallows  drew  near  to  my 
picturesque  home  on  East  Fifth  street,  and  I  hoped  with 
a  great,  anxious,  throbbing  hope,  that  they  would  build 
beneath  the  Gothic  eaves  of  my  $200  ranche. 

I  would  take  my  guitar  at  the  sunset  hour,  and  sit  at 
my  door  in  a  camp-chair,  with  the  fading  glory  of  the 
dying  day  bathing  me  in  a  flood  of  golden  light,  and 
touching  up  my  chubby  form,  and  I  would  warble, 
"  When  Sparrows  Build,"  an  old  solo  in  J,  which  seems 
to  fit  my  voice,  and  the  swallows  would  flit  around  me 
on  tireless  wing,  and  squeak,  and  sling  mud  over  me  till 
the  cows  came  home. 

This  thing  had  gone  on  for  several  days,  and  the  little 
mud  houses  under  the  eaves  were  pretty  near  ready, 
and  in  the  mean  time  the  spring  bed-bug  had  come 
with  his  fragrant  breath,  and  turpentine,  and  quicksil- 
ver, and  lime,  and  aquafortis,  and  giant-powder,  and  a 

203 


204  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

feather,  has  made  my  home  a  howling  wilderness,  that 
smelled  like  a  city  drug  store. 

But  it  didn't  kill  the  bugs.  It  pleased  thera.  They 
called  a  meeting  and  tendered  me  a  vote  of  thanks  for 
the  kind  attentions  with  which  they  had  been  received. 
They  ate  all  these  diabolical  drugs,  not  only  on  regular 
days,  but  right  along  through  Lent. 

I  got  mad  and  resolved  to  insure  the  house  and  burn 
it  down.  One  evening  I  felt  sad  and  worn,  and  was 
trying  to  solace  myself  by  trilling  a  few  snatches  from 
Mendelssohn's  "  "Wail,"  written  in  the  key  of  G  for  a 
baritone  voice.  A  neighbor  came  along  and  stopped 
to  lean  over  the  gate,  and  drink  in  the  flood  of  melody 
which  I  was  spilling  out  on  the  evening  air.  When  I 
got  through  and  stopped  to  tune  my  guitar  anew,  and 
scratch  a  warm  place  on  my  arm,  he  asked  if  I  were 
not  afraid  that  those  swallows  would  bring  bed-bugs 
to  the  house. 

I  had  heard  that  before,  but  I  thought  it  was  a  cam- 
paign lie.  I  acted  on  the  suggestion,  however,  and 
taking  a  long  pole  from  behind  the  door,  where  I  keep 
it  for  pictorial  Bible  men,  I  knocked  down  a  'dobe  cot- 
tage and  proceeded  to  examine  it. 

It  was  level  full  of  imported  Merino  and  Cotswold 
and  Southdown  and  Early  Rose  and  Duchess  of  Olden- 
burg and  twenty-ounce  Pippins  and  Seek-no-further  bed- 
bugs. There  were  bed-bugs  in  modest  gray  ulsters  and 
bed-bugs  in  dregs  of  wine  and  old  gold,  bed-bugs  in 
ashes  of  roses  and  bed-bugs  in  elephants'  breath,  bed- 
bugs with  their  night-clothes  on  and  in  morning  wrap- 
pers, bed-bugs  that  were  just  going  on  the  night-shift, 


OLD    AND    NEW.  205 

and  bed-bugs  that  had  been  at  work  all  day  and  were 
just  going  to  bed. 

I  killed  all  I  could  and  then  drove  the  rest  into  a  pan 
of  coal  oil.  When  one  undertook  to  get  out  of  the  pan 
I  shot  him.  This  conflict  lasted  several  days.  I  neg- 
lected my  other  business  and  omitted  morning  prayers 
until  there  was  a  great  calm  and  the  swift-winged  swal- 
lows homeward  flew.  When  these  feathered  songsters 
come  around  my  humble  cot  anotlier  spring  they  will 
meet  with  a  cold,  unwelcome  reception.  I  shall  not 
even  ask  them  to  take  off"  their  things. 

I  have  formed  the  idea  somehow  from  watching  the 
eccentric,  nervous  flight  of  the  swallow,  that  when  he 
makes  one  of  those  swift  flank  movements  with  the 
speed  of  chain  lightning,  he  must  be  acting  from  the 
impulse  of  a  large,  earnest,  triangular  bed-bug  of  the 
boarding-house  variety.  I  may  be  wrong,  but  I  have 
given  this  matter  a  good  deal  of  attention,  and  whether 
this  theory  be  correct  or  not  I  do  not  care.  It  is  good 
enough  for  me. 


THE  HAPPY  CODFISH. 

A  distinguished  scientist  informs  us  that  "the  cod 
subsists  largely  on  the  sea  cherr3\"  Those  who  have- 
not  had  the  pleasure  of  seeing  the  codfish  climb  tiie 
sea  cherry  tree  in  search  of  food,  or  clubbing  the  fruit 
from  the  heavil^^-laden  branches  with  chunks  of  coral 
have  missed  a  very  fine  sight.  The  codfish,  when  at 
home  rambling  through  the  submarine  forests,  does  not 
wear  his  vest  unbuttoned,  as  he  does  while  loafing 
around  the  grocery  stores  of  the  United  States. 


CHESTNtTT-BTJER.  XXXIV. 


A  NOVEL  WAY  OF  MARKING  CLOTHES. 


An   Unobtruswe  Taciturn  Man — The  Invportance  of 

MarTciny    Clothes  —  A   Sad    End  for  the  Taciturn 

Mam.  —  A.  Crude  Autopsy. 

"The  most  quiet,  unobtrusive  man  I  ever  knew," 
said  Buck  Bramel,  "  was  a  young  fellow  who  went  into 
North  Park  in  an  early  day  from  the  Salmon  river. 
He  was  also  reserved  and  ta'^iturn  among  the  miners, 
and  never  made  any  suggestions  if  he  could  avoid  it. 
He  was  also  the  most  thoughtful  man  about  other 
people's  comfort  I  ever  knew. 

"  I  went  into  the  cabin  one  day  where  he  was  lying 
on  the  bed,  and  told  him  I  had  decided  to  go  into 
Laramie  for  a  couple  of  weeks  to  do  some  trading.  I 
put  my  valise  down  on  tlie  floor  and  was  going  out, 
when  he  asked  me  if  my  clothes  were  marked.  I  told 
him  that  I  never  marked  my  clothes.  If  the  washer- 
woman w^anted  to  mix  up  my  wardrobe  with  that  of  a 
female  seminary,  I  would  have  to  stand  it,  I  supposed. 

"  He  thought  I  ouglit  to  mark  my  clothes  before  I 
went  away,  and  said  he  would  attend  to  it  for  me.  So 
he  took  down  his  revolver  and  put  three  shots  through 
the  valise. 

"  After  that  a  coolness  sprang  up  between  us,  and 
the  warm  friendship  that  had  existed  so  long  w^as  more 
or  less  busted.  After  that  he  marked  a  man's  clothes 
over  in  Leadville  in  the  same  way,  only  the  man  had 

206 


muxx 


NOVEL    WAY  OF    MAEKIKG  CLOTHES. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  • 

them  on  at  the  time.  He  seemed  to  have  a  mania  on 
that  subject,  and  as  they  had  no  insanity  experts  at 
Leadville  in  those  days,  tliey  thought  the  most  econom- 
ical way  to  examine  his  brain  would  be  to  hang  him, 
and  then  send  the  brain  to  New  York  in  a  baking  pow- 
der can. 

"So  they  hung  him  one  night  to  tne  bough  of  a 
sighing  mountain  pine. 

"  The  autopsy  was,  of  course,  crude  ;  but  they  sawed 
open  his  head  and  scooped  out  the  brain  with  a  long 
handled  spoon  and  sent  it  on  to  New  York.  By  some 
mistake  or  other  it  got  mixed  up  with  some  sample 
specimens  of  ore  from  '  The  Brindle  Tom  Cat'  discovery, 
and  was  sent  to  the  assayer  in  New  York  instead  of 
the  insanity  smelter  and  refiner,  as  was  intended. 

"  The  result  was  that  the  assayer  wrote  a  very  touch- 
ing and  grieved  letter  to  the  boys,  saying  that  he  was 
an  old  man  anyway,  and  he  wished  they  would  consider 
his  gray  hairs  and  not  try  to  palm  off  their  old  grocer- 
ies on  him.  He  might  have  made  errors  in  his  assays, 
perhaps  —  all  men  were  more  or  less  liable  to  mistakes 
—  but  he  flattered  himself  that  he  could  still  distin- 
guish between  a  piece  of  blossom  rock  and  a  can  of 
decomposed  lobster  salad,  even  if  it  was  in  a  baking- 
powder  can.  He  hoped  they  would  not  try  to  be 
facetious  at  his  expense  any  more,  but  use  him  as  they 
would  like  to  be  treated  themselves  when  they  got  old 
and  began  to  totter  down  toward  the  silent  tomb. 

"  This  is  why  we  never  knew  to  a  dead  moral  cer- 
tainty, whether  he  was  O.  K.  in  the  upper  story,  or 
not." 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    XXXV. 


THE  UNHAPPY  HUMORIST. 


A  Blasted  Life — Regarded  as  a  Pi^ofessional — No  Joy 

ill  Being  "  The  Life  of  the  Party  " — Parents  Should 

Discourage  the  First  Signs  of  Humor  in  Their  Chil- 

di'en. 

"  You  are  an  youmorist,  are  you  not  ? "  queried  a 
long-billed  pelican  addressing  a  thoughtful,  mental 
athlete,  on  the  Milwaukee  &  St.  Paul  road  the  other 
day. 

"Yes,  sir,"  said  the  sorrowful  man,  brushing  away  a 
tear.  "  I  am  an  youmorist.  I  am  not  very  much  so, 
but  still  I  can  see  that  I  am  drifting  that  way.  And 
yet  I  was  once  joyous  and  happy  as  you  are.  Only  a 
few  years  ago,  before  I  was  exposed  to  this  malady,  I 
was  as  blithe  as  a  speckled  3^earling,  and  recked  not  of 
aught  —  nor  anything  else,  either.  Now  my  whole  life 
is  blasted.  I  do  not  dare  to  eat  pie  or  preserves,  and 
no  one  tells  funny  stories  when  I  am  near  They 
regard  me  as  a  professional,  and  when  I  get  in  sight  the 
'scrub  nine'  close  up  and  wait  for  me  to  entertain  the 
crowd  and  waddle  around  the  ring." 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  that  ? "  murmured  the  pur- 
ple-nosed interrogation  point. 

"  Mean  ?  Why,  I  mean  that  whether  I'm  drawing  a 
salary  or  not,  I'm  expected  to  be  the  '  life  of  the  party.' 
I  don't  want  to  be  the  life  of  the  party  I  want  to  let 
some  one  else  be  the  life  of  the  party.    I  want  to  get 


210  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

up  the  reputation  of  being  as  cross  as  a  bear  with  a  sore 
head.  I  want  people  to  watch  their  children  for  fear 
I'll  swallow  them.  I  want  to  take  my  low-cut-evening- 
dress  smile  and  put  it  in  the  bureau  drawer,  and  tell  the 
world  I've  got  a  cancer  in  my  stomach,  and  the  heaves 
and  hypochondria,  and  a  malignant  case  of  leprosy." 

"  Do  3"ou  mean  to  say  that  you  do  not  feel  facetious 
all  the  time,  and  that  you  get  weary  of  being  an  you- 
morist  ? " 

"  Yes,  hungry  interlocutor.  Yes,  low-browed  studen  t, 
yes.  I  am  not  always  tickled.  Did  you  ever  have  a 
large,  angry,  and  abnormally  protuberent  boil  some- 
where on  your  person  where  it  seemed  to  be  in  the 
wa}^?  Did  you  ever  have  such  a  boil  as  a  traveling 
companion,  and  then  get  introduced  to  people  as  an 
youmorist?  You  have  not?  Well,  then,  you  do  not 
know  all  there  is  of  suffering  in  this  sorrow-streaked 
world.  When  wealthy  people  die  why  don't  they 
endow  a  cast-iron  castle  with  a  draw-bridge  to  it  and 
call  it  the  youmorists'  retreat?  Why  don't  they  do 
some  good  with  their  money  instead  of  fooling  it  away 
on  those  who  are  comparatively  happy  ? " 

"  But  how  did  you  come  to  git  to  be  an  youmorist  ? " 

"Well,  I  don't  know.  I  blame  my  parents  some. 
They  might  have  prevented  it  if  they'd  taken  it  in  time, 
but  they  didn't.  They  let  it  run  on  till  it  got  estab- 
lished, and  now  it's  no  use  to  go  to  the  Hot  Springs  or 
to  the  mountains,  or  have  an  operation  performed. 
You  let  a  man  get  the  name  of  being  an  youmorist  and 
he  doesn't  dare  to  register  at  the  hotels,  and  he  has  to 
travel   anon3nriously,  and   mark   his  clothes  with  his 


OLD    kmD   NEW.  211 

wife's  name,  or  the  public  will  lynch  him  if  he  doesn't 
say  something  youmorist. 

"  Where  is  your  boy  to-night  ? "  continued  the  gloomy 
humorist.  "  Do  you  know  where  he  is  ?  Is  he  at 
home  under  your  watchful  eye,  or  is  he  away  some- 
where jiailing  the  handles  on  his  first  little  joke? 
Parent,  beware.  Teach  j^our  boy  to  beware.  Watch 
him  night  and  day,  or  all  at  once,  when  he  is  beyond 
your  jurisdiction,  he  will  grow  pale.  He  will  have  a 
far-away  look  in  his  eye,  and  the  bright,  rosy  lad  will 
have  become  the  flat-chested,  joyless  youmorist. 

''  It's  hard  to  speak  unkindly  of  our  parents,  but 
mingled  with  my  own  remorse  I  shall  always  murmur 
to  myself,  and  ask  over  and  over,  why  did  not  my  par- 
ents rescue  me  while  they  could  ?  Why  did  they  allow 
my  chubby  little  feet  to  waddle  down  to  the  dangerous 
ground  on  which  the  sad-eyed  youmorist  must  forever 
stand  ? 

"Partner,  do  not  forget  what  I  have  said  to-day. 
Whether  your  child  be  a  son  or  daughter,  it  matters 
not.  Discourage  the  first  sign  of  approaching  humor. 
It  is  easier  to  bust  the  backbone  of  the  first  little  tender 
jokelet  that  sticks  its  head  through  the  virgin  soil,  than 
it  is  to  allow  the  slimy  folds  of  your  son's  youmorous 
lecture  to  be  wrapped  about  you,  and  to  bring  your 
gray  hairs  with  sorrow  to  the  grave." 

LARAMIE'S  HANDKERCHIEF. 
Laramie  has  the  champion  mean  man.  He  has  a 
Sunday  handkerchief  made  to  order  with  scarlet  spots 
on  it,  which  he  sticks  up  to  his  nose  just  before  the 
plate  starts  round,  and  leaves  the  church  like  a  house 
on  fire. 


CHESTXUT-BURR.    XXXYI. 


THE  SODA  LAKES  OF  WYOMING. 


The  Lakes  near  Sheep  Mountain  —  Three  Tons  of  Soda 

at  the  Centennial  —  A  Yield  of  lOJ^^BJ^J^  Tons  of  Soda 

jper  Annum  —  Should  Provide  an  Income  of  $lfi62j- 

86Ii,fi00  jper  Annum. 

Some  days  ago,  in  company  with  several  other 
eminent  men  of  this  place,  I  paid  a  visit  to  the  soda 
lakes  of  Wyoming,  and  will  give  a  short,  truthful  and 
concise  description  of  their  general  appearance. 

The  lake  or  soda  beds  are  situated  about  twelve 
miles  southwest  of  Laramie,  in  a  direct  line  according 
to  official  survey,  but  the  road  makes  a  slight  variation 
from  a  direct  line  and  therefore  makes  the  distance 
about  fourteen  miles. 

In  a  kind  of  basin  toward  Sheep  Mountain,  tne  finest 
of  a  series  of  hills  intervening  between  the  broad 
Laramie  Plains  and  the  Snow}--  Range,  lie  these  lakes, 
four  in  number,  with  no  outlet  whatever. 

Just  as  you  get  plumb  discouraged  and  have  ceased 
to  look  for  the  lakes,  they  all  at  once  lie  at  your  feet  in 
all  their  glistening,  dazzling,  snowy  whiteness. 

One  of  these  lakes,  to  all  appearances,  is  the  source  of 
water  supply  for  the  balance,  and  from  the  exterior  the 
water  is  constantly  crystallizing  in  the  sun  and  forming 
a  thick  crust  of  sulphate  of  soda. 

When  we  went  out,  it  was  one  of  those  dry,  clear, 
bracing  days  in  the  month  of  July,  in  Wyoming,  when 

213 


OLD   AND   NEW.  213 

the  crisp  air  fans  your  cheek  and  fills  every  vein,  artery 
and  capillary  and  pore  with  a  glad  exhilarating  sense 
that  you  are  freezing  to  death. 

Well,  the  day  we  went  out  to  the  lakes  it  was  that 
way  only  not  so  much  so. 

It  was  not,  therefore,  difficult  to  imagine  the  broad, 
white  crust  over  those  lakes  to  be  ice  and  snow.  They 
are  of  the  purest  snowy  white,  and  when  cut  into,  the 
crust  has  that  deep  sea  blue  of  ice  when  cut  in  like 
manner. 

This  crust  of  sulphate  of  soda  is  nearly  three  feet  in 
depth  and  is  perfectly  firm,  so  that  the  heaviest  loads 
drive  over  it  with  safety. 

The  water  which  oozes  up  through  the  crust  at  inter- 
vals is  quite  warm,  being  at  the  surface  on  a  cool  day 
about  blood  temperature,  and  of  course  at  a  consider- 
able depth  much  higher. 

In  1876 —  the  year  which  the  gentle  reader  will  call 
to  mind  as  the  centennial — a  slight  fragment  of  this 
lode,  weighing  over  three  tons,  was  cut  in  the  form  of 
a  cube  and  sent  to  the  Centennial,  where  it  attracted 
very  much  attention. 

Six  weelis  afterward  the  unsightly  hole  in  the  deposit 
at  the  lake  was  entirely  filled  up  with  a  new  formation. 

This-  goes  to  show  how  inexhaustible  is  the  mighty 
reservoir,  and  the  gentle  reader  may  give  it  his  earnest 
thought  as  a  mathematical  question,  what  amount  of 
this  formation  might  be  secured  to  the  enterprising 
manufacturer  who  might  see  fit  to  purchase  and  de- 
velop it. 

Suppose  there  are  sixty-four  tons  to  every  400  super- 
ficial feet,  and  suppose  there  are  four  lakes  averaging 


214  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

forty  acres,  which  is  a  low  estimate,  then  we  have  at 
present  on  hand  17,424  tons,  with  a  capacity  to  repro- 
duce itself  every  two  months,  we  will  say,  or  at  the  rate 
of  104,544  tons  per  annum. 

Suppose,  then,  we  take  a  ten  years'  working  test  of 
the  lakes,  and  we  have  1,062,864  tons  of  soda. 

This  soda  is  not  adulterated  with  alum  or  other 
injurious  substances,  and  would  therefore  sell  very 
rapidly. 

It  might  be  put  in  half-pound  and  pound  cans  which 
would  sell  at,  we  will  say,  twenty-five  and  fifty  cents 
per  can. 

Taking  the  very  low  estimate  made  above,  as  a  basis 
we  have  the  neat  little  income  of  $1,062,864,000. 

This  is  more  than  I  am  now  clearing,  I  find,  over  and 
above  expenses,  and  I  am  thinking  seriously  of  opening 
up  this  vast  avenue  to  wealth  myself. 

I  would  have  done  so  long  ere  this,  were  it  not  that 
I  am  now  developing  the  Boomerang  mine. 

This  mine  is  named  after  my  favorite  mule,  and  I 
am  very  anxious  that  it  should  succeed. 

I  have  already  sunk  $10  in  this  mine,  and  I  cannot 
therefore  abandon  it,  as  the  casual  observer  will  notice, 
without  great  loss  to  me. 


THE  COSTLY  WATER»rELON. 

Once  a  bonanza  man  took  out  his  check  book  and 
asked  the  market  man  how  much  he  wanted  for  meat, 
and  when  he  was  told  he  burst  into  tears,  and  said  he 
would  have  to  deny  himself  the  pleasure  of  a  water- 
melon or  put  off  going  to  Europe  till  next  year. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.  XXXYII. 


VIEWS  OF  CHICAGO. 


Chicago  the  Rival  of  Laramie — The  Wonderful  Parks 
— A   Chicago    Funeral    Procession — In    Search    oj 
Watermelons — Changes  Amongst   Old  Friends — The 
Vitality  Restoring  Revolver. 

Chicago,  June  20,  1887.  —  I  arrived  here  from 
the  North  on  Tuesday  evening.  The  demonstration 
was  on  a  larger  scale  than  I  had  even  looked  for,  K 
was  gratifying,  indeed,  to  one  who  loves  the  spontane- 
ous approval  of  his  fellow-citizens.  I  do.  The  pro 
cession  was  very  fine,  consisting  of  'busses,  hacks,  car- 
riages, express  wagons  and  the  police,  followed  up  I'V 
promiscuous  citizens.  There  was  a  little  misunder- 
standinor  about  who  should  deliver  the  address  of  wel- 
come.  So  about  two  hundred  healthy  orators,  of  the 
Denis  Kearney  decoction,  all  started  in  at  one  and  the 
same  time  to  give  me  the  freedom  of  the  city,  at  twenty- 
five  cents  per  freedom.  There  is  a  good  deal  of  this 
class  of  freedom  now  on  the  Chicago  market. 

Chicago  is  a  thriving,  enterprising  town  on  the  Lake 
Michigan  coast.  I^  is  the  county  seat  of  Cooiv  county, 
so  that  all  the  county  ofiicers  live  here. 

If  a  young  man  with  the  requisite  degree  of  pluck 

and   determination   were   to   start  a  paper  here,  and 

could  get  the  county  printing  and  go   without  a  hired 

girl,  he  could  do  first-rate. 

Chicago  is  a  rival  of  Laramie  as  the  most  desirable 

215 


216  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

outfitting  point  for  North  Park.     It  also  does  some 
outfitting  for  South  Park  and  several  other  parks. 

Yesterday  I  went  to  South  Park  to  drive  along  the 
boulevards  and  see  the  fountains  squirt.  The  boule- 
vards are  now  in  good  shape.  They  are  about  the 
boiiliest  boulevards  I  have  seen  for  five  years.  Some 
days  when  I  feel  frolicsome,  it  seems  to  me  as  though 
if  I  couldn't  have  a  nice  large  park  of  my  own,  with 
velvet  lawns  and  cool  retreats  in  it,  Avhere  I  could  be 
alone  and  roll  around  over  the  green  sward,  and  kick 
up  my  heels  in  the  chastened  sunlight,  I  would  certainly 
bust. 

South  Park  has  an  antelope,  a  bison,  an  elk  and 
several  other  ferocious  animals.  They  seem  lonely, 
and  time  hangs  heavy  on  their  hands,  so  to  speak. 

Going  out  to  the  park  we  met  a  funeral  procession 
headed  by  a  remains.  When  we  were  coming  out  of 
the  driveway  on  our  return,  we  met  the  same  proces- 
sion. It  had  transplanted  the  deceased  in  good  shape, 
and  was  racing  horses  on  its  way  home  through  the 
park.  The  minister  belonged  to  the  same  family  with 
the  United  Grand  Junction  Ebeneezer  Temperance  As- 
sociation, and  although  he  was  ostensibly  holding  on 
to  his  horse  with  all  the  reserve  forces  on  hand,  he 
seemed  to  keep  the  rest  of  the  procession  at  a  respect- 
ful distance  all  the  way. 

It  was  about  the  most  cheerful  funeral  I  ever  saw, 
with  the  officiating  minister  leading  down  the  home- 
stretch and  the  hearse  at  a  Maud  S.  gait  rattling  along 
at  his  heels,  followed  by  the  bereaved  family  coming 
down  the  quarter-stretch  in  '45.  It  reconciled  me  a 
great  deal  to  death  to  see  this.     If  I  could  be  positively 


OLD   ANi)   NEW.  217 

certain  that  my  friends  and  acquaintances  would  take 
it  that  easy  I  could  die  bap])v,  but  I  know  the}'  won't. 
I  have  seemed  to  work  my  way  into  the  affections  of 
those  who  come  in  contact  with  me  from  day  to  day, 
so  that  when  I  die  I  know  just  how  it  will  be.  There 
will  be  one  oi  the  wildest  panics  ever  known  in  the 
history  of  civilized  nations.  Groceries  and  all  kinds  of 
provisions  will  depreciate  in  value  fifty  per  cent,  and 
watermelons  will  be  almost  a  drug  on  the  market. 

Allow  me  to  digress  for  a  moment.  Watermelons 
are  very  high  at  Laramie,  and  there  is  the  standing 
joke  that  for  three  years  I  haven't  had  sufficient  de- 
cision of  character  and  spinal  column  to  make  up  my 
mind  whether  I  would  build  or  buy  a  watermelon. 
Here  watermelons  are  more  plentiful.  They  grow  low 
down  on  the  branches  of  the  melon  trees,  so  that  on  a 
still  evening  one  can  easily  knock  them  off  with  a 
club.  So  easy  in  fact  is  that  feat  that  I  could  hardly 
restrain  myself  from  taking  a  little  stroll  one  pleasant 
evening  to  pick  one  or  two  luscious  specimens  from  the 
heavy  laden  boughs.  So  strong  was  this  feeling  at 
least  that  I  could  not  overcome  it  without  an  unusual 
strain,  and  my  physicians  tell  me  not  to  do  anything 
that  will  overtax  my  moral  nature.  They  are  afraid 
that  something  would  break  and  tear  the  whole  vast 
fabric  of  integrity  from  its  foundation. 

So  I  went  out  with  a  brother  of  mine  who  could  be 
depended  upon.  I  took  along  my  old  pocket-knife  that 
I  have  had  for  fifteen  years,  and  which  has  received  the 
silver  medal,  sweepstakes  prize  and  handicap  silver 
service  in  a  score  of  go-as-you-please  melon-plugging 
matches  for  the   championship  of  the  known  world. 


218  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

But  we  were  not  very  fortunate.  The  world  is  grow* 
ing  cynical  and  fast  losing  faith  in  mankind,  I  fear. 
People  have  quit  putting  their  money  into  savings 
bixnks  and  are  beginning  to  plant  their  watermelons  in 
new  and  obscure  places.  Just  as  the  casual  observer 
learns  the  position  of  an  eligible  melon  patch  the  pro- 
prietor changes  the  combination  on  him. 

I  found  multitudinous  changes  among  old  friends  and 
associates  when  I  got  home,  and  was  struck  with  the 
ceaseless  work  of  time's  effacing  lingers,  but  nowhere 
did  I  find  such  cause  for  sorrow  and  regret  as  in  the 
falling  off  and  change  of  base  which  I  found  in  the 
matter  of  melon  cultivation. 

We  were  exposed  to  the  night  air  until  past  1  o'clock, 
coming  home  tired  and  disappointed  with  three  small 
ones  apiece,  which  we  hid  in  the  hay -mow,  according 
to  a  time-honored  custom  in  the  family,  and  retired. 

The  next  day  we  both  made  a  noble  resolution  to 
discard  this  unfortunate  habit  which  we  had  contracted, 
partly  because  we  were  old  enough  to  know  better,  and 
partly  because  we  had  in  the  hurry  and  precipitation  of 
the  evening  previous,  stolen  and  carried  four  miles  a 
half  dozen  melons  of  the  citron  variety,  that  tasted  like 
a  premature  pumpkin  and  smelled  like  cod  liver  oil  and 
convalescent  glue. 

I  had  also  lost  my  revolver.  When  I  go  out  nights 
I  always  go  armed,  and  for  that  reason  I  have  gained 
the  unenviable  reputation  of  being  a  bold,  bad  man. 
Many  people  think  that  I  am  thirsting  for  the  lives  of 
my  fellow-men  and  feel  low-spirited  and  wretched  un- 
less I  am  shooting  large,  irregular  holes  through  the 
human  familv,  but  this  is  not  true. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  219 

I  never  killed  any  one  in  my  life,  unless  death  was 
richly  merited,  I  have  never  taken  a  liiiman  life  that 
society  was  not  madel^etter  and  safer  by  the  act. 

This  revolver  was  the  same  one  that  I  used  four 
years  ago  when  I  shot  at  a  burglar  in  Laramie.  He  was 
endeavoring,  at  the  dead  hour  of  midnight,  to  get  into 
the  window,  and  I  feared  that  his  intentions  were  not 
honorable.  He  knew  that  I  was  alone  in  the  house,  my 
wife  having  gene  away  on  a  visit,  and  so  taking 
advantage  of  her  absence  and  my  timidity,  he  was 
endeavoring  to  force  an  entrance  into  the  house.  I 
don't  know  what  ever  nerved  me  to  such  an  act  of  lofty 
heroism,  but  I  marched  softly  out  of  the  front  door 
with  noiseless  tread  and  shot  him. 

Then  I  went  back  to  bed  and  wondered  what  action 
the  authorities  would  take  with  me.  Whether  it 
would  be  considered  justifiable  homicide  and  I  exon- 
erated, or  whether  I  would  be  held  without  bail  to 
answer  at  the  next  term  of  court  for  murder.  Then  I 
wondered  what  I  iiad  better  do  with  the  corpse.  At 
first  I  thought  I  would  run  down  and  notify  the  cor- 
oner; then  I  concluded  to  go  and  see  the  victim,  and  see 
if  life  were  extinct.  Finally  I  compromised  the  matter 
by  falling  into  a  troubled  sleep,  from  which  I  awoke 
on  the  following  morning.  I  went  out  to  the  place 
where  the  burglar  had  been  shot,  but  he  was  not  there. 
With  a  superhuman  will-power  he  had  dragged  himself 
aAvay  somewhere  to  die.  He  had  also  destroyed  all 
traces  of  blood  before  getting  away. 

This  was  the  last  of  the  matter  till  the  following 
September,  wheA  I  received  this  letter: 


220  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

Omaha. 

Dear  Sir:  —  You  doubtless  think  that  I  harbor  ill- 
will  and  bitterness  toward  you  because  you  shot  me  last 
summer,  but  such  is  not  the  case.  I  write  to  express 
my  gratitude  and  everlasting  friendship. 

For  years  I  had  been  an  invalid,  and  last  summer 
owing  to  my  weak  and  helpless  condition  and  conse- 
quent loss  of  employment,  I  became  deranged.  That 
accounts  for  my  wild  and  insane  idea  that  your  resi- 
dence was  the  abode  of  wealth  and  affluence. 

It  was  the  delirium  that  precedes  death.  Ab,  my 
benefactor,  my  noble  deliverer  from  death,  how  shall  I 
tell  you  of  my  never-ending  gratitude? 

How  like  an  angel  of  mercy  you  stood  up  before  me 
that  night  in  your  rohe  de  nuit  and  shot  me  ! 

How  like  a  blessed  seraph  you  looked  at  me,  with 
your  polished  joints  glittering  in  the  flash  and  dazzle  of 
your  peerless  beauty ! 

I  have  been  rapidly  gaining  ever  since  in  weight  and 
strength.  I  am  now  married  and  happy,  and  I  cheer- 
fully point  you  out  to  my  friends  as  the  one  who,  by 
your  health-promoting  markmanship  and  vitality- 
restoring  revolver,  brought  me  back  from  death  to 
hope,  health  and  happiness. 

Yours  truly,  The-Man-You-Shot. 

Since  then  I  have  called  that  revolver  my  Great 
Health  Invigorator  and  Blood  Purifier. 


CHESTNUT-BUER.    XXXYIII. 


A  SCHOOL  OF  JOURNALISM. 


An  Important   Movement.  —  The  Requirements  of  a 

True  Joui'nalist.  —  How  He  Should  he  Educated.  — 

The  Journalist  at  the  Age  of  95. 

A  number  of  friends  having  personally  asked  me  to 
express  an  opinion  upon  the  matter  of  an  established 
school  of  journalism,  as  spoken  of  by  ex-Mayor  Henry 
C.  Robinson,  of  Hartford,  Conn.,  and  many  more 
through  the  West,  who  are  strangers  to  me  personally, 
having  written  me  to  give  my  views  upon  the  subject. 
I  have  consented  in  so  far  that  I  will  undertake  a 
simple  synopsis  of  what  the  course  should  embrace. 

I  most  heartily  indorse  the  movement,  if  it  may  be 
called  such  at  this  early  stage.  Knowing  a  little  of  the 
intricacies  of  this  branch  of  the  profession,  I  am  going 
to  state  fully  my  belief  as  to  its  importance,  and  the 
necessity  for  a  thorough  training  upon  it.  "We  meet 
almost  everywhere  newspaper  men  who  are  totally  un- 
fitted for  the  high  office  of  public  educators  through 
the  all-powerful  press.  The  woods  is  full  of  them.  We 
know  that  not  one  out  of  a  thousand  of  those  who  are 
to-day  classed  as  journahsts  is  fit  for  that  position. 

I  know  that  to  be  the  case,  because  people  tell  me  so. 

I  cannot  call  to  mind  to-day,  in  all  my  wide  journal- 
istic acquaintance,  a  solitary  man  who  has  not  been 
pronounced  an  ass  by  one  or  more  of  my  fellow-men. 
This  is  indeed  a  terrible  state  of  affairs. 

221 


222  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

In  many  instances  these  harsh  criticisms  are  made 
by  those  who  do  not  know,  without  submitting  them- 
selves to  a  tremendous  mental  strain,  the  difference 
between  a  "  lower  case  "  q  and  the  old  Calvinistic  doc- 
trine of  unanimous  damnation,  but  that  makes  no  dif- 
ference ;  the  true  journalist  should  strive  to  please  the 
masses.  He  should  niake  his  whole  life  a  study  of 
human  nature  and  an  earnest  effort  to  serve  the  great 
reading  world  collectively  and  individually. 

This  requires  a  man,  of  course,  with  similar  charac- 
teristics and  the  same  general  information  possessed 
by  the  Almighty,  but  who  would  be  willing  to  work  at 
a  much  more  moderate  salary. 

The  reader  will  instantly  see  how  difficult  it  is  to  ob- 
tain this  class  of  men.  Outside  of  the  mental  giant  who 
writes  these  lines  and  two  or  three  others,  perhaps 

But  never  mind,  I  leave  a  grateful  world  to  say 
that,  while  I  map  out  a  plan  for  the  ambitious  young 
journalist  who  might  be  entering  upon  the  broad 
arena  of  newspaperdoni,  and  preparing  himself  at  a 
regularly  established  school  for  tliat  purpose. 

Let  the  first  two  years  be  devoted  to  meditation  and 
prayer.  This  will  prepare  the  young  editor  for  the 
surprise  and  consequent  profanity  which  in  a  few  years 
he  may  experience  when  he  finds  in  his  boss  editorial 
that  God  is  spelled  with  a  little  g,  and  the  peroration  of 
the  article  has  been  taken  out  and  carefully  locked  up 
between  a  death  notice  and  the  announcement  of  the 
birth  of  a  cross-eyed  infant. 

The  ensuing  five  years  should  be  spent  in  becoming 
familiar  with  the  surprising  and  mirth-provoking 
orthography  of  the  English  language. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  223 

Then  would  follow  three  years  devoted  to  practice 
with  dumb  bells,  sand  bags  and  slung  shots,  in  order  to 
become  an  athlete.  I  have  found  in  my  own  journal- 
istic history  more  cause  for  regret  over  my  neglect  of 
this  branch  than  any  other.  I  am  a  pretty  good  run- 
ner, but  aside  from  that  I  regret  to  say  that  as  an 
athlete  I  am  not  a  dazzling  success. 

Th  e  above  course  of  intermediate  training  would  fit 
the  student  to  enter  upon  the  regular  curriculum. 

Then  set  aside  ten  years  for  learning  the  typographi- 
cal art  perfectly,  so  that  when  visitors  wish  to  look  at 
the  composing  room,  and  ask  the  editor  to  explain  the 
use  of  the  "  hell  box,"  he  will  not  have  to  blush  and 
tell  a  gauzy  lie  about  its  being  a  composing-stick. 
Let  the  young  journalist  study  the  mysteries  of  type 
setting,  distributing,  press  work,  galleys,  italic,  shoot- 
ing-sticks, type  lice  and  other  mechanical  implements  of 
the  printer's  department. 

Five  years  should  be  spent  in  learning  to  properly 
read  and  correct  proof,  as  well  as  how  to  mark  it  on 
the  margin  like  a  Chinese  map  of  the  Gunnison 
country. 

At  least  fifteen  years  should  then  be  devoted  to  the 
study  of  American  politics  and  the  whole  civil  service. 
This  time  could  be  extended  five  years  with  great 
profit  to  the  careful  student  who  wishes,  of  course,  to 
know  thoroughly  the  names  and  recoi'ds  of  all  public 
men,  together  with  the  relative  political  strength  of 
each  party. 

He  should  then  take  a  medical  course  and  learn  how 
to  bind  up  contusions,  apply  arnica,  court  plaster  or 
bandages,  plug  up  bullet  holes  and  prospect  through 


224  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

the  human  sj^stem  for  buck  shot.  The  reason  of  this 
course,  Avhich  should  embrace  five  years  of  close  study, 
is  apparent  to  the  thinking  mind. 

Ten  years  should  then  be  devoted  to  the  study  of 
law.  No  thorough  metropolitan  editor  wants  to  enter 
upon  his  profession  without  knowing  the  difference 
between  a  writ  of  mandamus  and  other  styles  of  ]iro- 
fanity.  He  should  thoroughly  understand  the  entire 
system  of  American  jurisprudence. 

The  student  will  by  this  time  begin  to  see  what  ift 
required  of  him  and  will  enter  with  greater  zeal  upon 
his  adopted  profession. 

He  will  now  enter  upon  a  theological  course  of  ten 
years.  He  can  then  write  a  telling  editorial  on  the 
great  question  of  "What  We  Shall  Do  To  Be  Saved 
without  mixing  up  Calvin  and  Tom  Paine  with  Judas 
Iscariot  and  Ben  Butler. 

The  closing  ten  years  of  the  regular  course  might  be 
profitably  used  in  learning  a  practical  knowledge  of 
cutting  cord  wood,  baking  beans,  making  shirts,  lectur- 
ing, turning  double  handsprings,  preaching  the  gospel, 
learning  how  to  make  a  good  adhesive  paste  that  will 
not  sour  in  hot  weather,  learning  the  art  of  scissors 
grinding,  punctuation,  capitalization,  prosody,  plain 
sewing,  music,  dancing,  sculping,  etiquette,  how  to  win 
the  affections  of  the  opposite  sex,  the  ten  command- 
ments, every  man  his  own  teacher  on  the  violin, 
croquet,  rules  of  the  prize  ring,  parlor  magic,  civil 
engineering,  decorative  art,  calsomining,  bicycling, 
base  ball,  hydraulics,  botany,  poker,  calisthenics,  high- 
low-jack,  international  law,  faro,  rhetoric,  fifteen-ball 
pool,  drawing  and  painting,  mule  skinning,  vocal  music, 


OLD   AND   NEW.  225 

horsemanship,  plastering,  bull  whacking,  etc.,  etc., 
etc. 

At  the  age  of  95  the  student  will  have  lost  that 
wild,  reckless  and  impulsive  style  so  common  among 
younger  and  less  experienced  journalists.  He  will  em- 
erge from  the  school  with  a  light  heart  and  a  knowledge- 
box  loaded  up  to  the  muzzle  with  the  most  useful  infor- 
mation. 

The  heyday  and  spring-time  of  life  will,  of  course, 
be  past,  but  the  graduate  will  have  nothing  to  worry 
him  any  more,  except  the  horrible  question  which  is 
ever  rising  up  before  the  journalist,  as  to  whether  he 
shall  put  his  money  into  government  four  per  cents  or 
purchase  real  estate  in  some  growing  town. 


MODERN  FICTION  18  UNRELIABLE. 

Modern  fiction  has  reached  that  pass  where  the 
twentieth  chapter  may  wind  up  with  a  funeral  of 
twins.  Death  or  dyspepsia  may  befall  the  hero  at  any 
moment,  and  the  old-time  schedule  has  been  aban- 
doned. It  is  as  delightfully  surprising  as  prospecting 
for  a  quartz  lead.  You  may  discover  a  bonanza  or  sit 
down  on  a  tarantula  at  any  moment.  You  may  tumble 
out  of  an  ore  bucket  and  reach  the  foot  of  the  shaft  with 
your  shoulder  blade  in  your  pistol  pocket,  or  you  may 
sit  down  on  an  ostensibly  extinct  blast  to  think  over 
your  past  life  and  the  next  moment  go  crashing  through 
the  milky  way  without  clothes  enough  to  keep  off  th« 
night  air. 
15 


CHESTNUT-BTJRR.  XXXIX. 


SOME  FACTS  OF  SCIENCE. 


An  Interesting  Diary  —  Corn  and  Small  Fruits  Suffer 

—  A  Fourth,  of  July  Dinner  —  A  Good  Ice  Cream 

Country  —  The  Diary  Ahrujptly  Ends. 

A  reporter  sent  out  to  find  the  North  Pole  some 

years  ago,  has  just  been  heard  from.     An  exploring 

party  recently  found  portions  of  his  remains  in  latitude 

4-11-44,  longitude  sou' west  by  sou'  from  the  pole,  and 

near  the  remains  the  following  fragment  of  a  diary  : 

July  1,  1884. — Have  just  been  out  searching  for  a 
sunstroke  and  signs  of  a  thaw.  Saw  nothing  but  ice 
floe  and  snow  as  far  as  the  eye  could  reach.  Think 
we  will  have  snow  this  evening  unless  the  wind 
changes. 

July  2. —  Spent  the  forenoon  exploring  to  the  north- 
west for  right  of  way  for  a  new  equatorial  and  North 
Pole  railroad  that  T  think  would  be  of  immense  value 
to  commerce.  The  grade  is  easy  and  the  expense 
would  be  slight.  Ate  my  last  dog  to-day.  Had  intended 
him  for  the  4th,  but  got  too  hungry,  and  ate  him  raw 
with  vinegar.     I  wish  I  was  at  home  eating  pie. 

July  3. —  "We  had  quite  a  frost  last  night,  and  it  looks 
this  morning  as  though  the  corn  and  small  fruits  must 
have  suffered.  It  is  now  two  weeks  since  the  last  of 
the  crew  died  and  left  me  alone.  Ate  the  leather  ends 
of  my  suspenders  to-day  for  dinner.  I  did  not  need 
the  suspenders,  anyway,  for  by  tightening  up  my  pants 

226 


FOURTH  OF    JULY  AT  THE  NORTH  POLBr 
23 


OLI'    AND    NEW.  229 

I  jfind  they  will  stay  on  all  right,  and  I  don't  look  for 
any  ladies  to  call,  so  that  even  if  my  pants  came  off  by 
some  oversight  or  other,  nobody  would  be  shocked. 

July  4, —  Saved  up  some  tar  roofing  and  a  bottle  of 
mucilage  for  my  Fourth  of  July  dinner,  and  gorged 
myself  to  day.  The  exercises  were  very  poorly  attended 
and  the  celebration  rather  a  failure.  It  is  clouding 
up  in  the  west,  and  I'm  afraid  we're  going  to  have 
snow.  Seems  to  me  we're  having  an  all-fired  late 
spring  here  this  ye'ar. 

July  5. —  Didn't  drink  a  drop  yesterday.  It  was  the 
quietest  Fourth  I  ever  put  in.  I  never  felt  so  little 
remorse  over  the  way  I  celebrated  as  I  do  to-day.  I 
didn't  do  a  thing  yesterday  that  I  was  ashamed  of 
except  to  eat  the  remainder  of  a  box  of  shoe  blacking 
for  supper.  To-day  I  ate  my  last  boot-heel,  stewed. 
Looks  as  though  we  might  have  a  hard  winter. 

July  6. —  Feel  a  little  apprehension  about  something 
to  eat.  My  credit  is  all  right  here,  but  there  is  no  com- 
petition, and  prices  are  therefore  very  high.  Ice,  how- 
ever, is  still  firm.  This  would  be  a  good  ice-cream 
country  if  there  were  any  demand,  but  the  country  is 
so  sparsely  settled  that  a  man  feels  as  lonesome  here  as 
a  greenbacker  at  a  presidential  election.  Ate  a  pound 
of  cotton  waste  soaked  in  machine  oil,  to-day.  There 
is  nothing  left  for  to-morrow  but  ice-water  and  an  old 
pocket-book  for  dinner.  Looks  as  though  we  might 
have  snow. 

July  7. —  This  is  a  good,  cool  place  to  spend  the  sum- 
mer if  provisions  were  more  plenty.  I  am  wearing  a 
seal-skin  undershirt,  with  three  woolen  overshirts  and 
two  bear-skin  vests,  to-day,  and  when  the  dew  begins 


230  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

to  fall  I  have  to  put  on  ray  buflFalo  ulster  to  keep  off 
the  night  air.  I  wish  I  was  home.  It  seems  pretty 
lonesome  here  since  the  other  boys  died.  I  do  not 
know  what  I  will  get  for  dinner  to-morrow,  unless  the 
neighbors  bring  in  something.  A  big  bear  is  coming 
down  the  hatchway  as  I  write.  I  wish  I  could  eat  him. 
It  would  be  the  first  square  meal  for  two  months.  It  is, 
however,  a  little  mixed  whether  I  will  eat  him  or  he  eat 

me.     It  will  be  a  cold  day  for  me  if  he 

^  *****  * 

Here  the  diary  breaks  off  abruptly,  and  from  the 
chewed-up  appearance  of  the  book,  we  are  led  to  enter- 
tain a  horrible  fear  as  to  his  safety. 


A  HAT  DEPOSIT  IN  THE  BLACK  HILLS. 

An  old  hunter  was  out  among  the  Black  Hills,  east 
of  town,  last  summer,  hunting  for  cotton-tails  and 
sage  hens,  and  he  ran  across  a  little  gulch  where  the 
a  brupt  rocks  closed  together  and  formed  a  little  atmos- 
pheric eddy,  so  to  speak.  There  in  that  lonely  reser- 
voir he  found  what  he  at  first  considered  a  petrified 
hat  store.  It  was  a  genuine  deposit  of  escaped  straw 
hats  and  plug  hats  that  the  frolicsome  zephyrs  had 
caught  up  and  carried  for  ten  miles,  until  this  natural 
hat-rack  had  secured  them.  Of  course  there  were  other 
articles  of  apparel,  and  some  debilitated  umbrellas,  but 
the  deposit  seemed  to  assay  mostly  hats. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.  XL. 


SORROWS  OF  A  ONE  LEGGED  MAN. 


Tlie   Man   with  a  Cork  Ley  and  a  Chastened  Air  — 
Remarks  on  Home  Government  —  A  Happy  Time  in 
Lonternp)lation  —  A   Wif^s  Prerogatives  —  What  is  to 
Become  of  the  One-legged  Minority  f 
Yesterday   morning,    while   the    main   guy  of  the 
sanctum  was  putting  some  carbolic  acid  in  the  paste 
pot,  and  unlinibering  his  genius,  and  turning  his  lyre 
preparatory  to  yanking  loose  a  few  stanzas  on  the  mid- 
summer cucumber,  a  man  with  a  cork  leg,  and  the 
chastened  air  of  one   who  is  second  lieutenant  in  the 
home  circle  under  the  able  and  efficient  command  of 
his  wife,  came  softly  in  and  sat  down  on  a  volume  con- 
taining the  complete  poems  of  Noah  Webster. 

He  waited  patiently  till  he  could  catch  the  eye  of 
the  speaker,  humming  softly  to  himself  — 

"  Green  grows  the  grave  by  the  wild,  dashing  river 
Where  sleeps  the  brave  with  his  arrow  and  quiver." 

When  the  time  had  arrived  for  the  lodge  to  open  up 
unfinished  business,  communications  and  new  business, 
he  ran  his  wooden  leg  through  the  rounds  of  a  chair 
and  said  : 

"  I  desire  to  make  a  few  remarks  on  the  subject  of 
home  government,  and  the  rights  a  husband  may  have 
which  his  wife  is  bound  to  respect." 

"  Yes  ;  but  we  don't  enter  the  family  circle  with  our 
all-pervading  influence.      We  simply  attack  evils  of  a 

231 


232  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

public  or  general  nature.  You  should  pour  your  tale 
of  woe  into  the  ears  of  an  attorney.  He  will  dish  out 
tlie  required  balm  to  you  at  so  much  per  balm." 

''  I  know,  but  this  is  not  strictly  a  case  for  the  courts. 
It's  a  case  which  raises  the  question  of  the  husband's 
priority,  and  agitates  the  whole  social  fabric. 

"  Last  week  I  celebrated  my  iSd  birthday,  or  I 
started  to  celebrate  it,  and  circumstances  over  which  I 
had  no  control  arose  and  busted  the  programme,  as 
mapped  out  b\"  the  committee  of  arrangements. 

"  It  was  the  intention  of  the  party,  consisting  of 
m3"self  and  several  others  of  our  most  eminent  men,  to 
go  over  to  Sabille  canyon  with  a  mountain  wagon  and 
a  pair  of  pinto  plugs  for  a  little  wholesome  recreation. 
We  had  some  weapons  for  slaying  the  frolicsome  jack 
rabbit  and  the  timid  sage  hen,  and  had  provided  our- 
selves against  every  possible  rattlesnake  contingency 
also.  We  had  taken  more  precautions  in  this  direc- 
tion, perhaps,  than  in  any  other,  and  were  in  shape  to 
enjoy  the  wild  grandeur  of  the  eternal  hiUs  without 
fear  from  the  poisonous  reptile  of  the  rugged  gulches 
and  alkali  bottoms  of  this  picturesque  western  country. 

"  We  were  all  loaded  up  in  good  shape  for  the  trip 
and  drove  around  to  my  house  to  get  a  camp  kettle 
and  some  lemons.  I  went  into  the  pantry  to  get  a 
couple  of  pounds  of  sugar  and  a  nutmeg. 

"My  wife  met  me  in  the  pantry  and  roughly  and 
brutally  smelled  of  my  breath. 

"This  was  not  the  prerogative  of  a  true  wife,  but 
she  weighs  200  and  is  middling  resolute,  so  I  allowed 
her  to  do  so,  although  every  man's  breath  is  his  own 
property,  and  if  he  allows  his  wife  to  take  advantage  of 


OLD    AND   NEW.  233 

her  marital  vows  to  smell  his  breath  on  the  most 
unlooked-for  occasions,  what  is  to  become  of  our 
boasted  freedom  ? 

"'  I  then  went  upstairs  into  a  closet  after  a  la])  robe 
and  a  pillow  to  use  in  case  any  of  us  got  sunstruck. 

"  My  wife  came  in  just  then,  and  as  I  started  away 
with  the  pillow,  she  tripped  me  up  so  I  fell  inside  the 
closet,  and  before  I  could  recover  from  my  surprise, 
she  sat  down  on  me  in  such  a  solemn  and  impressive 
manner  that  my  eyes  hung  out  on  my  cheeks  like  the 
bronze  door  knobs  on  a  Pullman  car. 

"  There  I  was  in  the  impenetrable  gloom  of  a  closet, 
with  the  trusting  companion  of  my  home  life  flatten- 
ing out  my  stomach  till  I  could  feel  my  watch  chain 
against  my  spinal  column.  She  then  unscrewed  my 
cork  leg  in  a  mechanical  kind  of  a  way  and  locked  it 
up  in  the  bureau  drawer,  putting  the  key  in  her 
pocket. 

"  After  that  she  fastened  the  closet  door  on  the  out- 
side, and  told  the  part}'^  that  I  would  be  unable,  owing 
to  the  inclemency  of  the  weather,  to  take  part  in  the 
exercises  at  Sabille  canyon. 

''  All  through  that  long,  long,  weary  day,  I  stood 
around  on  one  leg  and  looked  out  of  the  window, 
thinking  what  a  potent  spell  is  exerted  over  the 
wooden-legged  man  by  an  able-bodied  wife. 

"  It  is  a  question,  sir,  which  is  of  vital  interest  to  us 
all.  Must  the  one-legged  minority  continue  thus  to 
subserve  the  interests  of  the  two-legged  majority?  I 
ask  you,  as  the  representative  of  the  all  civilizing,  all 
leveling,  all  powerful  and  all  jewhillikin  press,  how 
long  the  cork-limbed,  taxation-without-representation 


234:  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

masses  must  limp  around  the  house  and  sew  carpet 
rags,  writhing  in  the  death-hke  grip  of  a  two-legged 
oligarchy?" 

He  did  not  wait  for  an  answer.  He  simply  gathered 
up  a  few  of  our  freshest  exchanges  and  stole  softly 
down  the  stairs. 

We  decline  to  make  an}^  comment  one  way  or  the 
other,  because  we  do  not  know  that  the  country  is 
ripe  for  the  discussion  of  this  question,  but  it  deserves 
cold,  calm,  candid  thought  on  the  part  of  all  think- 
ing men,  to  say  the  least. 


THE  TRUE  POET  LOVES  SECLUSION. 

The  true  poet  loves  seclusion  and  soothing  rest. 
That  is  the  secret  of  his  even  numbers  and  smooth  ca- 
dences. Look  at  Dryden,  and  Walt  Whitma.i,  and 
Milton,  and  Burns,  and  the  Sweet  Singer  of  Michigan. 
What  could  any  of  them  have  done  with  the  house  full 
of  children  of  the  forest  who  were  hankering  for  a 
fresh  pail  of  gore  for  lunch  ? 


A  PIE  OPENER 


A  handsome  competence  is  in  store  for  the  man  who 
will  invent  a  neat,  durable  and  portable  pie  opener  that 
will  successfully  reach  the  true  inwardness  of  the  aver- 
age, box-toed,  Bessemer  steel,  gooseberry  pie  which 
the  hired  girl  casts  in  her  kitchen  foundry. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    XLI. 


REVELATION  IN  UTAH. 


A    Vacancy  Amongst  the  Twelve   A2)ostles — The  Place 
Filled  hy  Eevelation — How  Would  this  System  WorJi 
in  Politics — There  are  Dratvhacks  in  this  System. 
An  esteemed    and  extremely   connubial   contempo- 
rary, says  in  a  recent  editorial : 

"  The  Latter  Day  Saints  will  rejoice  to  learn  that 
the  vacancies  which  have  existed  in  the  quorums  of  the 
twelve  apostles  and  the  first  seven  presidents  of  seven- 
ties are  now  filled.  During  the  conference  recentlv 
held,  Elder  Abram  H.  Cannon  was  unanimously  chosen 
to  be  one  of  the  first  seven  presidents  of  seventies, 
and  he  was  ordained  to  that  office  on  Monday,  October 
9.  Subsequently,  the  Lord,  by  revelation  through  His 
servant.  President  John  Taylor,  designated  b}^  name 
Brothers  George  Teasdale  and  Heber  J.  Grant,  to  be  or- 
dained to  the  apostleship,  and  Brother  Seymour  B. 
Young  to  fill  the  remaining  vacancy  in  the  presidency 
of  the  seventies.  These  brethren  were  ordained  onMon- 
day,  October  16,  the  two  apostles,  under  the  hands  of 
the  first  presidency  and  twelve,  and  the  other  under 
the  hands  of  the  twelve  and  the  presidency  of  the  seven- 
ties." 

Now,  that's  a  convenient  system  of  politics  and  civil 
service.  "When  there  is  a  vacancy,  the  president,  John 
Taylor,  goes  into  his  closet  and  has  a  revelation,  Avhich 
settles  it  all  right.     If  the  man  appointed  vicariously 

235 


236  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

by  the  Lord  is  not  in  every  way  satisfactory,  he  may 
be  discharged  by  the  same  process.  Instead,  tlierefore, 
of  being  required  to  rally  a  large  force  of  his  friends  to 
aid  him  in  getting  an  appointment,  the  aspirant  ar- 
ranges solely  with  the  party  who  runs  the  revelation 
business.  It  will  be  seen  at  a  glance,  therefore,  that  the 
man  who  can  get  the  job  of  revelating  in  Zion,  has  it 
pretty  much  his  own  way.  We  would  not  care  who 
made  the  laws  of  Utah  if  we  could  do  its  revelating  at 
so  much  per  revelate. 

Think  of  the  power  it  gives  a  man  in  a  community 
of  blind  believers.  Imagine,  if  you  please,  the  glorious 
possibilities  in  store  for  the  man  who  can  successfully 
reveal  the  word  of  the  Lord  in  an  easy,  extemporaneous 
manner  on  five  minutes'  notice. 

This  prerogative  does  not  confine  itself  to  politics 
alone.  The  impromptu  revelator  of  the  Jordan  has  rev- 
elations when  he  wants  to  evade  the  payment  of  a  bill. 
He  gets  a  divine  order  also  if  he  desires  to  marry  a 
beautiful  maid  or  seal  the  new  school  ma'am  to  him- 
self. He  has  a  leverage  which  he  can  bring  to  bear 
upon  the  people  of  his  diocese  at  all  times,  even  more 
potent  than  the  press,  and  it  does  not  possess  the  draw- 
backs that  a  newspaper  does.  You  can  run  an  agres- 
sive  paper  if  you  want  to  in  this  country,  and  up  to 
the  time  of  the  funeral  you  have  a  pretty  active  and 
enjoyable  time,  but  after  the  grave  has  been  filled  up 
Avith  the  clods  of  the  valley  and  vour  widow  has  drawn 
her  insurance,  you  naturally  ask,  "  Wiiat  is  the  advan- 
tage to  be  gained  by  this  fearless  style  of  journalism  ?" 

Still,  even  the  inspired  racket  has  its  drawbacks. 
Last  year  a  little  incident  occurred  in  a  Mormon  fam- 


OLD    AND   NEW.  237 

ily  down  in  soutliern  Utah,  which  weighed  about  nine 
pounds,  and  when  the  ex  officio  husband,  who  had  been 
absent  two  years,  returned,  he  acted  kind  of  wild  and 
surprised,  somehow,  and  as  he  went  through  the  daily 
round  of  his  work  he  could  be  seen  counting  his  fingers 
back  and  forth  and  looking  at  the  almanac,  and  adding 
up  little  amounts  on  the  side  of  the  barn  with  a  piece 
of  red  chalk. 

Finally,  one  of  the  inspired  mob  of  that  part  of  the 
vineyard  thought  it  Avas  about  time  to  get  a  revelation 
and  go  down  there,  so  he  did  so.  He  sailed  up  to  the 
de  facto  husband  and  quasi  parent  and  solemnly  straight 
ened  up  some  little  irregularities  as  to  dates,  but  the 
revelation  was  received  with  disdain,  and  the  revelator 
was  sent  home  in  an  old  ore  sack  and  buried  in  a  peach 
basket. 

Sometimes  there  is,  even  in  Utah,  a  manifestation  of 
such  irreverence  and  open  hostility  to  the  church  that 
it  makes  us  shudder. 


THE  MODEL  SLEEPING-CAR. 

One  of  these  days  they  will  invent  a  sleeper  with  a 
quart  of  pure  air  for  each  person,  instead  of  only  a 
mouthful.  If  there  could  be  more  pure  air,  and  less 
mahogany  corners  on  which  to  bump  the  system,  and 
the  porter  received  a  regular  salary  instead  of  mobbing 
the  train  with  a  whisk  broom,  and  garroting  the  pas- 
sengers for  $1  each,  life  would  be  more  desirable. 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    XLII. 


THE  TONGUE-DESTROYING  FRENCH  LANGUAGE. 


The  Rue  de  la  Sitting  Bull  Difficulty   in   Getting  the 

Drinh    You   \Yant — Paris  an  Old  Town — The  Exjpo- 

sition  Not  Very  Enjoy alAe. 

I  am  going  to  rest  myself  by  writing  a  few  pages  in 
the  language  spoken  in  the  United  States,  for  I  am 
tired  of  tiie  infernal  lingo  of  this  God-forsaken  coun- 
try, and  feel  like  talking  in  my  own  mother  tongue 
and  on  some  other  subject  than  the  Exposition.  I 
have  very  foolishly  tried  to  talk  a  little  of  this  tongue- 
destroj'ing  French,  but  my  teeth  are  so  loose  now  that 
I  am  going  to  let  them  tighten  up  again  before  I  try  it 
any  more. 

Day  before  yesterday  it  was  very  warm,  and  I  asked 
two  or  three  frientls  to  step  into  a  big  drug  store  on 
the  Rue  de  la  Sitting  Bull,  to  get  a  glass  of  soda.  (I 
don't  remember  the  names  of  these  streets,  so  in  some 
cases  I  give  them  Wyoming  names.)  I  think  the  man 
who  kept  the  place  probably  came  from  Canada,  Most 
all  the  people  in  Paris  are  Canadians.  He  came  for- 
ward, and  had  a  slight  attack  of  delirium  tremens,  and 
said : 

"  Ze  vooly  voo  a  la  boomerang  ?" 

I  patted  the  soda  fountain  and  said : 

"  No,  not  so  bad  as  that,  if  you  please.  Just  squeeze 
a  littls  of  your  truck  into  a  tumbler,  and  flavor  it  to 
suit  the  bovs.     As  lor  myself,  I  will  take   about   two 

£38 


-        OLD   AND   NEW.  239 

fingers  of  bug  juice  in  mine  to  sweeten  my  breath." 

But  he  didn't  understand  me.  His  parents  had  neg- 
lected his  education,  no  doubt,  and  got  him  a  job  in  a 
drug  store.     So  I  said : 

"  Look  here,  you  frog-hunting,  red-headed  Commun- 
ist, I  will  give  you  just  five  minutes  to  fix  up  my  bev- 
erage, and  if  you  Avill  put  a  little  tangle-foot  into  it  I 
will  pay  you ;  otherwise  I  will  pick  up  a  pound  weight 
and  paralyze  you.  Now,  you  understand.  Flavor  it 
with  spirituous  frumenti^  old  rye,  benzine — bay  rum — 
anything!  Parley  voo^  e pluribus  umim,  sic  semper  go 
hraugh!  Do  you  understand  thati 

But  he  didn't  understand  it,  so  I  had  to  kill  him.  I 
am  having  him  stuffed.  The  taxidermist  who  is  doing 
the  job  lives  down  on  the  Rue  de  la  Crazy  Woman's 
Fork.  I  think  that  is  the  name  of  the  Rue  that  he 
lives  on. 

Paris  is  quite  an  old  town.  It  is  older  and  wickeder 
than  Cheyenne,  I  think,  but  I  may  be  prejudiced  against 
the  place.  It  is  very  warm  here  this  summer,  and 
there  are  a  good  many  odors  that  I  don't  know  the 
names  of.  It  is  a  great  national  congress  of  rare  im- 
ported smells.  I  have  detected  and  catalogued  1,360 
out  of  a  |x)ssible  1,400. 

I  have  not  enjoyed  the  Exposition  so  much  as  I 
thought  I  was  going  to;  partly  because  it  has  been  so 
infernally  hot,  and  partly  because  I  have  been  a  little 
nomesick.  I  was  very  homesick  on  board  ship ;  very 
homesick  indeed.  About  all  the  amusement  that  we 
had  crossing  the  wide  waste  of  waters  was  to  go  and 
lean  over  the  ship's  railing  by  the  hour,  and  telescope 
the  duodenum  into  the  aesophagus.      I  used  to  stand 


240  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

that  way  and  look  down  into  the  dark  green  depths 
of  old  ocean,  and  wonder  what  mysterious  secrets  were 
hidden  beneath  the  green,  cold  waves  and  the  wide 
rushing  waste  of  swirling,  foamy  waters.  I  learned  to 
love  this  weird  picture  at  last,  and  used  to  go  out  on 
deck  every  morning  and  swap  my  breakfast  to  this 
priceless  panorama  for  the  privilege  of  watching  it  all 
day. 

I  can't  say  that  I  hanker  very  much  for  a  life  on  the 
ocean  wave.  I  am  trying  to  arrange  it  so  as  to  go 
home  by  land.  I  think  I  can  make  up  for  the  addi- 
tional expense  in  food.  I  bought  more  condemned 
sustenance,  and  turned  it  over  to  the  Atlantic  ocean  for 
inspection,  than  I  have  eaten  since  I  came  here. 


CARVING  SCHOOLS. 

They  are  agitating  the  matter  of  instituting  carving 
schools,  in  the  East,  so  that  the  rising  generation  will 
be  able  to  pass  down  through  the  corridors  of  time 
without  its  lap  full  of  dressing  and  its  bosom  laden 
with  gravy  and  remorse.  The  students  at  this  school 
will  wear  barbed-wire  masks  while  practicing.  These 
masks  will  be  similar  to  those  worn  by  German  stu- 
dents, who  slice  each  other  up  while  obtaining  an  educa- 
tion. 


THE  liHsr  HI.(.'^f^<»M  OF  THE  SPRING. 


CHESTNUT-BUER.    XLIV. 


ONE  TOUCH  OF  NATURE. 


Terrible  Loss  of  Children  —  Strange  Sympathy  of  the 

Health  Officer  —  The  Old  Manus  Defense  of  his  Boys 

—  He  Gives  Free  Utterance  to  his  Heresies. 

Up    in    Polk    county,   Wis.,  not    long  ago,  a  man 

who  had  lost  eight  children  by  diphtheria,  while  the 

ninth  hovered  between  life  and  death  with  the  same 

disease,  went  to  the  health  oiBBcer  of  the  town  and  asked 

aid  to  prevent  the  spread  of  the  terrible  scourge.     The 

health  officer  was  cool  and  collected.     He  did  not  get 

excited  over  the  anguish  of  the  father  whose  last  child 

was  at  the  moment  hovering  upon  the  outskirts   of 

immortality.     He  calmly  investigated  the  matter,  and 

never  for  a  moment  lost  sight  of  the  fact  that  he  was 

a  town  officer  and  a  professed  Christian. 

"  You  ask  aid,  I  understand,"  said  he,  "  to  prevent 
the  spread  of  the  disease,  and  also  that  the  town  shall 
assist  you  in  procuring  new  and  necessary  clothing,  to 
replace  that  which  you  have  been  compelled  to  burn  in 
order  to  stop  the  further  inroads  of  diphtheria.  Am  I 
right  ? " 
The  poor  man  answered  affirmatively. 
*'  May  I  ask  if  your  boys  who  died  were  Christian 
boys,  and  whether  they  improved  their  gospel  oppor- 
tunities and  attended  the  Sabbath  school,  or  whether 
they  were  profane  and  given  over  to  Sab  bath- break- 
ing?" 

245 


246  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

The  bereft  father  said  that  his  boys  had  never  made 
a  profession  of  Christianity ;  that  they  were  hardly  old 
enough  to  do  so,  and  that  they  might  have  missed 
some  gospel  opportunities  owing  to  the  fact  that  they 
were  poor,  and  hadn't  clothes  fit  to  wear  to  Sabbath 
school.  Possibly,  too,  they  had  met  with  wicked  com- 
panions, and  had  been  taught  to  swear  ;  he  could  not 
say  but  they  might  have  sworn,  although  he  thought 
they  would  have  turned  out  to  be  good  boys  had  they 
lived. 

"  I  am  sorry  that  the  case  is  so  bad,"  said  the  health 
officer.  "  I  am  led  to  believe  that  God  has  seen  fit  to 
visit  you  with  affliction  in  order  to  express  His  divine 
disapproval  of  profanity,  and  I  cannot  help  you.  It 
ill  becomes  us  poor,  weak  worms  of  the  dust  to  meddle 
Avith  the  just  judgments  of  God.  Whether  as  an  indi- 
vidual or  as  a  quasi  corporation,  it  is  well  to  allow  the 
Almighty  to  work  out  His  great  plan  of  salvation,  and 
to  avoid  all  carnal  interference  with  the  works  of  God." 

The  old  man  went  back  to  his  desolated  home  and  to 
the  bedside  of  his  only  living  child.  I  met  him  yester- 
day and  he  told  me  all  about  it. 

''  I  am  not  a  professor  of  religion,"  said  he,  "  but  I 
tell  you,  Mr.  Nye,  I  can't  believe  that  this  board  of 
health  has  used  me  right.  Somehow  I  ain't  worried 
about  my  little  fellers  that  is  gone.  They  was  little 
fellers,  anyway,  and  they  wasn't  posted  on  the  plan 
of  salvation,  but  they  was  always  kind  and  they  always 
minded  me  and  their  mother.  If  God  is  using  diph- 
theria agin  perfanity  this  season  they  didn't  know  it. 
They  was  too  young  to  know  about  it  and  I  was  too 
poor  to  take  the  papers,  so  I  didn't  know  it  nuther.     I 


OLD   AND   NEW.  247 

just  thought  that  Christ  Avas  partial  to  kids  like  mine, 
just  the  same  as  He  used  to  be  2,000  years  ago  when 
the  country  was  new.  I  admit  that  my  little  shavers 
never  went  to  Sabbath  school  much,  and  I  wasn't 
scholar  enough  to  throw  much  light  onto  God's  system 
of  retribution,  but  I  told  "em  to  behave  themselves,  and 
they  did,  and  we  had  a  good  deal  of  fun  together  —  me 
and  the  boys  —  and  they  was  so  bright,  and  square,  and 
cute  that  I  didn't  see  how  they  could  fall  under  divine 
wrath,  and  I  don't  believe  they  did. 

"  I  could  tell  you  lots  of  smart  little  things  that  they 
used  to  do,  Mr.  Nye,  but  they  wa'n't  mean  and  cussed. 
They  was  just  frolicky  and  gay  sometimes  because 
they  felt  good.  I  don't  believe  God  had  it  in  for  'em 
bekuz  they  was  like  other  boys,  do  you  ?  Fer  if  I 
thought  so  it  would  kind  o'  harden  me  and  the  old 
lady  and  make  us  sour  on  all  creation. 

"  Mind  you,  I  don't  kick  because  I'm  left  alone  here 
in  the  woods,  and  the  sun  don't  seem  to  shine,  and  the 
birds  seems  a  little  backward  about  singin'  this  spring, 
and  the  house  is  so  quiet,  and  she  is  still  all  the  time 
and  cries  m  the  night  when  she  thinks  I  am  asleep. 
All  that  is  tough,  Mr.  Nye —  tough  as  old  Harry,  too 
—  but  it's  so,  and  I  ain't  murmurin',  but  when  the 
board  of  health  says  to  me  that  the  Euler  of  the  Uni- 
verse is  makin'  a  tower  of  northern  Wisconsm,  mowin' 
down  little  boys  with  sore  throat  because  they  say 
'  gosh,'  I  can't  believe  it. 

"  I  know  that  people  who  ain't  familiar  with  the 
facts  will  shake  their  heads  and  say  that  I  am  a  child 
of  wrath,  but  I  can't  help  it.  All  I  can  do  is  to  go  up 
there  under  the  trees  where  them  little  graves  is,  and 


248  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

think  how  all-fired  pleasant  to  me  them,  little,  short 
lives  was,  and  how  every  one  of  them  little  fellers  was 
when  he  come,  poor  as  I  was,  and  how  I  rastled  with 
poor  crops  and  pine  stumps  to  buy  cloze  for  'em,  and 
didn't  care  a  cent  for  style  as  long  as  they  was  well. 
That's  the  kind  of  heretic  I  am,  and  if  God  is  like  a 
father  that  settles  it.  lie  wouldn't  wipe  out  my  fam- 
ily just  to  establish  discipline,  I  don't  believe.  The 
plan  of  creation  must  be  on  a  bigger  scale  than  that, 
it  seems  to  me,  or  else  it's  more  or  less  a  fizzle. 

"That  board  of  health  is  better  read  than  I  am.  It 
takes  the  papers  and  can  add  up  figures,  and  do  lots  of 
things  that  I  can't  do ;  but  when  them  fellers  tell  me 
that  they  represent  the  town  of  Balsam  Lake  and  the 
Kingdom  of  Heaven,  my  morbid  curiosity  is  aroused, 
and  I  want  to  see  the  stiffykits  of  election." 


HOW  TO  DEAL  WITH  THE  REVOLVER  DIFFICULTY. 

If  revolvers  could  not  be  sold  for  less  than  $500  a 
piece,  with  a  guarantee  on  the  part  of  the  vendee, 
signed  by  good  sureties,  that  he  would  support  the 
widows  and  orphans,  you  would  see  more  longevity 
lying  around  loose,  and  Western  cemeteries  would  cease 
to  roll  up  such  mighty  majorities. 


THE  FEMALE  ARTISTE. 

Along  the  dreary  pathway  of  this  cloud-environed 
life  of  ours  there  is  no  joy  so  pure,  no  triumph  so  com- 
plete, no  success  so  fraught  with  rapture,  as  that  of 
the  female  artiste  who  hangs  on  the  flying  trapeze  by 
her  chilblain  and  kisses  her  hand  to  the  perspiring 
throng; 


CHESTNUT-BURR.    XLV. 


FUN  OF  BEING  A  PUBLISHER. 


Publishing  Is  Not  All  Joy  and  Johnny  jump-ups —  A 
Singular  Letter  —  Plot  of  a  Novel  —  Algonquin 
and  Sciatnca. 

Being  a  publisher  is  not  all  sunshine,  joy  and  johnn y- 
jump-ups,  although  the  gentle  and  tractable  reader  may 
at  times  think  so. 

A  letter  was  received  two  years  ago  by  the  publish- 
ers of  this  book,  on  the  outside  of  which  was  the 
request  to  the  "P.  Master  of  Chicago  to  give  to  the 
most  reliable  man  in  Chicago  and  oblige." 

The  P.  Master  thereupon  gave  the  letter  to  Messrs. 
Belford,  Clarke  &  Co.,  who  have  sent  it  to  me  as  a  lite- 
rary curiosity.  I  want  it  to  go  down  to  posterity,  so  I 
put  it  in  this  great  work.  I  simply  change  the  names, 
and  where  words  are  too  obscure,  doctor  them  up  a 
little : 

Butler,  Bates  county.  Mo.,  Jan.,  1886.  . 

I  have  a  novle  fresh  and  pure  from  the  pen,  wich  1 
would  like  to  be  examined  by  you.  I  wish  to  bring  it 
before  the  public  the  ensuing  summer.  I  have  wrote  a 
good  deal  for  the  press,  and  always  with  great  suc- 
cess. I  wrote  once  an  article  on  the  growth  of  pie 
plant  wich  was  copied  fur  and  wide.  You  may  have 
heard  of  me  through  my  poem  on  "  The  Cold,  Damp 
Sea  or  the  Murmuring  Wave  and  its  Sad  Kerplunk." 

249 


250  BILL  nye's  chestnuts. 

I  dashed  it  off  one  summer  day  for  the  Scabtown 
Herald. 

In  it,  I  enter  the  fair  field  of  fancy  and  with  exquisite 
word  painting,  I  lead  the  reader  on  and  on  until  he  for- 
gets that  breakfast  is  ready,  and  follows  the  thrilling 
career  of  Algonquin  and  his  own  fair-haired  Sciatica 
through  page  after  page  of  delirious  joy  and  poetic 
rithum. 

In  this  novle  I  have  wove  a  woof  of  possibilities 
criss-crossed  with  pictures  of  my  own  wild,  unfettered 
fancy,  which  makes  it  a  work  at  once  truthful  and  yet 
sufficiently  unnatural  to  make  it  egorly  sot  for  by  the 
great  reading  world. 

The  plot  of  the  novle  is  this  : 

Algonquin  is  a  poor  artist,  who  paints  lovely  sunsets 
and  things,  nights,  and  cuts  cordwood  during  the  day, 
struggling  to  win  a  competence  so  that  he  can  sue  for 
the  hand  of  Sciatica,  the  wealthy  daughter  of  a 
plumber. 

She  does  not  love  him  much,  and  treats  him  coldly ; 
but  he  perseveres  till  one  of  his  exquisite  pictures  is 
egorly  snapt  up  by  a  wealthy  man  at  $2.  The  man 
afterwards  turns  out  to  be  Sciatica's  pa. 

He  says  unkind  things  of  Algonquin,  and  intimates 
that  he  is  a  better  artist  in  four-foot  wood  than  he  is  as 
a  sunset  man.  He  says  that  Algonquin  is  more  of  a 
Michael  Angelo  in  basswood  than  anywhere  else,  and 
puts  a  wet  blanket  on  Sciataca^s  love  for  Algonquin. 

Then  Sciataca  grows  colder  than  ever  to  Algonquin, 
and  engages  herself  to  a  wealthy  journalist. 

Just  as  the  wedding  is  about  to  take  place,  Algonquin 
finds  that  he  is  by  birth  an  Ohio  man.     Sciataca  repents 


OLD   AND    NEW.  251 

and  marries  her  first  love.  He  secures  the  appointment 
of  governor  of  Wyoming,  and  tliey  remove  to 
Cheyenne. 

Then  there  are  many  little  bursts  of  pictureskness 
and  other  things  that  I  would  like  to  see  in  print. 

I  send  also  a  picture  of  myself  which  I  would  like  to 
have  in  the  book.  Tell  the  artist  to  tone  down  the 
freckles  so  that  the  features  may  be  seen  by  the  observer? 
and  put  on  a  diamond  pin  so  that  it  will  have  an  ap. 
pearance  of  wealth,  which  the  author  of  a  book  generally 
wears. 

It  is  not  wrote  very  good,  but  that  won't  make  any 
difference  when  it  is  in  print. 

When  the  reading  public  begins  to  devour  it,  and  llie 
scads  come  rolling  in,  3^ou  can  deduct  enough  for  to  ])ay 
your  expenses  of  printing  and  pressing,  and  send  me 
the  balance  by  postoffice  money  order.  Please  get  it 
on  the  market  as  soon  as  possible,  as  I  need  a  Swiss 
muzzlin  and  some  other  togs  suitable  to  my  position  in 
liturary  circles.        Yours  truly, 

LuKLLA  Blinker. 


A  LESSON  FROM  THE  MULE. 

We  may  often  learn  a  valuable  lesson  from  the  stub- 
born mule,  and  guard  against  the  too  protuberant  use 
of  our  own  ideas  in  opposition  to  other  powers  against 
which  it  is  useless  to  contend.  It  may  be  wrong  for 
giant  powder  to  blow  the  top  of  a  man's  head  off  with- 
out cause,  but  repeated  contests  have  proved  that  even 
when  giant  powder  is  in  the  wrong,  it  is  eventually 
victorious. 


CHESTFUT-BUEE.    XLYI. 


PERFORMANCE  OF  THE  PHCENIX. 


Mr.  Blackburn^  the  Heavy  Villian — Difficulties  With 
the  Scenery — The  Play  in  New  York — The  Mili- 
tary Parade. 

At  the  performance  of  "  The  Phoenix "  here,  the 
other  night,  there  was  a  very  affecting  place  where  the 
play  is  transferred  very  quickly  from  a  street  scene  to 
the  elegant  apartments  of  Mr.  Blackburn,  the  heavy 
villain.  The  street  scene  had  to  be  raised  out  of  the 
way,  and  the  effect  of  the  transition  was  somewhat 
marred  by  the  reluctance  of  the  scenery  in  rolling  up 
out  of  the  way.  It  got  about  half  way  up,  and  stopped 
there  in  an  undecided  manner,  which  annoyed  the 
heavy  villain  a  good  deal.  He  started  to  make  some 
blood-curdling  remarks  about  Mr.  Bludsoe,  and  had  got 
pretty  well  warmed  up  when  the  scenery  came  down 
with  a  bang  on  the  stage.  The  artist  who  pulls  up  the 
•curtain  and  fills  the  hall  lamps,  then  pulled  the  scene 
up  so  as  to  show  the  villain's  feet  for  fifteen  or  twenty 
minutes,  but  he  couldn't  get  it  any  farther.  It  seemed 
that  the  clothes  line,  by  which  the  elaborate  scenery  is 
operated,  got  tangled  up  some  way,  and  this  caused  the 
delay.  After  that  another  effort  was  made,  and  this 
time  the  street  scene  rolled  up  to  about  the  third  story 
of  a  brick  hotel  shown  in  the  foreground,  and  stopped 
there,  while  the  clarionet  and  first  violin  continued  a 
kmd  of  sad  tremulo.     Then  a  dark  hand,  with  a  wart 

253 


COMPLICATED  SCENIC  EFFECTS- 


OLD  AND   NEW.  255 

on  one  finger  and  an  oriental  dollar  store  ring  on  an- 
other, came  out  from  behind  the  wings  and  began  to 
wind  the  clothes-line  carefully  around  the  pole  at  the 
foot  of  the  scene.  The  villain  then  proceeded  with  his 
soliloquy,  while  the  street  scene  hung  by  one  corner  in 
such  a  way  as  to  make  a  large  warehouse  on  the  corner 
of  the  street  stand  at  an  angle  of  about  forty-five 
degrees, 

Laramie  will  never  feel  perfectly  happy  until  these 
little  hitches  are  dispensed  with.  Supposing  that  at 
some  place  in  the  play,  where  the  heroine  is  speaking 
soft  and  low  to  her  lover  and  the  proper  moment  has 
arrived  for  her  to  pillow  her  sunny  head  upon  his 
bosom,  that  street  scene  should  fetch  loose,  and  come 
down  with  such  momentum  as  to  knock  the  lovers  over 
into  the  arms  of  the  bass-viol  player.  Or  suppose  that 
in  some  death-bed  act  this  same  scene,  loaded  with  a 
telegraph  pole  at  the  bottom,  should  settle  down  all  at 
once  in  such  a  way  as  to  leave  the  death-bed  out  on 
the  corner  of  Monroe  and  Clark  streets,  in  front  of  a 
candy  store. 

Modern  stage  mechanism  has  now  reached  such  a 
degree  of  perfection  that  the  stage  carpenter  does  not 
go  up  on  a  step  ladder,  in  the  middle  of  a  play,  and 
nail  the  corner  of  a  scene  to  a  stick  of  2x4  scantling, 
while  a  duel  is  going  on  near  the  step  ladder.  In  all 
the  larger  theaters  and  opera  houses,  now,  they  are  not 
doing  that  way. 

Of  course  little  incidents  occur,  however,  even  on 
the  best  stages,  and  where  the  whole  thing  works  all 
right.  For  instance,  the  other  day,  a  young  actor,  who 
was  kneeling  to  a  beautiful  heiress  down  East,  got  a 


256  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

little  too  far  front,  and  some  scenery  ,  which  was  to 
come  together  in  the  middle  of  the  stage  to  pianissimo 
music,  shut  him  outside  and  divided  the  tableau  in  two, 
leaving  the  young  actor  apparently  kneeling  at  the 
foot  of  a  street  lamp,  as  though  he  might  be  hunting 
for  a  half  a  dollar  that  he  had  just  dropped  on  the 
sidewalk. 

There  was  a  play  in  New  York,  not  long  ago,  in 
which  there  was  a  kind  of  military  parade  introduced, 
and  the  leader  of  a  file  of  soldiers  had  his  instructions 
to  march  three  times  around  the  stage  to  martial  music, 
and  then  file  off  at  the  left,  the  whole  column,  of 
course,  following  him.  After  marching  once  around, 
the  stage  manager  was  surprised  to  see  the  leader 
deliberately  wheel,  and  walk  off  the  stage,  at  the  left, 
with  the  whole  battalion  following  at  his  heels.  The 
manager  went  to  him  and  abused  him  shamefully  for 
his  haste,  and  told  him  he  had  a  mind  to  discharge  him ; 
but  the  talented  hack  driver,  who  thus  acted  as  the 
military  leader,  and  who  had  over-played  himself  by 
marching  off  the  stage  ahead  of  time,  said : 

"  Well,  confound  it,  you  can  discharge  me  if  you 
want  to,  but  what  was  a  man  to  do?  Would  you  have 
me  march  around  three  times  when  my  military  pants 
were  coming  off,  and  I  knew  it  ?  Military  pride,  pomp, 
parade  and  circumstance,  are  all  right ;  but  it  can  be 
overdone.  A  military  squadron,  detachment,  or  what- 
ever it  is,  can  make  more  of  a  parade,  under  certain 
circumstances,  than  is  advertised.  I  didn't  want  to 
give  people  more  show  than  they  paid  for,  and  I  ask 
you  to  put  yourself  in  my  place.  When  a  man  is  paid 
three  dollars  a  week  to  play  a  Eoman  soldier,  would 


OLD   AND   NEW.  257 

yotr  have  him  play  the  Greek  slave  ?  No,  sir ;  I  guess 
I  know  what  I'm  hired  to  play,  and  I'm  going  to  play 
it,.  When  you  want  me  to  play  Adam  in  the  Garden 
of  Eden,  just  give  me  my  fig  leaf  and  salary  enough  to 
make  it  interesting,  and  I  will  try  and  properly  inter- 
pret the  character  for  you,  or  refund  the  money  at  the 
door." 


FIRMNESS. 

Firmness  is  a  good  thing  in  its  place,  but  we  should 
early  learn  that  to  be  firm,  we  need  not  stand  up 
against  a  cyclone  till  our  internal  economy  is  blown  into 
the  tops  of  the  neighboring  trees.  Moral  courage  is  a 
good  thing,  but  it  is  useless  unless  you  have  a  liver  to 
go  along  with  it.  Sometimes  a  man  is  required  to  lay 
down  his  life  for  his  principles,  but  the  cases  where  he 
is  expected  to  lay  down  his  digester  on  the  altar  of 
his  belief,  are  comraratively  seldom. 


PUGILIST  OR  STATESMAN. 

Thousands  of  our  own  boys,  who  to-day  are  spear- 
ing frogs,  or  bathing  in  the  rivers  of  their  native  land 
and  parading  on  the  shingly  beach  with  no  clothes  on 
to  speak  of,  are  left  to  chose  between  such  a  career  of 
usefulness  and  greatness  of  brow,  and  the  humdrum 
life  of  a  bilious  student  and  pale,  sad  congressman. 
Will  you  rise  to  the  proud  pinnacle  of  fame  as  a  pugil- 
ist, boys,  or  will  you  plug  along  as  a  sorrowing,  over- 
worked statesman?  Now,  in  the  spring-time  of  your 
lives,  choose  between  the  two,  and  abide  the  conse- 
quences. 
17 


POETIC  CHESTNUTS. 


NYE  AS  A  CRITIC  AND  NYE  AS  A  POET. 


The  Poet  of  the  Greeley  Eye  —  The  Dying  Cowboy  and 
the    Preacher  —  A    Mournfxil  Stanza  —  Poems   hy 
Nye  —  Apostrophe   to  an    Orphaii    Mule  —  Ode    to 
Spring  —  The  Picnic  Snoozeis  Lament —  Ode  to  the 
Cucumher  —  Apostrophe  to    Oscar    Wilde  —  An  Ad- 
justable Campaign  Song  —  The  beautiful  Snow. 
A  new  and  dazzling  literary  star  has  risen  above  the 
horizon,  and  is  just  about  to  shoot  athwart  the  starry 
-vault  of  poesy.     How  wisely  are  all  things  ordered, 
and  how  promptly  does  the  new  star  begin  to  beam, 
upon  the  decline  of  the  old. 

Hardly  had  the  sweet  singer  of  Michigan  com- 
menced to  wane  and  to  flicker,  when,  rising  above  the 
western  hills,  the  glad  light  of  the  rising  star  is  seen, 
and  adown  the  canyons  and  gulches  of  the  Rocky 
mountains  comes  the  melodious  cadences  of  the  poet  of 
the  Greeley  Eye. 

Couched  in  the  rough  terms  of  the  West,  robed  in 
the  untutored  language  of  the  Michael  Angelo  slang 
of  the  miner  and  the  cowboy,  the  poet  at  first  twitters 
a  little  on  a  bough  far  up  the  canyon,  gradually  waking 
the  echoes,  until  the  song  is  taken  up  and  handed  back 
by  every  rock  and  crag  along  the  rugged  ramparts  of 
the  mighty  mountain  barrier. 

Listen  to  the  opening  stanza  of  "  The  Dying  Cowboy 
and  the  Preacher :  " 

258 


OLD   AND   NEW.  259 

So,  old  gospel  shark,  they  tell  me  I  must  die; 
That  the  wheels  of  life's  wagon  have  rolled  into  their  last  rut, 
Well,  I  will  "  pass  in  my  checks  "  without  a  whimper  or  a  cry, 
And  die  as  I  have  lived — "  a  hard  nut." 

This  is  no  time-worn  simile,  no  hackneyed  illustra- 
tion or  bald-headed  decrepit  comparison,  but  a  new, 
fresh  illustration  that  appeals  to  the  Western  character, 
and  lifts  the  very  soui  out  of  the  kinks,  as  it  were. 
Wheels  of  life's  wagon  have  rolled  into  their  last  rut. 

Ah  !  how  true  to  nature  and  yet  how  grand.  How 
broad  and  sweeping.  How  melodious  and  yet  how 
real.  I^one  but  the  true  poet  would  have  thought  to 
compare  the  close  of  life  to  the  sudden  and  unfortunate 
chuck  of  the  off  hind  wheel  of  a  lumber  wagon  into  a 
rut. 

In  fancy  we  can  see  it  all.  We  hear  the  low,  sad 
kerplunk  of  the  wheel,  the  loud  burst  of  earnest,  logical 
profanity,  and  then  all  is  still. 

Now  and  then  the  swish  of  a  mule's  tail  through  the 
air,  or  the  sigh  of  the  rawhide  as  it  shimmers  and 
hurtles  through  the  silent  air,  and  then  a  calm  falls 
upon  the  scene.  Anon,  the  driver  bangs  the  mule  that 
is  ostensiblj^  pulling  his  daylights  out,  but  who  is,  in 
fact,  humping  up  like  an  angle  worm,  without  Dulling 
a  pound. 

Then  the  poet  comes  to  the  close  of  the  cowboy's 
cnreer  in  this  style : 

"Do  I  repent  ? "    No — of  nothing  present  or  past; 

So  skip,  old  preach,  on  gospel  pap  I  won't  be  fed; 

My  breath  comes  hard;  I — am  going — but — 1 — am  game  to  the — last. 

And  reckless  of  the  future,  as  the  present,  the  cowboy  was  dead. 

If  we  could  write  poetry  like  that,  do  you  think  we 


260  BILL   NYE*S   CHESTNUTS 

would  plod  along  the  dreary  pathway  of  the  journalist? 
Do  you  suppose  that  if  we  had  the  heaven-born  gift  of 
song  to  such  a  degree,  that  we  could  take  hold  of  the 
hearts  of  millions  and  warble  two  or  three  little  ditties 
like  that,  or  write  an  elegy  before  breakfast,  or  con- 
struct an  ionic,  anapestic  twitter  like  the  foregoing, 
that  we  would  carry  in  our  own  coal,  and  trim  our 
own  lamps,  and  wear  a  shirt  two  weeks  at  a  time  ? 

No,  sir.  We  would  hie  us  away  to  Europe  or  Salt 
Lake,  and  let  our  hair  grow  long,  and  we  would  write 
some  obituary  truck  that  would  make  people  disgusted 
with  life,  and  they  would  sigh  for  death  that  they 
might  leave  their  insurance  and  their  obituaries  to 
their  survivors. 


POEMS. 

APOSTROPHE  TO  AN  ORPHAN  MULE. 


Oh  !  lonely,  gentle,  unobtrusive  oule  ! 
Thou  standest  idly  'gainst  the  azure  sky, 
And  sweetly,  sadly  singeth  like  a  hired  man. 

Who  taught  thee  thus  to  warble 
In  the  noontide  heat  and  wrestle  with 
Thy  deep,  corroding  grief  and  joyless  woe? 
Who  taught  thy  simple  heart 

Its  pent-up,  wildly-warring  waste 
Of  wanton  woe  to  carol  forth  upon 
The  silent  air? 
I  chide  thee  not,  because  thy 
Song  is  fraught  with  grief -embittered 
Monotony  and  joyless  minor  chords 
Of  wild,  imported  melody,  for  thou 
Art  restless,  woe  begirt  and 
Compassed  round  about  with  gloom, 

Thou  timid,  trusting,  orphan  mulel 
Few  joys,  indeed,  are  thine, 
Thou  thrice-bestricken,  madly- 
Mournful,  melancholy  mule. 
And  he  alone  who  strews 
Thy  pathway  with  his  :old  remains 
Can  give  thee  recompense 

Of  lemoncholy  woe. 
He  who  hath  sought  to  steer 
Thy  limber,  yielding  tail 
Fernist  thy  crupper-band 

Hath  given  thee  joy,  and  he  alone. 
'Tis  true,  he  may  have  shot 
Athwart  the  Zodiac,  and,  lOoking 
O'er  the  outer  walls  upon 

The  New  Jerusalem, 
261 


262  BILL   NYE  S   CHESTNUTS 

Have  uttered  vain  regrets. 
Thou  reckest  not,  O  orphan  mule. 
For  it  hath  given  thee  joy,  and 
Bound  about  thy  bursting  heart, 
And  held  thy  tottering  reason 

To  its  throne. 
Sing  on,  O  mule,  and  warble 
In  the  twilight  gray, 
Unchidden  by  th    heartless  throng. 
Sing  of  thy  parents  on  thy  father's  side. 
Yearn  for  the  daj's  now  past  and  gone; 
For  he  who  pens  these  halting, 
Limping  lines  to  tliee 
Doth  bid  thee  yearn,  and  yearn,  and  yearn. 


ODE  TO  SPKING. 


FANTASIA  FOR  THE  BASS  DRUM;  ADAPTED  FROM 
THE  GERMAN  BY  WILLIAM  VON  NYJ. 


In  the  days  of  laughing  spring  time. 
Comes  the  mild-eyed  sorrel  cow. 

With  bald-headed  patches  on  her, 
Poor  and  lousy,  I  allow  ; 

And  she  waddles  through  your  garden 
O'er  the  radish-beds,  I  trow. 

Then  the  red-nosed,  wild-eyed  orphan. 

With  his  cyclopaediee. 
Hies  him  to  the  rural  districts 

With  more  or  less  alacrity. 
And  he  showeth  up  its  merits 

To  the  bright  eternitee. 

How  the  bumble-bee  doth  bumble- 
Bumbling  in  the  fragrant  air, 

Bumbling  with  bis  little  humbler. 
Till  he  climbs  the  golden  stair. 

Then  the  angels  will  provide  him 
With  another  bumbUaire. 


OLD    AND    NEW.  263 

THE  PICNIC  SNOOZER'S  LAMENT. 


Gently  lay  aside  the  picnic, 

For  its  usefulness  is  o'er. 
And  the  winter  style  of  misery 

tStands  and  knocks  upon  your  door. 

Lariat  the  lonely  oyster, 

Drifting  on  some  foreign  shore; 
Zion  needs  him  in  her  business — 

She  can  use  him  o'er  and  o'er. 

Bring  along  the  lonely  oyster, 
With  the  winter  style  of  gloom. 

And  the  supper  for  the  pastor, 
With  its  victims  for  the  tomb. 

Cast  the  pudding  for  the  pastor. 
With  its  double  iron  door  ; 

It  will  gather  in  the  pastor 
For  the  bright  and  shining  shore. 

Put  away  the  little  picnic 
Till  the  coming  of  the  spring  ; 

Useless  now  the  swaying  hammock 
And  the  idle  picnic  swing. 

Put  away  the  pickled  spider 
And  the  cold  pressed  picnic  fly, 

And  the  decorated  trousers 
With  their  wealth  of  custard  pie. 


ODE  TO  THE  CUCUMBER. 


O,  a  cucumber  grew  by  the  deep  rolling  sea. 

And  it  tumbled  about  in  reckless  glee 

Till  the  summer  waned  and  the  grass  turned  brown. 

And  the  farmer  plucked  it  and  took  it  to  town 

Wrinkled  and  warty  and  bilious  and  blue, 
It  lay  in  the  market  the  autumn  through  ; 
Till  a  woman  with  freckles  on  her  cheek 
Led  in  her  husband,  sc  mild  and  meek. 


264  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

He  purchased  the  fruit,  at  her  request, 
And  hid  it  forever  uuder  his  vest, 
For  it  doubled  him  up  like  a  kangaroo, 
And  now  he  sleeps  'neath  the  violets  blue. 


APOSTROPHE  ADDRESSED  TO  O.  WILDE. 


Soft  eyed  seraphic  kuss 
With  limber  legs  and  lily  on  the  side. 
We  greet  you  from  the  raw 
And  uncouth  West. 
The  cowboy  yearns  to  yank  thee 
To  his  brawny  breast  and  squeeze 
Thy  palpitating  gizzard 
Through  thy  vest. 
Come  to  the  mountain  fastness, 
Oscar,  with  thy  low  neck  shirt 
And  high  neck  pants; 
Fly  to  the  coyote's  home, 
Thou  son  of  Albion, 
James  Crow  bard  and  champion  aesthete 
From  o'er  the  summer  sea. 
Sit  on  the  fuzzy  cactus,  king  of  poesy. 
And  song, 

Rid<  the  fierce  broncho  o'er  the  dusty  plain. 
And  le'  tht  zephyr  sigh  among  thy  buttery  locks. 
Welcome  thou  genius  of  dyspeptic  song. 
Thou  bilious  lunatic  from  far-ofE  lands. 
Come  to  the  home  of  genius. 
By  the  snowy  hills. 

And  wrestle  with  the  alcoholic  inspiration 
Of  our  cordial  home. 

We  yearn 
To  put  the  l)loom  upon  thy  alabaster  nose, 
And  plant  the  jim-jams 
In  thy  clustering  hair. 
Hail,  mighty  snoozer  from  across  the  maini 

We  greet  thee 
With  our  free,  untutored  ways  and  wild,     . 


OLD   AND   NEW.  265 

Peculiar  style  of  deadly  beverage. 
Come  to  the  broad,  free  West  and  mingle 
With  our  high-toned  mob. 

Come  to  the  glorious  Occident 

And  dally  with  the  pack-mule's  whisk-broom  tail; 

Study  his  odd  yet  soft  demeanor, 

And  peculiar  mien. 

Tickle  his  gambrel  with  a  sunflower  bud 

And  scoot  across  the  blue  horizon 

To  the  tooness  of  the  sweet  and  succulent  beyond. 

We'll  gladly 
Gather  up  thy  shattered  remnants 
With  a  broom  and  ship  thee  to  thy  beauteous  home. 
Forget  us  not, 
Thou  bilious  pelican  from  o'er  the  sea. 

Thou  blue-nosed  clam 
With  pimply,  bulging  brow,  but 
Come  and  we  will  welcome  thee 
With  ancient  omelet  and  fragrant  sausage 

Of  forgotten  years. 


ADJUSTABLE  CAMPAIGN  SONG. 


{AxR— Rally  Bound  tlie  Flag,  Boys.) 
Oh,   we'll  gather  from  the   hillsides, 

We'll  gather  from  the  glen, 
Shouting  the  battle  cry  of    .    .    .     » 
And  we'll  round  up  our  voters. 
Our  brave  and  trusty  men, 
Shouting  the  battle  cry  of    ...    « 
Chorus. 
Oh,  our  candidate  forever, 

Te  doodle  daddy  a, 
Down  with  old     .... 
Turn  a  foodie  diddy  a, 
And  we'll  whoop  de  dooden  do, 

Fal  de  adden  adden  a. 
And  don't  you  never  forget  it. 


266  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

Oh,  we'll  meet  the  craven  foe 
On  the  fall  election  day. 

Shouting  the  battle  cry  of    ...     . 

And  we'll  try  to  let  him  know 

That  we're  going  to  have  our  way. 
Shouting  the  battle  cry  of    ...     , 

Chorus. 

Oh,  our  candidate  forever,  etc. 

Oh,  we're  the  people's  friends, 

As  all  can  plainly  see, 
Shouting  the  battle  cry  of    ...     . 
And  we'll  whoop  de  dooden  doo, 
With  our  big  majority. 

And  don't  you  never  forget  it 

Chorus. 
Oh.  our  candidate  forever,  etc, 


THE  BEAUTIFUL  SNOW. 


O  drifted  whiteness  covering 

The  fair  face  of  nature. 

Pure  as  the  sigh  of  a  blessed  spirit 

On  the  eternal  shores,  you 

Glitter  in  the  summer  sun 

Considerable.     My  mortal 

Ken  seems  weak  and 

Helpless  in  the  midst  of 

Your  dazzling  splendor, 

And  I  would  hide  my 

Diminished  head  like 

Serf  unclothed  in  presence 

Of  his  mighty  King. 

You  lie  engulphed 
Within  the  cold  embrace 
Of  rocky  walls  and  giant 
Cliffs.     You  spread  out 


OLD   AND   NEW.  267 

Your  white  mantle  and 
Enwrap  the  whole  broad 
Universe,  and  a  portion 
Of  York  State. 

You  seem  content 
Resting  in  silent  whiteness 
On  the  frozen  breast  of 
The  cold,  dead  earth.    You 
Think  apparently  that 
You  are  middling  white  ; 
But  once  I  was  in  the 
Same  condition.    I  was 
Pure  as  the  beautiful  snow. 
But  I  fell.    It  was  a 
Right  smart  fall,  too. 
It  churned  me  up  a 
Good  deal  and  nearly 
Knocked  the  supreme 
Duplex  from  its  intellectual 
Throne.    It  occurred  in 
Washington,  D.  C. 

But  thou 
Snow,  lying  so  spotless 
On  the  frozen  earth,  as 
I  remarked  before,  thou 
Hast  indeed  a  soft. 
Soft  thing.     Thou  comest 
Down  like  the  silent 
Movements  of  a  specter. 
And  thy  fall  upon  the 
Earth  is  like  the  tread 
Of  those  who  walk  the 
Shores  of  immortality. 
You  lie  around  all 
Winter  drawing  your 
Annuities  till  spring. 
And  Dien  the  soft 
Breath  from  the  south  with 
Touch  seductive  bids  you 
Go,  and  you  ight  :)ut 
With  more  or  less  alacrity. 


A    BUSHEL 


OF 


SMALLKR    CHKSTNUTS. 


THE  TRUE  TALE  OF  WILLIAM  TELL. 


William  Tell  ran  a  hay  ranche  near  Bergelen,  about 
580  years  ago.  Tell  had  lived  in  the  mountains  all  his 
life,  and  shot  chamois  and  chipmunks  with  a  cross-gun, 
till  he  Avas  a  bad  man  to  stir  up. 

At  that  time  Switzerland  was  run  principally  by  a 
lot  of  carpet-baggers  from  Austria,  and  Tell  got  down 
on  them  about  the  year  1307.  It  seems  that  Tell 
wanted  the  government  contract  to  furnish  hay,  at  $45 
a  ton,  for  the  year  1306,  and  Gessler,  who  was  con- 
trolling the  patronage  of  Switzerland,  let  the  contract 
to  an  Austrian  who  had  a  big  lot  of  condemned  hay, 
farther  up  the  gulch. 

One  day  Gessler  put  his  plug  hat  up  on  a  telegraph 
pole,  and  issued  order  236,  regular  series,  to  the  effect 
that  every  snoozer  who  passed  down  the  toll  road 
should  bow  to  it, 

Gessler  happened  to  be  in  behind  the  brush  when 
Tell  went  by,  and  he  noticed  that  Bill  said  "  Shoot  the 
hat,"  and  didn't  salute  it ;  so  he  told  his  men  to  gather 
Mr.  Tell  in,  and  put  him  in  the  refrigerator. 

Gessler  told  him  that  if  he  would  shoot  a  crab-apple 
from  the  head  of  his  only  son  at  200  yards,  with  a 
cross-gun,  he  would  give  him  his  liberty. 

Tell  consented,  and  knocked  the  apple  higher  than 
Gilroy's  kite.     Old  Gessler,  however,  noticed  another 

268 


OLD    AND   NEW.  269 

arrow  sticking  in  William's  girdle,  and  he  asked  what 
kind  of  a  flowery  break  that  was. 

Tell  told  him  that  if  he  had  killed  the  kid  instead 
of  busting  the  apple,  he  intended  to  drill  a  hole  through 
the  stomach  of  Mr,  Gessler.  This  made  Gessler  mad 
again,  and  he  took  Tell  on  a  picnic  up  the  river,  in 
irons. 

Tell  jumped  off  when  he  got  a  gooa  chance,  and  cut 
across  a  bend  in  the  river,  and  when  the  picnic  party 
came  down,  he  shot  Gessler  deader  than  a  mackeral. 

This  opened  the  ball  for  freedom,  and  weakened  the 
Austrian  government  so  much  that  in  the  following 
November  they  elected  Tell  to  fill  the  long  term,  and 
a  half-breed  for  the  short  term. 

After  that,  Tell  Avas  recognized  by  the  ruling  power, 
and  he  could  get  most  any  contract  that  he  wanted  to. 
He  got  the  service  on  the  stage  line  up  into  the  Alps 
increased  to  adail}^  and  had  the  contracts  in  the  name 
of  his  son  Albert, 

The  appropriation  was  increased  $150,000  per  year, 
and  he  had  a  good  thing. 

Tell  lived  many  years  after  this,  and  was  loved  by 
the  Swiss  people  because  he  had  freed  their  land. 

Whenever  he  felt  lonesome,  he  would  take  his  cross- 
gun  and  go  out  and  kill  a  tyrant.  He  had  tyrant  on 
toast  most  every  day  till  Switzerland  was  free,  and  the 
peasants  blessed  him  as  their  deliverer. 

When  Tell  got  to  be  an  old  man  he  would  go  out  into 
the  mountains  and  apostrophize  them  in  these  memora- 
ble words : 

Ye  crags  and  peaks,  I'm  with  you  once  again.     I 
hold  to   you   the   hands   I  held   to   you   on  previous 


270  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

occasions,  to  show  you  they  are  free.  The  tyrant's  crnst 
is  busted,  so  to  speak.  His  race  is  run,  and  he  himself 
hath  scooted  up  the  flume.  Sic  semper  McGinnis, 
terra  firma,  nux  vomica,  Schweitzer  kase,  Timbuctoo, 
erysipelas,  e  pluribus  unum,  sciataca,  multum  in  parvo, 
vox  populi,  vox  snockemonthegob." 


WHY  WE  WEEP. 

In  justice  to  ourself  we  desire  to  state  that  the  Chey- 
enne Sun  has  villified  us  and  placed  us  in  a  false  posi- 
tion before  the  public.  It  has  stated  that  while  at 
Rock  Creek  station,  in  the  early  part  of  the  week,  we 
were  taken  for  a  peanutter,  and  otherwise  ill-treated  at 
the  railroad  eating  coiTal  and  omelette  em])oriuni,  and 
that  in  consequence  of  such  treatment  we  shed  great, 
scalding  tears  as  large  as  watermelons.  This  is  not 
true.  We  did  shed  tlie  tears  as  above  set  forth,  but  not 
because  of  ill-treatment  on  the  part  of  the  eating-house 
proprietor. 

It  was  the  presence  of  death  that  broke  our  heart 
and  opened  the  fountains  of  our  great  deep,  so  to  speak. 
When  we  poured  the  glucose  syrup  on  our  pancakes, 
the  stiff  and  cold  remains  of  a  large  beetle  and  two 
cunning  little  twin  cockroaches  fell  out  into  our  plate, 
and  lay  there  hushed  in  an  eternal  repose. 

Death  to  us  is  all  powerful.  The  King  of  Terrors  is 
to  us  the  mighty  sovereign  before  whom  we  must  all 
bow,  from  the  mighty  emperor  down  to  the  meanest 
slave,  from  the  railroad  ruperintciident,  riding  in  his 
-pecial  car,  down  to  the  humblest  humorist,  all  alike 
must  some  day  curl  up  and  die.  This  saddens  us  at  aU 
times,  but  more  peculiarly  so  when  Death,  with  his  re- 


OLD   AND    NEW.  271 

lentless  lawn-mower,  has  gathered  in  the  young  anu 
innoiorit.  This  was  the  case  where  two  little  twin 
cockroaches,  whose  lives  had  been  unspotted,  and  whose 
years  had  been  unclouded  by  wrong  and  selfishness 
were  called  upon  to  meet  death  together.  In  the 
stillness  of  the  night,  when  others  slept,  these  affection- 
ate little  twins  crept  into  the  glucose  syrup  and  died. 

We  hope  no  one  will  misrepresent  this  matter.  We 
did  weep,  and  we  are  not  ashamed  to  own  it.  We  sat 
there  and  sobbed  until  the  tablecloth  was  wet  for  four 
feet,  and  the  venerable  ham  was  floating  around  in 
tears.  It  was  not  for  ourself,  however,  that  we  wept. 
No  unkindness  on  the  part  of  an  eating  house  ever  }>ro- 
voked  such  a  tornado  of  woe.  We  just  weep  when  we 
see  death  and  are  brought  in  close  contact  with  it. 
And  we  were  not  the  only  one  that  shed  tears.  Dick- 
inson and  Warren  wept,  strong  men  as  the}''  were. 
Even  the  butter  wept.  Strong  as  it  was  it  could  not 
control  its  emotions. 

We  don't  very  often  answer  a  newspaper  attack,  but 
v/hen  we  are  accused  of  wee])ing  till  people  have  to 
take  off  their  boots  and  wring  out  their  socks,  we  want 
the  public  to  know  what  it  is  for. 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  YOUNG. 

Young  children  who  have  to  wait  till  older  people  have 
eaten  all  there  is  in  the  house,  should  not  open  the 
dining-i'oom  door  during  the  meal  and  ask  the  host  if 
lie  is  going  to  eat  all  day.  It  makes  the  company  feel 
ill  at  ease,  and  lays  up  wrath  in  the  parents'  heart. 

Children  should  not  appear  displeased  with  the  regu- 
lar courses  at  dinner,  and  then  fill  up  on  pie.     Eat  the 


272  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

less  expensive  food  first,  and  then  organize  a  Dicnic  in 
the  preserves  afterward. 

Do  not  close  out  the  last  of  your  soup  by  taking  the 
plate  in  your  mouth  and  pouring  the  liquid  down  your 
childish  neck.  You  might  spill  it  on  your  bosom,  and 
it  enlarges  and  distorts  the  mouth  unnecessarily. 

When  asked  what  part  of  the  fowl  you  prefer,  do  not 
say  you  will  take  the  part  that  goes  over  the  fence 
last.  This  remark  is  very  humorous,  but  the  rising 
generation  ought  to  originate  some  new  table  ;iokes 
tliat  will  be  worthy  of  the  age  in  which  we  live. 

Children  should  early  learn  the  use  of  the  fork,  and 
how  to  handle  it.  This  knowledge  can  be  acquired  by 
allowing  them  to  pry  up  the  carpet  tacks  with  this 
instrument,  and  other  little  exercises,  such  as  the  parent 
mind  mav  suo-^est. 

The  child  should  be  taught  at  once  not  to  wave  his 
bread  around  over  the  table,  while  in  conversation,  or 
to  fill  his  mouth  full  of  potatoes,  and  then  convei^e  in 
a  rich  tone  of  voice  with  some  one  out  in  the  yard.  He 
might  get  his  dinner  down  his  trochea  and  cause  his 
parents  great  anxiety. 

In  picking  up  a  plate  or  saucer  filled  with  soup  or 
with  moist  food,  the  child  should  be  taught  not  to  par- 
boil his  thumb  in  the  contents  of  the  dish,  and  to  avoid 
swallowing  soup  bones  or  other  indigestible  debris. 

Tootlipicks  are  generally  the  last  course,  and  children 
should  not  be  permitted  to  pick  their  teeth  and  kick 
the  table  through  the  other  exercises.  While  grace  is 
being  said  at  table,  children  should  know  that  it  is  a 
breach  of  good  breeding  to  ^mouge  fruit  cake,  just 
because  their  parents'  heads  are  bowed  down,  and  their 


OLD   AND    NEW.  273 

attention  for  the  moment  turned  in  another  direction. 
Children  ought  not  to  be  permitted  to  find  fault  with 
the  dinner,  or  fool  with  the  cat  while  they  are  eatmg. 
Boys  should,  before  going  to  the  table,  empty  all  the 
frogs  and  grasshoppers  out  of  their  pockets,  or  those 
insects  might  crawl  out  during  the  festivities,  and  jump 
into  the  gravy. 

If  a  fly  wades  into  your  jelly  up  to  his  gambrels,  do 
not  mash  him  with  your  spoon  before  all  the  guests,  as 
death  is  at  all  times  depressing  to  those  who  are  at 
dinner,  and  retards  digestion.  Take  the  fly  out  care- 
fully, with  what  naturally  adheres  to  his  person,  and 
wipe  him  on  the  table  cloth.  It  will  demonstrate  your 
perfect  command  of  yourself,  and  afford  much  amuse- 
ment for  the  company.  Do  not  stand  up  in  your  chair 
and  try  to  spear  a  roll  with  your  fork.  It  is  not  good 
manners  to  do  so,  and  you  might  slip  and  bust  your 
crust,  by  so  doing.  Say  "  thank  you,"  and  "  much 
obliged,"  and  "  beg  pardon,"  wherever  you  can  work  in 
these  remarks,  as  it  throws  people  off  their  guard,  and 
gives  you  an  opportunity  to  get  in  your  work  on  the 
pastry  and  other  bric-a-brac  near  you  at  the  time. 

SWEET  SAINT  VALENTINE. 

It  is  the  evening  of  St.  Valentine's  Day,  and  I  am 
thinking  of  the  long  ago.  St.  Valentine's  Day  is  noth- 
ing now  but  a  blessed  memory.  Another  landmark 
has  been  left  behind  in  our  onward  march  toward  the 
great  hereafter.  We  come  upon  the  earth,  battle  a 
little  while  with  its  joys  and  its  griefs,  and  then  we 
pass  away  to  give  place  to  other  actors  on  the  mighty 
stage. 
18 


274  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

Only  a  few  short  years  ago  what  an  era  St.  Valen- 
tine's Day  was  to  me.  Now  I  still  get  valentines,  but 
they  are  different  and  they  effect  me  differently. 
They  are  not  of  so  high  an  order  of  merit  artistically, 
and  the  poetry  is  more  impudent  and  less  on  the 
turtle-dove  order. 

Some  may  be  neglected  on  St.  Valentine's  Day,  but 
I  am  not.  I  never  go  away  by  myself  and  get  mad  be- 
cause I  have  been  overlooked.  I  generally  get  valen- 
tines enough  to  paper  a  lai-ge  hall.  I  file  them  away 
carefully  and  sell  them  back  to  the  dealer  for  next  year. 
Then  the  following  St.  Valentine's  Da}^  I  love  to  look 
at  the  familiar  features  of  those  I  have  received  in  the 
years  agone. 

One  of  these  olessed  valentines  I  have  learned  to  love 
as  I  do  my  life.  I  received  it  first  in  1870.  It  repre- 
sents a  newspaper  reporter  with  a  nose  on  him  like  the 
woman's  suffrage  movement.  It  is  a  large,  enthusias- 
tic nose  of  a  bright  bay  color  with  bias  folds  of  the 
same,  shirred  with  dregs  of  wine.  How  well  I  know 
that  nose.  The  reporter  is  represented  in  tight  green 
pants  and  orange  coat.  The  vest  is  scarlet  and  the 
necktie  is  maroon,  shot  with  old  gold. 

The  picture  represents  tlie  young  journalist  as  a 
little  bit  disposed  to  be  brain3\  The  intellect  is  large 
and  abnormallv  prominent.  It  hangs  out  over  the 
deep- set  eyes  like  the  minority  juror  on  the  average 
panel. 

I  cannot  help  contrasting  this  dazzling  iive-cerit 
valentine  with  the  delicate  little  poem  in  pale  blue  and 
Torchon  lace  which  I  received  in  the  days  of  yore  from 
the  red-headed  girl  with  the  wart  on  her  thumb.    Ah! 


OLD    AND    NEW.  2T5 

lioAv  little  of  genuine  pleasure  have  fame  and  fortune  to 
offer  us  compared  with  tliat  of  sitting  behind  the  same 
school  desk  with  the  Bismarck  blonde  of  the  school 
and  with  her  alternately  masticating  the  same  hunk  of 
spruce  gum. 

I  sometimes  chew  gum  nowadays  to  see  if  it  will 
bring  back  the  old  pleasant  sensations,  but  it  don't. 
The  teacher  is  not  watching  me  noAV.  There  is  too 
little  restraint,  and  the  companion,  too,  who  then  as- 
sisted in  operating  the  gum  business,  and  used  to  spit 
on  her  slate  with  such  elegance  and  abandon,  and  wipe 
it  thoughtfully  off  with  her  apron,  she  too  is  gone. 
One  summer  day  when  the  little  birds  were  pouring 
forth  their  la}^  and  the  little  lambs  were  frisking  on 
the  green  sward,  and  yanking  their  tails  athwart  the 
ambient  air,  she  lit  out  for  the  great  untried  West 
with  a  grasshopper  sufferer.  The  fluff  and  bloom  of 
existence  for  her  too  is  gone.  She  bangs  eternal  pun- 
ishment out  of  thirteen  consecutive  children  near 
Ogallalla,  Neb.,  and  wears  out  her  sweet  girlish 
nature  w^orking  up  her  husband's  underclothes  into  a 
rag  carpet.     It  seems  tough,  but  such  is  life. 


CAEKTING  REYOLYEPtS. 

The  righteous  war  against  the  carrying  of  pistols  is 
still  going  bravely  on  all  over  the  country,  and  the 
mayors  of  the  larger  cities  are  making  it  red  hot  for 
every  one  who  violates  the  law. 

This  is  right.  l"^o  man  ever  carried  one  that  he  did 
not  intend  to  kill  some  one  with  it.  If  he  does  not 
intend  to  kill  some  one,  why  does  he  carry  a  deadly 
weapon  ?    The  result  is  that  very  often  a  man  who,  if 


276  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

he  had  gone  unarmed  as  he  ought  to,  would  have  been 
a  respected  citizen,  becomes  ;!  Ccaged  murderer  with  a 
weeping,  widowed  wife  and  worse  than  orphaned 
children  at  home. 

We  used  to  feel  at  times  as  lhony;!i  lier(3  in  this 
western  country  we  were  having  a  pretty  lonesome 
time  of  it,  never  having  killed  anybody,  and  we  began 
to  think  that  in  order  to  command  respect  we  would 
have  to  start  a  private  cemetery,  so  one  time  when  wti 
had  a  good  opportunity  we  drew  our  pop  on  a  m^iin 
and  shot  at  him. 

He  often  writes  to  us  now  and  tells  us  hov/  healthy 
he  is.  Before  Ave  shot  at  him  he  used  to  have  trouble 
with  his  digestion,  and  every  spring  lie  was  so  bilious 
that  he  didn't  care  whether  he  lived  oi-  not.  Now  he 
weighs  200  and  looks  forward  to  a  long  and  useful 
life. 

Still  the  revolver  is  not  always  a  health  promoter. 
It  is  more  deadly  as  a  general  rule  for  the  owner  than 
any  one  else.  Half  at  least  of  the  distressing  accidents 
that  occur  as  a  result  of  carrying  a  pistol,  are  distress- 
ing mainly  to  the  man  who  carries  the  weapon. 

We  sometimes  think  that  if  editors  would  set  the 
example,  and  instead  of  going  around  armed  to  the 
teeth,  would  rely  on  the  strength  of  their  noble  man- 
hood  and  a  white  oak  club,  others  would  follow  and 
discard  the  pistol.  For  a  year  we  have  been  using  a 
club,  with  the  best  results,  and  although  the  exercise 
has  been  pretty  severe  at  times,  the  death  rate  has 
been  considerably  reduced,  and  many  of  our  citizens 
have  been  spared  to  bless  the  community  with  their 
presence. 


OLD   AND   NEW.  277 

Let  the  press  of  the  country  take  hold  of  this  thing, 
4nd  the  day  will  come  when  a  man  may  enter  the 
editorial  office  as  fearlessly  as  now  he  goes  into  the 
postoffice. 

Nothing  unnerves  a  man  like  going  into  a  sanctum 
and  finding  fragments  of  an  old  acquaintance  scattered 
over  the  velvet  carpet,  or  ruthlessly  jammed  into  a 
porcelain  cuspidore. 


THE  AGITATED  HEN. 

Dear  reader,  did  you  ever  wrestle  with  a  hen  that 
had  a  wild,  uncontrollable  desire  to  incubate?  Did 
you  ever  struggle  on,  day  after  day,  trying  to  convince 
her  that  her  mission  was  to  furnish  eggs  for  your  table 
instead  of  hovering  all  day  on  a  door  knob,  trying  to 
hatch  out  a  litter  of  front  doors? 

William  H.  Root,  of  this  place,  who  has  made  the  hen 
fli  study,  both  in  her  home  life  and  while  lying  m  the 
embrace  of  death,  has  struck  upon  an  argument  which 
the  average  hen  will  pay  more  attention  to  than  any 
other  he  has  discovered  in  his  researches. 

He  says  the  modern  hen  ignores  almost  everything 
when  she  once  gets  the  notion  that  she  has  received  a 
call  to  incubate.  You  can  deluge  her  with  the  garden 
hose,  or  throw  old  umbrellas  at  her,  or  change  her  nest, 
but  that  don't  count  with  the  firm  and  stubborn  hen. 
You  can  take  the  eggs  out  of  the  nest  and  put  a  blooded 
bull-dog  or  a  nest  of  new-laid  bumblebees  in  place  of 
them,  and  she  will  hover  over  them  as  assiduously  as 
she  did  before. 

William  H.  Root's  hen  had  shown  some  signs  of  this 


\]  78  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

mania,  so  he  took  out  the  eggs  and  let  her  try  her  incu_ 
1 7ator  on  a  horse  rake  awhile,  just  so  she  could  kind  of 
taper  off  gradual  and  not  have  her  mind  shattered. 
'I'hen  he  tried  her  at  liatching  out  four-tined  forks,  and 
at  last  her  taste  got  so  vitiated  that  she  took  the  con. 
tract  to  furnish  the  country  with  bustles  by  hatching 
out  an  old  hoop  skirt  that  had  gone  to  seed. 

Mr.  Eoot  then  made  an  experiment.  We  were  one  of 
;i  board  of  scientists  who  assisted  in  the  consultation. 
The  owner  of  the  hen  got  a  strip  of  red  flannel^ and. 
tied  it  around  her  tail. 

The  hen  seemed  annoyed  as  soon  as  she  discovered 
it.  No  hen  cares  to  have  a  sash  hung  on  her  system 
that  doesn't  match  her  complexion.  A  seal-brown  hen 
with  a  red  flannel  polonaise  don't  seem  to  harmonize, 
and  slie  is  aware  of  it  just  as  much  as  anybody  is. 

That  hen  seemed  to  have  thought  of  something  all  at 
on(  G  tliat  had  escaped  her  mind  before,  and  so  she  went 
awny. 

Si}c  stepped  about  nine  feet  at  a  lick  on  the  start  and 
gained  time  as  she  proceeded.  When  she  bumped  her 
riose  against  the  corner  of  the  stable  she  changed  her 
m'nv)  about  her  direction.  She  altered  her  course  a 
little,  but  continued  her  rapid  style  of  movement. 

Her  eyes  began  to  look  wild.  She  seemed  to  be  losing 
her  reason.  She  got  so  pretty  soon  that  she  did'nt  rec- 
ognize the  faces  of  her  friends.  She  passed  Mr.  Root 
without  being  able  to  distinguish  him  from  a  total 
stranger. 

These  peculiar  movements  were  kept  up  during  the 
entire  afternoon,  till  the  hen  got  so  fatigued  that  she 
v'.rawled  into  a  length  of  oJd  stovepipe,  and  the  commit- 


THE  AGITATED  HEN. 


OLD  AND  NEW.  281 

tee  retired  to  prepare  a  report.  It  is  the  opinion  of  tlie 
press  uliat  this  is  a  triumph  of  genius  in  hen  culture. 
It  is  not  severe,  though  lirni,  in  its  treatment  and  while 
it  of  coui'se  annoys  and  unmans  the  hen  temporarily,  it  is 
salutary  in  its  results,  and  at  the  same  time  it  furnishes 
a  pleasant  little  matinee  for  the  spectators.  We  say  to 
those  upon  whose  hands  time  hangs  heavily  these  long- 
days,  that  there  is  nothing  that  soothes  the  ruffled  mind 
and  fills  the  soul  with  a  glad  thrill  of  pleasure  like  the 
erratic  movements  of  a  decorated  hen.  It  may  not  be 
a  high  order  of  enjoyment,  but  it  affords  a  great  deal  of 
laugh  to  the  superficial  foot  to  those  who  are  not  very 
accomplished,  and  who  laugh  at  things  and  then  con- 
sider its  propriety  afterward. 


A  FKONTIER  INCIDENT. 

Calamity  is  the  name  of  a  man  who  lives  in  the  gold 
camp  of  Cummins  City.  He  has  another  name,  but 
nobody  seems  to  know  what  it  is.  It  has  been  torn  off 
the  wrapper  some  way,  and  so  the  boys  call  him 
Calamity. 

He  is  a  man  of  singular  mind  and  construction.  The 
most  noticeable  feature  about  Calamity  is  his  super- 
stitious dread  of  muscular  activity.  Some  people  will 
not  tackle  any  kind  of  business  enterprise  on  Friday. 
Calamity  is  even  more  the  victim  of  this  vague  super- 
stition, and  has  a  dread  of  beginning  work  on  any  day 
of  the  week,  for  fear  that  some  disaster  may  befall 
him. 

Last  spring  he  had  a  little  domestic  trouble,  and  his 
wife  made  complaints  that  Calamity  had  worn  out  an 


282  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

old  long-handled  shovel  on  her,  trymg  to  convince  her 
about  some  abstruse  theory  of  his. 

The  testimony  seemed  rather  against  Calamity,  and 
the  miners  told  him  that  as  soon  as  they  got  over  the 
rush  a  little  and  had  the  leisure  they  would  have  to 
hang  him. 

They  hoped  he  would  take  advantage  of  the  hurry 
of  business  and  go  away,  because  they  didn't  want  to 
hang  him  so  early  in  the  season.  But  Calamity  didn't 
go  away.  He  sta3^ed  because  it  was  easier  to  stay 
thau  it  was  to  go.  He  did  not,  of  course,  pine  for  the 
notoriety  of  being  the  first  man  hung  in  the  young 
camp,  but  rather  than  pull  up  stakes  and  move  away 
from  a  place  where  there  were  so  many  pleasant  asso- 
ciations, he  concluded  to  stay  and  meet  death  calmly 
in  whatever  form  he  might  come. 

One  evening,  after  the  work  of  the  day  Avas  done 
and  the  boys  had  eaten  their  suppers,  one  of  them  sug- 
gested that  it  would  be  a  good  time  to  Imng  Calamity. 
So  they  got  things  in  shape  and  went  dovv'n  to  the  Big 
Laramie  bridge. 

Calamity  was  with  tliein.  They  got  things  ready 
for  the  exercise  to  begin,  and  then  asked  the  victim  if 
he  had  anything  to  say.  He  loosened  the  rope  around 
his  neck  a  little  with  one  hand,  so  that  he  could  speak 
with  more  freedom,  and  holding  his  pantaloons  on  with 
the  other,  said : 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  convention,  I  call  you  to  witness 
that  this  public  demonstration  toward  me  is  entirely 
unsought  on  my  part.     I  have  never  courted  notoriety. 

"  Plugging  along  in  comparative  obscurity  is  good 
enough  for  me.     This  is  the  first  time  I  have  ever  ad- 


OLD   AND  NEW.  283 

dressed  an  audience.  That  is  why  I  am  embarrassed 
and  ill  at  ease. 

"  You  liave  b;*o;]glit  me  here  to  hang  me  because  ^ 
seem  harsli  and  severe  with  my  wife.  You  have 
entered  the  hallowed  presence  of  my  home  life  and  as- 
sumed the  prerogative  of  subverting  my  household  dis- 
cipline. 

"It  is  well.  I  do  not  care  to  live,  so  long  as  my 
authority  is  questioned.  You  have  already  changed 
m}''  submissive  wife  to  an  arrogant  and  self-reliant 
woman. 

"  Yesterday  I  told  her  to  go  out  and  grease  the 
wagon,  and  she  straightened  up  to  her  full  height  and 
told  me  to  grease  it  myself. 

"I  have  always  been  kind  and  thoughtful  to  her. 
When  she  had  to  go  up  in  the  gulch  in  the  winter  after 
firewood,  my  coat  shielded  her  from  the  storm  while 
I  sat  in  the  cabin  through  the  long  hours.  I  could 
name  other  instances  of  unselfishness  on  my  part,  but 
I  will  not  take  up  your  time. 

"She  uses  my  smoking  tobacco,  and  kicks  my  verte- 
brse  into  my  hat  on  the  most  unlooked-for  occasions. 
She  does  not  love  me  any  more,  and  life  to  me  is  only  a 
hollow  mockery. 

"Death,  witTi  its  wide  waste  of  eternal  calm,  and 
its  shoreless  sea  of  rest,  is  a  glad  relief  to  me.  I  go, 
but  I  leave  in  your  midst  a  skittish  and  able-bodied 
widow  who  will  make  Rome  howl.  I  bequeath  her  to 
this  cam]).  She  is  yours,  gentlemen.  She  is  all  I  have 
to  give,  but  ill  giving  her  to  you,  I  feel  that  m}'^  un- 
timely death  will  always  be  looked  upon- in  this  gulch 
as  a  dire  calamity. 


284  BILL  nye's  chestnuts 

"  The  day  will  come  when  you  will  look  back  upon 
this  awful  night  and  wish  that  I  was  alive  again ;  but  it 
will  be  too  late.  I  will  be  far  away.  My  soul  will  be  in 
the  land  where  domestic  infelicity  and  cokl  feet  can 
never  enter. 

''  Bury  me  at  the  foot  of  Vinegar  Hill,  where  the 
sage  hen  and  the  fuzzy  bumblebee  ma}"^  gambol  o'er 
my  lowly  grave." 

When  Calamity  had  finished,  an  impromptu  caucus 
was  called,  and  when  it  was  adjourned.  Calamity  went 
home  to  his  cabin  to  surprise  his  wife.  She  hasn'1 
fully  recovered  from  the  surprise  as  we  go  to  press. 


BANKRUPT  SALE  OF  LITEEARY  GEMS. 

OFFICE  OF  THE  MORMAN  BAZOO. 

Little  boys  avIio  are  requii'ed  by  their  teacher  to 
write  compositions  at  school  can  save  a  great  deal  of 
unnecessary  worrj'  and  anxiety  by  calling  on  the 
editor  of  this  paper,  and  glancing  over  the  holiday  stock 
of  second-hand  poems  and  essays.  Debating  clubs  and 
juvenile  lyceums  supplied  at  a  large  reduction.  The 
following  are  a  few  selections,  with  price: 

''  Old  Age,"  a  poem  written  in  red  ink,  price  ten 
cents.  '^'  The  Dog,"  blank  verse,  written  on  foolscap 
with  a  hard  pencil,  five  cents.  "  Who  will  love  me  all 
the  while?"  a  tale,  price  three  cents  per  pound. 
"Hold  me  in  your  clean,  white  arms,"  song  and  dance, 
by  the  author  of  "  Beautiful  Snow,"  price  very  reason- 
able ;  it  must  be  sold.  "  She  ain't  no  longer  mine,  nor 
I  ain't  hern,"  or  the  sad  story  of  two  sundered  hearts ; 
spruce  gum  and  licorice  taken  in  exchange   for  this 


OLD   AND   NEW.  286 

piece.  "God:  His  attributes  and  peculiarities,"  will 
be  sold  at  a  cent  and  a  half  per  pound,  or  traded  for  a 
tin  dipper  for  the  office.  Give  us  a  call  before  pur- 
chasing elsewhere. 

The  stock  on  hand  must  be  disposed  of,  in  order  to 
give  place  to  the  new  stock  of  odes  and  sonnets  on 
spring,  and  contributions  on  the  "  the  violet "  and  the 
"  skipful  lamb." 


HINTS  ON  LETTER-WRITING. 

Neat  and  beautiful  penmanship  is  very  desirable  in 
business  correspondence,  but  it  is  most  important  tliat 
you  should  not  spell  God  with  a  little  g  or  codfish  with 
a  k.  Ornamental  penmanship  is  good,  but  it  will  not 
take  the  cuss  off  if  you  don't  know  how  to  spell.  Read 
your  letter  over  carefully  after  you  have  written  it,  if 
you  can ;  if  not  send  it  with  an  apology  about  the  rush 
of  business.  In  ordering  goods,  state  whether  3'^ou  will 
remit  soon  or  whether  the  account  should  be  placed  in 
the  refrigerator. 


SUDDEN  FAME. 

A  man  works  twenty  years  to  become  known  as  a 
scholar,  a  newspaper  man  and  a  gentleman,  while  the 
illiterate  murderer  springs  into  immediate  notoriety  in 
a  day,  and  the  widow  of  his  victim  cannot  even  get 
her  life  insurance.  These  things  are  what  make  people 
misanthropic  and  tenacious  of  their  belief  in  a  hell. 


286  BILL  nte's  chestnuts 

THE  ENGLISH  JOKE. 

The  average  English  joke  has  its  peculiarities.  A 
sort  of  mellow  distance.  A  kind  of  chastened  reluc- 
tance. A  coy  and  timid,  3'^et  trusting,  though  evanes- 
cent intangibility  which  softly  lingers  in  the  untroubled 
air,  and  lulls  the  tired  senses  to  dreamy  rest,  like  the 
subdued  murmur  of  a  hoarse  jackass  about  nine  miles 
up  the  gulch. 

He  must  be  a  hardened  wretch,  indeed,  who  has  not 
felt  his  bosom  heave  and  the  scalding  tear  steal  down 
his  furrowed  cheek  after  he  has  read  an  English  joke. 
There  can  be  no  ho])e  for  the  man  who  has  not  been 
touched  by  the  gentle,  pleading,  yet  all  potent  sadness 
embodied  in  the  humorous  paragraph  of  the  true 
Englishman. 


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